My parents (76 year-old dad and 70 year-old mom) are adjusting to aging in very different ways. My dad has a positive "be in the now" outlook, and that partially goes back to being diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment in 2020. His score has been more or less the same the last three years, and he has some speech and writing issues. But otherwise, he's fully able and leading a very active and socially engaged life. My mom is struggling with depression and anxiety, which have been chronic ailments for her that she never really treated until recently. My sister and I (we're 32 and 35 respectively) practically begged her to try therapy, and we finally got her hooked up with a therapist whom she connected with. We did this because we were concerned for her health, but also for more logistical reasons too.
Two of the most damaging manifestations of my mom's depression and anxiety are indecisiveness and focusing too much on the negatives in life. And this is holding her back from playing an active role in planning for the future. She and my dad still live in a house that's not suitable for aging. It's way bigger than what they need, it requires physical upkeep, and it has lots of stairs. My mom knows this and is anxious about it, but then she finds reasons to shoot down every possible place they could move to. My dad doesn't want to force the move, so they've been at a stalemate for the last three years. Similarly, my dad has been trying to show my mom how to manage the household finances, in the event that his MCI progresses in the years to come. And she won't commit to learning how to handle them. I would actually be game to step up and offer to learn them, but my mom would be upset if I did that because she'd see it as a reflection of her failure to step up. So it's a looming issue.
My sister and I are increasingly worried and frustrated by all of this. We want to help our parents prepare for the road ahead, and while we've at least had conversations establishing POA, health care proxies, and end-of-life wishes, these near-term pragmatic steps are important too, and we're at our wits end trying to help our parents get on the same page about them. We've had a strong relationship as a family, but this is testing us like nothing before. If the problem were solely the What If of my dad's MCI condition, I would be a less worried about the prospect of potential caregiving further down the road. (I'd still be worried to some degree, of course.) But the double whammy of having one parent with cognitive issues and another with chronic depression, anxiety, and indecisiveness is already burning me out, emotionally. I don't know if there's anything more I can do at this point other than continuing to implore my mom to stick with therapy or to urge my parents to talk with a therapist together. But my sister and I feel like we're watching a trainwreck in slow motion. Because if our parents don't move to a more suitable house or condo while they're fully able and if they can't get on the same page about planning for MCI contingencies, it will not only impact their lives in a significant and negative way, but my sister's life and mine as well.
You, your sibling and your Dad need to stop hoping your Mom will magically start to be someone she isn't, and has never been.
"we've at least had conversations establishing POA, health care proxies, and end-of-life wishes..."
I take this to mean no actual documents have been created and legally finalized. If correct, this needs to happen asap. Even if your Mom won't do it. You might want to consider a family "PoA" party, where you and your sister demontrate that you 2 are also willing to create these documents. Then maybe she'll be more open to it. Also, explain to her what happens when someone falls apart but has no legal and personally chosen advocate: the court assigns you a 3rd party guardian. This is a fact. But also totally avoidable. All you and your sister can do is warn her.
I can tell by what and how your wrote that you and sister are in "T-minus" mode, ready to launch and orbit around your parents. Please resist doing this. Have boundaries. Make sure you keep yourselves and your own immediate families the priority. Please read the plethora of posts on Burned Out adult children who didn't mentally and emotionally process caregiving in a realistic and healthy way. Stop yourselves from reacting emotionally and making decisions based on emotions. It won't be helpful -- ever.
Please do read some other's posts on this forum so you don't have to go through some very exhausting (and sometimes permanently damaging) stuff.
We are in T-minus mode to some degree. That said, I'm more mindful of boundaries with our parents than my sister, who spends more time with our parents in general. In our conversations, I'm encouraging my sister to start thinking about what her boundaries are, with regard to helping our parents out as they get older and struggle with aging. I will do what I reasonably can to support them, and when/if the demand exceeds my emotional, logistical, and fiscal bandwidth, I will point them toward additional support resources.
Find a good Elder Care lawyer to take Dad to, and pay close attention to what is advised. So many here have stubborn parents who did not plan their final decisions. That includes downsizing their home and getting their Advance Directives, Trusts and Wills done.
Mom needs to realize how lucky she is that neither of them have dangerous illness (cancer, heart disease, stroke) hanging over them. Best to get the details decided and enjoy the rest of their lives.
Mom needs to keep in mind the time she is wasting with her "indecision/anxiety" is time she will never get back. Help Dad start the ball rolling, then she will likely follow. Get it done, then enjoy their remaining lives without worry.
Mom, my husband has a cousin who has always been decisive. Its nerve wracking, they cannot make a decision. I don't know how she held a job down or how she has dealt pretty well with being a widow. So, never take you Mom into your homes. 24/7 of that kind of personality and depression on top of that, will drive you crazy.
The simplest part of this to respond to for me is the financial aspect. Your Dad wants to teach your Mom, your Mom doesn’t want to learn and you’re reluctant to step in because you don’t want to hurt your Mom’s feelings. (Paraphrasing, of course.). Step 1: do not worry about Mom’s feelings here. Eggshell walking gets you nowhere. We were all so concerned about upsetting Mom … but so what? Mom gets upset. The good news is Mom now has a therapist to help her deal with that. Step in so you can know what they have / what you are working with so plans (like eventual assisted living for Mom and memory care for dad) can be considered. Your dad may enjoy moving to a community built for aging where he’d have even more opportunities for socializing and the day to day cooking and maintenance is handled. If Mom wants to learn too - great .. but it sounds like she won’t be capable of fully understanding what she’s seeing / dealing with anyway. Learned helplessness.
