My MIL is extremely stubborn, verbally abusive and my husband is considering moving her into a place we'd buy with a MIL suite-out of state.

Usually, it is advisable to move the person who needs help to the one providing help - not the other way around. Not only would you lose contact with other family members, but also friends, potentially a faith community, and all your medical support (thinking about that heart attack).

It would probably be better to move MIL closer to you. Think carefully before you move her into an in-law suite on your property. She is difficult and will most likely require a team of providers so nobody gets burnt out. Another option is ALF or SNF depending on the level of care she needs daily. Research assisted living facilities and skilled nursing facilities near you to get a better idea of what she qualifies for and the cost.

In the meantime, she is probably experiencing anxiety and agitation whenever she has to deal with helpers and tasks. She probably would benefit from medication to help her relax and allow others to help her. The tricky part will be getting somebody making her take her medications consistently. A caregiver that is kind but firm with thick skin is your best bet for assistance right now.

Hi Hiker - your last sentence is all that's pertinent - given everything you mentioned, Assisted Living is actually the ONLY wise choice!

Anything otherwise would only be a prelude to going down a rabbit-hole of continuous and endless responsibilities, angst and aggregation - and you'll never satisfy her - Save yourself!

Besides, Assisted Living would open up a new life for your MIL in a good way - she'll meet people, have access to doctors and care - activities, dining room meals, etc.

I feel for your situation. My family and I had accepted a job offer in a new state last year, with a couple months leeway prior to making the actual move so our kids could complete the school year. In the midst of this planned move, we learned of his father's health crisis ( malnourished and hospitalized and metastatic prostate cancer). At the time, he lived alone, in a 3000 sf multi level home, and unbeknownst to us, hadn't left the den on the first floor in over 2 weeks. We learned of his dire situation during a wellness check after he hadn't returned our calls one day. We got him medical attention, family swooped in to help, and in the end, we all decided with him, to have him move with us for a few reasons. 1- we could look after him and make sure he eats, 2- he could have an accessible bedroom/bathroom/first floor accommodation ( we purchased our house with him in mind) 3- MD Anderson is located here, and he'd get better care.

It's been okay. We're one year in, and he is mostly independent, like having a roommate that eats meals with us, and I shop for. What we did NOT take into account, mostly because of the dire situation at the time of our move, was that he may not be happy here. He was uprooted from his routine back "home" and now lives in a state where he doesn't know anyone but his family, and doesn't care for the weather or people here. This has lead to feelings of depression and angst on his end, and we're now feeling like he is giving up on wanting to live.

This is a HUGE decision, and I will be the first to admit, we made the decision in haste, feeling like there were no other options, and although he has had another year of life because of our intervention, I'm not sure he is any better off mentally than he was before.

I ache for you - and your husband.
She sounds like a narcissistic personality (never enough and me, me, and me).
If I were you, I'd put my foot down with hubby.

Pouring your $ into her ... buying a SUITE is a huge red flag to me (a flag that could cover an entire house). DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.

From my point of view:
- your husband needs to understand what is motiviating him ... decades of an abusive mother (w a narcissistic personality disorder - or worse/ other? Guilt ... whatever is 'running him,' he needs help in figuring it all out - before he makes a decision to buy his queen bee mother a suite.

HE isn't considering that no matter what he buys her, she won't be happy. She'll find something WRONG with it ... with anything and everything.
And then what?

Let her throw her fits ...
Let her refuse.
Let her make her own decisions.
As I see this situation, the person(s) that will suffer are YOU and YOUR husband. Not his 'entitled' mother who'll never be content - and/or appreciative of anything. Your husband needs to understand that SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY to change or 'be' any different.'

Sure, she'll have difficulty with a caregiver. No one will be 'good enough' for her and she wants what she wants when she wants it. Mostly, she wants to rule the roost and perhaps continue to have her son 'wrapped around' her finger' ... and causing him continual grief. He may not know the severity of how his brain has been 'altered' by having a mother interact with him as she has - perhaps all of his life.

Yes, perhaps I am jumping to major conclusions here (i.e., narcissistic personality disorder - or GOD forbid ... worse and other) although until he is open to understanding the situation - her responses / feelings (and why) and his own, he will / may continue to be manipulated by her.

