Hi. I’m a 33 year old female and I’m really struggling with my 65 year old mother. Well, she wants a grandchild from me even though she already has 2 grandkids from my brother who are still little.
I don’t feel comfortable having a baby because even though I’m in a serious relationship, I feel like my boyfriend is abusive sometimes. I think he might have bipolar disorder because his personality changes all the time. I already told my mom that even though I’m still with my boyfriend our relationship is not always well. Then she told me: “Well, maybe a baby could change him”. What???? That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. A baby is not a magic pill who will solve my problems or change my boyfriend. If anything, kids are stressful and a huge responsibility. I don’t want more stress than what I already have.
Even if I told her my boyfriend and I struggle in our relationship she still goes on and on that having a baby is wonderful. She doesn’t understand it’s my choice. I used to ignore her comments but I’m already sick of having to make her understand that I won’t bring a human being into this world if I don’t have stability in my relationship. I don’t want to put up a fake smile for a baby while I might be miserable inside dealing with my own problems.
My mom seems obsessed about being a grandma. One time I went on vacation with my parents for a week and all she did during the entire trip was talk about her grand daughter and how much she “missed her”. When I talk to my mom about my job, my dream of buying a house, or going to Europe with her, she acts like it’s a boring thing to talk about. All she cares is about me having children. She thinks that should be my ultimate goal in life.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because she brought the subject again when I clearly explained children were not on my plans. Since she goes to church, she told me that I should listen to the preacher’s message. I heard it and the preacher was basically praying for all women that couldn’t conceive. The message was about reproduction. Ahhhhh why is she so stubborn? I feel like I will have to cut her off from my life if she treats me like a child making machine and not an actual human being.
What can I do to make her understand it’s a personal choice?
Your mom treats you like a child.
She's willing to withhold her approval and is dismissive of you if you go off script and talk about normal adult things like buying a home or traveling. She doesn't care if you have a child in or out of a good or bad relationship. That's not relevant to her. This is all about getting her needs met, not those of you or your child. In her mind you might as well push out that grandaughter for her pronto, and she can continue to insert herself into your life as well as the baby's. She's at the ready to pick up the pieces if your relationship fails. That's why she's down the street from you.
No. More. Kid. Talk.
Remove yourself from the conversation when she gets going. If she persists then no more talking/visiting.
Also, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Your mood swinging boyfriend with a temper. If it were one of your friends you would tell them...what?
Same applies to him as to mom - you can't change other people. IF he has times when he is abusive, more often than not that will increase over time. Not in a week, or two, a month, a year, but gradually over time it can increase. The problem is that it is insidious - you won't notice it since it is so gradual.
Perhaps he is okay, perhaps not. It's just very common to have these incidents, and then apologies and being okay... for a while. Rinse. Repeat.
In a discussion with one of my kids' teachers, she related all these with her husband. She'd leave with the kids, and he'd come crawling, all apologies, promising to never do it again... You get the picture. IF this resembles your relationship, AT ALL, then you are in for trouble. Be honest with yourself. You don't have to answer to us, but you DO have to look out for yourself.
My ex was a master at verbal abuse. It wasn't until HE went to a counselor to paint ME as the bad guy, with intent to fight to take the kids (his way to hurt me, he never really spent his time with the kids when they were with him!) I only went because I suspected he was up to no good. After one visit each, then another together, this counselor threw it all at him! Guilty of verbal abuse and neglect! So, it opened my eyes. By then I was starting to think this was all my fault (also part of their game.)
Only you know what he's really like. Sure, you can love him, when he's not being abusive, but....
"The reason why I’m still with my boyfriend is because I love him. He can be nice and sweet sometimes but I think he has some underlying problems, as he gets angry over small things and he switches personalities often."
This doesn't sound hopeful. Being angry sometimes, even over small things, we can all be there, but changing personality? Time for a good long look at how this is going and how it will end.
You ARE the correct one here. The worst thing to do in an iffy relationship is add a baby/child to it!
Ignoring her hasn't seemed to work. Perhaps a little fib, telling her you've tried and been tested and found out you are infertile? Anything just to shut her up (although I can verbalize the next steps in my head...)
Personally I would just continue ignoring her. When she starts, suddenly you have to go - appt, work, meeting, whatever, no excuse at all, just say gotta go and leave or hangup the phone.
I wanted kids, but did not like being treated as just the vessel that brought them forth for my then MIL. Literally, that's all I was. I could be mid-sentence and realize she wasn't listening, focused on the kids. That's fine, but most people will realize and at some point ask "What were you saying?" Not with this one. She tried to monopolize as much time as she could get and still wasn't happy about it. I understand her "need", because her own mother died when she was 15, so never got to be a grandmother. My SIL, her daughter, never had any kids, didn't want any, so I was it. However it was a BIT over the top.
FWIW, my daughter at about age 5 announced she didn't want to have kids. She hasn't and it isn't likely she will. That is fine, it's her life, her body. Doesn't matter if I want grandkids or not. Not My Choice!
