My friend has dementia. Her live-in boyfriend of 9 years is putting her in a memory care facility, which she doesn't agree to or know about.

Question

My friend has dementia. Her live-in boyfriend of 9 years is putting her in a memory care facility, which she doesn't agree to or know about.

Follow

Share

He said he was told to just walk away after their lunch at the facility, not say goodbye and not come back for at least 3 months. This would help her get better situated.

She does have a son close the the facility who is "supposed" to visit her at a later date. Is this a normal way to leave a person in a Memory Care facility?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Memory Care

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

33 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

You don't mention if he has POA and the right to make this decision for her - not saying that he is doing anything wrong but if she has family he may not be the one with the right to make the decision.
Whether the advice on not going to visit for 3 months is right or not, will to a large extent depend on how advanced her dementia is. If he has nursed her with assistance and she no longer knows who he is, or gets easily agitated then whilst it sounds draconian not upsetting her by visiting whilst she settles is probably the best thing. If every time someone visits the staff have to start settling the person again as if they have just arrived it is a great deal of extra work for them, and if the person gets agitated / upset then it is harder for them too. Obviously it is not easy to leave someone to the facility and not have contact for three months (and I doubt they want him to phone either, although phones in rooms seems uncommon in memory facilities so I am sure he can phone staff to check on her and how she is settling in), but it takes time, for anyone to settle into a different way of living, and depending on the extent of the dementia that time will vary. Their approach sounds harsh, but it no doubt a result of experience, and having moved my mother to a facility I can totally understand their practices.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

So many questions come to mind with this situation.

Does the boyfriend have the authority to put her into a nursing home?
If they live in a state that has common law marriage, then he might be considered next-of-kin and have the right to do so. If they do not live in a state with common law marriage, then he doesn't have authority to do this. Her son would have to be the one to authorize this.

Is this the usual procedure in this facility?
I know that some facilities do recommend that family not visit for a short period until the person gets used to the new living situation, I am not a fan of anybody lying to a person with dementia - or any other condition.

Not really sure what "supposed to visit" means?
I am assuming that the relationship between parent and child is not solid.
The comment seems to imply that this woman is being abandoned into memory care. Unfortunately, this does happen at times. Without concrete information about who is responsible for her, I would hate to speculate.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

No. A good memory care facility would NEVER say that. Why dont you go and visit yourself?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Irwin2021: Imho, perhaps you can ask for a clarification on the timeframe.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Is the concern here about boyfriend not visiting for 3 months? (Does sounds strange, could it be 3 days? Or weeks?) But regardless, visiting frequency is up to him.

Or is the concern about your friend being moved to Memory Care? (As you stated she may not know/understand/or agreed to).

I do not know how advanced or what type of Dementia your friend has. I do not know if she would understand, or remember if/when told about the move or whether she has insight into her condition.

Can you can still visit? Be a friend?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Check yourself with the facility that they actually tell people to stay away 3 months. Doesn't ring true
Second check what access this man has to your friends bank accounts. Her son could check.
"Trust, but verify"
Russian Proverb
Vladimir Lenin

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

When my dad was put in Memory Care, his wife was told not to visit for 2 weeks so that he would get use to her not being there all the time & he could get to know the staff.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Nine years with someone is a long time. Sounds like they had a meaningful relationship. I know what dementia does to people as I've cared for two loved ones. I agree that 3 months seems excessive, but the fact that this man cares enough to see to it she's cared for is a good thing. Her son should be a part of the decision, and it sounds like he's agreeable. She may not even recognize him in 3 months. This is a cruel and unforgiving disease and requires round-the-clock care. Don't be too hard on him.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I hope the man is as ethical & as loving as you propose..: )

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

I've heard of being discouraged to visit for 2 or 3 weeks to allow the resident to adjust and rely more on the staff. 3 months sounds excessive.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

That is one of the most CRUEL things I ever heard of! She will HATE him forever if he abandons her like this. These facilities are great at making their patients life so miserable that they eventually LOOSE ALL HOPE AND WANT TO DIE!!! That is why they told him not to come back for 3 months. She will want to die ...and they will be more than happy to help her die! The neglect and abuse in these places is off the charts. They killed my sister by denying her all food and water for 4 days during the lock down. I was NEVER told, but found out on the 3rd day because I kept calling. I knew something was wrong. Finally they told me she was dying I asked of what? They had no answer. Then said they were instructed no food or water. I demanded they rehydrate her ...but they refused and she died the next day.

