She is incontinent, and walks with a walker when she feels like it although she has fallen several times. She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me. I am 65 years old, still working, and take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week. My husband and I have not been on a vacation in over 10 years. How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too? She has always been very selfish and doesn’t do anything. I clean her in law apartment downstairs and have tried to get help come in but she refuses. Can I just tell her she has to go???
Your mom is manipulative, stop feeling bad.
Your mom is incredibly selfish.
Oh, be sure and tell her to make sure she always has clean undies on, wouldn't want anyone to see dirty panties when she dies of starvation.
My dad tried this childish crap and he didn't like it when I told him that he would be spanked and stood in a corner if he was 3. He would get so angry but, he was acting like a spoiled toddler and I wasn't going to be manipulated by it. Grow up mom!
You need to make your own choice here and my home is no longer an option."
Is it really harsh to protect your own mental health? When you are a caregiver to elderly people, and once again I've been one for almost 25 years, protecting YOUR OWN mental health must be a top priority for the caregiver.
A caregiver for elders and children has to know how to walk away and ignore sometimes. When we don't, we cannot maintain the level of patience and self- control necessary to do this work. What happens next is elder abuse or child abuse and that is far harsher than ignoring someone for a bit so you can keep yourself under control.
Maybe your experience being the caregiver for an elderly person has been positive. That happens too, but it isn't so for all caregivers.
So please do climb down off your Cross and stop judging others for how they handle their caregiving situations. Have a nice day.
You also need to call her doctor and ask for some therapy to come in to get her up and moving with assistance to ensure she maintains strength. That's another point to bring to her attention - she has to be able to move around. If she has money to cover expense of 24 hour care, ok. If not, facilities have people and equipment to handle the kind of care people need when they become bedbound.
She also has another choice if she is going to make it difficult for a housekeeper or an aide for her to come in - she can help you pick out a facility or you can select it.
Another thought is: you are taking care of grandchildren 3 days a week. How about those parents coming in on their days off to help tend to gr gr'ma and grandpa. To be working and being a day care PLUS the adult care is too much for anyone. The parents could take a turn or provide payment that it would cost at outside day care to cover some inhome assistance that you need.
If you don't mind her living in the in-law apartment tell her..
"Mom if you want to continue to live here you have to let me get someone to come in and help me take care of you. I can not do this all by myself" "If you refuse to allow that then we will have to look for Assisted Living places for you, we can start looking on Monday"
THEN..
"Mom I love you very much but right now my husband is my priority"
"My grandkids, YOUR great grandkids are also in need of my help right now"
"And I need to take a little better care of myself. I need to set boundaries"
"If you stop eating and die that is YOUR choice not mine. I do not want that to happen, the grandkids don't want that to happen either"
Let me explain something to you. Moving your mother into a care facility where her health and safety will be maintained and she'll be taken care of is not "dumping" her.
Dumping her would be if one night you put her in the car, drove many, many miles away from civilization then kicked her out of the car and drove off. That would be dumping her.
Deciding that the elder can no longer live in your house and finding them a decent and even nice place as an alternative is not dumping them somewhere.
As for your mom not being here with you forever, I've got news for you. None of us will be here forever, yourself included. No, it's not a crime to grow old. The ones who grew old are lucky they had a long life. That does not mean that their families have to live in miserable servitude until they die.
'Taking care' of a person is not catering to their every need, want, and whim. It is not allowing them to rule your home, your life, and your family with an iron fist like a medieval king. That their word is law and that's it. Many elders don't understand that giving them what they need isn't always what they want. Taking care of one of our elderly loves ones means making sure they're living safe and are being properly cared for. It doesn't mean you have to be the one doing it.
Show it to your mother and explain that she must move out for your health (which is the truth). Tell her you will help her find a nice assisted living apartment nearby and will help her move into the place in 2 weeks. Tell her you will visit weekly - and more often if you can.
Otherwise, just tell her you can not care for her anymore while your husband has cancer and needs you more. Help her find the assisted living apartment and help her move in. Visit weekly - or when you can.
May I suggest also talking with your children about finding other sitters for 2 (0r all) days of the week so you can focus more on helping your husband. Also, let them know that you and your husband will be taking a vacation and will be unavailable for a week to mind grandchildren. Then, plan that vacation and go!
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"I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! "
"I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything."
"My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her."
You've also said that your mother pays for nothing. Nothing in 11 years?
Sounds like you have had enough of martyrdom. Your poor husband! PLEASE place your mother somewhere and enjoy life with your husband before it is too late.
What are your mother's finances? What has she been doing with her money for the 11 years she's lived with you? SS? Pension? Assets? What else does she have besides those CDs?
You've been posting on this site since 2019. Do you think the time has finally come for her to go live somewhere else? You CAN make that happen!
She would probably be considered a Tenant living with you for so long.
You should give her a written 30 Day Notice that she must move out.
Let her know you will take her to go look at a few Assisted Living Places.
If she doesn't move in 30 days then on day 31, go File an Eviction on her at the Court House where you live. In Texas it cost $126.
You can get the paper work at the Court House and when filling it out you put the Reason for Eviction is Holding Over which means they are Living there and now you want them out.
You will get something from the Court that day showing when your Court Date is and Mom will get her summons for the Court Date in the mail.
