My aging father just told me I am a disappointing daughter. I have a difficult relationship and this guilt tripping feels hurtful, how to deal with this?
I know this may not sound like an outright "aging parent" problem but it is for me in the given context. For a bit of backgrnd- I am an expat and don't live in my country of origin & over the years relations back home have gotten very difficult. I have always had a difficult (though not outrightly sour nor cutoff) relationship with my misogynist family (esp father which he denies that he is one) & have been happy to be be living away & has helped me create boundaries & stay a bit at peace. I have a sibling who loves close to my parents (in their 70s). Recently, we have been dealing with my mom's early onset MCI diagnosis & communication with my father on that front has been difficult. I understand that it is & will be hard on him to since he will be the primary caretaker (along with full-time household helps) for a while but today he told me how he has always taken care of his family & he thinks he has done well at that but he has not gotten anything back in return & has neglected himself and now he has to take care of my mom also. I was a bit taken aback at this. It made me feel like he is saying he has done enough & now wants someone else to take over & take care of things & logistics.
He compared a couple of instances with other families (of close friends & relatives) where he said they all do this & that together; it feels & looks good that they do these things together. He said he feels disappointed in people. He was communicating slightly indirectly but his point was very clear almost saying that he has done so much for his family that he feels disappointed that I as a daughter have not & do not pay back by being the "dutiful" daughter that I am expected (& tried to train me) to be.
In the past as well, he has always compared others with me & said how xyz's son or daughter has done this/ that for them; they go on holidays together; they visit their kids abroad & stay with them for 6 months etc. etc. There have always been set expectations from me as a "daughter" which I have never managed to fulfil & he has made it clear in these many words on my every visit back home, more so in the last 3-4 yrs. The passive aggressiveness & resentment are very clear to me.
I have of course resisted these "forced norms" as a child & even now as a 40 yr old but I was & am always told I am the difficult one for not "complying". He has made me feel guilty for living my life as a young adult & now 40 yr old so much that I have had to stop sharing my life & travel plans with him. I have tried to maintain boundaries even though they have never understood nor believe in it nor believe in why I may have wanted them in the 1st place. He is a dismissive person, has been & now with age is getting more like that. He also said how I should not take any of this negatively and that he is only telling me which clearly indicates to me he knows what he is doing- guilt tripping.
I have lived with a lot of similar guilt tripping from him all my life & now with both of them being in their 70s I am not sure how to handle this. I don't want to fight things out & be mindful of their age & health problems but my peace of mind & my life are also important to me. I feel if I really felt so attached & connected in the relationship, I would make more effort organically. I do things now but only as an obligation- a sad reality but true. At 40, I am going back to basic questions- what do our parents expect of us? How much can/should we do? Will we ever be able to please them? How do we balance our current lives with demands/ sometimes unfair expectations of aging parents? Am I being selfish?
I am hoping there are more in similar situations who have some ideas of trying to deal with this. I know I need to get into therapy & am working towards that but until then I need support & help in figuring this out from this community that I have been silently reading for a while!
Thank you for your patience on this long read!
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The world is full of nasty people, from vicious criminals onwards. It’s a pity that it’s so hard to grasp that our own parents were among them.
I do have mixed feelings that have plagued me, and my mother always put the family name as a priority. Thank you sincerely for sharing, you opened my eyes and heart in a way I can not explain.
Thank you Margaret.
Over a year ago, I went to confront my elderly 90+ year old father in his house about nasty messages his daughter-in-law was saying about me. I hadn't seen him for about a year before that time, and when he saw me at the door, his face said a lot to me.
I asked him if that was how he felt about me, telling him what his son's wife was saying, and he wouldn't answer me. He started telling me about his three children, my older siblings, and how much they do for him.
We were in his little "den", and he sat at his computer playing a card game. Oh, the the memory of it literally hurts to this day. He wouldn't look at me. He said how two of his children pay his granddaughter to clean the house every couple of weeks, "They spend their own money to have ** clean our house." Well, the siblings are all very well off. He bragged to me when I had visited him in the hospital one day, how his oldest child had more money then she knew what to do with, and how she was flying back and forth to be with them these days. But this day, I had to confront him for myself.
He then told me his other children help him, take him & my mother to appointments. He then switched from playing cards on the computer to looking at photographs of him and his own siblings from the 1930s, photographs someone helped me download onto this computer. He just sat there looking at the photographs as if he was stuck in a time of long, long ago.
He told me to go "make something of yourself" when I told him I've been so ill for years now, and literally thought I was going to die I was so sick with intracranial headaches. He didn't care. I was crying, and telling him I just want to know if this is how you've always felt about me, because *** says this how you feel about me.
