My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

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My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

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My husband and I just got married less than a year ago. We are talking about buying our first house, starting a family, and all the exciting steps of a newly married couple. His mother is 74, divorced, and is suffering from depression and anxiety that has gotten much worse during COVID-19. She had a horrible fall last year that cause a traumatic leg injury, but thankfully she is still pretty mobile, but is starting to forget some things. He's asked that we look for homes large enough where she could have a MIL suite or her own live-in area. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say yes. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say no. Any advice???

Family Caregiver Marriage Multi-generational Living

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This Q is from June 2020. Wonder if MIL did move in & if they are still married??

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I would only do it if a) the space was completely separate and b) she has funds to hire outside help, with the understanding that when those funds are gone, she will go to a more appropriate placement.

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My husband have been married for 37 years and are waiting to move into a bungelow after selling our beautiful home. The intention was to downsize as we near retirement. Well it has come to my attention that he is planning on moving his mother in with us when she isn't able to look after herself. I have been having sleepless nights and feeling very stressed so decided to confront him about it last night. Omg he was so angry with me and stormed out. When he came back I tried to discuss it with him and tell him the reasons why it won't work and his face was so full of hatred and he said he was going out before he hurt me. I can't believe he just expected me to be ok with this. Me and my mother-in-law have never really got on and I feel like this has been planned behind my back. We've only got a couple of weeks before we move house.

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Alexander, this is an old thread with lots of answers, all specific to OP’s personal circumstances. It would be a good idea if you posted your situation as a new question, so that we can all start again fresh and focus on what you tell us about yourself, your husband and your MIL. Could you do that, please? You deserve answers meant for you!

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I'm stressing over this topic right now everyone. We have been married for 25 years and my MIL has tried to live with us twice before- epic fails. She was demanding, lazy, critical, and above all - not nice to her grandchildren. She has now had two strokes and lives in another state. She metally stresses her son, my husband every day with phone calls that she cannot afford her senior living and wants to live with us. My husband says he will become her caregiver and move her in. I do not want her in our house. I will lose privacy, sanity, and will ultimately become her caregiver as well. I know if sounds selfish, but that is not the life I want to live. I told him to find her a facility nearby and get her in our state. He says she cannot afford it. This is causing a huge friction in our marriage and we fight daily. I'm ready to throw in the towel and just have him live with his mom, I can leave. He is an only child, I understand the stress he is under, but I also do not want the life of a caregiver for anyone, especially someone who we have tried to live with before and it was a complete failure.

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She can apply for Medicaid but it will mean a LTC facility. Unless ur State covers ALs. Then, its if she needs to establish residency in your State. Before you make the decision check out what resources will be available for her in your State.

Tell ur husband you see he is between a rock and a hard place but her living with you has been tried and didn't work. His first responsibility is to you and his kids, which she has made life miserable for when she lives with you. Explain that you will not care for her. That means aides if he works. You will not bathe or toilet her. You will not cater to her. He will need to set boundries and remember its your house not hers.

I find that's its hard for men to understand that two adult women cannot live together especially when the home belongs to one of the women.

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This post is from June. I skimmed a little and could not find where the OP ever responded. Hopefully in 4 months she has made a decision.

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It depends on the situation and the person.
If the marriage is new, it's better for the couple to have their own space, to build a strong relationship. After some years, they can decide about moving someone in.
It's also depends on the kind of person. Nice or mean. Don't bring a mean person, just a nice one.

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Honoring your mother in law could be a blessing. How many moms gave up their freedom when having their children? How many moms sacrificed dreams, goals, or careers when having a baby? A double unit home could be a way to have your husband and mother in law. We've been married 14 years and my mom(82 yrs old) is very weak from Covid recovery and has dementia and Alzheimer's. I'm very blessed that my husband supports the need to have my mom live with us.

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Mothers don't give up freedom to have children, they have for a considerable time had a choice. They chose to have children, and the 'sacrifice' was their choice as well. It's great that things are working out well for you, but please don't push the line that children have an obligation to provide hands on care for parents. They don't.

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It seems there are some families who have multigenerational families under one roof. I know a family who is taking care of the FIL in their home. Maybe it depends on the situations. I agree with 41, it would be sad to live alone and be lonesome. But then there are facilities that are assisted living.. I guess, sometimes it works, and a lot of times it doesn't. And you don't want to burn bridges. But you have options. Look at all of the options and the pros and cons of each. I never thought of having a parent living across the street would be bad. I almost did that..Kinda agree, it may not have been a good idea..

