My husband is not the man I married 40 years ago. Any advice?

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My husband is not the man I married 40 years ago. Any advice?

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My husband (67) has always been what some people refer to as scatterbrained, being late for plans or appointments, forgetting to pay bills eventhough he had plenty of money in the bank. When I first met him, I couldn't believe what a mess his house was, mostly because of too many animals. Because I was blindly in love, I paid no attention to these personality traits. But after we were married and had kids, I couldn't help but notice some of the things he did that popped up a red flag. He once left our 3 year old in the tub alone in the house while he went down the road to check on something. I was gone to my mothers. I think that was the first actual event when I realized he had a strange way of thinking. As one event after another occurred, I realized after our daughters left for college, something was seriously different. He had trouble remembering things I told him I needed at the store even if it was just 3 items. He is a pastor and the whole congregation is starting to notice his short term memory is lacking. He forgets the order of the service eventhough he has the church bulletin right in front of him, he skips verses of the hymns, and he repeats part of his sermon. He has seen a neurologist and had an MRI, and nothing showed up. He could not repeat the 3 items on the recall test, back to the doctor so she labeled him as having mild cognitive impairment. However, I don't think that's what it is. He says he has always done that when put on the spot. We get into argument daily because of his inability to comprehend what I tell him. He says he hears me but just doesn't understand the words. I often have to repeat things 4 and 5 times. So as you can imagine, I am completely exhausted, angry, hurt, disappointed and heartbroken. He is a very intelligent man and is well traveled. I suspect he had problems like I have mentioned as a child but his parents never talked about it. Ive just heard hints of his absent-mindedness. His thyroid is slightly low and the doctor is watching that and he also had some childhood trauma. Also, he has sleep apnea and is on his first week with the CPAP machine. Supposedly sleep apnea causes memory loss and confusion. He has been taking Aricept for 2 months, and I see no change at all. We are now seeing a marriage counselor but he often forgets what was said in the sessions making it impossible to do the work the counselor gives us. We do not have the money to go from doctor to doctor to doctor to find a firm answer on what's going on in his head. I feel like if you have any kind of memory problem, you are labeled as having Alzheimer's or Dementia right off the bat. I don't know exactly what is wrong with him, but I cannot go through this much longer and it's driving him crazy. He says he is terrified of losing his mind. Of course, who isn't. I welcome any comments or advice. Thanks.

Burnout Family Caregiver Signs of Dementia Spouse

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Look into Auditory Processing. It is a disability where what a person hears does not sink into memory. It is a new diagnosis for kids now a days. That does not mean that Dementia may not be a part of this. The fact that this has been going on for many years a DR should look a little closer.

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You don’t need to go “from dr to dr.” Go to one whim you trust, and let him/her know in advance what your concerns are.

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Donniejean, it sounds like you are in the *in-between*. A nurse told me once it's like changing boats mid stream - one foot in each boat, trying to balance, scared, not sure to stay where you were or go forward.

Hang in there. The current round of med tests may find something that starts to help you navigate which boat to be in - where you are (with this new version of your DH) or a whole new boat on a different sea.

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I empathize with your situation. My 80 year old hubby has developed some of the same symptoms. He has trouble with multiple concepts, for example, if I tell him to open the door and turn off the light, he will shut the door and leave the light on. My only suggestion would be to just tell him one thing at a time and give him time to process what you have said. Also, maybe he should have a CT scan to check for a brain tumor.

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Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about.
He did have an MRI ordered from the neurologist. Something strange happened about 5 years ago. He was having trouble with his right arm because he took the cast off before it completely healed when he was about 12. It had always been a minor handicap up until about 10 years ago, then it became a major handicap. So they did some testing on his arm and legs. The response we received from the testing doctor was, "You are wired strangely."

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Maybe ADD?
i spent 16 yrs with Someone like this but they were also drinking pretty heavily so I passed it off as drinking but after he stopped drinking for over a year the symptoms were still there and he does have severe ADD check it out

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Exactly what I was thinking too.