DO NOT LET THEM DO THIS PLEASE!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Im so very sorry for your loss. I saw a man and his wife in a facility...kept in different wards. They would not allow him to visit his much loved wife for over 18months...even though she was 5 mins walk away in another ward
They filled him with so much medication, most days when my Grandfather would call him the man was falling asleep during the conversation and losing all reason.
The only request the man had when asked if he needed anything was "a picture of my wife". He was married 40 years
No-one ever did get him the picture of his wife...all staff have cell phones...printers on every nurses station. smh
His daughter told my Grandfather the staff would push a meal through the door 3 times a day, but not stop to speak with him
He wasn't even allowed to walk in the hallway or get fresh air for those 18months
The man told my Grandfather "they are never going to let me out of here ever. I don't want to live like this anymore"
The man (Elliott was his name) passed over 3 days later.
Its almost 12months on now, his wife is still in that same facility.
Please check thoroughly and ask many questions before you have your loved one admitted to one of these facilities

(0)

Report

It's not a normal situation. Unfortunately, some people stick old people in a facility and hardly ever see them.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I have direct knowledge that unfortunately not only do people do this sometimes BUT the assisted living facilities are often a part of that when someone brings their loved one there who objects or doesn’t want to stay some assisted livings for the $$ they know they’ll get from admitting another resident often encourage the loved one to walk away and not have contact for a while. Some of them also go outside the law when a senior objects to staying the law is the person has to be on conservatorship to hold them there—- often times these facilities don’t ask the family member or whoever brings them in “is he/ she on conservatorship?” If the answer is no, the senior cannot be held there against their wishes- even having poa does not allow the forced admission of a senior who clearly states they don’t want to be there - poa covers medical issues but I’ve fact checked this with more than one attorney - an assisted living is not identified as a medical facility it’s not a skilled nursing or medical center. If someone has poa they have authority to admit them to necessary medical care but they don’t have authority to admit somejne to assisted living against their wishes unless they’re on conservatorship. Again the assisted livings often skip over this to have a person admitted- they’re pressured and encouraged and made to stay =$$

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

very helpful..thankyou

(0)

Report

Thank you everyone who gave me their answers. He placed her in a home about 2 days travel from here, closer to her son and wife (which I think they agreed to this as they did not want to care for her also). I think he was just tired of caring for her and wanted to be done. I doubt if he will even visit. He already has control on her finances. Her stay is being paid for by her social security and long term care policy. What I would like to know now is that I thought a person had to be appointed a guardian from the court to put a person in long term care? I didn't think Power of Attorney or Medical Power of Attorney would allow you to do this.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Irwin, does your friend want to leave Memory Care?

What is her plan for the care she needs?

(1)

Report

See 3 more replies

This thread was started 4 days ago. I've read 4 (or maybe 5 - I lost count) other posters who've raised the same issues as I did: (a) authority to make this commitment and (b) financial sources.

The OP hasn't been back; perhaps he/she doesn't have the answers to these questions. But I think enough posters have shared concerns that these critical issues should be raised and be addressed.

Irwin, are you still here? If so, could you please respond to the many answers, and especially the legal and financial queries?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Everything sounded correct until '3 months'. Check in with him, or call the facility to confirm if that's what they said. I highly doubt it. Hearsay is not reliable!

But yes, it is better to walk away without a fuss. Saying goodbye just alerts the person and can create an emotional outpouring which is unnecessary.

