My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
I think it's you that needs some help here and need to reevaluate what exactly you're doing here. This is not going to get any better you know. You and your children deserve so much better. But I don't think you know that yet. You obviously have had issues in your past that makes you believe that you deserve to be disrespected and have to support a man.
I'm here to tell you that you're doing it all wrong, and I hope after you read more of the responses on here that you will have a "lightbulb" moment, and perhaps even back out of the closing of the house. That is unless it's just for you and your children.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!
Sorry, sounds like he is using you and creating a situation where you will be financially dependent on him. Red flags of abuse are frantically waving as I read this.
If you buy this house, this is what your life will be. A lazy, disrespectful male, doing whatever he wants, regardless of how it effects you.
You should run now and let him figure it out with his mommy.
Break up with the "boyfriend".
These two sound like professional grifters.
Don't be their victim.
understand this isn’t a good knee jerk solution to her problem and that it’s not being disrespectful to her to try and find other ways to fix it without her moving in with us for what could be a long time and he just has no idea what caregiving entails.
I hope you feel better for venting (I mean it, I hope you feel better), and I hope he's calmed down a bit too, and perhaps both of you could ask MIL what the situation is and what she wants to do about it.
And if you really can't discuss this issue in a constructive way, the two of you, presenting a supportive but united front to other people you care about - then why are you buying a house together? Maybe you're dodging a bullet.
visit and now that won’t be what it’s used for and I should have an equal say in who lives in our house. I couldn’t qualify for a loan by myself, and he couldn’t make a large down payment but could easily get a loan because he has a great job. It’s an equal financial deal and he treats it as such, he just thinks he has no choice but to move her in with us. He’s the only child or family she has so he feels extremely guilty. I have laid out my boundaries and I will stick to them, I just don’t think he realizes that I won’t back down or give in when it affects my health or my children. I only feel He’s disrespectful in the sense that he thinks his mom has the RIGHT to live here, he’s not taking into account that it’s my home too and just because he has obligations and responsibilities to her, that doesn’t mean I do. I think it’s disrespectful that he thought it was a GIVEN that she would move in, not to ask what I thought about it first. Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he was shocked at her news about her financial mess and he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her, not even the moving in specifically, just in general. He wanted me to know we might be strapped for cash if he needed to help her out was his point.
Of course your daughter is on HER own also, and just as well. We own a two flat and live in the upper. Our agreement before buying is that NO FAMILY or FRIENDS EVER live downstairs. Has worked for 34 years really really well.
He is not the man for you. He is looking for you to bankroll a house for him and his Mum and to be her full time caregiver. Run while you still can.
Edited:
I just read your reply that was posted when I first made my post.
I really truly hope you consider getting therapy asap. I hear echoes in your words of things I woudl have said years ago, when I thought I had firm boundaries, but in reality was bring gas lighted.
Your boyfriend is not going to "hear" what you have to say about the amount of work and level of care his mother will need in the future. He just does not want to hear it.
Your last line:
"Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her." He needs to sit down right now and think about how HE is going to provide care, especially as SHE will not be in YOUR house.
I think you know the answer or you wouldn't have posted. Back out now. Do not put any money down and if you have to, pay the penalty for backing out. Then re-evaluate your relationship. What I see is you ending up paying the rent and all Mom's needs. Me, I would be finding a place of my own. You are going from the fire into the frying pan. You deserve much more than this man is willing to give. No matter what you say to him, you will become Moms caregiver.
He has made it clear that he WILL do whatever he feels he needs to and it doesn't matter what you say, do or feel. This is from your own words here. You are not hearing him and you will pay the price for thinking you can change his declared stance.
Quite frankly I could never understand why any self respecting woman would marry a mommy's boy. Personally, I wanted and got a real man.
There are many posts on this forum where a OP moved a parent in and when the caring got too much, they couldn't get the patent out. One reason, the parent wouldn't go.
Tell him that he is not responsible to physically care for his Mom. If he is working and needs to work for more years, he should not even consider her moving in. If she is afraid of not having enough money, then maybe your BF should take over her finances. He budgets her money. Get rid of credit cards. At 84 she shouldn't need much. My Mom chose not to have credit cards. If she couldn't with pay cash, she didn't get it. Get her a card where so much is put on it a month and when its gone its gone. Keep her in her house as long as possible. When she needs help, you go from there. He can care for Mom without her living with you.
Your signature, YOUR debt.
Do you understand the obligation you are taking on by taking out this mortgage? Unless you can make the payments ON YOUR OWN, do not take it out.
Do you live in a community property state?
Do you have a lawyer advising you who has YOUR best interests at heart?
Meaning that he won't be able to pay the mortgage.
Run. Away. Now.
He might "just" be a Mama's Boy.
Or they might be professionals at doing this. I'm serious. Duping nice women into signing onto mortgages.
Blended families are tricky at the best of times and in the best of circumstances. How old is your son?
months ago and I told him I’d fix up my sons bedroom upstairs for her that has its own bathroom and he thought I was being rude abs disrespectful because he thought we should give her OUR bedroom because it was the “best” in the house and I’ve never heard of putting your mother or father in the couples bedroom, it’s awkward abs gross to ask them to stay in your personal space
ans bed I think. Not to mention I would have had to move everything I own out of the bedroom for me to feel comfortable having her in my personal space. I was raised that guests stay in the guest room or a child’s room and you make the room look as impersonal as possible, like a hotel/spa room for when they stay so they don’t feel like they have put you out or feel uncomfortable being in you personal space. I just think he was raised differently with different values and ideas about how to respect your elders than I was and he feel like I’m the one being selfish saying I don’t want her to stay in my bedroom when she visits or live in my house. I’ve told him I understand if it was an emergency and there were no other options, but that I would be very uncomfortable with having her here for what could be years and if she needed increasing care I wouldn’t be able to take care of her.
