Follow
Share

Hello:
My Mother is healthy and has announced she will be moving IN with me when my father passes away. I am an only child and they did not finacially plan for their retirements.


I usually ignore these comments, because who knows what's going to happen ten or twenty years down the road. My Mother suffers for anxiety which is poorly managed, and I'm sure she's mostly ruminating on an uncertain future.


I was divorced a few years ago, and had to sell our house. I've carefully managed the proceeds from the sale and lived below my means to nuture a nest egg so I may purchase my very own house! I'm very excited to finally have something of my own that's not dependent on anyone else.


When I announced my plans, the very first response from my Mother was a list of demands. "Make sure I have space. We will need parking and no stairs!"


My feelings are hurt. I didn't even get a congratulations or any excitement. Besides she knows the neighborhood I want to live in is all old brownstone townhouses. I'm not moving far away from my job now so she maybe can have a flat home to stay in someday. Oh, and I also never invited her.


How do I handle this over the holidays? She will inevitably bring it up. She sulks and pouts and holds grudges if you are firm with her at all. I also want to be humane because I know anxiety is hard. I have no siblings and children, so I'll eventually be in elder care myself, which is something I'm also saving for. She's put a real damper on my holidays and home shopping.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
You do realize that your mom is mentally ill, right?

This is not normal behavior. Call it narcissism, lack of boundaries, no filter, it IS mental illness.

It will get worse as she ages, especially if dementia sets in.

Is she seeing a psychiatrist to manage her anxiety?

Have you read a book by Townsend and Cloud called Boundaries? You need to start setting good ones. You need to develop a thick skin so that her comments dont hurt you. Consider individual therapy.

I would also strongly advise travelling for the holidays this year. Dont give her an opportunity to pout.

Were you allowed to pout as a child? Was your every whim catered to?
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
lealonnie1 Oct 2019
Awesome advice!!! I second it, wholeheartedly. And LOVE the 'travel for the holidays this year' suggestion! I actually took a job where I will be WORKING for the holidays this year, thank you God.
(10)
Report
Go right out and buy yourself a ONE bedroom, ONE bathroom condo with no room to expand! Also, invest in ONE knife, ONE fork and ONE spoon, and likewise ONE bowl, ONE plate and ONE cup.

Gee mother, I'd love to have you but there is just NO room at the inn!!

Seriously, though. When my mentally ill anxiety ridden mother told me that she and dad would be moving in with ME rather than spend 'all that money' in Assisted Living, I let her know IMMEDIATELY that such a thing was NOT an option. Period. I too am an only child, and not interested in cohabitating with my mother again. Once was MORE than enough, as a kid, and all I ever wanted to do was get OUT of there. Anxiety and depression and sulking and pouting is just TOO MUCH nonsense to bear.

Don't do it.

Let your feelings be known NOW, and let your mother alone to sulk and pout. She can make an appointment at the doctor's office for some medication to help her with the issues she suffers with, unless she enjoys the conditions and uses them to her advantage. Hint hint.

Lay down the law. Your mother is healthy and probably relatively young. Think about it.......she may have 20 or 30 YEARS left to live. Do you want no privacy for the next few decades? And to deal with these histrionics??

Your mother's 'financial planning' for her elder years includes Social Security and living within her monthly allowance, as it does for MANY, MANY senior citizens. It is not written anywhere that a parent automatically moves in with their children! Do not let her bamboozle you and make any 'announcements' to you. It's YOUR turn to make an announcement to HER!

Best of luck
Helpful Answer (27)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Love it! Great answer.
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
Just be honest. that youre not buying a home with someone living with you in mind. and that she must bear the burden of her managing on her own for now. and when the time comes if it comes that she needs assistance you can revisit the situation. you werent brought into this world to be a future care taker.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

The three first answers are spot-on. I hope you take the good advice given here, and stand FIRM against your mother’s manipulation. You have planned well for your future, so don’t let her ruin the rest of your life! Tell her that she can apply for Medicaid when her money runs out, and find a place that accepts it! You don’t owe her a forever B&B.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Regardless of whether your mother ever moves in with you, I would advise you to consider a home with a full bath and a room that could be used as a bedroom on the ground floor, as well as properties where at least one entrance can support a ramp - for yourself, not your mother.