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Reading older books, it’s interesting to see the circumstances where multi-generational families lived together. One common one was where the parent owned the house and land, and the younger family had to toe the line without the option. DIL often had a bad time with a dominating MIL, but there was no alternative. In some places, Son did not marry until Father had died and he was boss. Another situation was where grandma had absolutely nowhere to go, and she too had to toe the line without the option. ‘Fairies’ who cleaned up and banked up the fire were actually grandma who couldn’t sleep - grandma often had a 'cupboard bed' in the kitchen. Richer families had a Dower House for MIL, or servants who bore the brunt of bad temper. And of course if the old man was too difficult and took to wandering, people busy with their own work didn’t always chase him quickly enough to avoid the accident.

The other factors were that old people died sooner, particularly with no heart drugs, that illnesses were less curable, and that this all happened in cultures where the expectations had been set in concrete over very long periods of time. Our generation’s expectations, financial independence, and the medical and care options, have all changed. Now it probably takes a very special combination of personalities for it all to work.

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A friend's Mother, a recent widow, after a significant birthday, told her son & DIL "I am old now so I will come & live with you. You can look after me. DIL will learn to cook the (cultural) food I like. If I get lonely DIL can work less days & stay home more. On the weekends you can cook for your brother & family to come visit us".

No, not disabled. But dependant, depressed, anxious, entitled & miserable. Unable or unwilling to change her thinking.

Her son & DIL chose to be a part of her life, as cheery visitors & advocates, but not let her move in. Not let her life become their whole existance. They could see her misery was internal - went wherever she went.

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Beatty; so wisely said. Unhappy people carry their unhappiness with them and spread it wherever they go.

(8)

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LOL, just want to add my voice to the "NO!" chorus you've already received. Hopefully the wonderful and wise people on this forum have convinced you to sing that word to your husband! :)

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" His mother is 74, divorced, and is suffering from depression and anxiety"

These are treatable conditions. She is not disabled.

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absolutely. I am a writer on quora and people sent me responses to my question about the 50's. They had the old fashioned landline on the first floor and had the parents upstairs attic space who had their own independent black rotary phone. After what i experienced at jersey shore medical (not good, and I'm only 68; and moving back to pa....) I highly recommend they stay with you. The hospital here said "we don't treat seniors; only young newly delivered moms" i knew this was no place to grow old and on my own. My kids are in pa so i'll find something there, small, so that they can go with me to the hospital and intervene for me. This is genocide to refuse treatment to seniors; particularly women of my generation who all worked since they were 13....I'm sure his mom did too.

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He wants his mom near. If you lay down some groundwork, like you won't be responsible for her care, etc, then it may work out.

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Have you asked your husband why he wants her to move in with both of you? You need to make him realize that YOU will end up being the full time nanny for her, is that what he wants? Does he want to split the work load that will eventually happen? And for sure you are not going to feel like starting a family that most likely you will be the one to handle the baby 90% of the time, plus her. Is there a reason that she can't be in her own apartment maybe driving distance from your place? Your marriage will suffer for YOU, maybe not for him because he won't see what the problem is, because it will all fall on you. Then he might start feeling rejected by you because you will be burnt out from handling your own life with him and her. It may not happen at first, but it will happen....You will feel like you need to entertain her, cater to her, etc., then what? Personally, I would sit down and discuss all the things that can go wrong and ask if it is worth straining the marriage and possibly worse. IF you were to divorce, then what......will he kick you out of the house and he live with his mother, or will you both go your own way and then he might put her in a nursing place (which could be done to begin with)......you have to look at what the future might hold. I pray that you find guidance and wish you luck.

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No, don't do it. I was living in my camper travelling with my husband for a few years, and felt "guilty" about my parents ailing health. I settled in Florida (where I never wanted to be, but did because my husband's parents live here too) and then moved my parents from Alabama to Florida and moved them into a split living house with us. That was 9 months ago. I KNEW the day I picked them up and was driving down here that this was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. And 9 months later, it is. I told them in February that I thought they needed their own place. They began looking. Then Covid. 5 more month with them and we JUST moved them into an independent/assisted living place this week. YES, it affected my marriage. Worse yet, it affected me....my life. I was living their lives, not my own. I was sad, depressed, anxious. I felt like every day I was just there to serve them, to do things for them, to help them. I was tech support, chef, appointment setter, medication manager, shower giver, housekeeper etc. And the kicker is that I have always had a wonderful relationship with my parents...and I'm a nurse of 23 years currently working in hospice. I thought I could be a caregiver..."I'm a nurse, I can do it". It is the hardest job in the world....MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. I realized that this could go on for years...like even decades. People are living longer and longer. My parents are both showing signs of dementia...which will only get worse and put more strain on the caregivers both physically and emotionally. Since they had retirement income, I decided that to save my marriage and our mental health, they needed their own place. We moved them out 4 days ago. I'm still adjusting to that but I truly believe that most couples will not survive living with parents/in laws. You choose you partner, not your parents. Yes I love and will care for my parents however I can but at the end of the day I will also be able to now live my own life how I choose. And I now tell everyone "Don't ever move your parents in with you". You may think you have thought about everything, covered all the bases...but you will find that there is just a "feeling" having to share your space with someone else. And there are a lot of bodily noises that you really don't want to hear every day....and it is very sad to watch someone you love decline...that will affect you every single day that you have to spend living with it.