Try not to let her pushing and comments eat at you. It IS your life, not hers. It IS your choice, not hers. If you have some headphones, pop them in, smile at her as you dance away for the door. You aren't likely to change her. We can only change ourselves and how we react to situations. It isn't likely she will ever understand or accept your stance on this, so it is pointless to argue, explain or discuss this with her. Tune her out and Exit Stage Left when she starts.
You never know. She *might* eventually get the hint, if you keep at it.
Also, be more aware of BF. You don't want to get stuck in an abusive relationship. Mom you can learn to tune out, BF will be more difficult.
Be ok with being you.
Time for some Billy Joel:
I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE
And my personal favourite...
You can speak your mind, but not on my time
Don't have a discussion with her about kids. If she starts, you say you don't want to discuss it, please stop. If it starts again, tell her you are going to have to leave if she can't talk about something else. One more time, leave. When you talk about things you want to do in life - don't discuss it as a reply to her pushing you to have kids. Just talk about your hopes/dreams when there is no discussion about kids.
This is no where near a good reason to cut her out of your life. Just get more control over the conversation - do NOT respond to comments about kids. Say 'stop' and change the subject or leave so she gets it that the conversation is off limits.
But it surprises me that my mom’s only concern is her dream of having a grand baby. She seems to not care about my well being at all because I’ve talked to her about my boyfriend’s character but she still thinks I should reproduce anyway.
she is also creepy sometimes because a year ago she moved closer to me (down the street). And she told me she did that because she needed to take care of my future baby. I never even spoke about having any babies and she’s making her own plans. A little weird....
A little??? I think I would move and leave no forwarding address!!
I have 4 daughters and 1 son. One thing I NEVER EVER EVER discussed with them was the extremely personal choice about having children. EVER.
I have 14 grandkids. They are all amazing and wonderful and enjoyable and all that stuff---and I am fulfilled. BUT, I was fulfilled as a mother, too.
My youngest daughter is not having children. She thought it would break my heart, although I don't know why she'd think that! I can love on the gkids that I have AND not miss the ones I 'don't' have. My eldest daughter was on the fence about having kids and waited 10 years of marriage before she decided to have kids. I never bothered her one bit--having raised 5 kids, I KNEW it was not a cakewalk and that it came with equal amounts of joy and heartache. When my OD told us she was having a baby, I thought she was going to tell us that she was having a tubal ligation so she couldn't get pregnant. Being a mom has been very hard on her, she is not naturally nurturing, and she's has some hard moments. She has no regrets, but having 3-10+ lb babies has wreaked havoc on her body, for sure. And her career has been derailed--trying to get back into it is hard when you take 15 years off!
YD is having a tubal ligation this year to celebrate her 35th birthday. She and her hubby are fabulous as an aunt and uncle and they enjoy the grands, but have zero desire to have kids. NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHATSOEVER.
"Mom, I don't believe you are done appreciating your own child yet."
We had to have a "Coming to Jesus" talk with mom. Explaining that I didn't HEAR the biological clock ticking. Sister 1 wanted a career and travel. Sister 2 simply didn't want children. Then point out that SHE had HER choice, leave me have mine. You need to point out the hurtful things, the selfish way she is acting and the dissapointment you feel because you are not HER baby factory. She'll get it. PS You will have to repeat this speech to her again, and again, and.....
Agree with text below, dump the boyfriend. He is not good for you either. Do not settle or wait for the worst to happen.
And while you’re at it, please find a new boyfriend.
Your mom calling to talk about the preacher's sermon on women and reproduction was not her not being "stubborn". It's being rude, disrespectful, and cruel. Please stand up for yourself to your mother.
Is your brother your only sibling? If he is then the next time mom gets on you about having a baby because she wants many grandkids, tell her that she should have thought of that when she was still in her child-bearing years. It was her responsibility to make sure there was a baby in the cradle every year like devout, old-school Catholics. If she did this when she was young and had a dozen kids then she'd have a whole bunch of grandkids now.
She didn't do that though. It's not up to you to fulfill her wishes of having babies around.
There's a volunteer program that's sort of like Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, except it's for kids who don't have grandparents. Someone like your mom would probably be great for some kid who needs a grandma.
So, you live your life as you wish and by your rules. Good luck.
My mom knew a woman who had 17 kids!
One day a neighbor was saying that he saw her drinking in a bar.
My mom told this gossiping neighbor, “Well, I am not going to comment on her behavior, because if I had 17 kids I might be sitting on a bar stool drinking too!” 😆 LOL
I giggled so hard when mom told me about this incident because my mom doesn’t drink but she completely understood that life with 17 kids would be enough to drive ANYONE to drink!!!
Remember the crazy reality show, 19 kids and counting? It was something like that. I never watched it. I remember seeing the commercials for it.
Or the crazy woman they called octomom.
If a person wants a bunch of kids, it’s their business. More power to them but I hope they can afford all of them and have nannies! No one can spread themselves that thinly.
Plus, no one should expect others to have a bazillion babies.
As far as religion goes, the “church” isn’t going to raise those kids! Parents have the responsibility to do it and it’s a tough job!
I adore my kids. I do not have grandchildren. I would never expect my daughters to have kids so I could have a grandchild. That is not a good reason to have a child.