A few years ago a friend of mine in her 30s was house hunting and got the same advice because even young people can have accidents and not be able to handle stairs for a few weeks or months. She purchased an old Victorian which did have a full bath on the first level along with a kitchen, laundry, dining room, living room, parlor, and den. A couple of months later she fell leaving an outdoor concert and broke her ankle badly, requiring 2 surgeries and pins to heal. The den became her bedroom for over 6 months.

Buy the home of your dreams and tell Mom you aren't planning on her moving in anytime soon so in the meantime you are going to enjoy your "dream" home.

Sometime after your have purchased your home, you may want to have a separate conversation with your mother about her living with you when she's a widow. My mother knew she did not want to live alone since she never had. Mom moved from her parents' home to her husband's home (which included a FIL & SIL) when she married. I was open to having my mother move in with me. If you're not, you may want to reset your mother's expectations toward a senior living community or AL for her widowhood. My experience has been the longer you allow someone to build a false narrative in their head, the harder it is to displace their preferred outcome with some version of reality.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
newhouse Oct 2019
Unfortunetly it's the area- The style of the homes I'm looking at are attached city rowhouses/townhouses that are 80-150 years old. They are tall and narrow floorplans. Sometimes people have rennovated with powder rooms on the first floor, but full baths or bedrooms on first are almost unheard of, unfortunately, even with large 8 bedroom houses.
Elders often sell to move into condos or more accessible homes, or sometimes install lifts.
(3)
Report
And understand that just because you buy a home that COULD be accessible to you mom does NOT mean that she is allowed to invite herself in to live there.

Each and every home I ever bought was given consideration as to handicap accessibility. This was because I never wanted to be in a situation with a disabled child/spouse/guest and not be able to accommodate them. NOT because I was planning for my parents to move in.

Set the boundaries now and let her pout all she wants.

One of my daughter's friends just lost her mom; the woman had Borderline Personality Disorder and had screwed her daughter over many times. Forged her signature on paperwork for NH payments and the like. Ended up homeless for several weeks because she signed herself out of the Medicaid ALF that the state sent her to.

My daughter's friend loved her mom but understood that if she enabled her, it would destroy her marriage, her financial security and her children's lives. She very reluctantly walked away and allowed her mother to make her own (bad) choices.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

Like Tara's answer.

You may want to sit down with Dad and Mom and tell them they need to consider the other's future if one passes. If their house is too big, downsize. Take the proceeds and put in an interest bearing acct. With the Facebook online yardsales, u can get pretty good prices for those things u don't need or want. That you feel, they need to be independent as long as possible. There are resources out there for Seniors. Senior apartments where rent is on scale. Low income apartments. Electricity and heating help. Cut back on cable or get an antenna.

I am big on if they are capable to live on their own then they should. I used Moms money before I used any of my own. Children are not responsible to keep u in the lifestyle u were accustom to before a spouse died. We all need to learn how to live on what we get.

At this point, do what u want for you. Just tell Mom that, for now, this is what you are doing. You cannot promise anything. Things happen and life changes. Your Mom may get to the point where u cannot care for her for whatever reason. If u need to work, that is a good reason. Her have anxiety is another thing. Don't think she would be easy to live with.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Please tell us you have no intention at all ever of having her live with you! The tone of your post kind of hints at you maybe giving in later on? Don't do it!
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

Huh? What is the problem? Buy the house you want, tell both parents that you will be unable to have them live with you and it is time for them to start planning for their own future.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Congratulations on saving up enough so you can have something of your very own! GOOD ON YOU!
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

NewHouse, please post back and let us know how you are doing, and what your plan is. We care!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Wow, I wish I could tell my grown daughter what to do!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Takincare Oct 2019
They tend to listen about as well as they did when teenagers, and boy does my tongue bleed when I bite it instead of saying I told you so🤣😝
(3)
Report
You have a sit down with mom and dad and explain very calmly that you will not be letting mom move in, EVER. If she chooses to behave like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum you say that you will not be visiting until she can act like an adult. Then go enjoy your new home, the one you want and dream of.