I suppose this may seem mean or cruel to someone with no experience with dementia, but it is not. It's less emotion for everybody, and keeping dementia patient calm is a priority.

'Putting her' in a facility if she has dementia is probably the correct thing to do. If she doesn't agree or know about it, that says to me that she is unable to process that information cognitively, and that means it is the correct thing to do.

Depending on their relationship, he can start to visit her regularly, once she has settled in.

Again, not sure what the '3 months' was about. Either a mistake on his part or not the truth.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Voice of reason. Obviously, you're familiar with the demands of dementia.

(0)

Report

How do you determine when a person, who has been diagnosed with dementia, need to go into a home? And who should make that decision? A doctor or a loved one? I would think that someone qualified should be the one to say, ok it's time?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

You determine it in a number of ways. There should have been a gerontologist who is doing memory testing once things seem to start going south, ie, they can't remember things, get paranoid, make poor decisions, get lost, wander, etc. That means the brain is starting to change.

If they are living at home, they may start to make mistakes such as leaving the oven on, not being able to work a simple task, such as turning on a tv, where before they could. Once this starts to happen, you have safety issues which have to be addressed immediately, lest someone burns down the house, gets lost, gets into a car accident, etc.

Loved ones are usually too close to the situation to make the call, and the person with dementia is not capable of making this decision for themselves.

This is why it's actually a good plan to move to Assisted Living if possible, because then you can have a seamless transition to Memory Care or Skilled Nursing, if and when needed. You have qualified professionals overseeing the elder. It makes these tough decisions easier on everybody.

(4)

Report

See 1 more reply

Boyfriend wants out of the relationship. The three months statement makes that clear, because that's not what MC does. They suggest you don't visit for a short time, like a week, but never three months. His plan is to claim that after three months she didn't recognize him, so he's walking away.

Since they aren't married, he doesn't have responsibility of caring for her though, and unless she gave him power of attorney, he has no right to place her anywhere. The son needs to be contacted immediately.

I'd also make sure the son protects Mom's assets as well. The BF may clean out her house and bank accounts.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

I wonder who has the LEGAL authority to
1) Place her in Memory Care, or any facility for that matter.
2) Make Health care choices, and Financial choices for her.

Some facilities may have a policy that staying away for a few weeks the theory is that it is better for the new resident as they get to know staff and depend on them rather than their loved ones.
(It is funny when I put my Husband in the Memory Care facility for Respite they suggested that I stay with him to settle him down. Well that did not work at all he refused to settle down, go to bed, with me there all he wanted to do was leave. I left and I was told he wandered around a bit then settled down)
So there may not be a "one size fits all" approach to leaving a loved one.
I would talk to the son and make sure he is fully aware of the plan to place his mom. But after that ... (as Dear Abby would say MYOB) Mind your Own Business. You are not responsible for her.
You can visit as a friend, but visit only don't stir up a hornets nest. I would wait a week or 2 before visiting. (Please call first and ask about any restrictions on visiting. She may be in quarantine for 2 weeks or longer before she is allowed to mingle with other residents.)

Thinking about this more, I can see a much longer time before a visitor might be allowed. If she is in quarantine for 14 to 20 days before being allowed access to the facility she will have bonded with the caregivers during that time and she will have to learn to trust another group of people once again. So I can almost see an extended time period before allowing a loved one to visit. Not that this is what is happening in this situation but I can see it.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I have been prepped to expect this. I was told that the absent time required by the facility was to be at least 3 weeks, not months though. And yes, the walk-away approach to intake seems to be the norm.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

It is hard to reason with a person who has dementia. Is it really necessary for her to go to a home? Is there any family who could make this decision other then her boyfriend?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I would contact her son . This sounds cruel to me .

