She's only 53, but drank heavily and smoked since before I was born. I knew one day something like this would probably happen but I thought maybe I'd at least be out of my 20s when it did. I know I should be grateful she's even alive and can talk, but she's just....barely my mom anymore.
She has moments where she's lucid, but she fades out and forgets you're there. When I visited her it was so hard, luckily I held my tears back until I could leave, but I was a mess afterwards. She hardly acknowledged me, when she did "see" me while lucid for a moment she smiled at me, she looked so happy to see me, but then she just faded out again and it was gone.
She didn't reach for me when I gently touched her good arm, she didn't talk to me much. She called me a lot early on, at least once every day, but now she hasn't been calling me at all and when I call her she doesn't normally pick up for obvious reasons. On the phone she sounds almost like herself, but not quite. This last time we talked I had called her and she surprised me by picking up, but midway through talking she told me she was going to go and hung up after five minutes.
I know it's not her fault, but it feels like she's gone and her body is just operating without her. Like someone just siphoned out her personality and left an emotionally flat person behind. I feel guilty because I've only been able to visit her the once, seeing her like that hurt me in a way I can't describe (I have my own array of mental health issues that leave me disabled and in therapy, I should say) and I'm so, so scared to try and see her again in fear of what I'd see.
As a kid I used to stay up really late until my mom got off work because I believed for some reason if I did, nothing bad would happen to her. I did this for her dutifully every night in Elementary school, and I had a constant fear of her dying. I still have a severe panic disorder when it comes to death, especially my own. I've always been so scared of loss and seeing her being spoon fed like an infant and how empty her beautiful blue green hazel eyes were just broke something inside me I don't think I'll ever get back.
What do I do? How do I stay strong? How do I cope? I miss talking to my mom so much, I miss just being able to call her and talk for hours, I miss knowing she'll wake up and see the funny videos I sent her or the questions I needed answered. I feel horrible because I know I should be grateful that she's still alive, and I know I should be doing more to comfort her since she's the one who's actually suffering here, but it hurts so much and I can't stop crying.
It's been three weeks since it happened, right before her birthday. I brought her her mother's day gift we'd been trying to get to her but she never had time to see us, or so she said. She didn't care about the gift and I was left just clutching it and watching while she stared off into space and forgot I was there. I found out she'd quit her job two months before this without telling anyone and just stayed at home drinking all day. I don't know why she never reached out. I've offered her company so many times over the years and she just never wanted to come over. My own disability keeps me from driving as it currently stands, or maybe I should call it my mental incapability.
I feel so useless and I have no one to talk to. The rest of my family lives far away from us and they tend to conveniently never answer me when I'm upset, and I have no friends. I just want my mom back, I'd do anything. I'd take her place if I could. I don't know what to do anymore. I was just starting to learn how to accept and love myself, and it was going great, and then her stroke hit and everything has been crumbling since.
It hurts so, so bad and I feel so selfish for whining about it while she's the one who lost so much
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all this right now, but you're number one priority has to be yourself. I'm glad that you're in therapy, as you definitely need it after living with an alcoholic mother all your life. Your mother has made her choices in life and now she is suffering the consequences. You now have the choice to take care of yourself, and get the help that you need to be whole and happy again. You say in your last sentence that your mom lost so much, but you my dear have lost a lot too, with having an alcoholic for a mother. I hope that you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself, along with your other therapy, as that will give you a better perspective on things.
And that might mean that you have to stay away from your mom for a while, while she gets her life back on track, and does the hard work both physically and mentally for her to be happy and whole again too. You have to remember that your mother is not your responsibility. You have tried to make her your responsibility since you were a little girl, but again the only person you are now responsible for is yourself. And I hope and pray that you will take good care of you. God bless you.
I really do hope my mom does get her life back on track, she's been given the opportunity to. The Dr does know, and when they asked her if she wanted help kicking those habits, she accepted that offer which is amazing in of itself because my mom never asks for help or accepts it. I just really hope she sticks with it.
I've never attended an Al-anon meeting, but maybe I should. I've heard a lot of good things about it and maybe it will help me release the feeling of owing my parents. I just grew up to be so compassionate that despite the pain they caused me, it's agonizing to imagine them suffering. But I know you're right, it was her choices and her self neglect that brought her here, ultimately.
Who is managing her care? This would be important and practical for you to know if she is single and there aren't any other family members advocating for her. Maybe she is depressed (who wouldn't be?)... she may need help to work through this. She also may need to assign a Durable Power of Attorney to manage her financial and medical affairs while she improves. Can you find out from her if she has one? (probably not but it won't hurt to ask).
You may want to find a support group for families of stroke victims. Maybe ask the hospital staff or online search it. You may see that people do come out the other end of this mess. Check back here and give us updates so we can support you. May you receive wisdom and peace as you adjust to the new normal for your family.