He wouldn't answer me. I told him, "Dad, I've always loved you" and I've done things for this family's name that I will always regret, and the things I did were to earn respect hurt me. He simply didn't care. I was crying so hard, I felt I couldn't breath.
I left their house, never returned. Before doing so, my mother told me she was sorry, that she should have left him years ago, but she couldn't leave with four young children. It was their generation, she was a homemaker since marriage.
Sometimes I wondered if he loved anyone; but I know he cherishes his three adult children. I know my siblings well, they do not do anything for free, they expect something in return. They were all born in the mid to late 1950s.
I have no guilt on not helping my father or mother the past 6 years. I was so ill, didn't leave my house except for medical appointments and felt I was literally dying at home. But I always respected my parents, always, and there is no thankfulness in giving that unconditional kind of love. I think with my elderly father, his heart is focused on these last years of his life, and the years of his childhood.
If anything, I think he has guilt in his life and is angry about his life, and in his own way lashed out at me that day by ignoring me. He seems to regret life, and focuses on what people are doing for him now in his elderly years. I am not a part of his life now. But I was there, for over 60 years, especially when I was healthy.
I don't understand him, but I have no guilt for I know I went above and beyond in respecting my parents, and doing what they required of me to not disparage their name.
I hope the best for you in healing. Thank you for sharing your journey, you have helped me by your sharing.
I found this group the same way. One night I couldn't sleep. I was wired because my mother who I was the sole caregiver to, had been particularly nasty and verbally abuse to me earlier in the day. I was at the end of my rope and finding this Forum literally saved my life. Things have changed a tenfold for me, but I remember.
I'm sorry about how your father treated you and I know what it's like to have a parent who will brag about their other kids (my siblings) and their kids to me and who doesn't have a kind word for me ot about me to others. No matter how emotionally mature we are, it still hurts.
Why would you confront your father about nasty things your sister-in-law is supposedly saying about you?
Why not go directly to the source (your SIL) and confront her?
You should confront her about it. Then talk to someone about how you grew up and how your father treats you. That helps too.
Also, don't accept your mother's sorry excuse about her generation being homemakers and she couldn't leave him with four small children. Children don't stay small for very long.
My great-grandmother was a divorced woman and the sole provider for her kids in the early 1900's. If your mother wanted to give her kids a better life she could have. You deserved better. So did she.
Many women were willing to let their kids and themselves live in abuse and dysfunction if it meant never having to lower themselves with employment.
I'm sorry you had such an experience. You don't deserve it. No one does.
Washington Square, Henry James STELLAR historical drama about the unloving father and how he ruins his daughter's life is on Prime now if you get it; or read the book. See also Olivia DeHavilland in The Heiress. Another Dad out there we can love to hate.
Get some popcorn and put your feet up; you're gonna love those movies!
When my kids said that , I would say well Im doing a good job then, and they new it didn't get to me so they didn't say it, very often.
We become are parents , parents, many are back in there preteens saying mean things to hurt us.
I'll deal with my mom being a preteen, but I'm not going back to diapers again. I had four boys, I did my diaper duty in life.
Your situation reminds me of my mother's parents. They used to complain to everyone they encountered that they had 4 daughters and none of them ever did anything for them. All the while, my mom was taking them out to lunch and grocery shopping weekly, riding along then eventually driving them to medical appointments plus haircuts, auctions and estate sales while my dad cut their grass, put out their trash, did handy man jobs around their home (each sister and spouse participated at different amounts which was a source of frustration for my parents who felt like they did the lion's share).
I walked into the hair salon one day hearing Gran going on about how none of her daughters did anything for them so I interrupted her and said "That's not true. Mom dropped you off and I'm here to pick you up, so not only do your daughters do for you but now the grandkids are recruited. Who took you to the grocery store and out to lunch today? Who took you to the doctor last week?" I was chuckling and shaking my head. Gran knit her lips and quit her rant right then but it didn't ever stop.
It was easy to see everyone had heard this again and again. It didn't matter what nurse or server or old friend tried to encourage them. My grandmother, especially was into the "old poor me" routine. She even stopped walking after a hip replacement. The doctor said there was no physical reason she couldn't walk. After a few years in the wheel chair, she admitted she wanted someone else to have to "take care of her" saying she had taken care of everyone else her whole life.
Children of narcissistic parents , often here the same thing, "I'm not going to live forever, you will regret ......( Fill in the blanks). I think many of us have heard that.
After watching the post , I started thinking, do I regret, anything I have or have not done the last 4 years?
My answer was YES, I regret not putting up enough boundaries, I regret running around to please mom for 3 years, and get no appreciation, just do more more more, I regret bringing moms problems home.
Do I regret, the last 6 months of seeing less of mom, do I regret putting down my boundaries, do I regret, living and enjoying my life.