You will just have to deal with her manipulative behavior and keep your boundaries. It is hard but soooooooo much easier than having a surly, manipulative, self centered parent stealing your wellbeing to prop them up. She has made the decision to not improve the quality of her life by treating her mental illness, that doesn't make it your burden to bear.

Tell them both what options she will have, ie house share, il, al or staying in her home with paid help. You have to make it very clear that you are not her plan A or B or C.

You can do it!
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Takincare Oct 2019
And make it clear to the both of them that you ARE NOT paying for their care. Sorry to say that many of our LO expect us (or those who they perceive can afford it) to pay their way and care for them 24x7. This is one area I put my foot down with MIL when SIL kept asking for money. Told her how care in facility worked, her copays if needed and how Medicaid worked. Asked her who would have to pay penalty if SIL didn't return funds, well....my son would, told her nope not going to happen, her thoughts are it's HIS money, surprise, it's mine too, not just his and if she chose to give large sum away she could spend penalty time with SIL. Oh no I couldn't stand it, all those dogs, only 1 bathroom, not a great area, only have a bedroom instead of her own bath, bedroom, and 2nd bedroom made into her sitting room. Plus they only have basic cable. Told her well then I guess you're not going to give any money away are you.... overheard her telling SIL, oh no it's all tied up in a cd for awhile, guess I was lucky to get thru that time.
(2)
Report
Short and sweet. It’s your life, your money, your house!

Congrats on buying a house, by all means enjoy it. You’ve earned it!

Just be honest and tell her it isn’t in your plan to have her live with you.

You sound pretty damn smart to me, a responsible grown woman. I don’t think you will have an issue articulating your feelings.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

You tell her, "Mum, I am buying a home for me, not for you. I do not want your ideas nor your input."

I have done this with my mother in my home. She likes to tell me what do do inside and out. I remind her in no uncertain terms that she has no say in how I decorate my home, how I plant my garden and the conversation is over. She also has no say in how I live my life.

If she were to pout or sulk I would remove myself from her presence.

Tell you Mum now and repeatedly that she is not going to live with you. Remind your Dad that you will not be living with Mum and the two of them had better make plans for their future.

It is about setting boundaries and sticking with them. You are not responsible for Mum's anxiety and it is not your fault if it is poorly managed. That is something for Mum and Dad to sort out together.

There is no rule that you have to spend the holidays with your folks. Go do something for yourself.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

You tell her, "I have no intention of moving you in with me. I will always be around to look after your well-being but you are NOT moving in with me. Let's look at your finances and start making a plan now for your future needs." Then, investigate local senior apartments for her that will be somewhat closeby to you.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
AlvaDeer Oct 2019
I wish I could be this beautifully concise and compact in my answers. Please tell Tiger I am TRYING!
(4)
Report
The holidays are not the time to discuss this.
However, soon after, you owe it to yourself and to your mother to tell her (possibly by mail so that she is unable to argue before she understands the facts) that you are very sorry, but her moving in will not be possible now or in future. She has a right to the dignity of honesty, and to know what is ahead so that she can best plan for it. She needs to know that saving what she is able to is crucial to her future, that she must not "gift" and must be aware of the 5 years medicaid lookback.
I think, moreover, that you owe it to YOURSELF to understand now that you do not wish EVER to live with your Mother. We are human beings with limitations. I could not live with an elder, cannot with my brother. I know that and am honest about it. You don't get along well now, and that is certain to worsen as she ages.
Please be honest. It is VERY unfair not to be. It is, in fact, it is inhumane.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

In this case only, I will pass on the information once given to me:
"Do not put it in writing". "You leave a paper trail behind you".