If she moves out before the Court Date, neither one of you have to appear in Court.
If she doesn't move out go to Court and the Judge will grant you to have her move out.
If she is still in on the 6th day you go back to the courthouse and File a Writ. In Texas it cost $136.
The Writ will have a Constable come to your home and make your mom leave and you will have to put all mom's stuff out by the curb.
If she starts up with how she'll starve herself to death and it will be your fault, handle it like this. Don't get excited or let any drama start up. Tell her that if she wants to starve herself to death that's her choice not yours. That's a classic guilt tactic elders lay on their family to get their own way or to ensure that they will continue getting their own way about everything. I've worked in elder homecare for almost 25 years. There have been more families than I can count in your same situation. I'll tell you what I told them. Don't play into the elder's manipulation and guilt-tripping. Completely ignore them and walk away the second they start up with it. Don't feed it by giving it any attention. If you have kids, you will know that when a little kid starts having a tantrum, you ignore them and walk away, but you let them see you walking away. Then they stop. Same approach with the elderly.
Find your mother a decent place and move her into it whether she wants to go or not.
My mom is 96 and yes elders can be manipulative but being our mothers, makes them special, different better…caring for them can be fulfilling as well as frustrating but you will never feel guilty when she is gone because you know you’ve done your best for her.
Also OOMA is a cheap phone system and she can keep her phone number.
I still feel guilty at times about moving my dad. He is 95. But it is just a change of address. I go see him 3 times a week and know he has care beyond what I can do.
several months ago, moms dementia worsened. She couldn’t possibly care for herself any longer, I was doing most. My husband, on the heart transplant list. I’m also disabled. Bottom line, I told my mom if we didn’t figure things out fast, I’m the one that will stroke out or have fatal heart attack from all the stress.
with dementia, there’s no reasoning. You just gotta do what you gotta do. I said years ago, never would I put mom in a home. But, when you get older, your health and situations change.
I spoke to mom and said, “ma, I just can’t do this anymore”. “I can’t always be with you, I can’t take you with me everywhere I go, I’m afraid your next fall could be your last, I can’t take care of you, my husband, myself any longer”.
My mom started mixing up her meds when I wasn’t home, though I would set them up weekly. I had to them give them and insulin daily, few times a day, as I did with my husband. She didn’t eat right, so, we had to make sure mom was fed diabetic diet. Running around to doctors, mom hanging on me as we walked.
It is not easy. Anyone who walked in our shoes knows this.
I called a few places that we knew were better than others. This way I knew mom would be safe. I packed moms stuff and brought her to her new assisted living home. I gave her a huge hug , told her I loved her, and watched her walk inside with one of the staff. When I got back into the car, I don’t even think I got that far, I cried my eyes out. Like I just abandoned my mother.
I do bring mom to her doctors and physical therapy, get her tests done, go for breakfasts, lunches, or dinners. It’s still difficult because I feel guilty. But I know moms safe and I see her a lot, few times a week.
mom calls me and wants to get out every day. But I say, I’ll be there tomorrow or Friday or whenever we had planned. In September my husband and I are moving to Connecticut awaiting his new heart, to be closer to transplant hospital. (From here it’s a four hour drive, hard winters). I won’t be able to see mom much, which will be so sad for both of us, but will always speak on phone.
We left it to mom if she wanted to move closer to us and she said for now she’d remain there. But more I thought about moving her, I thought about how difficult it would be for her to relocate and start from scratch again. Winter will go fast and we’ll be able to visit again, once we know snow is all done with. (8 hours round trip drive)
Enough of me rambling. But the point is, it’s not that you don’t love your mom. You may have to do things sometimes that may not be a perfect solution, but at least you know that loved one is safe. It takes a little while for adjustment, but in time, it’ll all work out. Just go visit, call, whenever you can. Don’t forget the love your mom had for you growing up before she got this way. They don’t wanna be old and dependent, just as we don’t wanna be. Show a lot of love and you won’t have regrets later on. You’ll always know you did the best you could.
pray a lot. It always makes me feel better.
wishing you well.
You are right and did right to put your mother in a nursing home because she needs professional care. She would still be hating on you even if she remained in your home with you. The only thing that would have changed is her tactics. She would take different approach in fight-picking and insitgating.
If you can't afford extra help, look for senior day care programs. If she starts to be verbally or physically abusive, video record her actions and play them back for her.
If *you* get ill from having too much of a burden, we've got your husband, your grandchildren, AND her with no one to take care of them - is that fair, even to her?
your husband and your marriage are your priority. You are the one with the choice here, not her.
You ask how you can get her to go??? You go out and tour facilities, find one and move her things and take her there. Will she like it? No, so don’t even expect it. Will she be angry with you? Probably so expect that. It will take 3-6 months for her to get used to it. But she sounds like she needs eyes on her 24/7. And that can’t be you. She doesn’t know what is best for her care…you do. It’s a difficult decision but you are doing it for the right reasons. Use your doctor to blame it on if you want a scapegoat.
Use the information provided by the “visitors” who are assessing her situation in relation to your overall circumstances.
Don’t try reason. Don’t try coaxing. Don’t even try explaining the facts of your tumultuous life.
Pack her bags, arrange transportation (ambulance if necessary), WAVE GOODBYE.