Right now she has medicaid, which was granted to her almost immediately after she was hospitalized. The information I was given following her stroke was from my grandma (her mom) who came to see her and pestered her for answers. I was not even called or told she had a stroke until the afternoon after the day she had it, because my dad can barely use his phone and all of our family lives down a few states and none of them call or talk to me. We've just always been isolated from the rest of the family because we lived farther away and didn't get to go to gatherings or holidays often.
So over the years once my brother and I became adults we stopped being invited for summers at grandma's house, which is fine and understandable, but it generally caused a pseudo-estrangement to happen. They don't hate us or anything but they don't really pay attention to us either.
I really hope I can try to be there for my mom as much as possible, and I hope I'll have good updates for you all in the future. I know realistically the fact that she's still got even just enough of herself to hold brief conversations is a good sign (she had the stroke all day long before getting help). She's been sleeping a lot which is good, I know, because it will help her brain heal itself over time.
Thank you, again. I know I just need to accept that I can still love and support what remains of her, and who she will be going forward. I've told her on the phone a few times that no matter how much or how little progress might happen, I'll always love her. But that I believed she'll get through this one day. She's bitter about not being able to walk but has a slight sense of humor about it sometimes too.
Personally, I just hope she one day feels like herself and comfortable again. Because I know that if she is, it'll be a lot easier to explore that new relationship going forward.
I've 100% been all for her receiving proper, professional support and care. Right now she's on a waiting list for a rehab in my hometown, and in the meantime she's still in the hospital receiving daily therapy there.
And you're right, I'm extremely concerned that once she does go home, she will resume her addiction and hide it like she has been. My father won't be giving up drinking or smoking to help support her despite his own declining health, and I'm not sure she'll hold out for long. I really help she allows her rehab to offer her therapy and that she takes it seriously because I know she needs it. I've been trying to encourage her by talking about how well my therapy is going, hoping maybe she'll remember that and think she can do it too.
Yes, it is likely that things will be different, but some degree of recovery/adaptation can result in the weeks and months following as the brain reconfigures its neural pathways.
My dad was in a state similar to your description and I felt very much as you did - cut off and adrift. I spent many hours sitting and talking to what I could only describe as a stranger, trying to reengage some semblance of normality. Nothing worked for weeks, but I would escort him around the hospital daily and eventually was allowed to briefly take him outside (after some heated words with staff) - the exercise was very helpful as was the feeling of sun on the face.
And then one day, miraculously, I visited to find my dad sitting up and responsive - able to comprehend my questions with genuine responses. No, it didn't last and there have been ups and downs ever since within general decline (age related), but it was fortuitous at the time as I had just picked up the paperwork for placement into a facility and this changed the course of his future care - some three and a half years ago.
So, try not to lose hope and spend time talking even if there seems no response. What appears on the outside is not always evidence of the inner mind and some external support can be a powerful influence along the path to recovery. Even if only for a short while, it can give you time to reconnect and accept the changes for yourself.
Your feelings of loss are no less valid in such circumstances so please take care of your mental health.
But you're right, I need to try really hard to focus on what I do have left and celebrate the goals she does meet. It's devastating, but life will go on one way or another. I don't know if she'll pick up but I'll keep trying to call her as much as possible and see how she's doing. She knows I have terrible anxiety and going outside is hard for me + knows I cannot drive myself to her and can only hitch a ride on weekends.
At least this way she'll know I'm thinking of her and if she can pick up, will have someone to talk to a little bit. And I can support her a little bit that way.
There is a phenomenon called just that: "flat affect." It's a total absence of expressed emotion. Add that possibility to the complete exhaustion many people experience after a stroke and you can be certain that your mother has not stopped being herself, she's simply in no state to show it.
What I hope is more consoling is that three weeks is still early days, your mother is young, and it is reasonable to hope for considerable improvement yet.
Meanwhile, whine away! You have things to "whine" about, starting with this horrible shock you've just had.
I've been texting her encouragement since day one but I've recently learned that reading is especially frustrating right after a stroke, so I may try to just call her and see how she's feeling at least once a day.
I can hear that even though your mom had issues with alcohol etc that you love her and are very close to her. I have always had that connection with my mom (even through her quirks or harder times) and I too miss my mom.
She had a massive stroke as well (in 2019 and was 71) though older she was 100% healthy and independent - running her own business etc so it was very much not expected at all.
Every stroke is different as is the recovery time. My mom took so much longer to make bigger strides (but what her brain and body went through it needed time) so do not lose hope.
Most stroke survivors will have peaks and valleys for awhile before better balance and sometimes even smaller strokes as I have seen people say one day they are good and the next day they are fully exhausted and that is for those who were not left with large deficits - so it is normal.
They usually start them on an antidepressant right away - (my mom actually did not start till much later on as she is med sensitive so with all the other meds it was just too much) - once she was able to wean off the additional medications that were needed in the beginning she was then able to participate even more in her days. But for a long while all her energy went mostly to her therapies and then just resting in between - as those therapies take every ounce they have for quite some time. Don’t look around and see the other people doing more or better - she may just take longer so don’t be discouraged if she does.
