My mom was placed on a dementia unit by my sister in law and brother who took over POA for healthcare without my knowledge because I live in another state and I am an RN.
She is 96 and has been independent until she went to the hospital with back pain. My brother and sister in law were tired of her calling and put her on a dementia unit because she didn’t pass the mini mental test and was given an incapacity by the physician. Should of never happened. She has been there for 5 months now and talks about going back to her condo and packs up her clothes after being unpacked and placed in the dresser by staff. She thinks a nurse there is going to live with her because she cannot live by herself. I guess she asked him and he just said yes he would live with her and not really meaning it. She cannot live with me.
I am asking what is a kind way to approch this issue because she cry’s after my sister in law and brother visit her and tell her she is not going anywhere and the nursing home is her home now. They are heartless people in my eyes, but they don’t what to say.
My mother is forgetful at times but very aware at other times. She cannot live in her own anymore. She likes the meals at the facility, so that is a plus. I honestly believe she would be better off on a regular nursing home unit that was not for Dementia patients, but that was not my decision. Bad planning. That was coming from a person who’s mother had dementia and does not like my mother. This POA for healthcare should of never happened and I looked into guardianship which is very time consuming and expensive. I do not converse with my brother and sister in law due to there deceitfulness and hurtfulness to my mother.
Did that happen? What was the outcome?
Let mom know that she's living where she is under doctors orders. If and when the doctor says she's improved to the point she can move elsewhere, she's staying put and what can you bring her to make her life more enjoyable? What else can you do? Truly, dementia is a lose-lose situation for all involved.
Consider that your brother and SIL know many more details about moms situation than you may be aware of and may not be doing spiteful things to hurt her. Dementia is not something that is linear....where she'll be totally incoherent at any given point. She'll have days where she seems fine. Which is not to say she is fine, or safe being alone, just having a good day. A dementia unit or memory care AL is specifically designed for an elder like her to thrive and where all her needs can be met in one location.
If you disagree with the POA, why not speak to them directly?
I suggest you read this 33 of booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
You can’t really believe what she says. Accept that she’s in a safe place and send her some cookies.
Too many times well-intentioned but naive family members take their loved ones "home" thinking it will help, only to realize that isn't even the "home" they actually want! And it just makes things 10 times worse!
1. I'm a nurse and know better [even if I've never been a nurse for dementia patients?]
2. Denial
Your brother and SIL appear to be looking out for your mom's well-being. Your mom is packing her bags and thinking some guy is moving in with her yet you think she doesn't have dementia.
Memory care units are not intended only for the worst of the worst who are virtual vegetables waiting for the call from God. Many dementia patients do better in surroundings where mental stimulation is the priority, and that's what MC does. If she was in assisted living, it'd be up to her to go to activities and socialize, and I promise you she wouldn't because she wouldn't have any concept of time. Her fellow residents would steer clear of her because she's not "all there," and she'd become very lonely and isolated.
In memory care, the staff ensures everyone is being socialized. They bring them to the activities even if they don't participate. They talk to them all the time, and they're loving and friendly. The focus is not what pills to give them when but to be social and friendly.
I'm disappointed because even though you're a nurse, I'm getting a vibe that you consider memory care or dementia some kind of stigma, and you're not willing to ensure Mom gets the best care but are willing to destroy relationships over it.
Very sad. I hope you come around.
You are not seeing the forest for the trees which is common when you don’t live close by. I am on parent number 3 of caregiving between my and my hubby’s parents . Each time some long distance relative has unrealistic suggestions because they aren’t there to see what goes on . You are also letting your mother’s crying to you on the phone prevent you from seeing the bigger picture, which is that your mother is where she needs to be .
You are not. As such, you do not have to deal with it all and that is not your fault, its just the reality
I am not saying your brother and sister in law are perfect, I dont know, but unless you move back there and take care of it, its their issue.
Still, if you're looking for a kind way to approach this, it won't happen if you don't communicate with your brother & SIL. You need to be on the same page - or close to it. It's hard is to accept that the person you knew no longer exists - & this goes for your brother & SIL, too. Telling your mother that "this is her home now" upsets her. She may, in time, come to accept it. In the meantime, you all can say you're working on it, but the paperwork got lost or a pipe burst in the condo & it's not livable yet.
