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My grandmother lives in a care home in California so our contact is through video call, we will sit on video chat for hours and she will continuously repeat "help me, help me out of this place." I've tried distractions that only work momentarily before she back into her verbal loop. I know anxiety and exhaustion make the verbal loop more intense, I'm lost for a way to help, any ideas?

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Not much, I’m afraid but what she is saying seems as important as how often she is saying it. Do not discount what she is saying just because she has dementia. Constantly repeating the same sentence or phrase over and over is commonplace. My mother sang the phrase, “Obama to the world,” for three or four years because she merged political events she saw on TV with a Christmas carol. I suggest that you look up ratings on this home and have someone visit there at least 3-4 times per week to be sure she is getting good care.
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I have found, through years of experience, that I simply do not have non-ending patience with dementia people who constantly repeat the same things and do other awful things. People say distract but it happens over and over and over again. Before I totally explode, I firmly say "You already said that. Do not. repeat." They will act surprised but I assure you they will stop. Repeat this every single time they repeat and if they keep it up, just excuse yourself and walk away. Before you go nuts too, walk away and think of yourself. You can't shut them up.
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Chellyfla Jul 2020
Wow, what an attitude! Glad you aren’t my caregiver!
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Is this a recent statement or normal conversation from her? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Also, it would be good to ask her "What is your issue with the place you are staying in?" and "Why do you wish to leave there?" and "Are the people there nice?" and "Are they mean?" I would want clarification. Could be legitimate concerns, whether she has dementia or not. Also, our loved ones just hearing our voice, you doing all the talking with variety of positive happy subjects, can be calming and beneficial to them.
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Imho, she may not be able to realize that she's repeating phrases because she has a disease of the brain.
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Stop the video chats for a week or two. When you start them again she may forget what she was repeating. Pray.
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I hear your frustration. However, people are repetitious or get mean/angry, in an effort to be heard...ie you are probably have not addressed and/or responded to her unhappiness at being in a home. Lets face it, it is a form of jail for the elderly...even if its a higher level home.
What she is asking is "why can't i return to my life as i knew it...in my own home, with my friends, garden pets etc"??
Change is difficult for all humans...and more so as people get older.
Their habits, routines and possessions bring them a sense of certainty & security
You might consider being willing to really "hear" your grandmother...the distress, anxiety & fear she is experiencing.
Imagine if it was YOU who was taken from all the familiar people places & things in your life . That would suck to the max
. And put into an environment where you whole life was in the control of other people you didn't even know. When you eat, when you sleep, where you can go.
You might consider being willing to "hear" your grandmothers distress, anxiety and
fear firstly. And accept it as fact, and even your own feelings of guilt
Secondly you could gently explain to her, honestly, that she has been unwell for some time, and your family...or whoever it actually was...made the difficult decision to have her 'stay" (not live, stay..words are powerful tools..or weapons)in the center so she would be have her meals prepared, her cleaning down, and other people to speak with & spend time with each day. This is pointing out to her the benefits
I'd also suggest you explain to her about the lockdown and the no visiting for ALL seniors staying in care facilities at this time
Most important: Please give her "something to look forward to " that is true
eg. As soon as this lockdown is over, whenever that is, I (or whoever will visit her for SURE) Will be coming to visit you every...week, month, 2 months etc. Whatever is the truth.
In the meantime, perhaps you could tell her...I (or u and whoever) will make you a care package, and put in some of your favorite foods, a pack of cards (if she likes cards) whatever that she enjoyed in her life. Even if she can't play properly anymore, it will bring her comfort.
In dementia, as in many diseases the organ or system is damaged. However, the soul is always complete. By your tone of voice, your facial micro expressions, and your body language, the soul knows when you are being sincere...or not.. when you are being honest...or not
Please, stop underestimating her ability to understand because she has a problem with her brain.
The brain is the keyboard. The soul uses the keyboard for expression
Talk with your Grandmother the way you liked to be talked to.
With honesty & kindness.
She will hear you...and calm down

