My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

Is your husband an only child, or only son?
How did his mother feel about your marriage?
How long has she been suffering from depression and anxiety?
Is she on medication and therapy?
Did she fall before or after your wedding?
What's your relationship with her like? Good, bad, indifferent?
And what's her relationship with her son like?

Not that you have to answer these questions here. Just think about them.

You stated that you're worried about this either way. Obviously there's a reason for that. I'm sure that if your MIL was a joy and delight to be around, and wanted to be as gracious and independent as possible while living under your roof, you wouldn't hesitate to accommodate her.

The reason I say that is because my MIL, God rest her soul, was a beautiful person through and through. I've said here before that I would have crawled on my hands and knees over broken glass to take care of her, even though I had my own mother to take care of, too.

If you can't say the same about your MIL, I suggest that you make alternate arrangements.

We live in Europe but MIL lived in Illinois. She had a horrible fall one winter and laid out in the yard at her house in the country for over 3 hours before someone found her. We decided we needed to go ahead and buy a house in town which we would use as our retirement house and then moved her into it.

The town only has 1600 people so the town didnt have a lot of options. We did find one that we could make handicapped accessible so we bought it and moved her in. Our son and DIL moved in to help take care of her and then we were back in the US for about 3 months each year.

I won't go into the problems, you can search my past posts if you want to see them but they were pretty major. For me though, I was determined to put up with it. My husband took in my 3 boys when we got married and did a wonderful job of raising them, so I never thought about saying no. And actually it was my idea to try to find a house that would work.

Our solution was to build on to our house. Our house had 2 acres of land so we had the room. We had her social worker talk to our builder to build an apartment that would have everything she needed. It has a living room, kitchenette (she had been eating frozen meals for every meal for a very long time), a bedroom and a huge bathroom. The shower was so large it had 2 shower heads. It was the type that she could just roll her wheelchair or walker in and take a shower. The 2 shower heads had one that was normal and one that came down off the wall that was used by the aides when she needed to be cleaned up.

The apartment cost $95,000 (and she paid to have it built after the sale of her house in the country) to build and was small, about 950 sf. She got to pick paint colors, flooring (well, not all, she wanted carpet in the bathroom and we told her absolutely NOT) cabinets for kitchen and bathrooms ... she was so happy to have her own choices. Her husband ruled the roost when she was alive and she never got to chose anything. Would we do it again? Absolutely and sooner than we did that time. It was attached to our house, to our family room but that door had a lock. MIL wasn't very mobile so we put a chime on the door so if she opened it we could here it in any room of the house and she didnt need to come find us.

And extra benefit is as we get older, we can move into this part of the house. She has been in a nursing home for 1 1/2 years but all of her things are still there. We get her for the holidays or just for visits when we are home and she loves to go back in and just sit, watch tv and read her paper. I have had 3 spinal fusions and will have 9 vertebrae fused on July 13th. Our master bedroom is on the 2nd floor and I cant do steps so we will be using it for my recovery.

Another great benefit is resale value. Again, we live in a small town but we've had so many people tell us they want to be the first person called if we decide to sell as it would be a great place for them to take care of their parents.

As I said, we had problems. Almost all were related to hygiene issues. Even though I was appalled at her habits, I would have still felt that moving in with us was the best thing for my husband's mother. But this worked great. We had aides in twice a day to clean her up. We would knock on her door and ask permission to bring her meals. She was close, but we still had our own life.

You say she is 74 so I'm guessing you guys are not a young married couple in your 20's. My mom is 78 and I will be 58 later this year. I have no idea of your financial situation, but I have not regretted our choice at all. We had the peace of mind knowing she was close, but we had separation. And my husband has told me over and over thank you for letting him take care of his mom. I told him no worries, now he can move my mom into it down the road if needed.

Sounds like you've gotten a great deal of excellent advice! For the sake of your marriage, just say NO. If she can't live alone, find her appropriate housing.

Dont do it‼️

I did this to my wife twice, two tries. To her credit, she didn’t allow my spineless treatment of my mother’s narcissism to put her down. She fought back! My eyes were opened finally and now my mother is in AL, safe from the Virus and receiving 24 hour care she needs now.

