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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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That's frustrating. It seems like this is pretty common, as far as blaming others for their failings. Perhaps you and your husband can see it as part of her decline and not a personal attack and find a way to deal with it without getting upset.
My mom blames for numerous things. I didn't talk loud enough, that's why she can't hear me (though no one else has trouble hearing me). I help with her bills which is why she can't remember that they've been paid (though I tell her and it's in her check register). Yes, it's annoying but I do my best to bury my feelings about it and not take it to heart.
have her get checked for a uti... also, have her primary help out with a good medication routine. at this point, a good chemical balance is needed amd important. imagine her frustration and fear of that. I know, the disease is tough!
OMG, yesterday my mother started on me again and I just walked away. I cried in my room and just locked my door. Although the accusations are not true the pain it caused was overwhelming. To think I would let my husband hurt my mother is in sane.
If she has dementia this is common. She forgets where something is so she thinks someone took it, stole it, moved it... You can not argue with her about this. An argument with a person with dementia is futile and will just lead to frustration.
Just say..oops Mom we moved...(whatever it is)..to another room we will get it later. Or Mom I cleaned and put ..XXX)...on your dresser. Or ..make something else up. It will not matter Once you tell her the item has been moved redirect her to another topic. If it is glasses..get extra if you can If it is purses get a few extra from the resale shops stuff them withe things she would have in her purse. But often redirection is the best way to deal with this
If this is a new behavior, then you need to have your Mom checked for a UTI as changes in mental status is a sign of UTIs in the elderly--more than complaints of "burning with urination".
My Grandmother was constantly accusing my Dad and Mom of stealing items from her farm house. She would write “DO NOT TAKE” or “DO NOT STEAL” on the envelopes of letters from her insurance company, etc. and then tape the envelopes on the wall in her dining room and living room. Grandma also accused Dad of stealing: her medications (Dad found them under the kitchen sink), her dentures (Dad found them hidden on the leg support of the trestle dining room table—she had to crawl under the table to put the dentures there), and one shoe from several pairs of shoes thus preventing her from walking outside.
I like what the information on the website https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions in regards to how you should respond when accused of stealing:
Don't take offense. Listen to what is troubling the person, and try to understand that reality. Then be reassuring, and let the person know you care.
Don't argue or try to convince. Allow the individual to express ideas. Acknowledge his or her opinions.
Offer a simple answer. Share your thoughts with the individual, but keep it simple. Don't overwhelm the person with lengthy explanations or reasons.
Switch the focus to another activity. Engage the individual in an activity, or ask for help with a chore.
Duplicate any lost items. If the person is often searching for a specific item, have several available. For example, if the individual is always looking for his or her wallet, purchase two of the same kind.
And I will add: Keep a journal of your activities and interactions with your Mom. That way you have a reference as to your Mom’s previous accusations and can show this information to other people (doctors, nurses, attorneys, etc.) as proof of your Mom’s impaired mental status and how you coped with her accusations.
Try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations as this problem is not going away, it might only get worse.
I never thought of UTI issues. I really appreciate your kindness. I have more time with my mother now that I retired at an early age to take care of her. Indeed the problem is not going away. I will try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations since the problem is not going away. My mother is now sharing her accusations with her bank, church and neighbors.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My mom blames for numerous things. I didn't talk loud enough, that's why she can't hear me (though no one else has trouble hearing me). I help with her bills which is why she can't remember that they've been paid (though I tell her and it's in her check register). Yes, it's annoying but I do my best to bury my feelings about it and not take it to heart.
OMG, yesterday my mother started on me again and I just walked away. I cried in my room and just locked my door. Although the accusations are not true the pain it caused was overwhelming. To think I would let my husband hurt my mother is in sane.
You can not argue with her about this.
An argument with a person with dementia is futile and will just lead to frustration.
Just say..oops Mom we moved...(whatever it is)..to another room we will get it later.
Or
Mom I cleaned and put ..XXX)...on your dresser.
Or ..make something else up. It will not matter
Once you tell her the item has been moved redirect her to another topic.
If it is glasses..get extra if you can
If it is purses get a few extra from the resale shops stuff them withe things she would have in her purse.
But often redirection is the best way to deal with this
Thank you, that is a great idea. Please keep them coming. What do you do when they make up prefabrication's.
My Grandmother was constantly accusing my Dad and Mom of stealing items from her farm house. She would write “DO NOT TAKE” or “DO NOT STEAL” on the envelopes of letters from her insurance company, etc. and then tape the envelopes on the wall in her dining room and living room. Grandma also accused Dad of stealing: her medications (Dad found them under the kitchen sink), her dentures (Dad found them hidden on the leg support of the trestle dining room table—she had to crawl under the table to put the dentures there), and one shoe from several pairs of shoes thus preventing her from walking outside.
I like what the information on the website https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions in regards to how you should respond when accused of stealing:
Don't take offense. Listen to what is troubling the person, and try to understand that reality. Then be reassuring, and let the person know you care.
Don't argue or try to convince. Allow the individual to express ideas. Acknowledge his or her opinions.
Offer a simple answer. Share your thoughts with the individual, but keep it simple. Don't overwhelm the person with lengthy explanations or reasons.
Switch the focus to another activity. Engage the individual in an activity, or ask for help with a chore.
Duplicate any lost items. If the person is often searching for a specific item, have several available. For example, if the individual is always looking for his or her wallet, purchase two of the same kind.
And I will add: Keep a journal of your activities and interactions with your Mom. That way you have a reference as to your Mom’s previous accusations and can show this information to other people (doctors, nurses, attorneys, etc.) as proof of your Mom’s impaired mental status and how you coped with her accusations.
Try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations as this problem is not going away, it might only get worse.
I never thought of UTI issues. I really appreciate your kindness. I have more time with my mother now that I retired at an early age to take care of her. Indeed the problem is not going away. I will try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations since the problem is not going away. My mother is now sharing her accusations with her bank, church and neighbors.