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carolrn6, that's a great response you have given and really sums it up. I had an exceptionally wonderful relationship with my parents until they moved three houses down from me after they retired. They pulled me in to all of their problems, arguments, etc. I had to play marriage counselor, begin going to doctor's appointments (with both of them), make sure there was food in the house, dash back & forth to hospitals, SNFs, ALFs and eventually memory care for my dad. It's been a decade and mom is still only 78 (dad died last year). Sigh. It definitely overshadowed the good memories and I struggle to remember the people they (and I) once were.

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My parents were awesome growing up. When they retired, they bought a house down the street from my husband & I. That was in 2004. Having them live down the street has been the most miserable experience of my life. Mom suffers from depression and anxiety. The mood in their house was always dark/dire. Dad finally went off the rails with dementia in about 2016, had to be placed in memory care and died there last year. Mom continues to live in the house alone in this sad fog (she's been in this fog for over 10 years now). She's only 78 - her mom lived to age 96, so it appears I may be stuck for a while. My advice is: this will be worse than you can imagine, it will get worse every week/month/year, and will go on longer than you can imagine. Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.....

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NO!! Do not move her in with y’all.
NO NO NO!
Even with her being in an assisted living it will be a stressor but not a constant one.
Ya’ll have your lives ahead to finish out....she’s had hers. It’s sad.
I’m there now. Mine is in assisted living WITH two alternating day caregivers.
Mary

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Words to live by......easier to keep them go than get them out!!!!! A million times NO! Almost destroyed our family.

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make it priority, settle in with married life first.. ( I know I will be that mom who wants to move in with her kid :( being on here, it's not the best choice. )
In the meantime, FIND A PLACE FOR MOM NEAR YOU. SHE NEEDS TO BE MINUTES, DRIVING TIME - NOT FARTHER AWAY... Take tours of facility, see what they offer, activities, etc. Assisted living, nursing homes, 6 packs etc. What is the shortest lease, and all the other pertininent information needed. small steps, start here with phone calls, tours of the grounds, etc. "staying in place measures...."

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and let me add if your husband really love's you he would understand your no

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don't do it say no because if you don't your life is over and marriage as you say you just got marry fine care for her and u can go help out sometimes.

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If there are any alternatives to moving your mother in law into your home, I would take them. As a geriatric social worker, I have seen many marriages suffer from the good intentions of moving a loved one into their home. I would have your mother in law evaluated for depression, anxiety, and memory loss by a geriatric psychiatrist. She may need some medication. I also would contact your county area agency on Aging to determine eligibility for services. Some states have a program through the Y called senior shared housing. The program matches a senior with a roommate who assists with household chores and companionship. If she has private funds, I would hire a private caregiver. Should you ultimately decide to relocate her with you, it is imperative that boundaries are set in terms of preserving your relationship. If she has funds, assisted living may be an option. Proceed thoughtfully. Given her age she could be residing with you for a very long time and as time goes on will require more and more care.

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Think long and hard and if you move forward, have a blackout plan. Have MIL here 4 years, love her, been married 33 years to a helpmate and a round good guy, but am ready to run away from home. 16 months of fulltime caregiving with no end in sight...I have no life. I would not recommend for a newlywed.