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WOW! Reading through this discussion has been interesting, and I tend to identify most with those who suggested neuropsychological evaluation and the possibility of traumatic brain injury. My husband began manifesting symptoms of short-term memory loss following his subdural hematoma in 2003, which gradually worsened over a 10-year period. Then something else called Wernecke-Korsakoff Syndrome entered the picture. It's a caused by alcohol abuse, which depletes the body of vitamin B1, resulting in a comatose state termed Wernecke's encephalopathy -- which can be lethal and requires hospitalization/massive B1 infusions for about 5 days. Hand in hand with this is the "alchol dementia," Korsakoff's psychosis, which endures and worsens despite replenishing the B1 loss. Having had two serious Werneke's episodes, my husband's dementia progression has been slow, but steady, since 2014. This might be something to look into should alcohol abuse be a factor.

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Thank you, but my husband hasnt used alcohol in 35 years. When he did use it, it was only on weekends, like on a Saturday night. So I don't think he would be a candidate.

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My heart goes out to you. Much of your husband's behavior is like my husband's. I agree with the answers suggesting Asperger's. (Now called "On the Autism Spectrum....a bit clumsy). My husband was diagnosed with Asperger's 15 years ago, about 3 years after we married. Last year, while hospitalized the nurses all thought he was in early dementia. His doctor agrees, but so far no one has been able to get him to consent to an evaluation. I think it is both dementia and Asperger's now. It's hard to tell which is going on some times. It doesn't matter really. The frustration, confusion, and heartbreak are there for US, the spouse. It took time, but I've learned to not respond to just about everything until I have thought of a perfect benign response. Which sometimes isn't even required.
You have your hands full, but there is tremendous support here. I encourage you to continue to read and write here. Some of the information is priceless, and there is more caring than by many professionals. Hang in there.....many hugs to you.

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I was found to have Asperger's in 2008. It really knocked me for a loop; I thought I would have to go off to a group home but I got to live in a nice apartment with two female cats when my sister and I sold the house we lived in and moved to an apartment complex just up the road. I now live in another complex on a really good corner with one girl cat now; the other two are no longer in this life but they have a place in my heart. I've had counseling to come to terms with having Asperger's; a lot of them can be clever, articulate, sing well, cook well, do anything they like. They just have a funky character flaw

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If you love the bloke, then you need to roll with the issues... Seriously.. you are not going to change him.. nope... it's in his DNA... why can't you go to the store and purchase those 3 little items? really... 3 items is not something you argue about. Do you drive? Has he had a driving test latelly? My brother had early onset ALZ.. OR aphasia... Not sure what killed him... He was 60... Our oldest brother says that I am next... Happy happy joy joy...
I am realizing, that when we argue, and it is just the same crap.. I walk away.. It's quieter that way...
I am the one who snores,he snores, pets snore, who do you love? Go take a walk, think about the argument? Is it worth the effort of arguing? I don't know. This is when I shout out : SQUIRREL !! what just happened the dog looks around.... WHERE?
Hope you two have your orders.. living trust, dnr polst, POA... etc.. If not, think about it... Don't argue... get it done.... If he refuses, talk with a law counselor, bank, PARALEGAL.... go to office depot, or online, and find some information. get it done now before he really doesn't realize what's going on.

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Thank you. I am working on the paperwork. I think the most difficult thing for me was realizing he wasn't the same man I thought I married. I hope you know what I mean. I'm not talking about the way he looks or walks or talks. I'm referring to his personality. He has alway been laid back, but now he is super laid back, almost as if he is depressed, but he is on a antidepressent. I truly want the best for him, I just feel like I'm lost out in the woods without knowledge of where to go.