When it finally happened and I stood my ground, we had a hard week. Lot’s of fighting, finger pointing at my wife (YOU did this to me!), tears and blunt force emotional black mail (I”M your mother how can you put me in that place!). Save yourself all this and just say no! Listen to the wisdom of a fool, don’t let it happen.

Looking all the answers above, I wonder as human beings how selfish we have become. If we have an ounce of compassion in our heart, we must try todo all we can to make our parents comfortable. I know it will make us sacrifice some part of our life but we all will be there like them some day. What we feel and do today will come back to us in multiple fold in the future.
This is the universal law of nature.

Totally agree with the advice given here. We had my mother live with us when we were only married two years and she'd quit her job to follow us to another city. It was a horrible experience, and dragged on while she "looked" for a job until I called my aunt crying and she later called my mother and told her to get her own place.
Fast forward to today, and my mother is 93 and lives in her own apartment with my help each week since she hasn't driven in over 30 years. I can keep my boundaries in place and still make sure she's safe and healthy.
Research the senior living options in your area and suggest that she find a place there or in an apartment where she can get around easily. Have a serious discussion with your husband and find a common ground that you both agree upon and won't waiver from. If he has any doubt about what you are saying, show him these posts. Let him think about it.
Having an older family member live with you will be a strain on you and your husband, and the family you hope to build. Set these boundaries now and live your lives.
I wish you and others facing these issues the best.

You can delay starting a family.

Please don’t do it. My parent moved in with us. There are no other options due to their finances/ don’t medically qualify for nursing home- but a handful and can’t live alone. If there was any way to get out of this, I would. Parent has sucked the life out of me mentally and physically. I feel like MY life is over because as far as enjoying my kids, my home, my spouse, etc it is. - no privacy! Their own suite does not help!!!!! And that isn’t enough- they want to be the center of attention- and just wait until they do get sick! It is hell. At 50 years old I know there will never be another vacation for me, another dinner with just my spouse and kids. Kids hate it, spouse hates it, I hate it, and parent hates it too, but is unable to make good decisions to sustain life- won’t eat properly, stay hydrated, or follow simple instructions without being directed like a 2 year old- plus old people flat out get selfish. My parent is jealous of any attention my kids get!! Ridiculous!!!!! And this is MY parent. You are talking about an in-law! Do you want her there when you bring a baby home? Sticking her nose in your parenting? If you married a mama’s boy, I am sorry. I sure hope he discussed this with you before marriage! If he did, you should have said no or not married him. If he didn’t, tell him you did not marry her! He needs to grow a pair and put his wife first. Make your plans for if your hubby chooses mom over you. Brace yourself for the worst. You do not want to have children with him until you settle this. I can’t even describe the entrapment you could feel. Don’t put it off on a sibling! Help her find options for in home help or get her to assisted living. He should get a handle on her finances too. My parent blew through all their money before we figured it out now there is nothing to pay for care outside ss. She is draining us financially in smaller bites with incidentals.
Even if he has cared for her 7 days a week for months on end, he should not expect his bride to do so even if there were no kids! Nor should expect you to live with her if she was perfectly healthy or any of the hundred degrees in between.!!!!
It sounds selfish, but I guarantee you do NOT want to do this. Imagine right at this moment she is sitting with you NOW right there. Ok, good. Now imagine it is forever- or at least until every minute of your prime young healthy life is GONE- middle age and early retirement too. Good bye life!!!!! By the time you get your house back you will have missed your children’s lives and a lot of your own. You will be old, bitter, and very very tired.
Take a bigger step- vow to never do
this to YOUR children- buy long term
care Insurance!!!!!
I pray she has some money, long term
care Insurance and some options. If she is going to be out in the street then you probably have to do it like I have, but make hubby do 100% of care taking, management, doctor visits, etc, Do everything you can to not Let her suck the life out of you. I feel so sorry for you. At least my children were a lot older before this happened to me- almost out of school, but that precious time with my kids is gone!!! Another thing- she does NOT move in unless you control her finances and she pays her fair share! No keeping a house she refuses to sell for sentimental reasons so it can rot tomthe ground or paying to store her crap! - don’t let her spend HER money like that then you give up your home! No way!!!! She pays for her own
way and do not buy a house with her!!! Do not mix her finances with yours! And she gets a will and DPOA and POA, etc etc with your hubby in charge!
God help you if you have to do this.