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I am in the same boat! Almost 42 years married. MIL was in a horrible situation that her daughter and her brought on themselves. Daughter passed and my husband and I (with a lot reluctance) decided it would be better to have her with us. She was always a terrible mother who let her VERY abusive b**tard of a husband do anything and she turned a blind eye to it. Never apologized even after his death. She never did anything for our family but did everything for the 2 favorites (there were 4). Before the move (8/20), my stipulation was for my husband to remember that I'm number 1. It's now March '21 and what I feared has happened. Any time I reach out to try to relieve my loneliness, my husband makes an excuse "Oh, it's her dementia-she's getting worse. It won't be long. Have patience" And then tells me if I don't like it to get out. I have no one - my parents have passed and I wouldn't want to intrude on others as my not-dear MIL has.
So to the original poster -DON'T DO IT!!!!!
By the way, the only thing I have ever learned from MIL - how to be a great mother in-law. I would never inflict this on my kids and had my husband EVER done anything close to what his sperm donor did, let's just say you'd never find the body.

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I only had 1 special moment with my mother in law. She developed pneumonia and passed away before we got married. I see many statements that give MIL a bad rap and it's not fair. I would make every effort to welcome your MIL. Living alone, growing older, and feeling rejected is no way to live.

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If you never lived with MIL, it's not surprising that you can't relate to the experience of people who have. My sister's inlaws and parents died quite young (and she didn't care for our mother, she was too far away). She has no idea what she missed!

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I 100% agree that your answer needs to be no. We moved my FIL into our home 3 years ago. It was my suggestion as I knew he would die interstate on his own if we didn’t. He had no friends and no family checked on him. He is not a nice person and it has been a huge challenge from day 1. We have been married over 26 years and my husband and I have a great relationship. My husband has protected me and been the main person in any challenging interaction. Initially my FIL worked hard to create division between us but he failed. You have not been married very long so I would think it very unwise to put that sort of pressure on a new relationship. My suggestion would to locate your MIL in accommodation close to your home, say within 30mins drive so you can care for her at a distance. Also I would STRONGLY encourage you not to take on personal responsibility for her. Your husband must be the main person to interact with his mother. Firm boundaries will need to be in place. Your are only just starting your life together intending to have children in the future so you must give yourself time to build your own family.

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Not to mention the fact if your mother n law moves in, you don’t have to worry about having kids. You won’t have any kids. You’ll never have any privacy. No alone time at all.

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I agree with screennamed. Screennamed summed it up best saying one thousand NO’s!!!!

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I know someone who has taken in their MIL to their house at the moment.

It was a JOINT plan with her husband where they BOTH agreed the circumstances & outcome. BOTH are providing the care & supervision. It was AGREED it was short term (after a hospital stay). It has a purpose - to give her the best chance at returning home alone before AL or NH placement. There is a set TIME-FRAME. If going home alone is unsuitable they have a PLAN, respite care then long term care.

I very much admire this lady for keeping her heart open & providing this care, but also her eyes wide open. She is doing this from her own judgement & values, not from obligation or guilt.

THIS is the only way I would proceed - with a proper plan, as above, with clear goals, time-frames, expectations & an out stragegy.

Otherwise it is a NO.

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We moved my husband's 89 year old mom in with us about 7 months ago. She was living in an area where it was challenging to find quality home health care staff. She is very difficult to get along with and we have decided that it is taking too much of a toll on us. We are currently searching for an assisted living facility. Moving her in with you might work for you if she has her own space, but I would also advise hiring help to handle most of her daily needs so you are not burdened with caring for her. Giving up your freedom and personal time leads to resentment.

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I asked my husband last year if we could move my 95 year old mom in with us which meant giving up a bedroom and guest bathroom to her, instead of our grown children who visit throughout the year. He and I had only been married six years prior and I knew it would be a hard decision but he said yes and helps me care for her as much as I need him to. So if he would ask me to take in his mom, if she was still alive and didn't require specialized care, I would say yes to him.

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Really not the same. YOU were the primary caregiver for your mom. I really doubt any DH is going to be the primary caregiver for his mom

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There are many outstanding replies to your question, so I'll just add this. One answer below suggests considering whether you want to remain married to your husband. If you remain married, a MIL at home will only be one of your lifetime challenges. Marriage brings double the people, friends, and pets to take care of. Over a lifetime, you will bring all the supplies in Walmart in and out of your home, and help with all the needs of yours & your spouse's & children's family & friends & pets. Many women are considering whether to stay single, in spite of the benefits of a spouse. A single woman will be fulfilled in caring for her own family & friends & pets. She will have more time to volunteer, foster, donate, increase her education, travel, move to her favorite places, use her talents. You were just married, and this is the beginning. But it's something to consider if it looks like you have no choice with MIL and begin to wonder about marriage.

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Marriage has been studied and it's the men who mostly benefit from being married. That's not to say women do not benefit from being married just that they do benefit but at lower levels and reduced percentages.

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My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

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