My father lives with my sister and her husband. Dad has his own apt but insists when he is out that my brother in law is stealing. Anything he loses and can't find. He refuses to believe that he lost anything. That he isn't stupid and knows where he put his money, bank statements, sunglasses, etc. Due to covid, he rarely leaves his apt., so he's almost always home. My sister makes sure to take my dad shopping when her husband is at work but he still believes that my brother in law is stealing. Btw, my brother in law is very good to him. He drives Dad to bank, pharmacy and sometimes surprises Dad with his favorite fast food. He has known dad for over 40 years.
them. It’s a very common symptom. Can’t really fight or argue with it cause they are always trying to locate their own things.
them. It’s a very common symptom. Can’t really fight or argue with it cause they are always trying to locate their own things.
tell dad, he cannot safely keep his cards anymore... bank won't give them anhymore.... Here is $100 for the week.... don't spend it in one place dad :)
good luck, I don't know what to tell myself
Please get medical advice & to rule out other causes (there are some that mimic).
Losing things is due to problems with short term memory. Accusing others is one solution the brain comes up with to explain why the item is missing.
Fancy name confabulation:
'Confabulation is a symptom of various memory disorders in which made-up stories fill in any gaps in memory'.
Maybe try to re-label *stolen* to *mis-placed*? Dad, maybe your xx is just misplaced? Let's look for it.
One family I met bought 5 brown wallets from a thrift shop so there was more chance of it being found. The lady had quite advanced dementia. Being of Irish background she accepted that leprechauns were moving her things. She also blamed ghosts & the portrait of a Saint on her wall.
Ask your family to try to have sympathy. If it is dementia, there is no cure. Although sometimes medications for symptoms of anxiety/paranoia may be beneficial.
Although it sounds like a good work-around by taking dad shopping when BIL is working, perhaps it would be better to take dad shopping when BIL is WITH them both. That way, he can't be sneaking into dad's apt and stealing while you are away! Or, since he already takes him to the bank, etc, let him take dad shopping.
While it may not be possible, I did like the suggestion about setting up his apt to make it more difficult to hide anything, but that isn't always possible. It might require taking furniture, and other items away, and that will likely frustrate and/or anger him too!
Changing the subject, locating the "stolen" items, eliminating cash if possible and "working" with his reality is about all that can be done. Be sure to give sister and BIL a lot of support in this issue - reassure them both that you understand and know the accusations are not true.
My boyfriend's mom hid her keys, her purse, meds, etc and we had to go hunt for them nearly every day. I always tell the quarter story: She kept rolls of quarters in her purse. When dementia started, she unwrapped the rolls and dumped them everywhere (purse, chair, floor). Then would say her husband stole her quarters and would show you the rolls were missing from her purse. Actually, her rolls were missing......because they were no longer rolled. I rolled and rerolled and rerolled, putting them back in purse and showing her that they were found.
No point in arguing the subject. They are dead set that this is what it is and that's that. Best to change the subject if possible and try to locate whatever it is they have hidden when they are occupied elsewhere!
Bet you hate coin rolls...
When dad was going downhill, she got livid with him because she left her hearing aid on the table, and while clearing up, he picked it up and tried to eat it, ruining it of course! The funny part is many years later, after he was gone, she did the very same thing herself!!! That was before dementia kicked in (at least we weren't aware of it at that time, so if she did have early signs, maybe, but it was many years later before the signs were there for someone who knew nothing about dementia! Even then, it wasn't that bad - she was able to remain in her condo for a while before we could get a place for her.)
The sad part for our expense is that she misplaced one, with help found "it", but it was broken. I got her audiologist there to get her another (she only used one.) Later, during the whole move process, YB found another in her sheets. I think the broken one was likely the one she tried to eat and never threw it away. For the first few years in MC, she was okay with "managing" it, but already was neglecting to change the battery. I would have to check and do it when I visited. I asked staff to do this every 2 weeks, but it wasn't done. After a while, I would have to search her room, find it and get it to her. Under the bed, in the bed, on the end table, numerous places! Once when asked, she said she didn't wear one. Most often she would just ask where I found it. Sadly it went through the laundry and was ruined. The new ones (got a pair, but set up both for the same ear) were rechargeable so I gave the charger to the nurse, otherwise that would disappear! She also didn't have enough sense to charge it. Number 1 didn't last but a few months. She kept taking it out and would often wrap it in tissue or a napkin. Most likely it got tossed at the end of meal time. Number 2, more often than not, is taken away from her. A lot of good it does if you don't get her to wear it! I know they can't watch her 24/7 with the damn thing. I've already decided if this one goes, no more. Sad but it isn't worth spending the money when they lose or damage it!
Although sometimes we can't and that explosion happens, try to let it slide as best you can. As noted, you ARE only human and we can only take so much!!! The probable good news is that he likely won't remember it! At least we can hope he doesn't! Of course you do, but it is a fleeting moment and if he doesn't remember, let it go!
Be sure to get some "respite" care, if you can. You need and deserve it!
Paranoia is a well documented behavior of dementia. It’s annoying, yes, but it won’t last forever. Dementia is a progressive disease, so the paranoia will be replaced by something equally annoying :)
All you can do is tell them that you don’t think that’s true at all and then change the subject. You will never be able to change their mind. In their broken mind, that’s their reality now.
Even worse is saying to sit them down and tell them this is how it will be. This DOESN'T work! They can forget you said it in a matter of minutesor less! They don't understand that what they are saying/doing is not normal. Negative feedback can occur with this kind of "treatment" as well. You don't want to burn your bridges down, if you need to continue being a care-giver or loving family member.
You don't demand or threaten those with dementia as it doesn't work. It will likely lead to anger, frustration and breakdown of any relationship. You often have to "play along" with the scenario and/or find a way to change the topic, refocus them onto something else.
GO and read up everything you can about dementia. Then perhaps you will understand. Your mind is set on one level only, that these people are behaving badly and they *MUST* change! No, it is YOU who needs to change. We need to adjust our own reality to deal with those who have these horrible afflictions. Would you tell a person with cancer that they have to cure it? Or tell someone with a heart defect that they need to do all they can to make it better? This is no different. These are medical conditions that have NO cure, very little in the way of treatment and are NOT the fault of those who have one of these awful conditions.
A few strategies. Give him a reloadable debit card or gift card with only a small amount of value to cover sundries. Then, if dad loses it, it isn't a huge loss. Banish cash from his life. Next, streamline his apartment so there are not too many places to "hide" anything. If something goes missing, the hunt will be easier. Try to create "homes" where things "live" all the time: money and credit cards in wallet, wallet and keys in top drawer in bedroom, glasses on face or on bedside tale or table by chair. When he does misplace something, say something like "I know how frustrating it is when I can't find something that I need. Usually, it's because I set it down someplace while thinking about something else. Let's look together and see where it may have gone."
If dad starts his usual grumble about "him" taking his stuff, don't engage in that conversation. Try to divert his conversation to another topic. BTW, dad may have had a sibling or other person in his past that used to "borrow" his things without asking. He may be reliving those moments.
I know I try to put things in a "usual" place, but sometimes in haste things get put down to tend to something else, then I have to backtrack through anything I did to locate it! So far it hasn't been keys in the freezer types of misplacement or me trying to hide something, just put down to free up hands to tackle something, then frustrating trying to locate it!
just like with a person of any age if this type of behavior is excused and coddled it will continue and get worse- the only way to handle it Is to use a tough love no enabling approach, draw a hard line in the sand if he continues to cross it then life needs to be less comfortable for him so that the brother in law and wife can retain their health and sanity
Yes, there are those who are naturally nasty and accusatory like this, BUT for those who were NOT like this before and this behavior crops up, then the flags go up.
Rather than just ASSUME this person is a nasty awful person (rather pretentious of you to accuse OPs dad of these things - you don't know him or them), it is best to take stock, have dad examined and rule out any possible medical issues. There ARE conditions that can mimic early dementia and many are treatable. One is undetected UTIs. While most times UTIs make themselves known through pain, many elders don't experience that. Our mother's first UTI after moving to MC resulted in severe sun-downing. She was, prior to that, well behaved, compliant and well liked by the staff. During treatment, low dose anti-anxiety had to be used to keep her from exploding every afternoon! After treatment, we didn't need it again. Subsequent UTIs have manifested as night time bed wetting.
IF this is dementia, no amount of confronting him, sitting him down to explain, threatening him, etc is going to work. In his mind, someone is stealing. It has nothing to do with his demeanor, it is how someone with dementia deals with items that are misplaced and missed. You can't argue with or reason with dementia. It is what it is. The best you can do is try to mitigate. Help him look for what's missing. Find a way to distract him with something else. Replace items that can be replaced, if you can't find them hidden somewhere.
It took hindsight to realize my mother's few complaints about someone stealing and/or taking items were very early signs of dementia. I knew nothing about dementia until she started repeating herself all the time and I knew something was wrong. Looking back, that explains those accusations. Sure, the first one she made *could* have been someone taking items, but isn't likely. The last one was accusing my OB of taking her tweezers, of all things!!! WHO would steal tweezers I asked her? They are like $2 to buy! She was adamant that he took them. There was no way to convince her otherwise, so I dropped it. I bought her another one and later, when clearing out her place, I found THREE sets in the bathroom drawer and about 5-6 in a dresser drawer!
FWIW, my mother was NEVER like this before. It WAS the dementia playing it's tricks on her mind. As a matter of fact, I can attest that it REALLY messes with their minds. Several times, before dementia showed itself, she would say she needed to clear out stuff, in case she "ever had to get outta here." When I asked what she meant, where would she go, she said AL. SO, that was in HER plans. Enter dementia. It LIES the the person. At that point, in her mind, she was fine, she was independent, she could cook. Nope. So, at this point AL was considered worse than a dungeon and she would NOT consider moving ANYWHERE. She was just FINE, thank you. Not.
Please stop assuming.