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My MIL lives with us. I am her main caregiver and if my husband (her son) is not around we get along very well. As soon as my husband walks in the room or she hears his voice, my MIL starts to lash out at me. She always wants her son next to her and wants to hold his hand. I think my mother in law thinks my husband (her son) is her husband and I am the other women. Before my MIL husband died, she would accuse me of trying to steal her husband and also accused all of the caregivers/nurses of the same thing. My husband and I have been married for 42 years. My husband and I are starting to NOT be together when caring for his mother due to this problem. My MIL is to far gone in the disease to reason with - any suggestion?

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Do you still WANT to be her main caregiver?

If not, don't. MIL is very sick now and deserves to be in a place where professional caregivers can take care of her 24/7.

You need more support from your husband in order to get the best situation not only for mom, but for you.
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So sorry that your MIL thinks your husband is her husband.

It’s going to have to be up to you and your husband if you want to or are able to keep putting your own marriage aside , or come up with a different solution . Either hiring a caregiver to come into the house so you and your husband get couples time . Or if the problem is so severe that you think she needs to not live in your home any longer and go to memory care. I wish you luck .
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Have you tried distracting her with this happens by giving her a baby doll or a plush stuffed animal? A friend of mine did this with her mother and it worked.
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I agree, she probably thinks he is her husband especially if there is a resemblance. I think you just need to go with the flow. I do think that your husband needs to gently tell her that she should not talk to you that way. That your helping him care for you. That she has nothing to worry about. Its what it is as long as she lives with you. How does your husband feel about placing her?
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“My MIL is to far gone in the disease to reason with - any suggestion?”

You are amazingly kind to help your MIL, although she treats you terribly. I wouldn’t do it.

Be careful OP, with time she might lash out on you more and more, because she’ll get older and more and more unhappy.
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