Sounds like your Dad is the more pragmatic one and Mom is a bit of a tragic disaster. Same in my family but we tiptoed for years. Anything to keep Mom from being upset. When disaster eventually struck 2 years ago, as is inevitable, mom went into victim mode. She’s still there. She didn’t make plans and now my brother and I are guilty of “selling her house out from under her and uprooting her whole life.” (She had no life. She was always calling in a panic because taking care of my dad was too much. Her revisionist history has them fully supported by neighbors and friends when it just isn’t true.).
So trying to break all of this down into one tangible thing you can start on immediately .. start with that. In line with that is the POA / living wills / other documents that you need to have in place. You’ll feel better knowing what you’re dealing with and what the options may be. MCI/Dementia doesn’t improve. Ever. You may see glimpses of your old dad in there or moments of clarity - but it’s highly unpredictable and your dad will be better served having plans made and getting him some help or care before he really needs it. This could mean an aid a couple hours a week that helps with chores or driving to appointments or whatever so they get used to a person that isn’t you or your sister helping them. This isn’t because they need help now. It’s to set the stage for when they do. (Not IF they do.). Maybe the help is in starting to pack and sell some of the items they aren’t going to need in a smaller space. Would your Mom feel like she’s contributing in some way if she was “in charge” of that aspect?
My mom was overwhelmed with all that would be required to move and therefore did nothing. Every time I went to Fl (4x a year?) I would donate [and toss] as much as I possibly could. “Mom, there is a great veterans organization that sets up apartments for homeless veterans. Do you have extra bedding/kitchen items/decorations we could donate to them? It feels good to help others, doesn’t it?”
In the end my husband drove from Wisconsin to Florida twice for a week at a time after my parents were out to clean out their house and get it ready to sell. He essentially tossed and donated everything in the house that my sister didn’t take in a hurry because there were no options. A ton of work that you don’t want to deal with while also working / tending to your own life.
Mom is anxious and depressed. That is unlikely to dramatically improve. If anything, it’ll get worse as she starts to feel paranoid as her world is getting smaller (it’s already small by her choices, right?). So Mom gets mad. So what. It’s inevitable and your Dad needs you.
It’s not what you are doing TO your Mom … it’s what you need to do FOR your Dad.
I recognize I’m projecting my own nightmare here … but if I had it to do over, I’d skip eggshell walking. It served no one.
Been there, done that.
Everyone gave in to my mother in her refusal to even consider moving. Daddy tried and then he died. My brother and I tried and then my brother died. At that point I was without any assistance so I left her in her home until she had to come live with me. It's been 7 years and counting.
Why so many aging parents refuse to deal with the inevitable is beyond me. It makes it all so difficult on the family. They prefer to dig in their heels and sit there until a crisis demands action. At that point, someone else has to step in and their choices are limited. Makes no sense.
My advice is to do now what is best, even though you may have to pull your mother along.
Peace
So far we are living on our own in a single-story home that is part of a "55+" manufactured housing community. Our current living situation is exponentially less expensive than any type of care facility in our area would be. It has not been necessary to draw down our retirement funds to live here. That would change if/when we have to move.
We've needed minimal outside help to date but realize that could change in a hot second. All our legal paperwork is in order, and our youngest son (62) has been willing to help us on the occasions when we've needed it. We have a hired housecleaner every two weeks and seasonal yard maintenance assistance.
So. . . should we move to an ALF now before we need additional assistance and thus start depleting our finite financial resources? This is likely a MAJOR issue for many middle-income elders! Or should we wait until we need care? My husband has some short term memory issues but is basically functional with no major decline in the past year. He no longer drives; I drive locally during the daytime only. I have experienced increased physical pain and limitations in the past year due to spinal deterioration and osteoarthritis, but I can still do most light housekeeping tasks, grocery shopping and errands. We are "managing". So far. . .
What to do is NOT an easy question--for anyone, old parents or adult children.
Trust me!
I’ve been dealing with my mom the eggshell way for 18 years since my dad died.
She is 92 and lives in her own home ‘independently’ with my total support. She is never satisfied, demands more and more and treats me like help. I finally concluded there is nothing I can do to make her happy.
She has lived a long and comfortable retirement while in good health up until a fall this year. We want to experience some of that.
You are young enough to prevent this from happening to you and your sister. The time goes fast and they live long especially when they are miserable.
So far we are living on our own in a single-story home that is part of a "55+" manufactured housing community. Our current living situation is exponentially less expensive than any type of care facility in our area would be. It has not been necessary to draw down our retirement funds to live here. That would change if/when we have to move.
We've needed minimal outside help to date but realize that could change in a hot second. All our legal paperwork is in order, and our youngest son (62) has been willing to help us on the occasions when we've needed it. We have a hired housecleaner every two weeks and seasonal yard maintenance assistance.
So. . . should we move to an ALF now before we need additional assistance and thus start depleting our finite financial resources? This is likely a MAJOR issue for many elders! Or should we wait until we need care? My husband has some short term memory issues but is basically functional with no major decline in the past year. He no longer drives; I drive locally during the daytime only. I have experienced increased physical pain and limitations in the past year due to spinal deterioration and osteoarthritis, but I can still do most light housekeeping tasks, grocery shopping and errands. We are "managing". So far. . .
What to do is NOT an easy question--for anyone, old parents or adult children.
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