Follow
Share

My mom texted Saturday afternoon 1/27 and said Grandma is in the hospital again only this time she's not coming home :( the doctor said days or weeks..
I automatically couldn't breathe and went to my knees to pray as I know her body and heart were tired but she wasnt ready to leave us... I asked my mom if we should come ( we live an hour away) or call her, mom said she's resting comfortably. We couldn't get there until after nine that night so we decided to go the next morning first thing. I was going to read and hold her hand all day..Mom called at six the next morning said get here now if you want to say goodbye to Grandma..my heart broke the whole way as it was surreal..we got there and said I love you and it was okay to go and I talked to her about my job just anything..She was unresponsive at that point her eyes glazed over, but I pray she hears me. I did say too much in the hospital room I've never seen anyone pass away before like Barbara said it's not like in the movies...
What is really getting me now is the guilt from not calling or going to see her. It would have been late seeing her in person but so what..or why didn't I just call darn it to have one more coherent conversation..mom said she was resting comfortably so I wanted to let her rest but why didn't I just call to say I love you..to say something.why???.I can't eat or sleep.inhave nightmares every night of what should have been...it's been almost a month it feels like yesterday..my heart wont stop breaking..

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Can I ask you a few questions...
Have you in the past year talked to grandma?
Have you gone to see her?
Have you thought of her often?
The important thing is to treat people always with love and kindness. Like this might be the last time you see them. Simply because you never know what might happen between today and tomorrow.

This went through my mind at my Husbands funeral....
I find it odd, funny, sad, that all these people show up at a funeral or viewing and they have not seen this person in sometimes years. I often think "Harry" would have loved to see his old buddy "George" but "George" must have had better things to do than stop in and visit.

Your grandma knew you loved her.
I am sure she enjoyed the time you spent with her when she was able to talk to you, see you rather than the few minutes you were able to see her before she died.
She heard you
She knew you were there.

And more important...
She is still with you
she will be with you always.
Keep her alive in your thoughts, in the stories you tell and in the things you do in your every day life.

EVERYONE feels the same way you are feeling now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 11, 2024
Thank you for your kind words 💕 they answers to your questions are yes ,yes and yes 💓 I called her at least once a week and saw her once or twice a month...until that last month...we had a big ice storm so couldn't see her had to call..so it was 38 days since id hugged her it's breaking my heart... I should have went to the hospital sooner maybe I could've gotten that last hug and coherent conversation but she was in and out of it my mom said and the next morning when we got there was too late..I love.what you said abiut thentime we had together and not just tje minutes before she died...just feel like I'll never be the same with out her and I'm trying to just get through each day 🙏🙏 I have cried very day...it's hard ..thank you again for your support 💗
(0)
Report
Everyone has said exactly how I feel about your situation.

Just want to say that I am very sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I adored my grandmother. A special bond occurs between a grandparent and grandchild.

Wishing you peace and sending you a bazillion hugs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 2, 2024
Thank you so much, there was a special bond that has been broken not forever but until we meet again 🙏 my heart hurts with how much I miss her and I just hope I didn't let her down but not getting there earlier 🙏
Hugs to you for your kindness 💕
(1)
Report
Grandma heard you, trust me. You were there, and are upset at no response.
She was what they call "actively dying" and nothing anyone could do for her BUT BE THERE. You were, she knew it. I'm sure she wanted to acknowledge you, but they are so tired and their body is closing down. It was out of your control.

Don't torture yourself. You were there. That's all you can do, the rest is up to God.

You have a long process of grief to get through next. You can find a project to honor Grandma. Plant a tree, or roses in her honor. Go outside and talk to her by that plant, watch for signs of her spirit. Join a Grief Group. Cry your eyes out. Make a nice album of favorite photos of her.

Most of all, honor her life by doing your best in your life you have left on earth. Whatever you loved about Grandma, start practicing it, or doing it yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 1, 2024
Thank you for your kind words 🙏 I am still in a dark place with my grief, I hope I can find peace with all of these emotions at some point...thank you again means more than you know 🙏take care🙏
(0)
Report
I believe that people hear us even if they are completely unresponsive. I have had the privilege of being with several loved ones as they transitioned over. I know they heard me--and I'm sure your beloved grandma heard you.

Please don't waste one moment on guilt that you weren't there sooner. Many dying people actually 'hold on' until the are alone and then they pass. It's really common. Dying is so very, very personal.

How wonderful that you had this kind of love in your life! Your grandma knew and knows you love her. Death doesn't take that away.

What you are feeling is grief, not guilt. You did NOTHING wrong.

Celebrate the life if grandma and keep the stories and memories you have of her in your heart and share them with your family.

Realize how blessed you were to have a loving relationship. You may not feel that NOW, but in time, you will come to understand how to access that feeling and not feel sad.