The most important thing is not who's right or that you think they're heartless, but how can you all help your mother maintain dignity as she loses her cognitive ability.
I hope you can speak to someone who can explain how this placement came to be and to someone who can help you sort your feelings.
my MIL is in MC. She is the highest functioning one there. Have we discussed moving her to assisted living, yes. But like someone said she would not be able to get to the activities or meals on her own. Also beware, facilities are very good at starting you in one location to get you in the door…then weeks later say they need MC.
regarding my mother, I lived across the U.S. from her. She did not want to leave her home state. After moving her here I realize now she was struggling with dementia. Lots of signs I did not see as she was with it. I regret not giving her more support.
i agree with Polarbear , you need to visit to get a correct handle on things. Open mindedness for clarity sake..
I guess you have never worked in a NH or you wouldn't say what you did. Like said, this Dementia unit is geared to people who suffer from it. She probably gets better individual care then she would in a NH. Better food too. I would leave Mom where she is and work with brother and not against him. He is there and he has made a decision that is best for Mom. Seems you can't be the solution so you need to let things stay the way they are.
Mom will eventually adjust as her Dementia progresses. She will learn to depend on the staff.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mother-wants-me-to-move-to-take-care-of-her-at-93-i-live-2400-miles-away-close-to-my-children-452541.htm
This scenario has been going on since 2019. And in the last 3 years or more you continually talk about Mom not being coherant and not be able to be reasoned with. She has been in and out of hospitals and rehabs. Your first post said she was in a NH on hospice. She is at least 96 now and was placed in a NH a few months back. Now u question her being placed in a Dementia unit after a doctor deemed her incompetent. A better place, IMO, than a NH.
And you are trying to control this from 2400 miles away. Your early posts say you cannot live with your mother. That you do not want to move closer to her or her live with you. Your also worried that brother will get it all. For one thing, if Mom has money its now going to her care at probably 10k a month. So it won't last for long. And maybe brother deserves it all because he is doing the work. Maybe he deserves her condo because he is there through everything. When skimming your previous posts, I did not see where you have visited her even when she had surgery.
It seems you and Mom didn't really get along. I can understand u needing to move 2400 miles away. By doing that, though, you have left all the responsibility to ur brother. As my brothers did with me. But the difference is they never complained because they were not the ones here on a daily basis. Neither were in the position to take on her care. They left the decisions of Moms care to me. I think you need to stop controlling a situation u have no control over. Allow brother to do what he needs to do to keep Mom safe.
I also don't understand how you know how brother is spending Moms money when he is POA. His wife is probably writing checks because brother can't with his Parkinson's. You need to let this go. Enjoy Mom while you can and make life easier for your brother.
My MIL is in in home Hospice Care with her 3 kids taking care of her 24/7.
She thinks she IS in a NH. You cannot dissuade her from thinking this.
Ironically, she'll die thinking her kids DID put her 'in a home' b/c she won't ever get back to her non-dementia way of thinking.
A guardianship would likely not be successful as she is in a licensed facility with a family member in the vicinity, a doctor's assessment that she is now incompetent, and with a POA granted to them by your mom. You are out of state and moving her near you is not going to solve her problem of wanting to go home.
IDK how OP says her family is heartless when she admits her mother can’t live alone.
Let the person that is POA make the decisions for mom.
Another option (that I think is not an option and would be very detrimental)
If you HONESTLY think that mom would do better, that it would be in her best interest to be in Assisted Living..(not a "nursing home" because she apparently does not need continued medical care)..that you are 100% sure that she would not wander away from the facility...then you have every right to seek Guardianship and take over mom's care. I can tell you right no w that it would be a waste of your time and money as I doubt that a Judge would grant this.
What I do not understand is how your brother could "take over" POA.
A person can not just assume the role of POA.
If mom had appointed you as POA then she is the one that has to change the POA. If she is not cognizant then she can not make changes.
Hopefully the Mom is more settled & the OP has also adjusted to the reality & dementia diagnosis. Denial can be tough & stressfull to break through.