My mom has had covid, heart failure, and several UTI's in the past year. She also had a fall a couple weeks ago but luckily people at her building were able to pick her up off the ground. She's already had a hip replaced from a fall (which she no longer remembers) and fractured her spin falling out of bed a couple years ago.
She's currently in senior living with access to care, but they raised her rent $94/mo and she's become convinced she must find a new place to live that's cheaper. In fact, there's no where she'll save money when it all washes out. Her current place is nice, with food, laundry & apartment cleaning included. Her doctor visits 2x/mo in home.
She keeps telling me she needs to move to near where I grew up and insisting I pay for her to move. I sort of wonder if she wants to go "home" to live out the end of her time, but I can't in good conscience move her to a place with zero care. But she's relentless in this quest.
She's also driving all over the city looking for apartments with 5-year expired tags. Two weeks ago, she got a ticket for that and is due to appear in court. I'm out of state and at a loss with this situation. During her last hospital visit the doctor told her she would be in assisted living within a year, and that made her furious. I'm pretty sure she also has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, but she refuses all care, so this is only anecdotal from therapists I've spoken to about her behavior.
I've read people with dementia don't relate to logic. I've tried to be empathetic and up until now have just agreed with her ideas in an uncommitted way. But now it's escalated, and I don't know what to do. It seems very dangerous to herself and others to be out driving all over the place.
Meanwhile, make plans to get her into a memory care facility. She won't be driving once she's in one, she'll have transportation and outings.
- are you her PoA? If not, is anyone?
- what state does she currently live in?
- was she ever given a cognitive/memory test by her doctor?
The "going home" thing is called Sundowning and is a common feature of dementia. My 100-yr old Aunt with dementia wanted to go home every afternoon, even though she was sitting in her home of 45 years. They want to go to the "home" in their long-term memory.
If you are willing, in order to take control of the situation before she injures or kills herself or someone else with her driving (or gets lost, causes damage, etc) you will need to go there in person for about 2 weeks. You will need time to talk to her doctors, maybe a lawyer, maybe social services. You will need to get her on meds for anxiety if appropriate, and figure out her next level of care and whether she can afford it. Who is helping her to manage her financial affairs? Who goes to the doctor with her? If the answer is "no one" then you cannot trust anything she is telling you.
You are not obligated to intervene at all but you then must accept that the county social services will eventually be involved and she will get a court-appointed legal guardian (if you are not her PoA). Then that guardian will make all the decisions for your Mom going forward. Or, if you are not her PoA, you yourself can pursue guardianship for her, and move her local to you.
Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic and reason, so that their judgment can't function properly. They also lose the ability to have empathy for others, so she won't care that she's running your or anyone else ragged, or endangering people on the roads. FYI you can start by reporting her bad driving to the DMV for her state online. I've done this more than once. This is how you start to end her driving. The other part is to remove the car completely and to warn others to not lend her their vehicles. With memory loss and cognitive deficits, she is not a candidate for Uber, Lyft or any other public transportation -- not even county-sponsored services (unless she goes with someone who is capable and willing to accompany her on those trips).
It would help you to help her if you learned a little more about dementia. I watched Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and she gives strategies for how to engage with LOs with dementia for more peaceful and productive interactions.
Please provide the requested info so we can give you better, more specific guidance.
Please do visit if you can. I cannot tell if she is "driving all over the place", doing real good exploration, or has a UTI and is suffering from some confusion. I think neither can you. That means you have to "be there".
I hope you will update us.
1. Yes I have POA
2. She lives in CO
3. She has been given cognitive tests. Her abilities drop significantly when she's ill, and the last time she was hospitalized the Dr told me she has mid-stage dementia and would probably end up in assisted living within a couple years. What's weird is that she seems pretty with it other than some short term memory loss most of the time, except for this new obsession with moving.
I didn't realize the "going home" feature was related to sundowning so that's very helpful.
Learn about dementia so you understand what is going on here. For now, I suggest you read this 42 page booklet, Understanding the Dementia Experienced by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller Fuller:
https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/1/understanding-the-dementia-experience
Your mother also suffers from anosognosia where she's unable to acknowledge her limitations or believe she has dementia.
As POA, you have the power to place her against her wishes. Better she's angry with you and safe than living independently and burning the place down or drinking Listerine.
Dementia is not the same every day or even every hour. Sometimes they are lucid, other times bugs are crawling on them. They revert back in time, a little at a time to when they were young and life was easy. Going "home" represents that place in time rather than a brick and mortar building.
You have a crisis on your hands right now, with a mom suffering from dementia driving all over the city looking for apartments with 5-year expired tags who's due to appear in court! Please take this crisis seriously and come to Colo.
thank you @Geaton777 for this suggestion.
Next will be working out the longer term plan. That will probably need a boots on the ground visit.
Aim to keep her trust. You know her best.. if you get bossy, will she listen to you? Or clam up & stop talking to you? Then you won't even hear how things are (until a dire accident).
1. Try to reduce her need to panic.
Reassure her that the rent increase is OK, she CAN afford it, that moving will cost much much more.
2. More Doctor time.
Send an email to Mom's Doctor.
List your concerns as bullet points.
While the Doctor cannot get her physically off the road, I've noticed they have some ways to see a patient more: schedule more frequent checkups, prescription fills, flu jab etc.
If you can be in the loops, get updates thru a portal/email - even better!
3. Keep suggesting home help. Cleaning service, groceries delivered, or a person to shop with.
It's a rare person that says 'You know, I think I will move into assisted living. I need a bit more help now'. Sadly, it often needs a 'take-over'.