Im not sure how involved you are with her drs and care but you could ask about the medications she is on and if they could be affecting her - you could ask if she is on an antidepressant and if not - if they think trying one could help or even switching to a different one.
You can ask to speak with her therapist PT OT Speech and ask them if she is participating at the level she should and may be just exhausted from their sessions.
My mom couldn’t talk - eat - swallow - read or write for months and then each day a little more came back. She will never be whom she was before - she will always be the new Bev and that is parts of her old self and parts of her new self. Her long term memory is 150% and her short term memory (even 2.5 years later) still gets stronger daily. My moms recovery was on the slow end and a lot of that was because I pulled her out of rehab as her rehab just was not safe for her and so I took on something that gave her slower gains and took longer but that’s just how it happened for us. Having your mom in a rehab and speaking with her team may help you while you go through this hard and scary part and grieve it as well.
If you feel mom has slowed down from a week ago then ask to speak with her nurse - therapist or drs and tell them your concerns - families usually see the small things that can be overlooked -as we know them best and are sometimes spending more time with them to see any changes.
This is such a huge journey for you to go alone - do you have any other family - dad - aunts - siblings that can help you speak with doctors etc? You may even be able to request to speak with case manager or social worker to guide you as a family.
I have learned so much about strokes and how even the littlest infections or electrolyte imbalance or new meds can really hurt them as their brains are healing and changed so it could be something that needs to be checked on mom that may be affecting her. But it could also just be the brain doing all it’s healing and how exhausting that is - it could take months to be able to make room for things like emotions…as personality changes do happen with stroke and often do need medications or cognitive therapies going forward.
I can only tell you to continue to have hope as stroke recovery is amazing and there is no two that are alike - your mom is young and that gives her an even
wishing you and your mom a good team around you and just take one moment at a time.
I highly suggest either reaching out to a support group or therapist as everyone in the loved ones circle is affected by a stroke - having other people who can understand that will bring you some peace.
Your mother will qualify for rehab and care facilities. You need to allow them to care for her while you visit her and provide encouragement for her participation in the rehab. She should not come home until she is able to provide basic care for herself (get herself something to eat and drink, toilet herself, use a phone or push a button and communicate she needs some additional help, etc.).
It is difficult to see someone when they are ill and reduced to relying on others for basic functioning. It's particularly difficult when we've young and are going through it for the first time. One of the things we gain with age is just the experience of going through things we feel like are the end of the world and surviving them. We come to know from experience that no matter how bad the situation feels, we can endure and the situation will get better someday. Many of us when caring for our parents get to see their infirmities come on slowly with stages over months or years to come to terms with. With a stroke, you get hit with a bunch of stuff at one time; some to most of it may not be permanent. Try to remember when visits are difficult that the person you love is in there somewhere but you are not responsible for their illness or their recovery. Your visits _may_ have an impact on their recovery if they _allow_ it too, but you are still not responsible for that recovery. Each person is responsible for the choices they make in their lives and the consequences of those choices. Don't just worry about your mother, take care of yourself too.
She's not much of a go-getter when it comes to her self care, and she tends to downplay her pain or needing help. It's very hard to try and be there for her because she just won't be honest about her troubles or feelings. I really want to hope she'll stick with it and that kicking the alcohol and cigarettes will help her live longer and a little healthier than she once did.
I know it's not my responsibility to fix her, but thank you for saying it as well. I feel like I owe her, even though I know she would never say such a thing to me. If she could, she'd tell me that she raised me because she wanted to and she loved me, not because she wanted something in return. Life's just a little funny like that though, it feels like no matter what we choose, there's always "what if" and regrets. I'm trying to do what I can and I really hope it's enough.
She deserves all the support she can get right now and maybe I do too, but it's hard to focus on me while she's all alone in the hospital. I really hope I'm able to physically visit her more once she's in the rehab facility since it's closer and less difficult to navigate. Also hopefully she'll have her own room and I won't be too embarrassed to just sit in the room and hang out while she rests.
Asking staff when is the most appropriate time to call (in consideration of their busy schedule and for when mother appears most receptive) and being consistent, can help regain some sense of routine and anticipation - it may also mollify the 'eternal' feelings of hospital stays and send positive thoughts for recovery (which will equally buoy your spirits by being proactive in her quest).
This is a big thing that happened to your Mom. Finding yourself in a family crises & adjusting to these big changes takes a lot of energy. Be kind & nurturing to yourself - eating well, getting fresh air & exercise. Having a little time in the day to tune out can be beneficial too - not everyone likes meditation but many people like listening to their favorite music or colouring books.
Have you ever considered finding a councelling service? A good therapist can be a great listener. They can't fix Mom's stroke of course, but can offer support when feeling overewhelmed.
Keep reaching out, keep talking to all of the wonderful people on here. A social worker told me once "Do what is best for you and then what is best for your mom will follow."
Please keep reaching out. Bless you and your mom!