And you are the one who suffers, too. These are your financial resources.
He needs to consider his health - and yours.
And strongly consider the quality of life he wants FOR THE BOTH OF YOU... he needs to put you/r life together first.

Mother will b-tch and scream and so be it. She'll never be content with anything. Period. He needs to understand this.

Gena / Touch Matters

You’re right, it would be crazy to consider it. She’s only going to get worse. As you get older you’ll want to have the support of your daughters. So many people here have come to regret taking in an elderly parent, aunt etc. And it’s even worse when they are abusive to the caregiver. Look into AL facilities. If money is a problem, contact the Area Agency on Aging. Good luck!

Big Mistake. Dont have her move in with you. There currently is a thread of a SIL who let FIL move in with him and his wife and its hell

She needs assisted living.

You are describing my wife's condition. I have siimila= challenges. But it would destroy her to move to a home. She loves our home now for 27 years.

I am 93 years old and worry about when I will no longer be able to prepare all meals(coffee cakes informing, sandwich at lunch, salad and TV dinner). We hire help to take care of our dogs. Clean the kitchen, and fix things in the house and yard.

I try not to react when she gets aggressive and nasty. She does not remember anything for more than minutes

Maybe you c ould just have a thick skin tolerate the problems, and hire help for daily living, not to take care of her.

Do Not move her in with you. Especially do not uproot to move to another state so that she can move in with you!
Why does your husband feel that it is his obligation to take care of her?

If he feels compelled to do this, (as many people do with their parents), why not let him go move in with her in her current home? You remain in your current home.
Make a plan to re-assess the situation and all the options in say, 6 months.
I guarantee you he will be ready to find an assisted living facility for her!

It's not even wise for him to attempt this, given his own health condition.

You can;
1) Do nothing, let her stay at home on her own, as long as she thinks she can live independently. When she fails, it will be time for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing.
2) Hire (with her money) a part time home health aid, as you suggested. It will be nearly impossible to find "the right person".
3) Have her help to pick out an assisted living facility. You may not be able to convince her to make such a move, and unless she is declared mentally incompetent, and you have POA to make decisions for her, she doesn't have to.

If your husband feels that he "needs to be there for her", suggest moving her to an independent apartment nearby, or an assisted living near to you.
But, talk to him. Do Not Move her in with you!

If she would agree to it, perhaps it would be best for your MIL to move to a senior facility near you and your husband, so that you can maintain your contacts with your daughters. You'll have your hands full caring for your husband and yourself as you age. My mother did that for me, and it worked out very well. I was able to visit her often and oversee her care when she became unable to care for herself. She moved into a continuing care facility and ended up using all parts of the facility (independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing). The facility took care of moving her from one apartment to another.

First of all, have all legal paperwork completed for her if she is cognizant to sign for POA for finances and healthcare. Once that is completed, keep notes/ photos of all of her behaviors to discuss with her primary care doctor, who should do all necessary testing to determine her physical and mental status, to determine if she has a diagnosis that is contributing to her behaviors. Once you know what you are dealing with, you can , with the help of her doctors, determine her care needs.
Her needs should not force you to move away from your family. Figure out if she would receive better care in a facility, with proper medication and medical care, as well as how she can use her own assets to pay for her care. Don’t sacrifice your whole family for her. You only have responsibility to keep her safe and comfortable. You can’t make her happy.