People are crazy! Out the box. CRAZY! 😝
Nothing shocks me anymore.
2) re your mom - you do not have to get her to change her mind - she won't, that is her problem, not yours. Do not get into a discussion about this. "mom, we've talked about this already, i'm not going there any more" if she insists - you leave or hang up "sorry mom, love you, but gotta go" eventually she'll get the idea that she can't bring this up with you. Boundaries are for you. She doesn't have to agree or approve of your decisions. You have the right to not discuss this.
It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself politely and more often. It took counseling to help me - am i glad i did!
I am wondering about one other thing, though. Your profile says you take care of your mother. What do you do for her? Make sure you don't end up being the one who becomes her elder caregiver. She is bugging you now about children, but in the future she will be bugging you about many many more thing. Beware.
What are her plans for her future? Is she retired? Does she live by herself? What is her financial situation? 65 is NOT old (at all!), but since you wrote that you take care of her, I am wondering.
That would truly be a miracle!
I don’t think we need seniors being pregnant or having babies!
Oh my word! Just the thought of it freaks me out!
How about every woman’s fantasy of ‘THE MAN’ going through a pregnancy and child birth?
No doubt, we would have a smaller population!
Oh, and can anyone picture a man breastfeeding? 😂 LOL
Okay, I better shut up now! Heehee
Especially with an abusive boyfriend!
Anyway, what's concerning about your post to me, as a mom myself, is that you're with an abusive and mentally unstable man. Please think hard about ending this relationship right away and respect yourself enough to not tolerate ANY abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason. Mental illness is no pass for mistreating you. I have a bipolar step daughter and let me tell you, my tolerance for her is almost non existent. I cannot and will not subject myself to her behavior because it's off the wall.
If you need to, have a conversation with your mother and let her know her obsession with you having "her grandchild" is driving a big wedge between you and if she doesn't cut the crap immediately, you will cut HER out of YOUR life. Which you don't want to do.
Toxic people wreak havoc and cause unnecessary chaos and ulcers in our lives. Even when they come in the form of boyfriends and mother's. They don't have the right to ruin our peace or strip the joy from our lives. Don't allow it any longer, you deserve more
My mother was mean and argumentative when she started drinking (pretty much the same time every day), and would always try to pick fights with someone in the family. One time she marched up to one of our teen-age sons and said, "Why don't you join the army? You should join the army!" Without missing a beat he said, "You're right, Grandma. I should do that." It completely took the wind out of her sails, and she went back in the kitchen to think of some other way to aggravate someone.
My point is, she may be trying to start an argument and sometimes the best thing to do is to out-maneuver her.
'Tell her you are really considering it and she will be the first to know. Whenever my brother was asked when he would do something, he would always reply "Soon"."
Makes me think of Charlton Heston in the Michelangelo movie (had to look up the title: The Agony and the Ecstasy). I don't recall any of the movie other than when he's painting the Sistine Chapel. The Pope keeps asking him when he will be finished (make an end) and Heston replies "When I am done!" Once it was during Mass, and Heston dropped a brush, with it clattering and echoing all the way down the scaffolding. The Pope wordlessly mouths out the words and Heston does the same!
I've often use the line with others when at work or whatever. I would get asked what time do you get in? When I'm here. What time do you leave? When I go! The uses are almost endless!!!
Constantly.
Insist on bringing it with you when you visit her ("she's my baby....")
The more unusual the pet, the better (snakes work great for this trick since you can wear them around your neck like a tie and have your hands free).
thanks for the stress relief, i sure needed it!!! Im going through tests the next couple of weeks that may be a cancer diagnosis. So every chance i get to laugh, i take it. Again thank you!! Liz
I used to work with a woman who was content being single.
People constantly asked her why wasn’t she married.
She would say, “I am happy being single.”
Some people are idiots! They would say things like, “Oh honey, you just haven’t met the right guy.”
People would try and set her up on blind dates. She refused their offers.
One day she was speaking to me at lunch about the busybodies at work.
I told her. “I am so sorry they are hounding you. Even if you do marry, it won’t stop.”
Certain people will always try and tell you how to live YOUR life and NOT because they have your best interest at heart.
I explained to my coworker that I was married but didn’t have kids.
These busybodies at work kept telling me to have a baby!
I explained to her that I had fertility issues and wanted children but I was not going to share my private life with busybodies!
Your mom is a busybody that is interfering in your life.
The only people who do this sort of thing are people that aren’t fully living their own lives.
So they feel the need to live vicariously through your life.
Don’t fall for it! Tune them out.
I give you credit for not wishing to procreate with an abusive man.
What I don’t quite understand though, is that if you don’t wish for your mom to interfere in your life and she doesn’t have a right to run the show. Nor does your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have the right to rob your peace and joy either.
Men are not DIY projects. Stop wasting your time.
Value yourself for the wonderful person that you are.
Then you will find that you are attracting positive people in your life.
Very often people will treat you the way that you treat yourself.
Do not ever lose respect for yourself.
Surround yourself with people that appreciate you.
Best wishes to you.