How you can 'convince' him of your position on this matter is to refuse to sign on the dotted line for this mortgage. In my opinion, that would be the only way to make him understand your position here.
Otherwise, you will likely move into this house, be responsible for the lions share of the mortgage, the care & management of the mother AND the upkeep of the house due to the b/f's laziness, have no room for your daughter when she comes to visit, and find yourself in an untenable position you won't know how to get OUT of.
Your best bet, imo, is not to get INTO such a position to begin with. Which is what everyone else is telling you but not what you want to hear. When a man puts his mother first, the wife or the g/f comes second, and I have no idea how you can change that mindset. Perhaps couples therapy would give you some good ideas that we are missing the mark on.
Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
I would not close on this house.
I understand there would be a financial penalty for not closing,and since it is your money, it will be your penalty, but better 10,000 flushed away than 34,000.
I would pay the penalty and I would move on. ALONE. Get a job. Raise my children. Buy a small mobile home in a nice trailer park almost free and clear and live a good life.
I think that you already knew, from what you have said, who your boyfriend is, and it is terrible decision making to have bought a home with him. I hope that you are BOTH on the deed if this goes through. I hope that you will then force the sale of this home when the Mother moves in. Legally you can do that, either party to the deed can do so. I hope meanwhile you will keep your finances separate and begin to save for what I am certain is coming, a move out.
I would not argue this issue.
I would tell him that his mother moving in would be a deal breaker. I would leave at once. I would not argue the issue.
You describe your boyfriend as lazy (10-12 hour shifts???), disrespectful, and a mommy's boy. Why you bought a home with him is to me absolutely beyond my comprehension or ability to guess.
Each of us can tell you what WE would do; what you do is entirely your own decision and we only wish the very best for you going forward.
But the "he's a tyrannical monster forcing me to sleep on the floor and provide 24/7 care for my overweight (non-)MIL who is a financially irresponsible whinge-bag and idiot" polemic is the kind of hyperbole people are driven to when they have just had a full-blown plates-throwing row.
See also the Pallisers, fictional husband and wife, whose argument about constitutional integrity in a democracy escalates into his declaring that he will order shoes without number from a certain shoemaker in their town and her vowing to ruin the same shoemaker and drive him out of business forever. Neither is silly or cruel, so neither would do either thing.
In this real-life instance, there are serious questions to be asked in a considered manner about how best to support MIL's wellbeing and security at such a distance (or indeed whether it's best for her to stay at such a distance), especially in the light of recent information. The OP does not *really* fail to respect her boyfriend's mother, the boyfriend is not *really* going to move mother in over the OP's dead body. But there are several doubtful factors which I suspect neither the OP nor the boyfriend have thought through about their future together, and I hope it isn't wishful thinking that's driving them both on.
And I still want to know what MIL says about it.
Your boyfriend has shown you quite clearly he is not willing to openly and honestly talk about this situation - it is his way or no way... your needs, fears, considerations and your daughter are not part of this whole situation - which, is an indication that if this is the way it is prior then this is how it will be later. You have an responsibility for your daughter - not his mother. That is HIS responsibility - not yours. Even if you were to move in together or get married - ultimately, it is his - physically and financially.
Have him provide you with exactly 'how' he is planning to take care of his mother when he works full time. And what and how he expects you to do and take care of. But know that what is said today can easily change tomorrow. And if you are working, who will be home with his mother to take care of her? If you are already strapped for cash with the house purchase, how are you going to afford the outside caretakers to take care of his mother when no one is home except her?
Another question I have is why are you purchasing a house when you cannot truly afford it on your own? What if he leaves you and you are left with the house, the payments, the property taxes and insurance and all the maintenance? Or what if you want to leave him, but can't since you are now literally tied to a house together?
After living on this Earth for nearly 7 decades, married numerous times, seeing so much in life - both good and bad - I would highly caution you to review why you are making such a large purchase at this time with a relationship that has many unresolved and unsettling issues. You may have known this person since you were a teen, but who we are as a teenager is not who we are as we grow and experience life.
You have to approach this fully knowing that you are not going to 'make' him see anything that he doesn't want to see or keep an open mind and attitude about. That has never worked for anyone.
Oh, hon. This is sad. You KNOW you deserve better, but you’re shrugging it off with “oh well, nobody’s perfect”. It sounds like you’re just taking what you can get. Why? What’s keeping you there?
Prior to meeting my husband, I was with guys who I stuck with just because they were there. I settled for less because it seemed better than being alone. So what if these guys ignored what I wanted, or didn’t make me priority, and barely told me they loved me? Hey, nobody’s perfect!
Besides, it’s too scary to start over.
Yeah. I let myself be used and emotionally abused for years. All it got me was a broken heart, broken spirit and feeling 10x worse about myself. And thankful I never moved in with or invested any real money in them.
I realized my husband was a keeper because he listened to me and didn’t put anyone, including his Mom, over me.
It sounds like you’re going to close on the house and do as he wants. I hope you truly act on knowing you deserve better. This sounds like a crossroads in your relationship, and hopefully you’ll choose the best path for you.
Please heed what the commenters have said.
You know deep down what you should do. Do it.
Keep us updated.
I want you to watch a movie this weekend. Moonstruck, with Cher and Nicholas Cage.
Take it very seriously.
Have you at least run this arrangement by an attorney?
Mom's 100K profit from selling her home? She won't have 100K, that reverse mortgage will have to be paid off out of any proceeds.
Run, run as fast as you can.