Just say no. Then say no some more. 74 is still fairly young. She should be in her own place. If husband can't tolerate that then he can go live with her and the two of you can divorce. Then you can find a man who is sane. MIL living with you is a terrible idea. If she is in her own apt she can make her own friends her own age, perhaps a gentleman friend. My answer is NO.

Before the ‘no’, it would be helpful to talk to DH about exactly what interaction he expects you and himself to have with MIL living in ‘her own suite’. Just putting her the other side of a suite connecting door will achieve nothing more than her living somewhere else that you can visit – unless there is a lot of input from one or both of you. Where will she spend evenings? Who cooks, and even if that's shared, do you have dinner together every night? Who will look after her health needs? Who will provide her with company to overcome her ‘depression and anxiety’? How much time a day and a weekend will this take from each of you?

DH will have a better look at the details, and consider what he is willing to do. He may say ‘no’ himself. You will see what he expects you to do. Saying ‘no, I’m not willing for all that to happen’ is more palatable than just saying ‘no’, with the implication that you don't like her. Men are often quite vague about what is involved. They also assume that wives will pick up most of the obligations, and they skate over personal friction. In addition, this is not just about relationships: your money will be tied up in a house which is bigger than you need. If MIL contributes to the price of the house and you want to end the arrangements, the joint finances will be awful to untangle.

Having a difference of opinion about it now may not go down well, but the problem will not go away. Your marriage will suffer much more if it all goes wrong and you have to fight about it later. If you do say yes, it's good advice to post-pone having children until you are sure that it will work long term. It's better advice to say no.

It's probably a really bad idea. My mother is suffering from dementia and I'd rather have her in an assisted care facility then trying to move her into my home and take care of her myself. And, I'm a licensed nurse! Even though my gracious husband of 41 years has told me this would be alright with him but I'm not prepared to be a 24/7 care giver. I just recently retired myself and taking care of my mother was not a part of the plans. I have no issues with assisting with her errands, physician visits, medication runs, paying her bills and other miscellaneous tasks. I love her very much but emotionally I don't think I can handle the stress. In addition, you can forget about asking other family members for help once she's moved in with you.

No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, Nope, No, No, No, No, No, No, Nope, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, Nope, Nope, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, Nope, Nope, Hella No.

I going to vote with the "No" group. My situation wasn't the horror story of others on here but, with hindsight, I realize what a sacrifice it was for our family. I can't imagine providing her level of care while having a baby or young children. I would have been spread too thin to be a good mom and that's the first priority.

We cared for my in-laws in their home for 10 years (mostly me because I was a SAHM). MIL lived with us for 2.5 years before her death. She had an apartment in the basement and wasn't able to get up the stairs. That made it tolerable - I can't imagine if she were in our space all the time.

One thing to think about is how much of her care might fall to you. My MIL was of the generation that it is "women's work" to do ALL of the caregiving. I didn't mind helping her in the bathroom for her dignity. What I did mind was her thinking that her son couldn't/shouldn't do all of the other stuff that she needed (bandaging her legs each morning, washing her hair, water her plants, laundry, emptying her trash, cleaning her poop out of the carpet when she couldn't make it to the bathroom quickly enough, figuring out what button she pushed on the remote to mess up the TV, making her food, etc).

I can't tell you how many times my husband would be with his mom already and she would wait until I arrived to ask for something. It caused tension between my MIL and myself as well as between hubby and me.

Being in our house also impacted our three teenage kids - for good and bad. They had the unconditional love of grandmother all the time. They got to hear stories of her life and share their lives with her. My oldest loves the pic of him in his tux for prom and Grandma in her housecoat. The kids got to see our philosophy that "family takes care of family" in action.

