Mother's Day. Any suggestions?

It’s not “wrong”, but unless feeling as you do actually makes you feel better, why take your valuable time and waste it on her?

What do you need to do to make all or part of your Mother’s Day YOURS? You’ll have to think of some tweaks to what you’ve done in the past, but if you NEED a holiday you have the absolute right to have it.

Simplify or cancel brunch, do two short visits to the AL instead of one longer one, plan a picnic or barbecue, and I bet you can think of some others that will allow you to find time that for you and those grands.

And really, Mother’s Day should be any day you can spend with your grands, so could another day, maybe the Sunday after, become “grandmaofeight’s SUPER SPECIAL DAY? Or anything that could be fun for you AND THEM?

YOU DESERVE THIS. Vent all you want, then make a plan!

You do NOT have to responsible for anything that you don't enjoy. Just say no. Walk away. Cancel. If it's important enough to anyone else, they can pick up the ball. They don't have to like it but you need to follow your heart and do what YOU want to do.

This question has been brought up before. You see Mom the day before and give her her little gift or whatever. I am sure the AL does something nice for the residents. Just tell everyone that this Mother's Day is for you and your are spending it with ur children and grands. Really, no one else gives up MD why should you? I think ur children and grands should go out to eat. You are suppose to be waited on.

I agree with the group--go have your day, do a little something sweet for mom either before or after. One person cannot always be the go-to for every holiday.
Also, see if your sisters will divvy up the holidays so the burden doesn't fall on you. Some people won't offer to help, either because they're dense or just trying to skate by, but will if they're told that there needs to be more buy-in.
If they can't do the holidays, then there's no rule that says it has to be you for every single one-pick the ones you want to do with your mom and do something for yourself on the other ones.

One day, yet so many Mothers.

Your Mother, you are a Mother, your daughters or DIL's now Mothers too?

I think spread the love out.
Like with birthdays where you can have 'your day' on your actualy day, or on another day if it is more convenient.

Arrange what special time or meal you see your Mom, what special time/meal you see your children, also what time they carve out for their own immediate family. Doesn't have to all be squeezed into one day does it?

Personally, in past years I also have thought what about my own Mother's Day? But this year I plan to have a dinner out on a Thursday or something different instead. Not going to be told when to celebrate by some card manufacturing company.

Mother’s Day and Fathers Day are like the two high holy days of the year where my so works. It’s the elders’ time to be not only seen by family, but seen with i
others as having family.

Mothers Day can get so complicated. I know my SIL (married to H's B) gets disgusted that our MIL expects everyone to cater to her and have a big to-do. My SIL has her own aging parents, plus she is annoyed that SHE doesn't get much of a MD (she has 2 daughters, and 1 now has her own infant D). I guess all mothers are supposed to stifle anything for them until they are the Grand Matriarch of the family.

My own mother has passed. We live far away from MIL. Thank goodness!

We celebrate MD on the Sunday before. No big deal. MD is too crowded and noisy to go out that day.

You do know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and don’t have to provide an explanation for your decision, don’t you? It’s one of the great things about being an adult and it took me way too long to learn. I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day, even before I lost my mother, but even more so now, so I don’t do anything and my family knows it. I hope you’ll have the day you choose, one that brings you peace

Have you ASKED the sister to do this for you?

Don't expect others to offer if you don't convey what you want or need.

Not accusing, but I didn't get the impression you've asked and been turned down or just never asked.

Just spend Saturday with her or the Sunday before. We started doing Easter on Saturdays because it was too much a pain to have to share with one of my kids' in-laws. You are allowed to be happy too.

I remember how much work it was to coordinate getting my father to my home for a holiday I was hosting. If I was lucky someone would drive him to my home but I had to get him back to assisted living. Pretty rough after hosting all day. I decided on the last Christmas he was alive that it was getting to be too much for me to do all this running around and I wasn't sure I'd continue to have him over on the next holiday. His needs were just too much.

Have you asked your sister to help? Does she know how you feel? Be truthful, but not demanding. I feel for you: I was in your shoes & I learned that it is not just or wise to expect ONE to do it all!

Thanks to everyone who took time to answer. I will do brunch for Mom and go see my local Grandkids. Sometimes you just have to vent.

I do have to say, I agree that making one day about Mothers puts a lot of pressure on everyone. I also imagine it is painful for those who have lost Mothers.

I appreciate you all

Such a great question. My mom was diagnosed with dementia in 2019. I moved from San Diego to Oregon to move in with my parents and help them age-in-place.

I completely understand feeling burned out. God bless you.