((Hugs))
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 1, 2024
Thank you so much for your kind words 💞 it's still very hard and can't stop crying everyday..I feel like others are tired of hearing about it or seeing me sad but is what it is,like you said it's very personal our grieving 🙏🥺I hope she DOES see how much I still love her..so very much ❤️...take care 🙏
(0)
Report
I’m sorry for your loss, I also had a special, beloved grandmother and know how this feels. I was present throughout my dad’s last days and am convinced that dying is very much a solo journey. Once he stopped communicating with us, he truly went somewhere else, though he was still breathing and his heart still beating. His hospice nurse told me the day before he died to please understand that my dad was already gone, it was his body that hadn’t quite gotten the message yet. It was so true. I have no doubt, and no doubt that your grandmother knew your love and care. I hope you’ll stop beating yourself up over a situation that isn’t the important thing in this, and can heal and focus on memories of the good times. Wishing you peace
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 1, 2024
Thank you I am trying every day to get strong but it's not any better right now 🙏🥺 to have a coherent conversation with her one more time will forever be a dream...take care..
(0)
Report
All of my close relatives passed away minutes before or after a visit. We tell families that many people can hear while barely conscious. Do check with bereavement groups in your area. As part of therapy, perhaps you can write a final letter to her then ceremoniously send it off
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 1, 2024
Thank you 😌 yes I have joined a grief group and hope it will help 🙏 I thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry for your loss...even though we know it's coming still a shock to the heart...take care
(0)
Report
More and more I am convinced that grief counselors are correct.

We go, say the counselors, into these circular arguments and self- accusations--or even WORSE into accusations against others-- in order to AVOID the finality of grief and loss. When the anger at ourselves and others is over we must face the tears, and it is too much to bear at times.
So.....instead.....
We want to accuse ourselves of the most bizarre small things.
We want to accuse doctors, nurses, family members, caretakers, ems personnel, just ANYONE or ANYTHING.
We want something or someone to be angry at because quite simply, grief just hurts too much.

Your grandmother had a good long life. Her family was there for that. And they were there for the end.
I am 81 and I want to say to you that IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THAT.
Imagine having so much love from a grandchild, so much honoring? And a long life?
What would this grandmother you so loved have to say about what you are choosing now to do to yourself?
Why don't you write yourself a letter from her to yourself and just IMAGINE what she would say. Because I think she might say something like "Oh, honey! I loved YOU so much as well. But this is the circle. Now get on with it. And when you see a dusky red rose think of me, smell it for me until its petals fall."

The cost of loving is loss. Are you not ready to pay the cost of grief and heartbreak for all the love you have shared with this woman?
I hope you will quickly move from self- flagellation to honoring the life she lived, glorying in the time she had on this earth, and being purely THANKFUL and GRATEFUL that she had the love of you all.

If you cannot do this in some few months, then please do seek help. Grief disorders are now so common that they are included now in the DSM-5 manual and are covered by insurance.

I wish peace to your kind, loving and gentle heart. I know your grandmother would wish the same.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Dawn88 Feb 26, 2024
Alva...excellent advice as usual.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I felt something similar when my grandmother died years ago at age 65. Her death was sudden, and she hadn't been sick at all. I wished I'd called or seen her recently before she passed away, but I certainly didn't know that she was going to die beforehand., and she'd been away visiting her family for a few weeks. I finally came to the realization that she knew I loved her. Her death couldn't take away all the good times we'd had together, and she'd always be alive in my heart.

I suggest you start thinking in that direction. It really does help. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm sure your grandmother knew on some level that you were there even though she didn't respond.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 1, 2024
Yes I hope she remembers as I do our good times we had...even though she was sick with her weak heart she still stayed so strong and eager to see everyone...she loved to 83.4 years old still living alone and being a strong woman 🙏...I'm sorry for your loss as well 💞🙏 take care..
(0)
Report
Just know that she knows, you truly love her. So, she is non responsive, but she most likely heard you. She loved you too, know in your heart you said goodbye and she heard and felt your love.
Most likely she may not have been able to talk that day before. Trust .. just trust that she heard you. Ask her to give you a sign, and trust that she will. Besides, you can still talk to her. She is listening..
blesses step off this train of guilt. It’s not good. Trust me on this.. I feel it everyday for every loved one who has transitioned to the other side. I am exhausted.. I am tired… and I wish I could exchange places… but I cannot….
I ask to join my dear… but have not… do I take this to the next level? I’m not sure… guilt is raging through my veins..I only did what hospice told me to…
guilt comes in May disguises..
the guilt of loving your grandmother and not cslkihrr on time??? Just know she knows you were with her in spirit..
she needed that peace of comfort to go home. You prayed in your way.. she heard you… you are ok.. and she is too. She’s not suffering anymore…
My family says I need grief counseling… I am feeling guilty about my situation. No matter what when who where and why, guilt is not good for healing. Let go of the guilt.. thst phone call robot made snything easier. Then you would say… I should’ve made this trip a routine to visit..etc etc..
Take care..
I just might see a counselor…
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
SnoopyLove Feb 26, 2024
I definitely think grief counseling or a grief support group could be of great benefit to both you and the OP. And what would be the worst that could happen from trying it out?
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of your beloved grandmother. It sounds like she was a very important person in your life, as I’m sure you were in hers.

The “why didn’t I do this” and “I wish I had done that” that you’re experiencing are so natural and common when a loved one passes away. I felt that way when my dad passed away, but I loved him deeply and did my best at the time and those regrets have faded now. I’m glad you were able to say goodbye. Your grandmother was very lucky to have such a loving granddaughter.

I hope you are comforted by wonderful memories of your grandmother and the love you shared. Best to you. 😊
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
MelissaRose Mar 1, 2024
Thank you for reminding me this part is normal as normal is not how I feel at all right now...I just wanted one last conversation which we had a week before but I wanted one more selfishly...I'm sorry for your loss as well and thank you for your kind words 🙏🙏take care...
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter