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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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The simple answer is, sadly enough, you can’t. If Dad’s dementia has progressed to the point that he is delusional and paranoid, you won’t be able to convince him of anything, nor should you. It will only serve to upset him more.
Finances should not be a subject that’s discussed with him. He should not have access to his checkbook or bills. He won’t understand what he’s seeing or reading. If he asks, tell him everything is fine. His money is fine and no one has stolen it. If he’s been told he’s going on Medicaid because he doesn’t have any money, he will obsess about it and become very stressed. Use the Therapuetic Fib and tell him his money is fine. Redirect the conversation to something else.
I agree with Almijoy: You cannot convince your father of anything. Simply assure him that you are taking care of his finances and he doesn't need to worry about anything. Tell him that it is your turn to take care of him. I have to do this with my mother also. She cannot understand numbers at this point, but often asks me how much money she has. I tell her and do not hide anything, but do not go into detail she will not comprehend. If I do, she gets confused and agitated. Think of it like you would talk to a small child: answer the questions, but keep it simple.
My dad has dementia and he constantly asks about his money and how is my mother paying the bills. I just tell him we have plenty of money (we don't) and not to worry about it. He just says ok. Until he brings it up a couple days later again... If I said anything more, he'd get agitated and upset.
Assuming he’s not writing any checks anymore, why would you need to tell him all his money is gone? This is where the therapeutic fib comes in. Mom and I rarely talk money, just sometimes she wonders how she’s paying for the nice place. I tell her that her pension that she worked hard for and SS are covering it. They’re not of course but she’d be very upset to know shes also on Medicaid (The Dole, in her words). But if this is something you feel you need to tell him for some reason, and it’s upsetting to him, I would even show him a fake altered checkbook showing an inflated amount. Anything to let him feel everything’s being handled well and all right.
My Mom would say "we have to talk". She felt she needed money for Daycare and later the AL. Since she didn't leave the facilities for outings I told her all her needs were met and if she ever needed money I would bring it to her.
Thank You ALL so much, the information I've been given in the 13 months my Dad has been ill. Guess I should have completed my question. He wants this money to leave the care center. He is really insistent on it! Today his idea is to build a boat and live on it. He is legally blind, very hard of hearing, can't walk or stand on his own. He also has a permanent catheter/with bag attached. A Very bewildered desperate Son.
Ah, desperate and bewildered son, I see your dilemma! It is one thing to convince him he doesn't have to worry about finances, but quite another to not give him the money he wants.
Therapeutic fibs are still the way to go.
Focus on the non-financial aspects of the situation. He needs to get his strength back so he can walk again before he can leave the center. Then you can look at his finances.
Or get into his fantasy. "Let's make the plans first, and leave your money earning interest until you are ready." Can he see well enough to view enlarged screen pictures? Maybe you can view various kinds of boats online and discuss which would suit him. And then perhaps come up with some rough costs of what it would take to build one like that. Or research with him what kind of permits he would need. Or figure out where he could rent space for the building project. You're not turning him down, and you are sharing his interest, but you are not handing over non-existent money!
If he changes his mind to, say, restoring an old mill or church or something to live in, get into it with him and research all the details. Where is the nearest old building that might be suitable, etc.
With limited vision and hearing, these kinds of discussions will be challenging, but no more difficult that try to explain his financial situation, and a lot more fun.
yeah any kind of fib you can tell them is how you gotta do it. its sad but you cant talk "sensible talk". cant talk "reasonable talk"
you have to be ready to squirm out of situations. after sometime, you will be a pro!
I still catch myself trying to reason with my mom. sometimes I just stop, and say lets go for a walk! (even if person in wheelchair, if youre able to push)
if we just sit in her AL room then all kinds of uncomfortable conversations start to come up. now my moms train of thought is so broken, its gotten easier to change the subject. at first I felt so bad telling "lies". its very unnatural to look parent in the eyes and say something untruthful.
Jeannegibbs...perfect answer! Go along, stall. The planning will be interesting and fun. Assuage his money fears, even with doctored numbers if needed. This will be a therapeutic Plan, not just a fib. This will be a very loving project.
Again thank you all for your response & ideas. This has very difficult for me. My father is in Iowa & I'm living in Arizona. Impossible for us to be together. Getting into his delusion of building a boat is the ideal solution (at this time)? It might help in getting his mind off his surroundings. Though I don't think his capabilities are going to improve? He's to blind to see a pc/tv screen (so I'll work on mailing plans). He wasn't expected to live weeks (that was a year ago)? He needs 24hr nursing care. He just doesn't believe he does???
I actually do this with my 10 year old grandson who is on the autism spectrum. His dream is to build a restaurant complex. He loves for me to sit with him and draw all the facets of building the restaurant, even the menu! It’s fun!
Well I'm going to work on getting boat plans &work with Dad iin hopes that will distract his thoughts of getting out of the care center. I'll keep in touch. Thanks desperately trying to get Dad at ease.
I just received information that my Dad (confirmed dementia) continues to state (at times) my son-me & at other times his neighbors have stolen all his money!? I had to justify every penny to get Medicaid. The care center continues to reflect on this as if I did!? How can deal with this?? A son bewildered by all this!
the care center (not sure what kind of living arrangement that is sorry) should understand that elderly people have these issues? I know at my moms AL facility its pretty much a normal day to hear these types of things
I heard a male resident the other day. he stated he was looking for his brother because the brother owed him money.
I know it would be embarrassing to be accused. but facility should be used to that.
The care center my Dads at should be very clear on the common issues of a dementia patient's. What I seem to feel is, they use any outbursts as a reason to add/increase meds! My Dad has little of his own mind left & what I see is they want to take that away from him. They would be happy to have my Dad in a " vegetative state " and they want him to be in that state for as long as possible, extending his life by any and all means- income?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Finances should not be a subject that’s discussed with him. He should not have access to his checkbook or bills. He won’t understand what he’s seeing or reading. If he asks, tell him everything is fine. His money is fine and no one has stolen it. If he’s been told he’s going on Medicaid because he doesn’t have any money, he will obsess about it and become very stressed. Use the Therapuetic Fib and tell him his money is fine. Redirect the conversation to something else.
Therapeutic fibs are still the way to go.
Focus on the non-financial aspects of the situation. He needs to get his strength back so he can walk again before he can leave the center. Then you can look at his finances.
Or get into his fantasy. "Let's make the plans first, and leave your money earning interest until you are ready." Can he see well enough to view enlarged screen pictures? Maybe you can view various kinds of boats online and discuss which would suit him. And then perhaps come up with some rough costs of what it would take to build one like that. Or research with him what kind of permits he would need. Or figure out where he could rent space for the building project. You're not turning him down, and you are sharing his interest, but you are not handing over non-existent money!
If he changes his mind to, say, restoring an old mill or church or something to live in, get into it with him and research all the details. Where is the nearest old building that might be suitable, etc.
With limited vision and hearing, these kinds of discussions will be challenging, but no more difficult that try to explain his financial situation, and a lot more fun.
It will do him good to be taken seriously.
you have to be ready to squirm out of situations. after sometime, you will be a pro!
I still catch myself trying to reason with my mom. sometimes I just stop, and say lets go for a walk! (even if person in wheelchair, if youre able to push)
if we just sit in her AL room then all kinds of uncomfortable conversations start to come up. now my moms train of thought is so broken, its gotten easier to change the subject.
at first I felt so bad telling "lies". its very unnatural to look parent in the eyes and say something untruthful.
I heard a male resident the other day. he stated he was looking for his brother because the brother owed him money.
I know it would be embarrassing to be accused. but facility should be used to that.