They also lost out on having her basement space as a place for them to hang out with their friends. I didn't realize how much that made a difference for them until she passed and we didn't have that issue anymore. The kids are much happier now that their friends want to come over and I like having them around more.

If you decide to let MIL move in with you, make sure you have very firm boundaries in mind about what you are willing to do and what you won't do. That was a mistake I made. Be aware that their needs are small at first but will grow and grow with time passing.

You also need to ask you hubby pointed questions about the care he envisions giving his mom. Is your hubby willing to cut his mom's toenails? Help her in the shower? Use up his time off from work to take her to multiple doctor's appointments? Who is going to stay with her in the emergency room at 2 a.m. when you both have to go to work the next morning? Who is going to put the ointment on the bedsore on her butt that she can't reach herself? These are real situations that are going to come up when caring for someone else. It's not all like the commercials on TV!

Although I am putting out a "no" vote, I will also say that, overall, I don't regret having my MIL with us. I am proud of the care we were able to give her and appreciate the time that we (especially my kids) had with her.

My parents moved in with us. Dad died. We're empty nesters, adult kids live near by. My husband is a saint so this has not been a negative for our marriage.


But it has taken a huge toll on my relationship with my mom. She doesn't take care of herself well or want to. She thinks somehow it (her myriad of issues) will miraculously get better tomorrow, with zero effort on her part. Hmmm, not likely.

Anyhow, I suggest NOOOOOOOOO.

Raising your future children with someone else living in your house? Tough stuff. You have no idea how long she will live (10, 20, more?). Is your husband planning on doing any care she needs or is he expecting you to do it?

If I were a young wife, I would NOT want my MIL or anyone living with us.

You guys will be much happier if you help your MIL from separate abodes. And even then, find ways to make her as independent as possible. I took on way too much for my mom and it was a HUGE mistake. She could have done so much more if I'd set some BOUNDARIES. I'm making up for lost time and now am putting myself first. Duh. Someone told me I was enabling her and I was shocked but sadly they were right. Live and learn.

No, just no! The real question is, WHY would she want to move in with a newlywed couple? I personally would not want to move in with one of my newly wed children and their spouse. (28yr old married son and a 24 yr old son in a long term relationship) I LOVE my DIL's but there is no way I would EVER impose upon them. It is extremely selfish of her to think this would be ok..especially to a newlywed couple.

My husband is an only child raised by his mom and grandmother. She has always been super passive aggressive to me and is a covert narcissist. We got engaged and he moved in with me in order to save for a downpayment on a home. He had his own home that we where going to rent out that would give us an extra $500 per month to go towards a downpayment. MIL immediately decided she wanted to rent the home....I was livid! We had to move her for months, install a central AC unit, move her roommate and brother into the rental as well. It literally has been a shit show for 10+ years. My husband thankfully is getting out of the FOG.

His mom is 74 years old, has not worked because of a slip and fall con she started at 52 years old. She gave zero F's about how she would impact us financially or our marriage. Even though she could not stand me she constantly was asking us to do her favors, paying rent late, being super emotionally manipulative. Guilting my husband into giving her things. FYI she makes enough on her disability, ssi and settlement stipends to get by perfectly fine over $6K per month AFTER taxes. It has been especially an absolute nightmare these last 3 years with all her health issues, guilt trips, hoarding, in fighting with her brother/roommate. We finally had to contact DMV to get her license taken (two accidents in 1 year and totaling the rentals garage door) She could no longer be left alone, she would make herself sick to get attention and I refused to participate in her shenanigans.

If you don't know your MIL very well or you don't particularly like her...DONT DO IT! P.S. Sorry for the long post :/

No, No, NO

Oh, hon. If you’re worrying about your marriage suffering if you say “No”... your marriage will suffer 10x more if you say yes!!

Listen to the advice here. Don’t do it!!

Who will care for her when she needs full time care, or even a bit more care than she requires now?
Are you working? Are you prepared to either quit working or work then come home and care for MIL? And eventually quit working when she needs more care?
Are you prepared to care for babies and MIL? Both needing your attention.
Is he prepared to and is she able to pay for full time caregivers if and when she needs them?
If she needs full time care and you can not provide it (and he is "to busy", "to tired after work" or whatever excuse he gives) is he willing to place her in Memory Care or other facility that will provide full time care?