NO.
Moral of my story is , we children of difficult parents will not regret the same things that they think we will.
But if we don't stand up for are selves we will have many regrets!!
As in, that’s pretty much all one can expect as most children and most parents have issues over how the child raising was done. For me, I’ve let that shizz go.
I think you should take the good advice of Margaret McKen in the comments and ask him to write everything down in a letter and explain himself because you really don't understand what you did to him that was so wrong. Then refuse any discussion until he does. That's good advice.
You are at an advantage in your situation also. You don't even live in the same country as your parents so you are the one who controls the communication. You're in charge of how much you see or speak to your parents. As for the guilt-tripping, you're in control of that too.
Becoming an adult and making your own life is not something to feel guilt over. This is what people are supposed to do. There are many parents (my mother among them) who believe the sole purpose of their childrens' life is living to serve them from birth to the grave. Often they expect their children to also financially enrich their lives along with the servitude. It may be hard to hear, but people are narcissists who don't love and respect their family.
It's not a generational thing either. When parents love and respect their children they want those kids to have a good and happy life. They don't want them to live out their lives in miserable servitude to them. I don't even think it's a cultural thing either. My grandmother was from Sicily and from the Vito Corleone generation. All her kids (even the girls) graduated from high school. She never expected her kids to live in misery serving her for life. When she was old and needed care she didn't get stubborn and she didn't fight her kids about it. That's someone who loved her family.
You haven't done anything to feel guity about. Your father is trying to use guilt to manipulate you into coming back to their home so you can become your mother's caregiver, assume her role, and he can go back to living his life like he did before your mother's decline. That's not going to happen though and it shouldn't.
Your parents made their life and now as they age it's changing. Your father now needs to learn how to hire homecare help and how to do things for himself. The alternative to this is they both go into assisted living.
Please don't let yourself be guilted into doing something you will regret like moving back home.
Fortunately, I followed my own instincts--yes, even though they hadn't always been sound historically. Although I was never in full compliance with 1950s norms, especially for women, what dad didn't know didn't hurt him. I had been a "golden child" in his eyes, so his rejection was a HUGE change. (We never spoke again.) It was what it was, and I have no regrets.
My suggestion? Do what seems right for you. Do what you reasonably can for your parents if you choose, but YOU (and your family if/when you have one) should always come first.
In this day in age people are still like this, even more so now, than ten years ago. It truly makes me sick. To think what you went through 55 years ago. And in my eyes, things really haven't changed a lot.
"You must already understand" - "No I don't".
Two objectives: If he does it, at adequate length, you can see it all and decide how to respond (perhaps a good laugh). If he doesn’t do it, you stop all criticisms ‘until he does what you have asked, so you can really understand’. It’s a quick way to justify putting the phone down.
.......
PS Thinking for a few minutes more, my guess is that your F always bossed your M about, and she propped up his ego by agreeing with him. Now with Mild Cognitive Impairment she is no longer giving him that ego boost. He is wanting you to come to the party instead. It's about him, not you and not her.
I wish our conversations went both ways but not anymore. It is more of him just speaking & me listening & not reacting to keep the peace. Every time I have said anything in the past it has been dismissed so I have overtime learnt to just keep my thoughts to myself. From past experience, asking him to tell me anything on email will be a pointless exercise even though I'd very much like to do it.
I wish the conversation was reasonable enough for him to even listen to me. His general disdain for me (a woman), my independence, my opinionated self, rubs him the wrong way & even though he won't accept it, I know it exists.
Eventually, once I left home, I started getting bombarded by these weird calls especially around the holidays. Finally, I just started ignoring these nuisance conversations. It bothered me, but I must admit that I was pretty angry with him dumping all this on me while he ran off with another woman and later marrying her. I didn't find out until five months later. He made sure he kept his support system going and had everyone fooled. I had a love hate relationship with him and after mom died I felt like I was just a means to an end. I think his wife had a lot to do with this since Mom wanted me to have the family home. His wife talked him into making me pay for a loan along with getting free care for his daughter. I refused thanks to the tough love of my Al-Anon friends. I felt that I had done enough already and I needed to move on. I still hadn't pulled my life together from getting divorced a few years earlier and my daughter and I were still adjusting. True, I had choices but when you've been brainwashed to be the scapegoat and doormat; and being dumped on constantly you lose sight of your goals and life. One church counselor told me straight up that the situation was something I was manipulated into doing for him. Dad was a narcissist and was resentful of his wife and his daughters. It took years of therapy to get to this point. I'm sixty seven now. Take it from an old fool, don't allow this needy and narcissistic man to manipulate you. Trust me, all of my family members including my disabled sister were doing fine. I was left to start over in a roach infested apartment and a job with extremely long hours but it paid off in the long run. They refurbished these buildings in 2011, and I retired from that job in 2020. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this had I not gotten the proper counseling that my job provided. I took the leap of faith.