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

everyone one,s advise is so valid and true. I would add that who ever has poa and health dire tives see she every week to make sure that the services that the facility is contracted for are being met. ..such as hair being washed and the two bathings a week are being done. I had to hound my friend,s facility to clip his fingernails! if I didnt do that , who knows how long they would have grown. ..if I waited 3 months..in what condition would they be on. also problems with how long it takes for someone to respond after their call button is pushed. with short staffing everywhere, some services might fall through the cracks and become neglected and it is the poas responsibility to see to it that their loved one,s quality of care and life are consistently held to a high standard. many times, residents cant look after their their own interests and so someone else has to speak out on their behalf. I wouldnt even stay away for one week ...making sure that everything is up to standard and that your loved one is not left in a corner by themselves calling for help for hours. you can observe and taken timed notes as to what you observe without letting your loved one know that you are there if stressing out the patient during visitation is a concern but dont think for a minute that everything is fine without checking in every week. any thing less is negligence. I checked on my friend for years and my conscience is clear knowing that his quality of life held to a high standard.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

If he agrees to that … he should walk
away and never come back !!!!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I think it is not the right thing to do.
I think the boyfriend should be upfront with her.
I think the memory care place told him to stay away 3 months to make it easier for them not her. I think you say goodbye rather they remember or not and you and her son should go see her as much as you can, starting with today to see how she is doing and to make sure does being treated ok. My Dad has dementia and has 24 7 Care in his on home and I installed Cameras so I can see how he is and how he's being treated any time I want 24 7.
Please go see your mom today.
Her son should go see her

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Perhaps the facility did not say that long at all, and he is so distraught that he needs that time.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

First of all who has Power of Attorney to make this decision. Just because he is her boyfriend does not constitute this right. And she needs to see family and have that support from the time she enters a facility. Not the place I would put my loved one. Sounds like that is just the beginning of more rules. Look further or speak to a social worker. You do have rights to protect your loved one.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

There's something seriously amiss to leave a loved one as a new resident at a new aged care facility without any visitation for "at least 3 months". Those with dementia need familiarity and support from loved ones then, more than ever. They have lost everything to some extent at this point. It would NOT get her better situated. Those with dementia can also suffer delirium in new and unfamiliar environments. Who advised him to be neglectful in such a way? I highly doubt that any facility following best practice and with a high standard of care would make such a statement. This approach lacks compassion. It would be cruel and inhumane, and, for an aged care facility, is dangerous and unprofessional.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I have a hunch that facilties which does this want the "loved ones" out of the way so the patient stops bonding with them and bond with the facility staff instead. Or they do not want them to get in the way by meddling.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Irwin2021, one thing to remember, a Memory Care facility will not accept a new resident unless the facility feels that person now needs around the clock care. Sounds like the sig-other was emotionally and physically drained from all the work.

As others have mentioned, the away time is usually 2-3 weeks. I have a feeling the sig-other missed heard the amount of time. That can happen when dealing with something overwhelming. Now he can once again be her boyfriend instead of her 24/7 caregiver.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

It depends on the individual, and on the individual going into memory care. Some friends and family can be very helpful in getting a new resident settled and encouraged and comforted, and others can be very disruptive - for example, if the relatives/partners become stressed, upset, tearful, then it's likely the resident will too.

Three months seems a long time. It's possible he was told that because whoever told him judged that after nine years he needed that much of a respite break!

If his partner normally or often becomes distressed when he goes out, then he shouldn't say goodbye, just hand over to a member of staff and slip discreetly out of the room. But if not, then a kiss, hug and "see you soon" are fine if that's what he normally does.

I think in general I'd be wary of a facility that lays down hard-and-fast rules about this. There is such a principle as person-centered care, and they should have heard of it.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

I've heard of 2-ish weeks but only if they're having a hard time adjusting. 3 months? Yikes, that doesn't sound right. How old is your friend and how old is her boyfriend? Maybe he's got some memory issues as well? Can you contact the son so you can get some context on what the plan actually is? Have you attempted to visit her yet?

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

My friend has dementia. Her live-in boyfriend of 9 years is putting her in a memory care facility, which she doesn't agree to or know about.

33 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions