The holidays are coming up and I'm on pins and needles. I know that she expects to be invited out to dinner with us, but I don't enjoy her company.....slurred speech, boring, repetitive, doesn't listen.........and, in addition, tends to be rather passive aggressive in her snarky comments. She lives two blocks from us. Anyone have any idea how to deal with this? It seems like when there is any big event, holiday, birthday celebration, etc., she goes out of her way to focus attention on herself and wreck the occasion. I'm so very tired of this. I want to do the right thing, but don't want to be held hostage every holiday. A few times, usually my husbands birthday, she's too "sick" to go out and we bring her a nice dinner she can enjoy at home, but when it comes to her birthday, she's always ready to go. Now she's looking forward to going out on Christmas Eve with us and we really don't want her to come because of her drunken, drugged up behavior...
You might ask her if she wants a referral to a place to get help with her problem. If not, there's not much you can do.
OR
I know if your realize this, Mom, but your drinking and using drugs can make you quite unpleasant to be around sometimes. Not always, but we are not going to risk it this year. We'd be glad to bring a nice meal home to you.
I know it's a difficult conversation to have but you're well within your right to have it. Soften the blow by telling her you'll bring her a doggie bag.
If you leave it open, she can worm her way in. If you close the subject, by making a statement of fact, then she can't say anything.
If she says she wants to go too, do the "broken record" tactic. "We'll be bringing a big dinner from ______'s." Keep on saying it, in different ways, as many times as it takes until she gets the message. 👵🏼 😜
Very simply, tell her the truth. Detach from the outcome and do it anyway, as we used to say in Al-Anon. Also I recommend Al-Anon - the 12-step group for friends and families of alcoholics. You can find meetings by calling the Alcoholics Anonymous phone number in the white pages of your phone book.
There's nothing to be gained from lying, really. I have strong feelings about this, but basically, I think lying to an addict is just another form of enabling them. I DO NOT believe in enabling addicts. I believe enabling an addict protects them from the consequences of their actions, and that protecting them from the consequences of their actions is protecting them from the consequences of their addiction. And if someone is always protecting them from the consequences, they will never get better.
I mean, maybe if it's your boss and you HAVE to lie, or risk losing your job. Or if it's some friend you see once a year at reunions. But I assume you are in love with your husband and plan to be with him for a very long time. That means your MIL is going to be part of your life for a very long time.
There's nothing gained from lying to your MIL, or in humoring her, except for the heartache and pain you'll feel in an even greater way down the road, when you realize you've willingly made yourself part of a co-dependent relationship, and you've allowed her to believe her behavior is ok with you. Are you prepared to pretend you're ok with all this, for the rest of your MIL's life? Are you prepared to lie to her, lie FOR her, make excuses for her, coddle her, pick her up off the floor when she passes out, clean up her vomit, or deal with however bad it's going to get? (It could get VERY bad.) Are you prepared to do these things in front of your children or future children? What would you be teaching them?
Tell the truth. Call her out. Let her think about it, or get smashed in retaliation, but whatever the outcome, speak your truth and stand by it. Speak your truth even if it makes you shake. Don't worry about how others judge you for it. Let other people be content to enable an addict, but don't be one of those people. Enabling an addict is the opposite of helping them. You would NOT be doing her any favors.
Where is your husband in all of this? He must know that his mother has a problem. He must have known it when he settled two blocks away from her. Has he ever addressed her drug use and drinking with her? Did he hope he could keep her or the situation under control by being close by? Is he the only child or are there siblings to help? You should know that alcoholism is a family disease - not that someone like your husband is necessarily an addict, but the disease impacts the entire family. Especially if he grew up with it. If he can't or won't back you up in calling her out, then you have another problem on your hands, for which I especially recommend Al-Anon.
They say every addict has to hit their own rock bottom before they decide to get better. In my parents' cases: for mom, it was when she didn't have me to caretake or cover up for her anymore; with my dad, it was the risk of losing our relationship. Whatever your MIL's rock bottom is, you and your husband can't help her climb back out of it if you never acknowledge how fast she's falling in the first place.
Addictions of any kind seem to terrorize and control others in the family. We put up with that for years with SIL because MIL insisted nothing was wrong with SIL though she would show up late, pass out on plate, etc. This denial lead to SIL knowing no bounds and dying from her addiction last Winter. MIL still denies what lead to SILs death. It is sad but fact that now the family dinners seem normal. Perhaps it could have been better all along had MIL not denied that something was wrong with SIL and set rules and bounds.
One nice person suggested telling her you will bring a nice meal from ________ restaurant...Very nice thought, but what if she calls a cab and shows up there?
"Hubs and I are dining out alone this year...we will bring you a nice dinner on our way home." Better yet, have a restaurant deliver the meal...
When she asks why, just say you have decided to be alone this year...whatever her next question is (or accusation) deflect it and say you are not discussing your decision further....(It can be done, although likely difficult)
Keep in mind that you will not slow down or stop her drinking...Many think that reasoning long enough will do it...It won't. Alcoholics anonymous can help, but only if she initiates contact...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Just to add, I'm not suggesting reasoning with her. I'm suggesting speaking your truth. These are your own words, basically: "I don't enjoy (your) company.....slurred speech, boring, repetitive, (don't) listen.........passive aggressive, snarky comments. (You go) out of (your) way to focus attention on (your)self and wreck the occasion. I'm so very tired of this. I don't want to be held hostage every holiday. I really don't want (you) to come because of (your) drunken, drugged up behavior."
Sounds harsh, I know, and you don't have to put it that way. But it IS how you feel. It's how you're letting her make you feel when you put up with her behaviors, or when you try to accommodate her behaviors in sneaky ways like lying. Addicts should know that their behaviors harm other people. Many of them DO know. They shouldn't be protected from the consequences of that.
Tell her what is expected. No drinking, no "snarky" remarks.....
If things start going down hill you will give her a warning if the behavior continues then she has to go home. And you will have to follow though. If she starts you give her her warning and if it continues you get her coat and tell her it is time to leave.
If you are at her house you get your coat and leave.
Problem with this is you will miss out on the rest of the family gathering.
As far as you being stressed. Her behavior falls on her. It is not a reflection of you or her son. If this is a whole family gathering they all know what the deal is and they probably expect this from her. Not that anyone likes it but that is who she is and probably has been like that her entire life. Probably not going to change her now.
If she does not realize what she does have someone do a video of her and show it to her when she is sober. This might help her realize what you are talking about. Not that it will change anything.
All this is what a lot of families have to deal with. No family is "perfect" and for someone that has drug and or alcohol problems this is a very difficult time for them. Every one expects perfection (thanks to all the Happy holiday books and movies) and it seems that alcohol is more free flowing this time of year than at any other time. If you want to make it easier for her provide and serve NO alcohol to anyone during your gatherings. It just might improve everyone's attitude. And one or two parties with no alcohol will not kill anyone and it may save a lot of frustration.
You still don't have to have a miserable Christmas Eve. You should still feel free to make whatever arrangements most appeal to and suit you. You have every right to set your own boundaries around your own space; you don't have to justify them by blaming the person you want to keep out.
The only thing that helped me with my sister who, in the last 8 years of her life, lived with an addict, was distance. I loved one state away. It helped a lot. God bless.
I like the "husband and I have decided to go out on our own as a couple this year." You get to not be around behavior you don't want to be around, and she gets to save face.
Take her out to lunch, so you don't have to bring her back a meal as a reminder of the one she wasn't invited to.
I can totally understand why you don't want her around, but try not to resent HER. You haven't walked in her shoes. If she is an active alcoholic, she really has lost the power of choice when it comes to alcohol.
I am not sure there are any real "enablers;" I think people are all too willing to aggrandize their roles in someone else's addiction. If she's an alcoholic, she would find a way to drink even if your entire family dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow. It sounds as if she already procures her own supply.
It's hard for everybody. I know. I'm pretty sure it's no picnic for her either. It's like having a severely mentally ill family member.
Well, take care of the Christmas dinner issue first. I hope everything goes well for you.
Another choice you can make is to choose not to be at this Christmas dinner. Apparently this in law is on the other side of the family and not yours but you don't have to be there to put up with it and make this known well in advance by having a family meeting. I personally would address this and if no one wants to talk about it then that would be my answer right there because it would tell me everything I need to know. Therefore, I would choose not to be at this Christmas dinner. If someone asks, just be honest and tell them what you told us here and even show them this post. You can also show them my post since I'm the adult child of two alcoholic parents who happened to have lost my sister who is buried in the baby section of one of the cemeteries in Lorain county Ohio. I have not only copies of my sister's death certificate, but also the newspaper article and all of the court documents. If you don't think alcoholics can get dangerous, just go visit a cemetery sometime especially in the baby section and ask yourself how many of these people actually died at the hands of an abuser, especially an alcoholic. Again, what you're describing or just the warning signs of what can happen next and before you read the end of this post, another alcoholic will take another life
want the drama. Did she learn from this...no. Its them not her. Hope u get ur nice Xmas.
About your MIL's passive aggressive behavior, calmly point it out as soon as it happens. If alcohol is causing her to say mean things, then point it out when she says something mean. Tell her how it makes you feel. Ask her if there is something that is bothering her and then listen.
Your MIL is an adult. Only she can stop drinking. Let her know how you feel about her drinking. Keep alcohol out of her sight and take her to restaurants that don't serve alcohol. If she continues to drink, you can choose to leave or stay anyway, knowing that her behavior is being influenced by the alcohol. That's about all I can do.
Also, she may never hit rock bottom and may never want to give up drinking. It depends on how much she drinks every day, how many years she's been drinking, from what age she's been drinking, how well she feels she's functioning, how much she wants to keep the relationship, ...
When I first married, both sets of parents wanted us for holidays. We told them we'd go to one for Thanksgiving, and the other for Christmas. That was thwarted by both sets postponing a holiday meal so we could be there also, both times. We were exhausted from driving, eating, and meeting their expectations, though it was nice to be wanted. The second year they reversed who we ate with first. That was it. The third year we spent Christmas on a ski vacation in Vermont, insulting all parents equally.
After the head injury, he did stop drinking and my mother insisted on having no alcohol in the house. He was allowed to have 1-2 drinks 'socially' but I think that that is a mistake. My mother passed away two years ago and I have been living in their house with my father. I met with an Eldercare attorney a couple of years ago and the legalities pretty much mean that I have to live in the same house for at least two years because he cannot live alone. It has something to do with being deeded the house which sounded like a good idea at the time.
But lately my father has had a renewed interest in consuming alcohol. He now wants to go to restaurants and casinos more often so he can have his 'social' drinks. He also brought a bottle of wine home on two separate occasions in November and said conflicting things about what the wine was for. I insisted that I would not have it in the house and he attempted to strangle me but I resisted and he lost his balance and fell on the carpet. He will never admit that he is an alcoholic, even with the blood test results after the head injury.
I have thought about going to Al Anon but not sure if it would help. He has always had inappropriate anger responses (he wants something to become angry about), interrupts people and demands their immediate attention. Not sure what can be done realistically when someone is past a certain age. I just am surprised that nobody talked to him about it before he was released from the hospital after his head injury. And he is on several meds, one is Risperidone and I know that it is not recommended to drink alcohol while taking it. But he dismisses that as well. He is toxic enough to live with normally and I certainly don't want alcohol to be back in the picture.
If u don’t feel comfortable confronting her behavior, just set the date as a day earlier for the lunch and say it’s less busy, less expensive and that’s what u chose it. Then u and husband and family do your own thing.
Don’t let her bully you and guilt you. If she does, then be honest and simply state there will be no drinking or go someplace that does not serve alcohol or get waiter aside and tell him not to serve any alcohol at your table.
My family had drinking problem. I solved by taking control, inviting all to my house and serving meal early — no alcohol. My dad would bring and I simply said “we aren’t serving alcohol in my house today”....they got it and knew why. We always had a nice visit and they could all go home in time for their own cocktails.