He believes this because he, “Didn’t say I do to living with a lunatic." They used to have a happy marriage, but he showed who he is when my mom went downhill. All the typical stuff, hoarding, hiding things, etc. They moved closer to me in PA in the boonies away from busy NYC. They’re bored, as expected. They could have moved to Boca where my sister lives, with so many things for their age group to do. I have a full-time, stressful job and young kids. My husband is an only child and his mom also has dementia. He hired care for her, and still does plenty for her. My dad has a lot of money put away, but is looking for cheap labor and refuses to pay the hourly cost for care that agencies charge. He fully believes it should be my job as the eldest daughter. Now he has taken to going to NY to visit his friends and leaves her alone, even overnight. I go get her and bring her to my house of course, but that means I have to take off work. She can’t be alone and he knows that. I also take her for the weekend occasionally to give him a break but that’s not enough. As a busy mom with kids and the need to get my own stuff done on my days off, I don’t take her as often as he’d like. He’s gotten nasty with me, and that was never our relationship before. I do have power of attorney and need to figure out how to use his money to pay for her care. I have suggested care, joining the Y for activities, him joining a support group, I take care of all the banking, found a lawyer and a social worker, to help with their paperwork. I’m considering taking a legal approach. I know that Florida and NY have something like spousal refusal where financial help kicks in for the spouse who needs it, but not in PA.
I would contact law enforcement next time he leaves her and get her transported to the hospital as a vulnerable senior. Then let the courts deal with his sorry self. That means you don't rush over and bail him out, you stay clear and call 911.
I would let them place your mom in a facility and let the courts deal with your dad. He is legally her next of kin and has ALL the responsibility to care for her.
Next time you talk with your dad tell him I said he is a dirty dog for abandoning his wife in her greatest hour of need and a pig for trying to dump his responsibility on his children. What a piece of crap he is being. Sorry, I know he is your dad but...
Maybe they could separate or divorce and she gets her half. You could use it to place her in memory care, where she’ll be better off with lots of people to look after and socialize with her. That would be a lot better than living with a mean spirited husband who no longer likes her.
This may be a shot in the dark - but he could already have a girlfriend who is able to enjoy his life with him.
You, however, should not have to pick up the pieces.
I wouldn’t sign up for doing any hands on caregiving. Your mother in all likelihood will linger years and your priority at this time in your life is your young family. Make sure your siblings know what you will and won’t do. As an eldest daughter myself it’s b-s for your father to assume this all should fall on you. What a jerk.
Good luck to you.
She needs to be placed in AL, then he can live his life on his own terms, that might be ticket to get him to part with some of his money. A tradeoff.
Your mother has rights, an attorney may be the best option in resolving this issue.
If it is no one, or your Dad, I would consider taking her to an elder law attorney to change DPoA to you *IF* you want to be the one managing her affairs. An attorney would interview her to see if she has capacity (and don't make assumptions, since mild memory loss and mild cognitive impairment is not necessarily considered incapacitated). Then you can talk to the attorney about the financial piece to make sure she has access to all their funds.
If you say your Dad wasn't like this in the past, please consider that he, too, may be on the cognitive decline -- his symptoms are just different than your Mom's. Dementia robs people of their memory, reason, logic, sense of time, inhabitions and empathy for others. Does this sounds like him? Does he have a DPoA? Or, he is depressed from burnout, which is totally possible.
You are not obligated to provide the money or hands-on care for their assistance going forward. No one, including your Dad, can "assume" someone into the caregiving role. If your Mom needs AL this is not something Medicaid pays for in most states. I don't think you'll be able to force or guilt your Dad to provide her care. Reporting him to APS if he leaves her alone may be your only leverage with him, if he's rational. If he gets nasty/threatening to you or your Mom, call 911 immediately (even just a verbal threat). This may snap him back to reality. That being said, start with showing him solutions, and consequences if he doesn't take responsible action. Ask him the question, "If things were reversed, and you were the one with dementia...would you want Mom to treat you like this?"
It seems to me like your father does not want to live with your mother anymore. He also does not want to spend any money on her care.
He can't get everything he wants. He should not have to live with her anymore if he doesn't want to, but it's going to cost him. Either it will be live-in care being paid for at home, or your mother canbe placed in a managed care facility.
Stop letting him take advantage of you. It is not your responsibility to assume the responsibility of your mother with dementia.
He is her husband and that falls to him if he still has it together well enough to make care arrangements for her.
The next time he leaves her alone, you don't go to pick her up. You make an anonymous call the the police and tell them that an elderly woman with dementia has been left alone by her husband.
The cops will put a little heat on him for that. Not too much but it will force him to make some care decisions for his wife.
What he “fully believes” about the role of “the eldest daughter” has ZERO foundation in fact, and NO, it is NOT your job.
If you think he actually is cognitively intact, you can/should/must LAY DOWN THE LAW (literally) that your mother IS NOT to be left alone, and that you will report him to the authorities if he (HE) continues to casually assume that you’ll take responsibility if he won’t.
YES ABSOLUTELY if you have planned a better legal path than the one I’ve mentioned, USE IT.
This is neither safe nor fair for anyone involved, NOT EVEN HIM!
many of us have had caregiving dumped on us, whether it's siblings running away, or the spouse running away --
...or not totally running away, but on purpose not doing tasks, so you're the one stuck with the emergencies/stress/admin/organizing/everything.
"I do have power of attorney and need to figure out how to use his money to pay for her care."
exactly. please do so.
(be aware, that it's not enough just to have POA in order to access bank accounts. you father has to agree, and physically go the bank with you to sign the specific bank forms).
the only way for tasks to be taken off your back, is to find money to hire caregivers. delegate tasks to other people.
I agree that Mom is entitled to half of the assets. So take her to an elder lawyer to have their assets split, her split going to her care and when its gone Medicaid gets applied for. Why leave her in the hands of a man who does not want to care for her when she could be happy in an Assisted Living.