Will your marriage suffer? I don't have a working crystal ball but my guess is yes.
I strongly suggest that you do not start a family until this is sorted out.
Even with an In-Law Suite this can be difficult. IF she needs more care and looking after even with an In-Law Suite she may not be able to be alone.

Will your marriage suffer if you say no...again crystal ball is broken but your thoughts and opinions matter just as much as his. What would he say if it was you asking if one of your parents needed to move in with you? If he does not take into consideration what your opinion is on this you may have a rocky road in front of you.

What would she do if she does not move in with you?
Is Assisted Living a possibility? Or is she independent enough for Independent Living with the possibility of transitioning to AL and if necessary Memory Care?

Has she talked to her doctor about increased depression and anxiety? If not it might be a good idea to bring it up. It is possible that with proper medication and maybe talking to someone she might do better.

OMgosh--no. no. no. no. no.

How wonderful of your new husband to want to bring HIS mom into YOUR home and thereby look the devoted son and almost w/o question, she will come between you, somehow, and probably not intend to do so.

My mom moved in with my YB and his family 22 years ago. 22 years. And altho she is now 90, she could easily live to 100.

My SIL is the sweetest, kindest person alive...yet she does not speak to my mother and will leave a room if mother enters it. She has severe anxiety and depression and I know this is due in part to the fact mother has taken a huge chunk of their marriage for her care.

YB does not benefit from this arrangement, other than mother pays the cable bill. When she dies, YB inherits the same amount as the other 4 of us. Less than $10K.

At 74 she can easily live another two decades. I personally would not stay in these circumstances. I know my limitations very well. This for me would be a deal breaker. It is too bad you didn't know this before marriage, but I guess you can't cover "everything".

Pros: none
Cons: everything

Beware of Mommy's Boys. There a reason Norman Bates was single.

He married you, not his mother. Your home can have only one queen. If he insists, I suggest you really give some thought to the state of your marriage, before you consider having any children with him.

I think when you are starting your life with someone the last thing you need is the burden, (yes, I said burden) of a needy individual in your life. I'm all about being kind and charitable but..........I think giving your relationship top billing is important especially when it's new.

But if you are seriously considering having your M I L move in then you have to examine your heart and ask yourself some tough questions. First off do you love your M I L or at the very least like her and can tolerate her? Is your husband considering your feelings on this? Or is he just telling you and not asking you? If your marriage suffers if you say no that is a telling statement about your relationship cause it means your husband just wants what he wants without considering your feelings. I think you need to consider also that her health needs will increase as she gets older and then you may find yourself in a caregiver role. If you are considering starting a family then your time and attention should be to them, not your M I L.

Have a long, serious discussion with your husband about this before you do anything and make sure you are honest with him.

Well, I guess I'm in the minority here. My mom moved into our house 21 years ago (we have been married nearly 26 years). We had actually bought our 2-family home with the intention of her moving in once she retired. And I can say that, if we had had to, I could have happily lived with my MIL, who was one of the most wonderful women I ever had the pleasure of knowing.

BUT - the fact that you are hesitating shows that it's probably not the best idea. When one spouse says to the other "hey, what do you think about (so and so relative) moving in with us" if the IMMEDIATE response isn't "sure, that sounds good" then some SERIOUS discussions need to occur before it happens.

You and hubby need to have some heart to heart conversations about what life might look like if you have MIL move in. Is she needy? My mom (until about a year ago) wasn't. What sort of relationship do you have with her? What sort of relationship does hubby have with her? A lot of your answer is going to be dependent on your relationship with her. Is she the kind of MIL that is supportive or divisive? If/when she needs care, who is going to be expected to do the caregiving?

Your hesitation strikes me that you don't really want her living with you - and that's OK. It doesn't make you a bad wife/DIL. It's perfectly ok to want some time alone with your spouse to enjoy those first few years of marriage, without outside distractions.

Is buying a house something you're on the verge of doing? And if so, is your hubby talking about moving MIL in right away, or down the road when she's older? Is he figuring that having her there might make child care easier (built-in babysitter)?

Your voice matters in this. You can have a conversation with him that isn't accusatory. Ask him how he envisions this living situation once she moves in. If you think he's seeing the arrangement through rose-colored glasses, you do yourself and him a disservice if you don't point it out. It doesn't have to be confrontational.

Good luck...

Well, let's see. My father insisted HIS mother-in-law move in with us after he & my mother bought their first house back in 1956. Grandma was young; in her late 50's probably, a widow, and an old Italian who believed it was customary for the parents to live with the children, which is what my old Italian father believed as well. My mother was against it, but since it was a 3 bedroom home, she agreed, albeit reluctantly.

My mother & her mother spent the next 25 years fighting like cats & dogs. I was adopted into the crazy house in 1957 and spent my childhood with a bad stomach ache thanks to all the histrionics going on in the house. Dad worked late hours at the deli, probably to get away from all the insanity.

Nobody prospered from MIL living in our house. The marriage suffered, my childhood was ruined, my mother was anxiety ridden to the point she needed to be in a psychiatric hospital, honestly. I kept a journal of her insane antics so when the men in the white coats came to take her away, they'd know what she'd been up to.

Will your marriage suffer if you say yes? More than likely. You will give up your privacy to have a relatively young, anxiety ridden and dependent woman move in on you. She can live to be in her late 90s, don't think otherwise. My grandmother lived to 91. My mother is still alive at 93-1/2 in spite of having 10 different health issues, moderate dementia and being wheelchair bound. She lives in Memory Care b/c there ain't NO WAY I'm repeating history by having her live with me and my husband. It's bad enough she wreaked havoc on our new marriage since she moved here in 2011. As an only child, I am obligated to do EVERYTHING for her including finances, purchases, arranging doctor visits, dentists, and on and on and ON. Hospitals, rehabs, neurologists, physical therapists......the list is endless. The only thing that saves my sanity is that she's not physically located inside our home. That would be the final straw and I'd have to shoot myself.

Will your marriage suffer if you say no? Maybe. But it will likely suffer a whole lot LESS if you put your foot down NOW than it will if you don't, and if you have to live with the consequences of taking in a 74 year old dependent at the start of your new life. There are tons of other alternatives for the woman; look around at independent living apartments for her and offer to do everything humanly possible to get her set up in one and on her own two feet.

THAT is the biggest favor you can do for her. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and feed him for life. Your MIL has plenty of life left in her. She does not need to be dependent upon ANYONE but herself. Allow her to be.

Good luck!

I moved my MIL into our home when my FIL passed away. She has Alzheimers/Dementia and has only been here for 4 months. It has been a disaster. We always had a wonderful relationship until this point. Now it is horrible. I am starting to resent the way she treats me, which in a word is like "&%$#". I am her caregiver all day/every day until my husband comes home from work. And we have been married for 25 years. And if you ever move her in, it will be so much harder to move her out even when the time comes for more help with her than you can give. I assume that you work or that both of you work so who is going to stay with her during the day? Trust me you will give up your whole life if you are to move her in. You will become depressed, angry, full of anxiety, its just not worth it. She will be much better off in an assisted living where you can be her daughter-in-law as opposed to sole caregiver.

Ohmygosh....no. No. NO!!!

You will live to regret it if you do it.

Your marriage will suffer if you do it, probably more than if you don't.

Why does your H want to do this? Are there siblings of your H?

No,  He needs to understand her financing and look for senior housing or whatever is appropriate.  She needs a place where she can meet people her own age and get assistance as needed.  Explain to hubby that in the long run EVERYONE  will be happier with this.

Moving MIL in same home as a young married couple is a situation with nothing but CONS, imo. Just take a look at the questions/discussions under the topic "Multi-generational living" on this site and you will see 100's of responses that, in a nutshell state: "Don't Do It". These arrangements are disastrous to long standing marriages, with adult children out of the house, separate areas for in-laws, etc. never mind a new marriage, starting out, plans to have children. You and your husband need to start out alone, making plans for the both of you with someday to include children. Don't do it.