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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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We don't get along, so her living with me is out of the question. She can't walk far so needs a wheelchair. Her and her husband are arguing all the time. I just need some friendly advice on what to do. Thank you.
We don't have a lot of information here, other than a 64 year old wants out of a bad marriage. Not walking very far wouldn't seem like a condition that would keep her in a care home. Is she completely disabled? I'm guessing she doesn't work. How does she intend on paying for the long-term care facility? Perhaps assisted living would be good for her, but again, where does the funding come from?
Do not let her move in with you no matter what. She's really young and you'd be taking care of her for possibly the next 30 years. You need to live your life.
OMG!!! Your mother is only 64 years old. That is VERY young and unless she is completely disabled and not able to do for herself, she DOES NOT belong in any kind of facility. But what she does need is a divorce, and to get on with living and enjoying her life on her own. So take her to a divorce lawyer, and help her find a nice one level apartment or home, so she can live by herself and get on with her life. And don't you pay for any of it either. This all needs to be on your young mother.
I'm wondering if you can get your mom into physical therapy for a bit , to strengthen her , so she can do more for herself.
A facility for someone so young is sad. Yes definitely don't move her in. But I'm thinking the best route to start with would be so counseling therapy, maybe some physical therapy, and maybe with the to and getting her out of a bad relationship, may change her to want to be healthier and try harder.
But there is not a lot of information, if you can fill us in better, maybe we can give you better suggestions.
Ha, she's just over my daughter's age. My daughter is looking to retire and travel and hike the world (soon as she can get a good repair on the hip she's blown out); her hubby is already retired and hiking--bear pictures yesterday to prove it! So, unless mom has a tragic health history I think this is perhaps not the best decision-making. Though the question quite tickles me.
Also, if mom is in decent health and hoping to live to my age (82) she's gonna be flat out of money quick in any kind of care, from independent living on through private pay ALF or nursing home. There's that to consider. Tell her to think in terms of about 7,000 a month if she is level one care (self-caring). Ask her how long her money can last at that rate. You mom will not "qualify" for any governmental assistance programs of course; there's that to think about, unless we are talking she is wealthy indeed (>5M). Or terribly ill.
What made me laugh on reading your post is the fact that it made me recall that time when my brother went into care at 84 with his Lewy's dementia; his condition IMPROVED in his ALF so dramatically that I spoke to the social worker about it. She said it frequently happens because suddenly all the normal plagues and worries such as what the computer will do today and what bills are coming for payment, the car, shopping, cooking, meals! GONE. POOF. It is three meals a day and bingo games! Even happy hour! The social worker said she often teased her hubby that she didn't want to WORK at Pacifica Senior Living in Palm Springs---no, she wanted to LIVE THERE.
Tell Mom (if she is well) that I am predicting two more decades of life. And there is a LIFE TO LIVE OUT THERE. Tell her to go to her local library. They may have, as our does, classes on everything from tech to knitting. To say nothing of Saturday at the Movies (I live in SF and our library system is second to NONE.) Mom has lots of life to live; up to her whether she "seizes the day" or not.
I understand parther and I being 82 and 84, while we are still gardening, walking, shopping, cooking, fostering and working with dogs, and etc, things don't get EASIER. And yeah, the old man can be a pain at times (to say nothing of how annoying I can be). But I find him easy to avoid at those times. I just take a walk. And as much as he can be a pain I can't kind of imagine trying to get along with a bunch of seniors in an ALF any better?
I have enjoyed your post to us and welcome you to the Forum. Perhaps introduce mom to the Forum? Because for me this is like two hours of my day that hubby lets me ENTIRELY alone. It's me, my coffee and the computer. I am a person who hasn't really yet experienced boredom in life. I consider that lucky. Genes, maybe? And I have left behind all those people I don't enjoy being around for the most part. I am wishing your mom some happiness and joy in life. If she is feeling very-senior-ish I would suggest she check out her local senior center. On Lok here will check your blood pressure, serve you a free lunch, let you sign up for Tai Chi and play a few hands of cards as well.
Do you have any Continuing Care Communities near you? They are very expensive and have strict entrance requirements, i.e. requiring less than _ number of hours of assistance daily, etc. There are many younger seniors living there but they are usually wealthy and widowed and tired of fending for themselves. They have on-site dining options and lots of activities and classes. I’m not sure how, or if, it would work considering marital assets since you pretty much have to give them everything you have (and you have to have a lot), but they will take care of you until the end. The one near me is as close to resort living as I’ve seen. Another option might be a cottage in a 55+ community and a hired companion when needed. You didn’t say whether she wants to divorce her husband or just escape him but a visit to an attorney and a financial advisor might be in order.
If she meets nursing home criteria for admission, she can go to one. What does the housing situation with the husband look like?
Do they own their home? Is it an apartment? If so, who's name is the lease in?
If her and the husband don't get along, she can file for divorce. If she is handicapped, most likely she can remain in the home if it's accessible for her. If not, then she can put her name in for handicapped housing options that rent based on income.