Happiness
Happiness is
Something to do
Someone to love
Something to look forward to
:)
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VA2ndof4 Jul 2020
Sunshinelife: Yours is by far one of the best responses I have read on this site. I agree with your advice. We should treat our loved ones as we would want to be treated in their situation. They are confused and can't understand what is happening, no matter how hard we try. To the extent possible, we can repeat answers as needed, and try to stay positive with our responses. In my experience taking care of my mom for the past four years, a positive yet truthful attitude calms anxiety and relieves stress for both my mom and for me.
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I don't know if this will help, but a lady produced a youtube video on how to talk to people with dementia. I think she has some great ideas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww&t=62s
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People with dementia often play the same loop over and over. Distracting them seems to be the only way, but it's harder to do over a video call. I agree with the suggestion below that it might be better to switch to short calls. Try to keep the tone upbeat. Tell her you love her. Wanting to "get out of this place" often means that the person wants to go back to better times when they were functioning well and independent. It's very sad that this cannot happen.
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I'd imagine that a video chat for hours would be stressful for her. I'd consider shortening the visit. People who have dementia often have a short attention span. She may be overly tired and not able to focus, so she gets confused. Try a 10 minute chat and see how it goes. Maybe, do another one later in the day.

I'd also have her Healthcare POA speak to the staff at the facility to see if she's overly anxious or crying out other than the times you see. If so, they can discuss medication for it with her doctor.
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sunshinelife Jul 2020
medications will make her confusion worse, and her decline more rapid
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Speak to the staff to see that she's eating and doing well in general. Then cut down your video calls to 10 minutes, keeping the conversation to subject matters of YOUR choice, whether she 'hears' them or not. Let her know that you love her a whole lot and will peak to her again at another time.

Don't listen to those guilt inducers who tell you to get her out of there.........they don't understand how dementia presents itself. If you are speaking to gma in the evenings, her 'verbal loop' could be worse at that time of day, so try speaking earlier in the day when she may be a bit more 'with it'. I generally speak with my mother (who has moderate dementia) at about 7 pm each evening and she's MUCH worse at that time of day than she is around lunchtime; sundowners sets in in the evening and her confusion level is dramatically worse as a result, so talking to her tends to be an exercise in frustration.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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Are you sure that she isn't referring to the endless video call?

Hours is just not even reasonable unless you are a teenager.

Shorten your calls and see if she doesn't stop pleading for escape.
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sunshinelife Jul 2020
hahahah!! what you are saying is her granddaughter is a chatty cathy hahaha!! most women are. I know i am...& wish i wasn't most time...You just made my day
I'll keep an eye out for when my boyfriend tells me "i have to escape" when we are talking on the phone hahaha!!
Im sure its not the length of the calls...but dam you made my day.:))..
happy day
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Talk about tv shows from the 60s and 70s
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sunshinelife Jul 2020
and the old movies...my grandpa's big on the old movies..& the old stars who are long since dead. smart idea
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Research maybe small radio headphone set will help her and sing to you😊
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Why video chat for hours? Shorten the video chat to avoid getting her agitated. Time the chat to share a treat. ( my mom eats her favorite doughnut choice while I eat mine) Make note of her appearance: skin condition, nails clean. Make sure she is wearing her glasses, dentures. Have them play a short bit of her favorite music.
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sunshinelife Aug 2020
you are astute, elegant and double smart. Favorite music, and familiar smell, apple, cinnamon, fresh linen.tobacco..lavender.etc affect the pleasure centers of the brain (limbic system) & bring comfort to even the most distressed of people
There's an english man & his son on Youtube who sing together in the car ..great videos...The father has severe dementia yet remembers ever word and note of the songs he sang professionally. And he sounds just like Frank Sinatra. He worth looking up. Put into the search bar. English man with dementia & son singing Frank Sinatra songs in the car". great stuff
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Continue to redirect the conversation. Call during the morning or early afternoon when she is probably not tired. Accept that this is part of the disease process.
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sunshinelife Jul 2020
"what looks dark in the night, always looks better in the morning light"
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My grandfather did this through the last few YEARS of his Alzheimer’s. “What’s next?” Literally 50 times in a two hour period when he was awake. No wonder my mother (his caregiver) had a stroke.
Whenever I would take him, I would go through the same type of list I did with my kids as babies (Hunger, bodily functions, physical comfort, noise/light). Then, I would have to stop answering. Sometimes he would slow it down, other times not. There was no way to fix this. Same thing with a lady in my in-laws memory care. “Help me, help me” was the constant refrain. Even if she was sitting and eating (which she did on her own). There was nothing to help.

