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My mum is in respite care but thinks she is going home.  She isn't, she has to go into residential care. She blames me for everything and doesn't think she has dementia. How do we get her from a to b and what do we say? She was always very dependent and fiercely guards her money, this is something else we will have to take charge of, how do I explain that? She basically hates me.

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My siblings and I went to the Care Home first and set up mom's bedroom just like her own bedroom. (Mom went to a sibling's home for lunch as we did this.) Then we drove her to the care facility right before they served dinner. We told her we were having dinner here with friends and one of the "greeting caregivers" began talking with Mom and being her friend. Because Mom has Alzheimer's, when they took her to her bedroom she thought it was hers. It had her bed, bedspread, dresser, night stand, pictures, etc. It was harder on us than for Mom . . . . . .
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Go gently. She may fight you on the money issues, especially if she retains an elder law attorney.
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A clergy as a ride along? Actually it's a genius idea!
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Mom was "ready" to drive her car back "home" yet she was leaving rehab with a full leg brace where her leg had been pieced back together, broken in 20 places. We knew she would never drive again nor return home. The doctors mostly ignored her dementia. They would answer her question " can I drive again? " with a yes! Ghurr. Well, we played along with that Future Hope to our advantage. Whenever asked by mom, when can I go home - we would simply say when the doctors say you can return to driving. In the meantime, her MC unit was set up by us using a phone camera to copy exactly the way her dresser and that wall of pictures were at the Independent Living facility. The day she checked out of rehab, the new MC unit picked her up. It has been three years now and sometimes she might reflect, I wonder if I will ever go home? I still answer with the "hope" answer. Yes mom, when the head doctor says you are ready to drive. She asked frequently the first 6 months, then only every 6 months and now its been over a year since she has asked. All caps intended KEEP ALL THE GERIATRITION VISITS, MOVE ONLY ONCE- MULTIPLE MOVES ARE DIFICULT. Mom has done well, she actually is a nice person now. The Geriatrition stabalized her meds. Removed ones thought to be causing dizziness, hence the fall which broke her leg. We had to forgo one of the Memory Meds. Stabilized, she is a happier person. I love sitting together with her friends at meal time. They might be living in the days long since past, but it is a pleasure to hear their stories and they know me now too.
Know that as you are putting her safety first, you are doing the right thing. I try not to dimish hope, but I never tell her a lie. I try answering differently each time untill one works best. I'm determined to always be truthful, I just don't provide the "full" story. If there is a road block, I leave for a bathroom break. Her lack of short term memory helps a lot here. Everytime she has already moved on or starts back up as if I just arrived. Either way, I wipe my brow. Knowing that she is fed positivity and she reflects it. IT HELPS THAT THE MC unit uses the Positive Approach to caregiving. Teepa Snow - her method is on youtube. Ive taken the same training the staff uses.
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We moved my FIL to a memory care facility four days ago. We had all the same questions and concerns you are experiencing.

Six months ago, we found a wonder Alzheimer's facility located twenty minutes from home. We visited the facility twice, talked to several staff members, and watched their interaction with the other patients. It was evident they could do so much more for my FIL than we could at home. This helped us get more comfortable with the idea of moving him.

We moved him early in the morning, because this is always his best time of day. We had already moved a weeks worth of clothes and some personal items into his room.

The morning of the move, we told him we had a great place that could give him memory therapy and physical therapy so he could start feeling better. Making the move all about him and his well being, made him willing to get in the car. The staff knew we were coming. They met us at the door and made a bug fuss over him. We went with them to his room, where we had a jar full of his favorite M&M candy. He sat down and started eating immediately!

We stayed with him for about an hour before leaving. He was ready to take a nap by then. We have not gone back to visit yet. We plan to go tomorrow. The first visit will probably be difficult. We have talked to the staff a couple of times, and they tell us he is doing well.

Moments of guilt grip us, but we know we have done the right thing.

God bless you.
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The day we were moving my two friends, for whom I had DPOA authority, to their memory care apartment, the husband had forgotten all about his agreeing to this 3 times due to his wife's progressive dementia and her needing a lot more care than could be provided in their home. So I had to explain everything over again and he agreed once more. His short-term memory issues kept him from realizing how much his wife had changed and how little she could do. Another friend took them to eat breakfast in a nearby town, then to have their nails done. While they were gone, the moving crew and I were busy with getting the furniture they would need into their new apartment on the memory care floor--a one bedroom, pass through kitchen, small sitting area place. We were able to arrange their bedroom to be identical to their old one and the sitting area arranged just like their den where they spent much of their time watching TV. The same furniture arranged the same way, familiar pictures on the wall, books, etc. When they finally got there at 2:30 in the afternoon, the husband saw his favorite recliner in the same position it had always been in, sat down with a sigh of relief and has been happy ever since. He was the one resisting the move and adapted quickly to their new place. They no longer had to prepare their meals, always had other to eat with and so weren't alone and had a knowledgeable staff seeing to their needs, making sure they got their meds at the right time, taking care of their laundry, and ready to step in as their needs increased. The wife only lasted another 5 months before her brain was just shutting down and she could no longer swallow and hung on for another week as hospice saw to her needs. The husband continues there, happy and more cared for than he realizes. He is physically healthy for someone 91 years old, but just can't remember things from one moment to the next. I see him once a week to bring him his weekly magazines since all his mail comes to my house and I can monitor what he receives. He always tells me how content he is and grateful for my behind-the-scenes care. He has no idea about all that I have done for them, which is just fine. I do not have to worry about his care as I see evidence of what the staff is doing every time I visit him. He never talks about wanting to be anywhere else, so I don't have that issue to deal with. He can just enjoy watching TV and visiting with his new friends at meal times. That is all he wants to do. There are daily activities for the people living on the memory care floor, but he would rather not participate and goes back to his apartment to watch is favorite re-runs of Gunsmoke, Mash, and the Andy Griffith Show, etc. and read the newspaper.
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Your mom has turned on you because you are the closest person to her - this happens all the time so take it as a badge of courage & not personally - the theraputic fibs help too - tell her it is just another step in the healing process but that this new place allows some personal items to help with the process don't tell her outright it is permanent but that it is until she is fully well [which she'll never be] - go immediately to show her the physio etc that will 'help' her -