Make sure you stick to living with you being out of the question. Don't take on something you'll regret. Also, don't interfere. It's between your mother and her husband. They're both adults and if they can no longer live together they will handle what they want to do next. It's not up to you.
I certainly agree with sticking to not enabling all this with allowing mom to think for one second she might move in with family. This woman has EASILY three more decades to live (unless she is ill). This is way to early to give up on life (unless one is ill).
Medicaid probably will not pay for Mom to be in a LTC. She could go to an Assisted Living but that means private pay. Her other option is a 55 and up because they have to be handicapped ex accessible. Wide doors, bathroom equipped with bars and walk in shower. Elevators if more than one story.
At my parents AL, there was a 60 yr old woman who moved in because she had chronic, very bad migraines and decided she could no longer live independently. She had a lovely apartment and there was nothing sad or upsetting about it, except that she was debilitated by the headaches.
Your mother can move into Assisted Living if she has the funds to private pay, why not? She's in need of assistance with being wheelchair bound, so there's that. She can also move into an Independent Senior Living building and get help as needed.
People who gasp at the idea of moving into an AL or IL don't realize it's like a hotel for seniors, if they're fortunate enough to be able to afford it. It's nothing to cry about!
Yes, Lea. One of my brother's best friends in his ALF was there quite young for seizure disorder uncontrolled by meds. You can qualify for care in these circumstances. As I said, she could be ill; that makes all the difference.
Your mother is not too young for a senior living community or an AL. Many people move to CCRC's in their 50's and begin with independent living so that they will be in place if their care needs grow. Those would be paid out of pocket. If she qualifies for Medicaid paid care, you can help her research facility options.
Whether too old or not often depends upon the funds one has. If she is private pay (which all will require because she's unlikely to QUALIFY for care physically just because she doesn't like her hubby) then to live there for the remaining 30 or 40 years of her life? Well, figure out the costs yourself. They are pretty out of site.
I was in the exact situation in a second, unhappy marriage. As his Parkinsonism and mild dementia worsened I had the choice of home care or placement. Other than being almost debilitated myself by guilt, I talked him in to AL. We talked (with a therapist) about other options i.e. my moving out and getting him in home care, but I knew that would still be horrible for me. I would be doing assisted living, complicated by distance.
Other than the fact the the AL facilities are NOT hotels (as was mentioned!) the arrangement is working out fine, He is cared for but I am in constant touch. I visit often and we actually enjoy each other more on these visits, I chose a place close to me so I can supervise the care--everything from haircuts to doctors appointments to staff interventions to outside services.
In the meantime, I can breathe again in my own home. Better yet, I can leave him when he gets mean. Good luck finding options.
Unfortunately (fortunately for us, I know) he has long term care, otherwise, I also know, this option would not have been possible. I am grateful that it is and don't take it for granted. I think there are other options in these situations, as long as you know you deserve to live out your own life in peace.
Your profile shows no information other than your mother uses a wheelchair. I recommend your mother goes to an attorney and perhaps divorce her husband. Absolutely do not take her into your residence. This forum is good advice to go to a 55+ community since your mom is only age 64.
But an independent living place MAY be appropriate. One that has a "continuum" of care. No cooking needed - can go to the dining room. MAY find that Mom finds out she DOESN'T like the discussions at the table and being "home" with husband is just fine LOL. Don't sign a year contract unless you have to. Take her some places - your attitude can be "it is her money" and you are allowing her to make her own decisions with some guidance (like being the parent of a teenager) - take a back seat, see what happens. My mother-in-law decided 4 yrs after her husband passed to go to the facility her mother had been in. She stayed 2 years and decided she had had enough and purchased a manufactured home where she lived happily until 6 months prior to death. Her cancer had returned and spread too much and very suddenly. My point is, we all get to change our minds. We can be shown what it would be like and be guided to look at things differently. Only your mother knows what she thinks being in a care home is like. She could go to a facility and realize arguing with her husband is better than the place she would be in. Who knows? Worth a try! Go visit and find out for yourself too what is in the area!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do not let her move in with you no matter what. She's really young and you'd be taking care of her for possibly the next 30 years. You need to live your life.
But what she does need is a divorce, and to get on with living and enjoying her life on her own.
So take her to a divorce lawyer, and help her find a nice one level apartment or home, so she can live by herself and get on with her life.
And don't you pay for any of it either. This all needs to be on your young mother.
I'm wondering if you can get your mom into physical therapy for a bit , to strengthen her , so she can do more for herself.
A facility for someone so young is sad. Yes definitely don't move her in. But I'm thinking the best route to start with would be so counseling therapy, maybe some physical therapy, and maybe with the to and getting her out of a bad relationship, may change her to want to be healthier and try harder.
But there is not a lot of information, if you can fill us in better, maybe we can give you better suggestions.
Thinking of you, so sorry 64 is so young.
My daughter is looking to retire and travel and hike the world (soon as she can get a good repair on the hip she's blown out); her hubby is already retired and hiking--bear pictures yesterday to prove it!
So, unless mom has a tragic health history I think this is perhaps not the best decision-making. Though the question quite tickles me.