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I totally feel your pain. Though none of us wants to face it, when our loved one is behaving differently enough for other people to notice, it's a huge sign. Even if your husband was scatterbrained (etc.) in the past, he seems way worse now. Your husband is not doing these things on purpose, though it may feel like it to you sometimes. The whole concept of dementia and how it affects EVERYTHING is foreign to most of us until we experience it through a loved one. Thyroid problem or not, it sounds like some or even several forms of dementia may be at play here. And also sad to say, going to a marriage counselor may be helpful for you but please don't expect your husband to change or even to remember what was said. It's a very painful thing for him to realize his mind is leaving him, though he may not realize it. As time goes by, he will become less aware of it. I went through this firsthand when my husband received a diagnosis of FTD and aphasia - which meant he could not understand and had trouble finding words. His whole personality changed drastically and over the course of the year that followed, he ended up in a psychiatric hospital and then memory care. I also realized we would never have the same type of wonderful marriage that we had enjoyed for 32 years. Still, I spent time (hours) with him every day because I knew on some level, he knew I was there even if he could no longer hold a conversation. It was the most difficult time of my life without a doubt. God mercifully took him in October of 2017 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and miss him. Dementia - whatever form it takes - is a thief with many victims. This forum is very helpful so come back often.

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There are many things that can cause brain fog including sleep apnea and lyme disease. It also sounds as if your husband is a perfect example of a lifetime of attention deficit disorder which now compounded with something else. He might need to use the CPAP machine for longer to see how he benefits from it. Other conditions can also result in low oxygenation, like a too low heart rate. My mom's energy level and memory improved when she had a pacemaker implanted when she was 64 years old. Even B-12 deficiency could be to blame for forgetfulness. My point is that he needs a thorough work-up. In the meantime, why not tape the counseling sessions or video record so that he can refer to the session?

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64 answers and no reply from OP yet.

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A neuropsychological evaluation is a 3-4 hour testing process that a specially trained psychologist performs. It can be done serially over time to measure changes in functioning in various cognitive areas . A neurologist at a reputable center can write a referral for this. It has been helpful in our family for my husband who has Essential Tremor and Mild Cognitive Impairment .
A Speech therapist is another professional who works with people who have memory and attention deficits . A speech therapist can objectively evaluate function and offer concrete exercises and advice.

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Take him to a neurologist.

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You won’t like any answer, but go to your family doctor. There are basic tests, simple to administer.

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When we marry our partners it is a commitment you make and that includes in sickness and health. My advice is to keep working with the drs and addressing the problem. Perhaps they can recommend some in house care to give you a break when you need it. Good luck to you and yours.

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Hi what your husband has sounds very much like what my husband has . Frontotemporal degeneration or as some call it Frontotemporal dementia This disease changes the persons personality as well as ability to comprehend or remember things it is a slow shutting down of the brain Please check into this it will get worst I had to learn about this the hard way because it is often misdiagnosed if you want to ask me any questions please fill free

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You are absolutely right. FTD is one of the worst dementias to have, yet not easily diagnosed. The only blessing - if there is one - is that it progresses far faster than other dementias. Not that its good to lose your loved one sooner. But to see their personality disintegrate and their life changed into something you know they'd never EVER want is totally painful. It pierced me to the heart that this awful disease took my loved one from me. It's heartbreak that will probably last a lifetime. We had a wonderful marriage until FTD robbed my husband of his brain - and very rapidly at that. After diagnosis, he only lasted a year. I pray that you have strength on this awful road.

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My answer to you and your husband's problem doesn't cost you any money..,A person who sacrificed His life for all of us is ready to save you both, by His love for you both he can heal the sick and give strength to the weak.,all you have to do is accept Him and believe.,confess your weaknesses.to your Heavenly Father. My husband and I went thru alot of the things you both have been..without him, we never could have made 65yrs of marriage,go to a good Bible teaching church..and save your marriage and learn a new beautiful life..

