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My mother demanded in-home care - ME! Only me, 24/7, 365 days per year. She refused to cooperate with the lovely PSW we hired. Tried to fire her and block her from entering. She’d actually try to stop the PSW from cooking, washing up and laundry, insisting I was to do it.

She’d pester us at all hours, pounding on our bedroom door because she was mad about something. Or wanted something. 2am, 4am, 6am... she didn’t care. She felt entitled to my attention and services. Meanwhile, we had to be up for work (husband) and get the kids ready for school (me). My blood pressure soared, I stress ate lots of extra weight and was a nervous wreck. The tension in our home was unbearable.

Do not do it! You will lose your life!
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2, 2024
For anyone else in the situation you were in, my advice would be to go away for a holiday of not less than 2 weeks.
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You are making a very wise decision.

I hope things work out for you, Hiker.
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Read my post from today. My 90 year old parents just moved into my condo complex and are renting. My Dad just got out of the hospital and my husband who is suffering from radiation and chemo side effects had to pick him up. If he was in assisted living my mother would have someone there for her and her dog instead of me staying being in her apartment all day like a prisoner. This is coming from someone who deeply loves her mother. Read my post. Take care!
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Daughterof1930 Sep 2, 2024
Actually your husband did not “have” to pick him up and you don’t need to be “like a prisoner” These are both choices made by you
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I plan to tell my husband there is no way I can agree to being her caregiver or moving to another state & giving up everything I have here. Eventually he will see that it's not wise.
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waytomisery Sep 2, 2024
Why would you have been the caregiver ? It’s not your mother . Was he expecting you to do all the hands on care ? He does not get to decide to place you in servitude .
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I’d suggest that you don’t go along with this now. Don’t wait until it is set up, wait for it to go wrong, and try to change it then. Try very hard to avoid moving to the new out-of-state house with the MIL suite.

If your husband insists, go to a lawyer and ask about division of assets. If you secure your half, don’t let it be invested in the new house. Then you have at least an option for getting out, if you do get forced into the move.

Even going to the lawyer to ask about it, and then discussing it with DH, is a very very good way to show in practical terms how serious you are about objecting to this. If DH won’t listen, go ahead with the division of assets. You don’t have to leave him or divorce, just secure your financial future in case it really does go wrong. After all, half of the marriage and its funds, genuinely are yours.
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Beatty Sep 5, 2024
"in case it really does go wrong"

Do we have this conversation now? The one about the real risk of caregivers (with known health issues OR healthy) suddenly passing away BEFORE their elderly parent.
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Great comments. Especially about trying to maintain parental control. She does not listen to him very often. Will look into assisted living for her. Thank God we are not her durable power of attorney. But we can make suggestions to the one who is.
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waytomisery Sep 1, 2024
That is another reason not to take her in your home . If someone else has POA ,
you have no powers . We have had many people come here in a bind stuck with someone in their home because someone else has POA and doesn’t want to place the parent in assisted living .
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Do not move Queen Bee in.For one thing there’s only one Queen to a hive, and for another her health will only decline to the point where she will have to have an aide in to help with her care as you aren’t exactly a spring chicken and your husband already has a major cardiac history.
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waytomisery Sep 1, 2024
Exactly .

The woman will most likely refuse a caregiver aide to come help at the home . She will expect her son and daughter in law to do it all . She also refuses doctors. This is all available at assisted living .
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Assistive Living is the way to go with stubborn elderly .

No family member should volunteer to live with an uncooperative , controlling , verbally abusive person. Other family has already quit living with her .

Furthermore,

The queen bee mother will try to maintain parental control as she sees your husband as her child . She will not listen to him .

There are countless threads on this Forum where people made the mistake your husband wants to make and they are begging for ways to get their parent out of the house . Their mental and physical health suffers , as well as their marriages .

Tell your husband DON’T DO IT. It is difficult to get a parent out of your home when it becomes their legal residence .

Do not move and upend your life .
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MargaretMcKen Sep 1, 2024
No, tell your husband I WON'T DO IT.
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