"Yeah I know I'm a disappointment, but you and mom both made me that way, so you have no right to complain, because you weren't the best parents either". Then don't say anything else and stick to the task(s) at hand.
He's baiting you and wants you to respond with emotions, don't. Just don't.
You don't need to manage this. This is his issue to solve all by himself. He starts the guilt trips, end the conversation. Eventually he will figure it out, if he complains too much the phone call ends. If he implies you are a disappointment, do the same back at him (they never see their own shortcomings).
He is lucky enough to have a housekeeper but doesn't feel it is his job to care for HIS wife. He is about 80-100 years behind the times.
How do you manage this? Stop being his audience.
But let me rush to say, I get it.
You can be totally burned out just dealing with the thought of getting actively involved with your parents care. And truly burnout can be more about the emotional energy we are sucked dry of than the physical. There are exceptions, just mentioning what’s been true for me.
Here is a book that you might find helpful. “What Happened to You, Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”. There is also a workbook available.
Notice it doesn’t say, What’s the matter with you? It’s what happened to you. It;s not to make anyone right or wrong, it’s just what happened to you and learning that, how you might utilize this knowledge to live a happier life.
Regardless of what you decide to do now or later, it always helps to understand what makes one tick.
Here is another I’m really excited about right now. “OUTLIVE, the Science & Art of Longevity by Peter Attia, MD. Oddly I had this book on my shelf to read for over a year and hadn’t started it. I recently heard this doctor being interviewed and it really made me want to read the book. You are at the perfect age to get a great deal from it. His last chapter is about mental health and totally unexpected.
You might find some new topics to discuss with dad and mom on things they might try to enhance this stage in their lives. It’s a win win from the stand point of your realizing where each of you are in life re aging and what can make a difference.
Just like being burned out w/o seeing them, you can also help w/o seeing them. Flip the conversation. If dad can’t appreciate what gifts you bring, then he needs to look closer to home.
Welcome to the forum.
Keep your boundaries firm. Live your life to the fullest. It is up to him to cope with any disappointment he feels. It is not up to others to change to fulfill his expectations.
What you said here "A complete lack of self awareness, oblivious to how their words and actions alienated us." is what I want him to understand but I know that's a lost cause. Thank you for listening & responding.
We are ALWAYS disappointed when we have expectations of others, be it parent/children, best friends, spouses or you name it. Learning to let things be said to us and NOT letting them stick is how you deal with the nonsense people throw.
My dad tried the, poor me, everything I have done for so many people and not 1 will repay me. I told him that he could not do or give people things with future, unknown expectations of repayment without telling them up front. He was mad but, he stopped trying to use that to make me feel obligated to dance to his warped tune.
You should be grateful that you don't live close and you know the situation with him, he won't change, just learn to ignore his passive aggressive bs and live your life.
Read this article:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/
I found it very enlightening.
Live your life and visit mom at your convenience. Let dad's rantings go in one ear and out the other. Welcome to the Parents Who Are Disappointed In Their Daughters Club. I was also disappointed in my parents, but apparently we don't get a say in that!
Good luck to you.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
You have done well so far. Dad is from a different time and culture. He will never understand how you think and feel. Maybe ask him what he thinks he had done for you. You may want to tell him that to be loved and respected you have to give love and respect. You can't demand it. Tell him your sorry that your not the daughter he feels you should be. But living in another country you have been able to become the woman you want to be and are proud of that. You have found peace in another Country that you would never have found in his country. You are not and never will be a "dutiful" woman. Its just not who you are. He needs to except that.
Keep your boundaries. Never feel you need to go back and care for them. Others can do that. You can visit to give someone a break. Send money to help out. There are ways to be there from a distance.
Disappointed children form the line to the right.
Disappointed parents form a line to the left.
The lines are long.
Hope he finds his place in them.
As to what our parents expect of us, that is quite beside the point. Not only is it beside the point, but it isn't in our control. Why waste time on it?
No one can help the unrealistic expectations of another, nor change them. Simply admit your limitations, form your boundaries, and get on with your own life.
You didn't cause illnesses and the problems that come with them and with aging. You can't fix it. Guilt requires causation and a refusal to fix things that you can fix. So guilt doesn't apply to it. You are instead dealing with the other g-word, which is grief. Grief that you have no way to please your parents and win their love. Grief that you must stand witness to your family aging, suffering and dying.
Get on with your life. Rumination and marination in all this "stuff" will never help.
You will not please a judgemental parent EVER. You are not responsible for his satisfaction, which is his problem. You are human and as a human you have your unique limitations; honor them.