Aging ravages the brain often before the body. What you cannot see is her disability to reason and make sense is gone. The older person’s brain goes into survival mode. They demand a lot from those they trust because they have needs they cannot express, like fear of falling, fear of being confused more and more, fear of someone taking advantage of them, fear comes when they no longer understand and can make sense of their world. That does not mean you need to be the caregiver. I am caregiver for my MIL. She trusts me more ….I am her person. So when she is unsure, confused, etc. I am the one she grabs hold of as she drowns in this loss, and in this strange new state. I have a caregiver personality and taught special needs kids for 40 years. I have an understanding about his state of mind and needing someone to trust. I am a whiz at changing the subject to get away from those fears and feelings of confusion. I have had lots of practice in moving with the person and helping them find joy in life. I know it requires extra sleep so I nap when she naps. I also have a caregiver to relieve me two mornings a week when I go to exercise class. My husband (her son) is learning and relieves me to go walk, or lunch with sisters. We cannot lift her in and out of car so have full time home health care (medicare covers). Another plus is that I enjoy staying home because I like to have the time to. Knit, sew, and write ed. Material to sell on my website, and i even like keeping the house and cooking. People often tell me how good it is of me to do this. It seems natural to me and not so much of a chore. But my husband and I are healthy in our mid 70’s where my MIL is 98. She can stand with help of a walker, I guide her and hold on to the back of her waist band because she has a fear of falling. She has not fallen in a year. Together, the walker, my MIL and i walk to the rr and back to a chair and sometimes to the patio to sit. (Though everytime we go to rr, she asks, “now which way is the nearest rr?” You have to know how to find the joy in the moment and we have lots of those moments. We have bird feeders up on patio and lot so flowers. She lives through me. I talk to her as I water flowers and dead-head them and do other household chores. We have conversations at times that make no sense but she enjoys them. We give her mail that is junk but she can spend hours reading it. You have to help her find some joy in her day. She sleeps a lot, sometimes does not want to take meds, and wants to sleep in her clothes. It is ok. I can just leave the meds on her side tray and tell her she can take them later. She always does. I do not argue or try to make her understand because it will not happen. You have to have understanding, patience, and find joy in the spaces you have. If you do not then both you and your MIL will be better in a different caregiving situations.

Do not move away from your daughter to live with queen bee. NO WAY! Your life will be lousy and no one deserves that.

My husband’s Psychiatrist sent me this book. “When Reasoning No Longer Works”. It is a practical guide for caregivers dealing with Dementia and Alzheimer’s care. It is by Angel Smits, BS, Gerentology. This will give you a better understanding and it has helped me a lot. Good luck and God bless.

You need to let your husband take over her complete care since he isn’t facing facts she is going to get worse . Sounds like she has Dementia. Don’t let your husband depend on you to take care of her so he can see first hand when she starts treating him the way she treats you. I’m 73 and taking care of my Dementia husband who is verbally abusive and twice physically in which I had to have the police here. My health is not good now but none of his siblings will have nothing to do with him, he never had friends himself. His Social Worker told me I was getting burned out and needed a break. He refuses to let anyone come to help take care of him as he says I can do it. He now has Alzheimer’s also. These diseases are terrible and being their caregiver can tear your health down. I know my husband isn’t responsible for his outbursts of yelling, cussing, kicking & throwing things, it is the diseases. I will take care of him until I die or if he dies because I love him. Your husband needs to have caregivers come in and take care of his mother out of respect for you. Personally, I don’t believe in nursing homes or Memory Care Units as they do not get proper care. I have worked in them, they are so short staffed today and the Administrators cut cost as most places are FOR PROFIT, so to keep their job to show they are making profits they cut costs. I saw nurses walk out in only 1/2 hour from being on duty due to unsafe working conditions and they didn’t want to lose their license because they had to dispense medication to over 30 patients because she had no other nurse on duty to help. I saw neglect and I will not let my husband be subjected to that. Eventually as he gets worse I will have someone come in to help me as I want to stay alive to give him proper care. When your MIL is abusive, just walk away. When my husband does, I don’t say anything as I just leave the room, go to my room, watch my TV and pray. After an hour I come out and he is so happy to see me and says he missed me. I cherish these moments as I put myself in his place and know this isn’t him when he is mean, hides things, breaks things, throws things. I feel he has to be so frustrated he can’t remember or do things anymore. If your husband loves you and his mother he will bring in caregivers to help take care of her.

Please, please be extremely careful x
i care for my father alone at home, he is 95 years and I am 60 years and extremely tired and burnt out most of the time. You will be pulled in to care for your MIL and your husband too with his declining heart condition. I thought innocently, and before I found this wonderful site (with all our friends advice), that it would be ok and we would manage together. Until you do it full time, I don’t think anybody realises the enormous, lonely task it can be. Frightening at times when they become ill and require emergency admission, plus all the things you have to do outside the home, stops because you are committed. So please, please my advice to you as caring and considerate as you are and your caring husband is please say no. Say no gently with suggestions of what would be better and AL is the answer and all your friends here on this site advising you too, we cannot all be wrong. Please remember as much as your husband loves his mum, his mum understands exactly what she is doing. Please stay where you are and say to your husband, maybe he goes and stays with her for a couple of days or weeks to assess her needs, then he will come running home to you knowing you are right…..take care and please remember it is ok to say no…..look after your health too, please xx

Answer is no
if she’s abusive now it can only get worse
you will regret it
it’s pressure enough to look after an elderly person without complications if abusive behaviour

Why - as humans - do we think we are the ONLY people who can do something? Most likely because we want to feel needed and special.

Caregiving will NOT make him feel special. At BEST he will spend some time with his mom and start to see all of the gaps. At worst - it can ruin relationships - his with her, his with you, etc.

She likely doesn't need to live alone at this stage. But she does NOT need to live with you and have your husband be her dedicated caregiver.

Because here is what will happen. He will QUICKLY find that he is not the only person who can care for her - because he can't do it alone for any extended length of time - he will need help. And guess who he is going to zero in on for that help? His beloved spouse because of course you want to take care of his mother as much as he does right?

MIL needs help with showering - is HE going to be comfortable doing that? Is SHE going to let him?

Here is what you have to remember - while he may be her "child" - as we age and our world shrinks - we become more self-focused naturally. If you throw in dementia - the person is going to become more childlike and need someone to be "in charge" rather than running themselves ragged taking care of them. She is going to try to be his parent - when she is struggling with adult behaviors herself. She will demand that he do something simply because "I said so, I'm your mother, you will do as I say".

He needs to consider what she NEEDS at this stage, not what she WANTS.

If she’s going to be moving anyway, why can’t she move to your current state?
DO NOT upend your lives!

"My Husband is considering..
*Consideration* is an excellant idea. Encourage him to deeply consider, talk to others, use his memory for past history, open his eyes to current behaviour.

"My husband is thinking he may be the only person who can care for her".

He is free to THINK this.

BUT IT IS NOT TRUE.

AL is a must for her. You two cannot do this! It will destroy your health! Move her to an AL near where you live now - I wouldn't leave my family to go to her. I truly hope the best for you all. I have two Sons who I have already told that when my time comes - don't give it a second thought - just find me a nice AL place and that's it! Mom's orders!

Tell your husband plainly that you refuse to live in the same house with his mother. That's it. Either he respects and considers alternatives to this arrangement or you will file for divorce.

I think if you explain to him in these plain terms, he will realize very quickly that he's not the only person who can take care of his mother.

Why on earth do such people resist assisted living? What is your husband thinking? A major shift in thinking is required here. Your MIL’s the one with the problem (aging decline) and everyone else is supposed to hop around so she can do what she wants?

No way. Your husband’s plan is a cockamamie idea to make you and everyone including him miserable. Don’t do it unless running yourself ragged to keep this old biddy happy strikes you as a fun way to spend your life. I was visiting an assisted living place today. Residents were being entertained by a local singing group and then adjourned to the nicely decorated dining room for a choice of lunches. A man and his wife, both losing mobility, had their Yorkie with them. Tomorrow there’s an outing to a shopping center.

And not one of them is demanding their families serve them like slaves!

I saw a response on another post for stubborn parents. She accepts home health care or moves to assisted living. Period. Her other relative who MIL listens to can explain it to her. She will be mad but given a choice gladly do anything to stay home. Not sure how she pays for it after her savings run out. But I’m not leaving. There is no immediate need right now just when her current family caregiver goes on a 4-6 week vacation.
Thank you for all your ideas and encouragement.

Taking care of his mother does not mean being her full time caregiver. She acts up because she's most likely gotten her way before by doing so. Work with the POA to get her placed if she won't accept an in home caregiver. What she really needs is to know that whatever fit she throws, your husband is not going to be her caregiver because he can't. He lives too far away, isn't healthy enough, and she is too difficult. And you certainly are not going to either. You two are only going to do what is possible for you, which is be advocates by visiting when you can, helping to arrange care for her, and calling her to chat and make sure she is okay. What she WANTS no longer matters. It is now what she NEEDS.