I also have two siblings...one who visits twice a year to provide me respite, and another who is not involved at all. I send them sweet photos to keep them involved.

My sibs live out of state, so they aren't available to help on a daily basis, even if I asked. If you haven't dared to ask your sibs for help, I strongly suggest you do that.

I love that you do brunch because it sounds like it's something you look forward to. Again, if you can muster the strength, try asking your sibs to "take a shift" with THEIR Mom on Mother's Day.

My prayer for you is that you will get a whole day of restoration. ~ VV

I feel for you and your situation. I can only offer up my feelings on this coming Mother’s Day…

My father and I spent three long, tiring, painful years caring for my sweet mom together at home. We lost her in February. What I would not give to have her here for another day and another Mother’s Day.

just remember that there will come a day when she won’t be with you and that will be much more difficult than anything you are struggling with now.

charish every moment you have left with her and I wish you and your family all the best.

When my two children were old enough to want to plan things with me for Mother's Day, I started celebrating with my mom the day before.

I took my mom out on Saturday when the restaurants weren't busy and I was able to enjoy my Mother's Day on Mother's Day without running around between two households. It worked out well and I always suggest it to people who struggle with this dilemma.

Thank you Hallmark for making holidays that should be nice into pressure filled times.
The truth is not everyone has a nice warm fuzzy family, not everyone wants to spend time with people that they see but a few times a year. And not everyone always wants to be the organizer, host and referee.
I see that you are already going to do a brunch.
Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
And make comments during the brunch that next year you will have other plans and you will not be the one doing the brunch. And if you typically do another gathering during the summer if you really do not want to do that tell them now.
Happy Mothers Day

What do your kids do for you on Mother's Day? Is that what you mean by having a Mother's Day to yourself?

Why can't you do something with your parents at another time? It sounds like you do all the organizing and work for a big brunch for your kids and grandkids in honor of your mother?

And you do this kind of thing for every holiday?

When my mother turned 90, I think my brothers expected me to arrange something. I decided that each of my brothers could make their own plans. They could come and visit her that summer, so that she got to spend quality time with them (and their kids, if possible).

Why? If no one else will do it, then that's what should happen. Let every person do their own thing with the elders.

I must be a bad daughter. I don't think I've ever celebrated Mother's Day with my own mother on the day, once I became a mother myself (maybe even once I married?). I certainly won't deny the possibility. But I can't be the only one. My mom's birthday is also in May, right before Mother's Day, and I usually pick a day in between to bring presents and maybe take her to lunch. She's never complained. She does have two sons and grandchildren who live locally and I know they acknowledge these days in some way as well. But honestly, I don't know exactly what happens on the day itself. My parents were divorced, so maybe Mom is just used to celebrating holidays on alternate days sometimes.

All this is to say, why does it have to be THIS day? Can you see your mom on Saturday and do something with your grandchildren on Sunday, or vice versa? I understand the stress and bother of always having to make these days special for everyone, I guess I've always chalked that up to being a woman with a family. But do take the time to do what brings you joy! Happy Mother's Day to you.

Let's just say I can relate. I have worked on many a Mother's Day before I retired. I am an only child have two grown sons. Last year was the first time in about 10 years that I got a mother's day card. Sometimes you just want some peace of mind, nothing wrong in wanting a day to yourself. Do not feel guilty. Honor your own mom first, then it is your turn to honor yourself. I'm with you on this. Go for it.

I am a 60-year-old male (my pronouns are guy and man) and have no children, but I own a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL so I will speak from that perspective...

Anyone who is a caregiver for their adult parents is a hero! I always remind the children of my clients that they didn't come with an instruction book when they were born and their parents didn't write one to cover their old age. Taking care of your parents is like trying to build an airplane while it's already in the air - or having to take the test without reading the study guide...

Mother's Day should be (and can be) celebrated 365 days a year. Just because the greeting card company says it's one Sunday doesn't mean you can't have a Mother's Day with your mom, a Grandma's Day with the grandkids, and a "Me Day" at the spa...

You don't need to wait until May to honor your mother. Bring her flowers, buy her a gift, give her a hug just "because it's Tuesday". Acknowledge her and thank her for the profound privilege it has been to be her child. Reminisce with her and let her know she "got her job done"! That's the greatest compliment you could give a parent and what they are waiting to hear!

I promise if you begin to do that, your job as a caregiver will get 10 times more meaningful and fulfilling, and 10 times easier!!!

As for your sister, she's not going to change. The easiest way to handle her is simply to say, in a straight and matter-of-fact way, "I'm doing "X". I need you to do "Y", then shut up and listen.