Also, if mom is in decent health and hoping to live to my age (82) she's gonna be flat out of money quick in any kind of care, from independent living on through private pay ALF or nursing home. There's that to consider. Tell her to think in terms of about 7,000 a month if she is level one care (self-caring). Ask her how long her money can last at that rate.
You mom will not "qualify" for any governmental assistance programs of course; there's that to think about, unless we are talking she is wealthy indeed (>5M). Or terribly ill.
What made me laugh on reading your post is the fact that it made me recall that time when my brother went into care at 84 with his Lewy's dementia; his condition IMPROVED in his ALF so dramatically that I spoke to the social worker about it. She said it frequently happens because suddenly all the normal plagues and worries such as what the computer will do today and what bills are coming for payment, the car, shopping, cooking, meals! GONE. POOF. It is three meals a day and bingo games! Even happy hour! The social worker said she often teased her hubby that she didn't want to WORK at Pacifica Senior Living in Palm Springs---no, she wanted to LIVE THERE.
Tell Mom (if she is well) that I am predicting two more decades of life. And there is a LIFE TO LIVE OUT THERE. Tell her to go to her local library. They may have, as our does, classes on everything from tech to knitting. To say nothing of Saturday at the Movies (I live in SF and our library system is second to NONE.) Mom has lots of life to live; up to her whether she "seizes the day" or not.
I understand parther and I being 82 and 84, while we are still gardening, walking, shopping, cooking, fostering and working with dogs, and etc, things don't get EASIER. And yeah, the old man can be a pain at times (to say nothing of how annoying I can be). But I find him easy to avoid at those times. I just take a walk. And as much as he can be a pain I can't kind of imagine trying to get along with a bunch of seniors in an ALF any better?
I have enjoyed your post to us and welcome you to the Forum. Perhaps introduce mom to the Forum? Because for me this is like two hours of my day that hubby lets me ENTIRELY alone. It's me, my coffee and the computer.
I am a person who hasn't really yet experienced boredom in life. I consider that lucky. Genes, maybe? And I have left behind all those people I don't enjoy being around for the most part.
I am wishing your mom some happiness and joy in life. If she is feeling very-senior-ish I would suggest she check out her local senior center. On Lok here will check your blood pressure, serve you a free lunch, let you sign up for Tai Chi and play a few hands of cards as well.
Best of luck to you all.
Another option might be a cottage in a 55+ community and a hired companion when needed.
You didn’t say whether she wants to divorce her husband or just escape him but a visit to an attorney and a financial advisor might be in order.
Do they own their home? Is it an apartment? If so, who's name is the lease in?
If her and the husband don't get along, she can file for divorce. If she is handicapped, most likely she can remain in the home if it's accessible for her.
If not, then she can put her name in for handicapped housing options that rent based on income.
Make sure you stick to living with you being out of the question. Don't take on something you'll regret. Also, don't interfere. It's between your mother and her husband. They're both adults and if they can no longer live together they will handle what they want to do next. It's not up to you.
She won't get into a care home unless she needs it, especially if insurance is paying?
Has she looked into a 55+ community?
accessible. Wide doors, bathroom equipped with bars and walk in shower. Elevators if more than one story.
Your mother can move into Assisted Living if she has the funds to private pay, why not? She's in need of assistance with being wheelchair bound, so there's that. She can also move into an Independent Senior Living building and get help as needed.
People who gasp at the idea of moving into an AL or IL don't realize it's like a hotel for seniors, if they're fortunate enough to be able to afford it. It's nothing to cry about!
Grey divorces are super common. This is not an unusual scenario.
Your mother needs to figure this out, not you.
Other than the fact the the AL facilities are NOT hotels (as was mentioned!) the arrangement is working out fine, He is cared for but I am in constant touch. I visit often and we actually enjoy each other more on these visits, I chose a place close to me so I can supervise the care--everything from haircuts to doctors appointments to staff interventions to outside services.
In the meantime, I can breathe again in my own home. Better yet, I can leave him when he gets mean. Good luck finding options.
Unfortunately (fortunately for us, I know) he has long term care, otherwise, I also know, this option would not have been possible. I am grateful that it is and don't take it for granted. I think there are other options in these situations, as long as you know you deserve to live out your own life in peace.
MAY find that Mom finds out she DOESN'T like the discussions at the table and being "home" with husband is just fine LOL.
Don't sign a year contract unless you have to.
Take her some places - your attitude can be "it is her money" and you are allowing her to make her own decisions with some guidance (like being the parent of a teenager) - take a back seat, see what happens.
My mother-in-law decided 4 yrs after her husband passed to go to the facility her mother had been in. She stayed 2 years and decided she had had enough and purchased a manufactured home where she lived happily until 6 months prior to death. Her cancer had returned and spread too much and very suddenly.
My point is, we all get to change our minds. We can be shown what it would be like and be guided to look at things differently. Only your mother knows what she thinks being in a care home is like. She could go to a facility and realize arguing with her husband is better than the place she would be in. Who knows? Worth a try! Go visit and find out for yourself too what is in the area!