Put a few things that she will see & make homey but just what would fit in your backseat because 'it is just for a while' - try a quilt/afgan, a pretty pillow, 1 suitcase of clothes, a few pix for wall & etc then each time when you visit bring in an item saying 'I thought you'd like your red sweater', 'did you ask me to bring your pink slippers? oh well here they are' etc - but mix it up with consumables

In case someone comes sniffing around about the money if possible have mom's things in 1 bank & you in another - I keep a petty cash binder at my home with some money in it - I use bookkeeping paper that has several columns so that I track where that money goes - I punched some holes in a zip lock bag so that the money fits in well

I withdraw $40 a month for small items like body lotion, socks etc that are not worth keeping track of but you may need more at first as she settles in - I also bring mom something EVERY TIME I GO so [like Pavlov's dog] now she looks at me as 'the one who brings pleasure' when I show up with a cookie & specialty coffee or can of a specialty soft/hard drink [which the $40 pays for] - this won't happen overnight but accumulative it does - this is better for her & you in the long run - I felt that by bringing her something every time then she slowly perceived me as someone who 'gave' & not a 'taker' so her attitude switched around 180 degrees -

I also have a spiral notebook that has sections in it - 1 for all the dr./new phone numbers you will need & all that you may need to track - my sister is backup P.O.A. so I always wrote up an email with dr./other appointment details including names & addresses & what happened then copy myself so I would put it in a file for mom's medical [finances in separate file] so if she ever needed to substitute for me then she would be able to look it up - it was a bit of a relief/cathartic to write it up & file it away - hope this helps you make a difficult transition for you both
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Good advice from MidKid. Take it.

Ren
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I'm sorry. She sounds like my mother, who has been in MC for about a month. In my case the psyche hospital where she was being evaluated transported her to the memory care facility. Is that a option for you? The (wise) doctor at the hospital cautioned me not to have anything to do with my mother for a while because of my mother's distain for me and her distrust of me (a suddenly change -- within three days my mother went from living independently at home and accepting my assistance to locking me out of the house and accusing me of stealing her money, being a prostitute and drug dealer! It was pretty dramatic.) The psyche doc knew it was not a good idea for me to do the transporting.

Talk to the respite care folks and see if they have a solution and can assist. I feel for you because I thought I was going to have to transport my mother and it was a very anxious time. There is light at the other end, but major heartache until your mother is settled. It may take awhile...and your mother will not be the same again, remember that...she won't get better and you will likely receive the brunt of her anger. You don't have to see her, remember that too -- your mother is mentally ill. Your mental health is what is important here, hers has already been determined.
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It's rough now, yet it will get better and things will settle down.
Resistance was my parents' middle name!

(Having lunch at the facility sounds like a good idea while you set up her place....)

When my parents sorta freaked out...I would say, 'this is just for now...let's just get through today, ok?' That worked for them. Keeping them present was key, not futuristic.

All the best to you and your mom!!
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Thanks everyone this is so helpful.
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A friend took her husband to lunch where they met the wife's 'friend.' The friend was actually the nurse from assisted living. They talked about his hobby and the friend invited them over to ''her place." He went willingly.
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Our elder care attorney told us to blame it on her doctors. My father, with dementia, amazingly was able to understand his need for advanced care, but my mother was fiercely independent and delusional about her ability to care for herself and my father. We had to do a lot of “The doctor says.....”.
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Is there a third party that she trusts that might help present the information? A member of the clergy, for instance? Some of the behaviors are due to the dementia but it doesn't make it any easier on you.
When my Mom was finishing rehab, I told my Mom that the doctor wanted her to get more practice walking and we had found a place that could help her near to my home. And then . . . I just never discussed it again. AND, more fortunate or me, she never inquired. I know (and this site makes it clear) I was VERY fortunate. Good luck
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You take it one step at a time and don't let her bad attitude get to you.

I doubt she hates you. She's got a "broken brain" and she's not thinking right. You kind of just have to let those mean comments slide by.

Try making her new "home" as "homey" as you can. Pictures, mementoes, furniture she loves, if it fits in her new place. Be prepared for pushback and anger, but don't take it personally.

Explain that you will become her "assistant" now--and helping her with her money--don't just grab her stuff and go--let her "help".

You're not alone. At least, being in a home, when she gets mad, you can walk away. That's a real blessing, believe it or not.

Don't succumb to the guilt that will come. Do what you can and let the rest go. (Easier said than done, I know).

Good luck!
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