If she says no, ask her to send you a check to cover the cost of hiring someone to do "Y". Don't bring any drama, upset, or judgment to the conversation. If she says no, just keep asking until she says yes or starts writing checks...

Spend it with your Mom on Saturday, and enjoy Sunday with your family.

You can ask your sisters to step up this Mother's Day too - sometimes we complain but do not ask specifically for the favor we want. It's worth a try.

Q: Is it wrong to be pissed at the one sister who has never given up one holiday?

a) Not really
b) No
c) Hell no
d) all of the above

So many of us similar situations. It’s not wrong to be upset. The workloads and sacrifices never seem to balance out. At least you know you have done your best to be sure your mom has company on the holidays.

If I were you I would visit mom on Saturday with a gift and maybe her favorite treat if it’s allowed in her diet. I don’t think you honoring her for Mother’s Day has to be exactly that day. Then have your special day with your family and try not to feel bad. You could swing by later in the day for a quick hello if there is time,

My mom passed 1-1/2 year ago and these have been my first mother’s days where I was not in the same predicament as you. I always felt terrible if I didn’t make the 150 mile round trip visit to see my mom especially since her birthday often fell on that day.

To make this all worse is my daughter passed away in 2016 so Mother’s Day is especially difficult. I’m so glad I’m not making that drive to see mom and I can do as I need for myself. It was so difficult to try and see she was honored on that day (I have two brothers who lived near her, one would do something, the other did nothing) and be grieving my daughter.

I also made these drives on Christmas and Thanksgiving. On those days we would drive to her house, pick her up, bring her to our home, make the holiday dinners and all the other holiday stuff then drive her home. 150 mile round trip. This was 600 miles of driving for each holiday. Neither brother who lived near her ever said “Don’t take mom this year because we want to take her”. I was always worried she would be alone.

So you are not alone in these crazy predicaments.

Good luck and have a nice Mother’s Day.

No it’s not wrong to want your own Mothers Day, in fact it’s very rite, yes it might be a bit misguided to focus the problem on your sister. It’s obviously been important to you to have the family together for all the holidays, including Mothers Day so you took it on. Yes your sister could have offered to host one of them but why would she when you cover it so well? These things have a way of becoming tradition in families and everyone just assumes the focal hosting family doesn’t want to give it up.

Your mom has other children and you can each choose what you want to do to recognize the day or not. You recognize your mother, your children recognize you and now their children regongnize their mothers. Grandmothers often get included when the kids are young so time for you to reap the benefits of wing included in your grandchildren’s Mothers Day appreciation. Your mom is now bedridden in a facility that takes good care of her, she isn’t ignored like many residents likely are, she is visited and thought of often. Take her a plant or flowers or something on Sat and if she asks tell her you aren’t hosting this year you are relaxing and taking in the benefits of your own grandchildren. I would hope that if she is able cognitively she will appreciate and maybe even be relieved that you are getting a day of recognition for a change. If she isn’t able to recognize the significance she probably isn’t able to really appreciate what the difference is between Sat or Mon and Sun.

Your siblings and their families can choose to honor her or not with a visit themselves, you do t need to take care of them by making sure it happens you only need to take care of yourself and your needs to recognize or not and how. Seems to me it would probably be much easier on Mom at this point too if she just stays in place and gets phone calls or spread out visits rather than a lot of activity and physical exertion given she’s in bed most of the time now. The energy it takes for our slower moving elders, especially when bed bound, to visit even if they don’t have to move is something we often don’t recognize. It’s hard for us to appreciate just how tiering even welcome visits can be. Maybe you wanting your day will be the perfect excuse for letting mom off the hook, if one of your siblings doesn’t like it they can choose to plan something.

See Lymie61's response below because it is perfect. Celebrating a holiday or Mother's day does not have to be on the exact date. For my parents & husband's aunt we honored the day before, picked up a special lunch and visited.

Doing this allowed us to visit with our children & grandchildren. It's high time you spent the day the way you choose!

You are doing more than venting. You want support and that is fine and good that you are asking. And this is a good forum to vent, too.

It sounds to me like you are trying to 'do' so much for others that you do not 'do' for yourself. Put yourself first.

You 'do' not need to coordinate care for everyone 'else.'
I gave up believing / bowing to the marketing of created holidays decades ago. It is a way for businesses to make money. This isn't to say that mother's day is to be ignored. I would change it to a "MOTHERS EVERYDAY" - which is true. To be broader in interpretation, honor parents who are healing, loving, encouraging, supportive, 365 days a year. Not one day a year.