I am 74 and no way would I pick up and leave my family for a stubborn old woman. Your husband has had one heart attack what makes him think he can care for Mom. And I would be telling him he will be doing the caring. Mom needs to be placed.

I had a MIL who chose to move to Fla from NJ. For years she hounded my husband first, to get a job and move down there. Then when he retired it was get a house near me and move down. He just ignored her. Then she got me on the phone and I told her I was not leaving my Mom, my girls and my grands. She said Mom can move down here. I said no, she has her Church and her friends, I was not moving her. My MILs response, "We all have to compromise". I had to hold my tongue but my thought was "Everyone but you".

I would be telling my husband that this isn't an option I would accept.
I would tell him simply that I do not intend to further discuss such a plan, but that he needs to understand that if he takes on the care of his mother you will sue for divorce and leave him at once.

Meanwhile see a divorce attorney for options about legal separation and division of finances. Begin by withdrawing funds to set up a PRIVATE account of your own, emergency money that you will need to get an efficiency apartment.

Please don't do it. I hope you read my post and will listen to the great advice. My parents rented a 3 bedroom and the third room is literally an apartment with it's own front door and bathroom. They said they would have someone when needed to stay in there - guess what? They told me they don't want anyone living with them. If they were in assisted living, they would have room service like a hotel and I wouldn't be serving them meals. My mother just called my husband and woke him up to have him help my Dad with his contraption on his body from the hospital yesterday. Like I said, my husband is ill and needs to rest. Are they for real?

Hiker, I suggest AL, I just don't understand as a society how it ever became ok for a senior to be taking care of there elderly senior parents.

Some here just beginning there retirement years, kids are older, settled in life , your not working enjoying your life and the bomb goes off.

We are expected to put are life, are home, are livelihood, are health on hold to care for are parents because that is what we are "expected" to do

If are parents did take care of there parents they did it in their 40s and 50s, not 60s and 70s, even 80s.

Talk to your husband that this is your time , and put mom in an AL.

These stubborn elderly parents want control, period and expect children to give up their lives and come running for stupid stuff. My advice: Don't do it. It will come a time for all of us if we live long enough will eventually have to be placed somewhere either in a facility or in the grave. Yes, premature deaths have happened to caretakers trying to take care of someone. No joke here.

Let your husband go and see to his mom, but tell him you are not selling your house and uprooting your life to go live with someone who is having a tantrum.

I had clients like these through agency work. One had a fit because I would not place a trash bag in a trashcan when it was time for me to clock out and literally screamed in my face. It was extremely dark outside and I could not see where I was stepping. I could have fallen and broke an ankle or wrist or something. I put up with this woman for at least six weeks before I left for good. One time she didn't want me there and had actually confabulated a story that she fell when she didn't. I had already left for the evening. We have to report falls here in Washington, DC even though we weren't on the shift. I went outside to make a call because she was yelling and screaming. Anyway, girlfriend decided to lock me outside in ninety-five degree weather. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I drove home and told them I was done for the day. I needed the job and didn't want to risk my certification, so I went back going against my best judgment. Another time she had her friend take her to the bank and told me to come back in an hour. The agency went along with this behavior, and basically gaslighted the aides into taking these cases. I could here people snickering in the background at the agency about what was going on. I found out later on that she had not been paying her bill and they were about to pull services. I called the agency for her. While in her cousin's presence, she managed to write a check with an amount to keep her covered. That agency needed me on the case so that they could get paid.

I don't buy into the hype that these people don't know what they are doing. I can tell the difference from someone who is really out of it from devilish behavior. This woman was just plain mean, period.

One day she upset me so badly and I told her that I knew she didn't like me. I handed her the phone and told her that she could call and cancel me anytime. I had been doing my job in spite of all the hassles from her. I would fix two meals, do laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom, wash dishes and etc. She would of course find fault with things I did, but lacked the coordination and strength to do them herself. She should have been placed like yesterday. She was an unsafe discharge.

I don't know what person came up with this aging in place nonsense. However, I think I can find better things to do with my time than to spend it being accused of stealing, being threatened with phone calls to the police, being verbally and physically (restrained) yes this happened, and being criticized and run ragged by an elderly person. One elderly man threatened to kill me over some Walmart bags.

Why would the move need to be in another state?