Dementia in its many forms forces us into behavior/choices that go against our instincts. We (if we are not sociopaths) WANT to fix things. We don’t want anyone to be left feeling helpless or scared. But, the disease and its accompanying brain “flickers” sometimes means we have to do the least bad thing rather than the ideal thing. Because there is no ideal in bizarro world.

If this is a norm now (and it is not an unusual one), and you are on the phone, have short conversations. Try to go back far in time for memories. It might pull her with you. If it doesn’t, it truly is ok to say, “well, I need to head to the grocery store now. I love you, grandma, talk to you soon” and sign off.

It may sound like I am telling you to hang up on your grandma and that feels wrong on so many levels, but she is taken care of. You can find peace in knowing that. She may move on from this rumination/habit place (in my experience, it is very much like a physical tic, but with words)... she may not. But, a couple of minutes of a loving voice is, no doubt, good for her heart, even if she is stuck on a loop for now.
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sunshinelife Aug 2020
you made me LOL!!! your Mum died because a clot blocked an artery running to the brain, or the vessel wall tore due to age & pressure . not because of your dad saying "whats next"...LOL!!! However...im sure she felt like giving him a good hard whack with the frying pan at times :)
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My mother did the exact same thing. She would just repeat the word “help” over and over. She would also count. She would and could count to 100. I asked her why she was counting and she stopped and said “I don’t know...count with me”! Then started all over again. She was in the hospital when she told me that. But, she was in the hospital he nursing home for 4 years. She was bedridden with rheumatoid arthritis and had moderate dementia and had lost her sight except for a little speck of light. I was only 7 miles away so I could go visit. She did it and I think it was a mixture of boredom, anxiety, and dementia.
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sunshinelife Aug 2020
agree 100%...i thought about the gentleman with the "what's next"...sounds like boredom to me.
For a man thats been a working man and/or a man about town, must be very upsetting to be immobile..i doubt such a man would ever fully accept that they weren't going to return to a full productive life. Then the Angels tap them on the shoulder, and off they go to another adventure in the heavens..their suffering forgotten.:)
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Help her get out of where she is.

Imstall cameras in her room and you might find out why she wants out
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lealonnie1 Jul 2020
When my aunt lived in Memory Care and would call 911 to plead for help, should the paramedics have come to help her get out of where she was at? That's the exact same logic you are using with this OP, which is silly and not helpful at all. Dementia has NO reason to it, and the woman is precisely where she belongs. If she were 'at home' she'd be saying the exact same thing!
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I doubt that anyone who has visited a nursing home or memory care hasn't run into the pleas for "nurse! nurse! or "I need to go to the bathroom, please, please". I felt sorry for the lady who lived across the hall from my mom, she used to "sing" the same few notes over and over again for hours at a time, her vocal chords must have been so strained.
When my mom used to call my name interspersed with "turn me over", I would run through a list of questions trying to figure out what might be troubling her - bored? lonely? pain? hungry? thirsty?...... Even when (if) I identified a need she often reverted to calling again after a short while (it was somewhat amusing when staff at the nursing home took her literally 🙄).
The thing is that it can be extremely difficult to combat these vocalizations because though they might be the symptom of an unmet need it can be really difficult to figure out what that need is and it may be something that isn't fixable. Distraction and one on one interaction may help, but isn't likely available for anyone in a facility. Meds for anxiety may help, sometimes, but there are trade offs. You could ask for a care conference to brainstorm with staff, if you know that exhaustion are part of the equation for your grandmother then maybe ask the facility to put her down for a nap during the day and/or get her ready for bed earlier in the evening.
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It would be helpful to know if she is on any medications. There may be some that could help her. Her medical Power of Attorney needs to speak to your Gramma's doc about this issue.
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Try not talking too long at one time. Calls or visits that last a long time like you described can be hard for seniors, even more so for those with dementia. You could be inadvertently talking to her through her nap times. Seniors often nap after eating, so try to time your calls when she's not as likely to be napping (figure an hour or so after each meal to nap).

When she starts saying things like that, tell her she's safest there, getting the help she needs 24/7, and maybe that her dr. wants her there for her safety. Help her get off the phone as quickly as possible, lovingly. Try encouraging her to take a nap, watch a tv program, eat a treat, or get into an activity where she is, and tell her you'll call her again soon.

It's nice to have something like cards and letters from loved ones to read, so write and send her some pretty cards, letters to read in between your calls. Write big so it's easy for her to read.
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