After years of trying to get him go to the doctor my dad was diagnosed with advanced dementia. In April the doctor said he will likely need assisted-living by the summer. The family including him talked about it and he agreed to go into the assisted living center near my house and at least try it for three months. Part of the issue was he was unable to remember to take his medication and we were hoping getting the medication consistently would be helpful. He begrudgingly agreed to do three months. When we began the process he would periodically freak out. Even though he originally picked out a 2 Bedroom Apartment at the senior living center every time he went back to look at it he forgot he had been there before and would get Really angry saying it’s like a prison why are we doing this to him etc. By the time moving in happened he had deteriorated even more. He’s been in there less than two weeks and is so depressed. He absolutely hates it there and wants to move back to his house but literally can’t carry out the smallest tasks anymore. He’s blaming it on the upheaval and I wonder if that could be part of it? Ultimately the issues he was having living at home were manageable if we were to get someone to go to his house and make sure he takes his medication and check on him. It’s just that we had all decided together because of what we know is to come he would move closer to us into the living center that is able to provide different levels of care And we moved forward with that. He has a driving test next week and he will lose his license. There’s a lot of underlying issues that deal with him being triggered with childhood trauma based on living in a facility like that. Within the first week he was absolutely miserable And depressed. One day he said he feels comfortable there and he likes it the next day he is absolutely irate and going downstairs asking the front desk how long is he there for and when can he leave etc. Even though it’s just a senior living facility and they bring you three meals a day snacks and just help him take his medication. I don’t know how to help him understand what’s going on and the reality is that if he really wants to leave there’s nothing we can do to stop him. The reality also is that he lacks the ability to do it. Any insight would be incredibly helpful. Thank you!
It is very possible that your father’s condition has NOT deteriorated, but rather that you are seeing behavior that he was previously trying to conceal from his family. Very few new residents in full time care adjust comfortably after two weeks, and MUCH more time should be given him to adjust before even considering changing in his surroundings again.
”Reasoning” is no longer a function of his brain that is useful for him.
He will NOT be “happy” or “comfortable” or “content”, because his brain is losing more and more ability to work every single day.
Your attempts to “help him understand” are not useful or helpful.
He is NOT being “triggered” by childhood trauma. His behavior is resulting from his dementia tia.
You and your family have lovingly decided that he needs consistent, compassionate care, and you have found a place where care can be provided for him. He may need anti-depressant medication and/or mood stabilizers to get through his adjustment to full time care.
Short visits from family members in very small groups will help his adjustment.
EVERYONE who enters residential care “wants to leave”, but sometimes that is not possible. The “best” thing for someone suffering from dementia is not always something that makes the patient and the whole family “happy” at LEAST NOT AT FIRST.
You have made the BEST decision for your father. Trust yourselves and be at peace that he is now safer, and in a situation where his needs can be monitored consistently.
Dementia is very different for each person. What worked in one case may be a complete failure with someone else. I do know that the confusion of a failing mind and loss of memory is universally difficult for the person and their family. The person has difficulty waking in a new place and not recognizing where they are or why they are there. The family has difficulty adjusting to the fact their LO can discuss and agree to a course of action, totally forget about it, and express great anger where the "agreed-upon plan" is implemented. Although intellectually we know our LOs have memory problems, we frequently miss (at least initially) the implications of that loss.
There may be many good reasons (your mental health) to explain things to your Dad. His understanding isn't one of them
Is your dad social? If not it will be harder. By the time my dad decided it wasn’t beneath him to play bingo he looked forward to it every day. He found a group of men to sit with at meals that he enjoyed. Does this facility have activities? If so, can you be there during some of them to encourage his participation. I would often plan my visits to my dad when he was in LTC during a game time like bingo or dominoes and participate with him. Can you visit with the director and have them help get your dad included and also find some men to talk with? Just know what he is going through is typical. They aren’t used to group living first of all, and the new routine and surroundings are difficult with dementia.
Your family made the right decision, try to go with the spirit that he is safe, getting care and having opportunities for socializing. He will want to blame you but you aren’t the bad guy, the brain disease is that made this decision necessary. Know that many of us have been right where you are.
Watch Teepa Snow videos to see how she teaches caregivers to interact with dementia patients. That might be helpful for you.
You can’t make him understand. If it makes you feel better to discuss it with him, then there is that, but each conversation is complete unto the moment. He won’t retain much if any of it. Keep telling him he is doing great, you are proud of him, you are glad you can stop in to see him, he really likes his new place, you like it too and you know he likes the food and the nice staff. He was so wise to choose such a nice place. Etc. I hope he adjusts soon. I know it feels sad to see him there. I hope you get two positive days in a row very soon.
Are any of you POA for your dad? If you are and since he's been diagnosed with dementia, whoever the POA would have the final say as to where dad will end up. Even if dad says he wants to leave, he wouldn't be able to.
Continuing to move him will only confuse him more. He just needs time to adjust to his new living arrangements, and if he needs to be given an antidepressant for his depression, then have the Dr. prescribe it.
I'm sure this is very hard on you, but you must now do what is in the best interest of you dad and his safety. Here's hoping things will calm down for all of you as time goes by.
My Mom is so advanced in her decline that she doesn't remember how to do much other than get dressed and go to meals. On occassion, she will get her nails manicured and her hair done. The routine there is helpful, and we take her out and visit to keep her engaged with us, family, and friends. She gets very anxious with anything new, so we have to be careful about how long she visits us or we visit her.
I learned here at Agingcare.com that "safety trumps happiness," and it's very true. Every doctor agrees that she needs 24/7 monitoring and I've finally come to terms with it. I don't think she will completely, but at least she now accepts that she lives there. Do what you know in your heart is right for your father, since you now have to make those decisions in his best interest. Best wishes to all who struggle with this.
See All Answers