How does this apply / relate to you/r feelings / question / comment here?

You can create a "Mother's Day" for yourself based on the calendar if you choose to do so ... You can celebrate / create 'do' a 'Mother's Day" for your mom on another day.

If you want a 'Mother's Day' to yourself - give this GIFT to yourself. Feel / believe that you deserve it. You do.

Do. e-x-a-c-t-l-y what you want on this day.

Make it y-o-u-r day - a day to remember for the entire year ...
then next year do it again !

What do YOU want to do for you? Be creative ... out of the box. There are no limits. Find your peace and inner contentent and joy.

Response to: "is it wrong to be pissed at the one sister who has a grown daughter, is retired and has never given up one holiday to let me have one all to my self?

1) No: there is no 'right' or 'wrong' - it is all about how you feel. Honor your feelings, examine them, change them. Take out the judgment. Be with your feelings as an observer.

2) Anger is healthy when expressed in healthy ways. To set yourself up to make anger 'right' or 'wrong' will / creates one of your beliefs ... it 'is' right or wrong ... when (I believe) it is honoring how you feel that is 'right,' regardless of how you feel. Honor yourself by understanding your feelings, allow them to be there.

2a) The gold nugget here is that YOU feel anger is not okay for you ... ask yourself why you feel this way. Question your responses and know that you can shift / change by awareness and choice.

3) Do not give your personal power away to 'us' asking 'us' (if it is okay to feel xxx). You feel xxx. Period. Go inside and you will find your answers.
You may find some of your healing / answers inside when you ask yourself why you are asking us if it is 'wrong to be pissed...

4) I would add that while you may feel pissed at your sister, she is doing what she wants for herself - be in selfish in your eyes or selfless. The lesson here for you to possibly realize is why and how she does what SHE wants and YOU do not. Is she a happier / more content person for being as she is ? Perhaps or perhaps not - and that doesn't matter. She has to live in herself with her decisions, as you / we all do.

And ... perhaps part of this discussion is that we all need to 'accept what is,' whether we like it or not ... then we need to (forgive) LET IT GO and move on. Otherwise, we get stuck in it ... and who suffers? Your sister? No. You. Don't hold on to resentments. You can learn to let go and move on. It is a process when we become aware that we have a choice to do so. It is a matter of 'refocusing' our thoughts / intentions. It is ... a discipline of sorts. It is a process of REWIRING OUR brain neurons ... (See / google Rick Hansen, Linda Graham - get their book(s) -

In other words, trust yourself and (re-think/tweak) forget the man-made calendar of holidays.

Create a holiday celebration whenever and however you want.

Gena / Touch Matters

If mom is in a home, make Saturday a special day for her, you do not owe any one an answer why Saturday, then treat your self to a special mothersday on Sunday. If mom asks, just tell her this is the way you decided this year. Don’t be a holiday slave. It is what it is and in the end you will be glad you stood your ground.

I am and have been the sole caregiver for my Mom for the past 3 years. I have two sisters that contribute minimal to Mom’s care. Their choice.
I have asked for many things and always get told no for many different reasons. I hire the help I need using Mom’s money of course. Sisters won’t pitch in money either.
My sisters never did a Holiday with my Mom in the past 3 years and come to think of it I did most, if not all Holidays over the years when Mom was younger and Dad was alive. I am the youngest by the way.
Bottom line for me is that they (sisters) will do what they want and won’t do what they want. Nothing more to it really. You should do what makes you happy. If spending Mother’s Day with your mother is the answer then do it! If spending time the day before or after with her is it for you then do that!
I don’t wait for anyone to make plans or step up anymore. I do what I am comfortable with and that is it!
Recently I was invited to my sister’s grandson’s baptism. I chose not to attend. Because I did not attend no one stepped up to bring my Mother so she didn’t attend either. (I’m sure I was invited so I would bring Mom). I said to my husband that I felt bad Mom couldn’t go cause I didn’t go. His response to me was that it isn’t my responsibility and he is 100% correct! Just because I have taken on the job of being Mom’s caregiver doesn’t mean I am responsible for all the other things. After all, she has two other daughters, and they could have picked her up, but they chose not to. That is on them.
I think as caregivers we tend to take on all the responsibility that goes with it and sometimes we have to step away and do what is right for us at that time. Let the chips fall where they may. My Mom knows I am there for her and that is what matters to me the most.
Best wishes for a Happy Peaceful Mother’s Day no matter how YOU choose to spend it!

Grandmaofeight: Perhaps you can see your mother on the day before.