My mom has dementia. I am her caregiver. She has lived with me for over a year. Today, out of the blue at her doctor appointment she made me leave the room then told the doctor I withhold food from her. I have never skipped a meal for her. She has been in good health this whole year. I was questioned by her doctor about this. I told him this is not true. He said he can tell she is eating because she is healthy. Now he is obligated to send someone out to question me. I am very upset by all this. Mom doesn't remember saying anything to her doctor nor does she remember asking me to leave room so she could talk. This came out of left field. We always get along. There has been nothing but love and understanding and excellent care given to her. I know it's her dementia and I dont fault her for this. It just is a horrible and sad experience both she and I went through today. Any words of support are welcome. Thank you.
How do you deal with this when they are mobile on their own? I feel awful trying to stop her from another serving of whatever. "But I want it!" She just dumped the rotissierrie chicken on the floor rumaging in the fridge. I keep the toaster under the counter, unplug the microwave, (she burned bread in it a few weeks ago), and took the knobs off the stove.
I know it's the disease, but it makes me just about quiver with frustration. She was doing this before, but dealing with it on an hourly basis is awful. I Suppose it could be a lot worse, and probably will be. I keep a regular journal, and started to do a food journal for the particularly bad days. Will run it by her Doctor this week.
Any other helpful hints?
With Hospice, they checked her "weight" by the diameter of her upper arms, above the elbow. This is an indication if fat is building up, or going down.. as far as I recall.
If you take pictures, take selfies with her holding a milkshake or something with you, make it a fun and happy picture so she doesn't get upset about it. Play music,,.. You can always mix her ensure with a milkshake to make it taste better. That is what my friend and I did with our moms when they were roommates at a board n care. We made it fun, lively and happy..:)
Is she able to participate part time at an adult day care a couple days a week? Insurance may help pay for it.. I don't recall. I don't think they did with my mom, but that was a number of years ago... Senior activities during the weekday, to give you a break, and mom something new to do to activate the brain differently.. New people, activities, daily news, where in the World are we Talking about..Geography... puzzles,etc... you get it... IF YOU CAN ENGAGE HER IN OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES A FEW DAYS A WEEK, WILL HELP TOO.
So when she comes home to you, she will be happy to see you...and she knows you are doing the best you can... Sometimes, all of us need a break.. :)
Glad she is around for you to get concerned... :)
Glad is able to talk, and make conversations... When that stops,,, IT IS REALLY SAD...:(
On that note, please be patient with mom, do not correct her if she doesn't get a name right, or a date right, or what she had for breakfast... When she stops talking, that will be very devastating. I asked mom what was my name, .. her sister's name popped up... I corrected her.. she stopped talking... It hurts... then you are the master of facial expressions, you think... happy? yes... frustrated/confused? looks like it....crying...it hurts, or she is sad......or scared...
I am glad your mom is well taken care of... you are doing a good job! Keep it up. You are all she has, make it fun, enjoyable and happy... You Both Deserve It!
As I said it's also one of the things medical professionals look for when deciding whether and when hospice is appropriate.
Her blood work shows she is not dehydrated and all numbers are good.
A daily log is kept of her BP, O2 and Pulse readings. Various other things are checked off that are being tracked.
On the opposite side of your mom is my late MIL, also with dementia. When visiting we would ask if she had eaten and she would say she had and then would describe a huge meal that usually began with fried chicken. FIL ( also with dementia) would listen in wonder and then complain that he wasn’t invited to that meal. He had eaten only cereal he would grumble.
Of course, she had not eaten the meal she described. (Nor was he living on cereal).
My mom used to complain that when my nieces and nephews as young children would arrive at her kitchen table, they would say they hadn’t eaten. My mom would frown at my sister. It would make my sister so upset with them. They had just finished eating at home but when they got close to GM they got hungry for whatever she was cooking. Everything tasted wonderful there. I wonder what your mom’s doctor would do about that? Have CPS visit?
Doesn’t he know that your mom has dementia?
I’m sorry that the doctor is not allowed to depend on his own examination and tests to temper her remarks.
She might mention he was inappropriate with her when you stepped out of the room, what then?
Sadly, it's all part of dementia. Your mom is in brain failure. On the plus side, it will now be documented that your mom has a history of unfounded reports. That will be a good thing if this becomes habitual.
My mother constantly claimed that I had not done things for her but, fortunately, not that. At her AL she claimed they did not remind her about meals or feed her but, thankfully, it was a great facility and they had good records.
Blaming Alzheimers mom
my mom complained that I wouldn't let her sleep in a bed but I put her in the dogs cage at night. now as silly as it sounds her doctor had to report it. they came out and laughed, had cup of tea and wished me well with her caregiving.
I learned to take everything they say to me and anyone with a grain of salt. they will forget it faster than they said it....
good luck....
You reminded me about what happened with my daughter at school. When I went in for the usual reviews, first thing teacher does is ask me how many kids I have... Ummm, 2 (thinking where is THIS going?) She then asked about their rooms. Each has their own bedroom. Then she tells me how the kids get a topic handed to them and have to stand up and talk about it. My daughter mentioned sleeping on the floor... Ahhh, the light dawns!
I assured the teacher we three ALL have our own rooms and beds. At her dad's, she was at that time sleeping on a futon, not the floor! Maybe to her it was more like the floor, compared to a regular bed.
By some good fortune, I dodged a bullet there, eh?
Grace + Peace,
Bob
My best to you and your mom. You’re a kind soul.
It was disturbing to see one response say APS showed up with the police, but then again there are times when they don't get cooperation or worse (remember that man who blew up his house, presumably with his kids in it and killed the APS worker?)
It's probably best to just graciously invite them in and they can query your mother all they want - it should be apparent to them that this is dementia working. Given that she isn't emaciated and appears to be well cared for, that should be the end of it. If not, ask for a supervisor to discuss why follow up visits are needed for this instance (food being withheld) if mom is of good weight and appears healthy.
Caring for her myself isn't something I considered. I made my decision that I could not care for her myself for various reasons, including physical capability on my part. Any complaints would have to be directed to the facility! My mother is actually overweight, so they can't be accused of withholding food! They told me once that right after eating breakfast, she said she hadn't eaten and demanded more! They gave her more food. Any time she falls, they report it to me and either have her checked out/monitored for a while. Most of her "falls" have been gentle tumbles, no injury, so again, no need for APS!
I WAS concerned when she was living in her own condo and after a few months of 1 hour checks (sanity/meds taken), she refused to let them in. I was worried about something happening to her and WE kids get the blame for not being proactive. It took some time and wrangling (she refused to consider moving ANYWHERE, including to brothers' places) but she is now in MC. The move was delayed for several reasons beyond our control, but it couldn't have happened at a better time! She "bruised" her leg, didn't let us know (she did tell her neighbor, who relayed that to me) or have enough sense to know how serious it was (cellulitis.) If not caught when it was, it could have killed her!
Funny, my almost 21yo kitty, with CKD, lung spots, previously treated for hyperthyroid, has developed kitty dementia (feline cognitive disorder.) She eats MORE than any other cat in the house! She lost a lot of weight when being treated with medication for the thyroid and being older hasn't really gained any back. So, is she forgetting she just ate or are the lung spots taking too much from what she eats? Can't exactly ask her about that! I do know that before the dementia I had trouble getting her to eat enough, but now... nom nom nom all day long! So much that she poops twice/day! :-D