Two alcohol related falls in the past year that resulted in trips to the ER. My mom lived independently until October 2019. She moved into assisted living in Oct. Her driving license has been suspended since Dec 2019 (because of concerns with her driving abilities and dementia). In Oct and Nov she did not drink any alcohol because she did not bring her car to the assisted living. In Dec she had "friends" that took her to activities and were willing to stop at the liquor store on the way back from events. Noticed changes in her behavior in Dec so I could tell she was drinking again. Found the bottle in her apt and got rid of it. Fairly certain she will go back with the "friend" and stop at the liquor store.
She has been scammed by phone scammers in the past (to the tune of almost $20,000) so I have credit cards, check book and health insurance cards in my possession. Debit card was cancelled last time someone scammed her and I will keep that card, as well.
How aggressive should I be about getting rid of this new bottle of vodka she will probably bring back to her apartment?
How well does it work to set boundaries to say that I won't stop by/take her places/take calls from her if she has vodka in her apartment? She hides the bottles (and frequently forgets where they are). She also insists that in spite of 25+ stitches to her head and two trips to the ER because of falls when she is intoxicated that she does not "over indulge."
She has cash (about $200) in her wallet and at some point she will run out, at which point I can limit how much money she has and when she gets it - any suggestions on what to do until then?
I am her POA.
Give the AL facility a heads up that certain friends may take her to buy alcohol so they can pay attention to bags she may carry back in. Do a search each time you go her in her apt and pour out the alcohol. Tell her this is your plan. Ask her if she has a plan in the event drinking gets her put out of the facility AND ask if she wants help to quit. There are medications that drinkers take that will make them very sick if they drink - you might ask dr about that.
I wouldn't say to stop talking to her or visiting. She's your mom. You don't have to spend hours entertaining a drunk, but phone calls and visit length of time can be determined by what is going on when you talk to her. Long visit or say hello, I can see you've been drinking, I'll call tomorrow.
I went to Alnon for 7 years, it helped me tremendously. There is also a site called soberrecovery.com they have a family & friends section, it would be a good start.
I haven't spoken to my mother for 8 years, I couldn't take it anymore. I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for.
If she is safe in "her drinking". Her tolerance may not be what "kills" her. It makes her "happy"...She will get it without you. Let go and meet her where she is and enjoy her "well being". If you have a thing for Alcohol..get her something laced with "wacky tobacky"
Sometimes you just have to do what you believe is in your LO's best interest. And sometimes you just have to accept there are limits to what you can do. Best wishes and good luck finding your own path thru the jungle.
Learn about adult children of alcoholics and how to alleviate (as much as possible) the guilt you carry. There is also ALANON.
Remember that she is an ADULT and your childhood ( or adulthood) did NOT cause the drinking. It will be hard.
Love and visit her sober. You can leave when she is not sober. It will not change her, but you will not have to flash back to as many bad times.
Make sure her funeral is paid for.
It is awful to have to bury your parent, feel guilty for things out of your control, and mortgage your house to pay for a funeral..... all at once.
Hopefully the consequences of a drunken fall will not be tragic, but she makes the choice to risk it everytime she fixes a drink.
Protect yourself from her when she is drinking and let it go. Maybe go to the hospital to do what you need to but don't see her, let her deal with her choices. Sometimes stepping away is the only help.
If you get her Baker Acted chances are they will simply deem her competent, put her on meds and she will go home and go back drinking (with psychotropics in her system), then fall and break a hip. If they deem her incompetent she can end up in a nursing home and they will dry her up, but she may end up resenting you.
In short no matter what you do it's going to be hard. You could try getting her Baker Acted for psych eval and they can put her in a nursing home so at least she won't go around drunk--but don't be surprised they release her. I mean you can try.
Because she can not drive the Community is safe(r).
There is not much you can do to prevent her from getting alcohol. If you say she can not go out with these friends they will bring stuff in to her.
Even if you had her placed in a Memory Care area of the facility her friends could still bring in alcohol. (trust me they would get it to her)
As her cash runs out you can limit the amount of money she has on her. That in itself is a good thing but having even just a bit she will find a way to get the alcohol she so needs.
I guess what I am trying to say is You are not going to "win" this battle.
You can tell her that you will not deal with her when she is drinking or drunk. If you visit and she is drunk or drinking LEAVE. No discussion just leave.
Prepare yourself for the continued decline as it will happen.
Prepare for when she will have to go into the Memory Care area as it will happen sooner or later.
Or prepare yourself for the fatal fall that she might have at some time. Either a head trauma or a broken hip.
Addiction is not easy on the addict or the family and it is the family that deals with the aftermath.
Concentrate on what you can do: help her with her finances, keep her pill box filled and any other tasks she needs done. But her alcoholism is off the table. Her alcoholism will drive YOU crazy and drive HER crazy. It's not your job to get her sober, it's hers.
I understand the issues of dementia. Perhaps contact with the Alzheimer's Association can provide some recommendations.
Manage her finances.
But you can't win the fight over her drinking. So leave it alone.
However, this is your mom and she’s at the end of her life. One would hope to have good relations.
If she is in denial, she will find a way to get her drinks. Sadly, she will either hurt herself seriously or suffer some type of alcohol related illness that will address this issue.
As long as it is not causing you any emotional pain, do you think you could accept her on her terms, vodka and all?
Good luck,
charlotte
In any event, I don't think there's anything you can personally 'do' about this situation. An addict is going to get their substance of choice by hook or by crook, period. It's the nature of addiction, unfortunately. You can definitely limit her funds once she runs out, but at my mother's ALF, they have a Friday evening 'Happy Hour' with lots of access to wine and other spirits. There's one lady who gets drunk EVERY single week at that shindig, and all the other residents gossip about her. Sigh. Like I said......where there's a will, there's a way.
Good luck!