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A neuropsychologist or maybe neuropsychiatrist can test him and give you an idea My husband has ftd and Alzheimer’s and there’s no cure so my thoughts are just make him comfortable as u can if he’s diagnosed w either My husband was president of his union at work and very intelligent and can no longer even put glasses on his face. I knew a long time something was wrong before he was diagnosed Good luck

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I would get all financial papers in order & take over bill paying. See Elder law Atty to update wills ..get poa & health proxy. You will need these important documents. Don’t pretend that there’s nothing wrong because it will get worse. Did he get full blood work up & UTI test? What’s his diet like? Is he sleep deprived? Go back to neurologist for more extensive tests. Or get second opinion. Hugs 🤗

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I would suggest having your husband evaluated by a neuropsychologist. This is a person who can evaluate for memory,attention,insight, judgement, cohesion of thought, and brain injury. They administer a battery of tests, review the results with both of you, and offer recommendations as well as treatment needs. I also would suggest a comprehensive medical evaluation.

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You truly need to find a good Dr , and get some answers . My husband recently died from ALS , which is a brutal disease .The caregiving aspect was overwhelming . I’m so glad I was able to have him at home , I know he would have done the same for me .We were married 52 years , and no , we weren’t the same people we were either . Our love grew stronger , not less . If you really feel you can’t cope , make plans for his welfare .His needs deserve to be met by a loving , and willing caregiver .Maybe his kids , or family will step up to take over .If you do it grudging, your helping no one . Good luck , you sound like you might need it . sorry this happened to you , and especially your husband .

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I went threw a year of worry about My husband befor i found out what was wrong. I found out by reading a book written by the daughter of a dementia pation. When we went back tothe doctor
She said they don"t like to usethe word. That was 2015. He may have 2 things wrong

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I just want to tell a story about my sister in law who is a beautiful person and who has worked hard all her life, raising two capable children and have beautiful grandchildren. She endured a cheating husband for many years and one who was jealous of her accomplishments. One day he got sick with diabetes, stroke and could not communicate eventually and labored when he walked. One time we went to visit the family and went to see my brother in law during his illness. I thought to myself why is she doing this "She would bath him and dress him so well, with nice crisp shirt and pants creased. his hair combed and he was handsome- she would several times a week take him for a ride in his favorite vehicle play the music he loved and bring snacks along and drive along the countryside and he loved those times she did that although he could not verbalize anything, he just had a smile on his face. When she needed to go somewhere for personal needs she would always have a caregiver someone she felt he would appreciate which was a family member." She never treated him the way he treated her. He eventually died and she buried him I would say royally and I thought she was a person who truly believed in the scriptures to forgive those who sin against you and recognize his sins were great to others but not too great for her to show the love that she did. When it was over she was satisfied that she did her best while he was sick. I'm not saying this is the thing to do for your love one but remember God can give you blessings and a peace of mind also for your acts of kindness.

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Sounds like a heart wrenching problem. Men in general don't like to talk about their sicknesses, problems. However over the years hopefully that would go away within a marriage that's lasted this long. It too seems like he is scared of his mind leaving him, he probably notices things but too scared to verbalize it, and if he has had this problem most of his life he does have a impairment of some kind, mentally, emotionally, physically. I would like to say your concerns are real however to find out really what his condition is would take professional testing. Is there anyone he's close to that can help you convey these problems your are experiencing with him and get him to go get some help quickly?

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No one is the person he/she was 40 years ago!

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My husband has totally changed also.. It is very difficult. his behavior is childish, negative, nasty.. He has been diagnosed with dementia.. Yes it is VERY difficult.. at times he has drank alcohol to ease his uncomfortable behavior. he knows things are not right.. people tell me to put him away.. etc.... but when I was little my dad always said Do to others what you want them to do to you... I look at this situation and say to myself would I want him to leave me in this condition or put me away when I still could function... NO.... then I remember the commitment at our marriage... For better or worse.. then I have spent a LOT OF TIME reading God's promises to Help me and give me Wisdom.. its not easy and very tiring at times. but I look at his eyes and my heart melts... my advice is ask God to help you.. Your husband needs you...

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get him to a geriatric neurologist or primary care MD for a
mental exam (don't tell him this word) He probably is getti ng
dementia

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I always had a phenomenal memory. I seldom documented the computer software I designed and developed and wrote every line of code. I got a virus that was going around my office and was very sick for 2 weeks. After that I lost my memory- long term short term- everything. I could only remember pieces of things that didn't make sense. I had to stop working because I could no longer function. I went out on medical leave and never had a job after that. I had brain tests cat scan, eeg. It seemed like I had Alzheimer's. But tests did not show this. Years of doctor vists.
What it was, my brain stopped going to sleep at night. I fell asleep all the time but woke up tired every morning. I was in a fog all the time and couldn't remember anything. Went to many doctors was diagnosed eventually with CFS. I still have it to a lesser degree. Common after a viral infection. The key thing for me to get my memory back was to get back to sleeping normally. It took me 6 years. I never had a sleep problem before this. I read science books to learn what the brain does to go to sleep. Brain needs sunlight in the day time and then darkening light in the evening to trigger the chemicals in the brain for sleep. So I went out every morning and sat in the park near me. In the evening turned off the tv and lights at home. Also worked on meditation to try to get to delta wave sleep. Over the years, to my surprise, my memory returned. Little by little, not all at once. Now my memory is very good especially for age - 78.
You said he has sleep difficulties and I can tell you that can cause memory problems. He must have had some of this when you met him. Things tend to get worse as we get older. Doctors don't seem to take not sleeping well seriously. I know it was part of my problem. I don't know if a sleep study would help show the difficulties he has. Please stop yelling at him. It doesn't work. I was living alone while I had my stuggle with not knowing what I was doing and it was scary. I made some systems to deal with life to help myself. I was glad that nobody saw me a mess. I wrote on my computer every day what I did that day. Writing things down helps. A plan for the day step by step. Lists in detail. Shoping lists, to do lists in detail. I would suggest you communicate, briefly, in writing. You know he has this deficit. Maybe he should retire from his job soon. He seems also to be easily distracted. Not sure if that is part of the same problem. It could be. Do you know if he was ever exposed to toxic fumes? There are so many things that can harm our brains. It is too complicated for most doctors to find the answers you need. I would think that if his sleep quality could improve you might see what other problems remain. It could take some time to see the improvement. I was surprised by what happened to me and that improving my quality of sleep brought back my memory and my ability to think. I wish you all the best with your efforts.

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Get a spiral notebook and write brief reminders, explanations in them for your husband. This helped when I was caring for my father. I would see him refer to the papers several times to remember and process the information. Pictures and flow charts helped also.

See if you can find a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation. They know specific testing and also age appropriate medications. It seems some of this might also be a long standing disorder which he can no longer compensate for because of additional age related declines.
I would encourage you to get both help in the home as you are on overload. Additionally find some counseling support, perhaps at the same location that you have your husband evaluated. You need someone with a clear understanding of the psychological issues of the person you are caring for.
We all change through out our lives. It is a loss, and part of what you are feeling is grief.

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Your are probably not going to like my answer... years ago my wife and I would argue over the smallest things, it just drove me crazy dealing with the daily fights until I finally came to realize it wasn't her being combative, it was her Alzheimer's/dementia. It wasn't her fault it was my fault. I suggest that you get consoling and join a group with other caregivers. You need to take some of the responsibility for the day to day needs of your husband. Sorry to be so blunt.

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I totally agree... we can't leave our husband or wife because its difficult. personally that would be very selfish... God doesn't leave us because we are not perfect. Love is very important and Consider yourself.. would this person want the husband to leave her in her delima...?

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My husband is not the man I married 40 years ago. Any advice?

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