This may apply to Newhouse. Would not want someone who holds grudges to use written promises against you.

Hold off on focusing what you are not going to do for Mom. Focus on saying you may help her find separate housing whenever she brings this up. Hope that is helpful. Even though I agree with AlvaDeer, when she says:
"(possibly by mail so that she is unable to argue before she understands the facts) ". That may be a good idea.

Could it be that Mom is just talking out of her anxiety? It causes you anxiety, I hear that.

This could happen 10-20 years from now? You have time to change her expectations of you maybe.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Look into 55 and up income based senior apartments in your area and put her name on the wait list. You may also want to place her on a section 8 wait list for the elderly. You don’t have to go along with her plans
Helpful Answer (22)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
What a great idea! These places always have waiting lists. She can know that she has helped her mom plus solve a problem for herself too by showing her mom that she is not abandoning her.

Not that she owes her this. Of course her mom may not approve of it either but oh well... Worth a try! OP still doesn’t have to back down and let mom move in. If her mom brings it up she has tell her that she is not going to change her mind and allow her to move in.
(5)
Report
Buy the house you plan for yourself, and enjoy your life there. If Mom won't be comfortable there it is irrelevant. If she complains that she won't be able to live there say, "I understand; when you are ready we will find you a place (nearby?) that you will be comfortable in" and do it. Keep to this a simple conversation and don't let her debate about what you should do and why. If she fusses at you, just explain concisely that you have to plan now for your own senior years. Say as little as possible. She is old and insecure and not thinking about you in any way other than what she perceives as your responsibility to care for her. She is forgetting that you must first care for yourself.
Helpful Answer (20)
Report

Thank you, everyone. I will be more firm with her next time I see her, and she starts up with this. She is trying to get a part time job over the holidays, and I'm hoping this gives her something productive to do with her anxiety.

I feel like a monster for not wanting to be my mother's roommate or full time caretaker. We don't have a contentious relationship currently and she was a young single parent and did do a lot for me. I do feel like I owe her. However, we also have very different lifestyles that I don't think would mesh at all for either of us.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
You’re not a monster. You are smart to listen to your instincts. Very smart!
(12)
Report
See 3 more replies
My dear, parents are OBLIGED to care for their children.

You are not obliged to take in your mother due to her lack of planning.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
Bamagirl88 Oct 2019
If only it was that simple.
(2)
Report
Please do what is best for YOU. You matter; your life matters.

When we built our home 20 years ago, we designed it with a full bath in the main floor and 2 rooms that could be converted to a bedroom + sitting room or closet. All with the plan of my elderly parents or childless, widowed aunt to move in. All have passed & now it is the plan for hubby & I if need be.

MIL commented a few years back that it would be perfect for her if FIL passed 1st. Hubby, who had a few beers in him at the time, told her flat out it wasn’t going to happen, that she could live with her daughters. Oh my, the pouting & guilting never stopped. Fast forward a few years ... FIL passed, MIL moves in with her 2 daughters (that live together) and within 2 months it’s not working out. SILs decide MIL should move in with us because we have the room. Hubby, with no beers in him this time, flat out told them it never was or will be an option and if they can’t make it work then MIL should move into AL.

Guess they are making it work. SILs stopped talking to him when he held firm to his boundary. The added bonus is because they no longer speak to him he no longer gets the calls or texts demanding he do this that or the other thing.

To be clear, he did not abandon his parents; he just stopped being the family doormat. His 2 sisters were both gifted house down payments (each individually & then when they bought together), yard equipment (tractors, mowers, etc.), new appliances, purchases for room upgrades, free child care, & vacations throughout the past 30 years. During that time my husband, I, & our 3 sons helped my in-laws while my 2 SILs & their children did not nor were they expected to because “they are single parents & are too busy”. Hubby & his 2 brothers all now feel it is time for the 2 sisters to now help their mom who only helped them all these years.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

I am just curious. Does your father know about your mother's intention to destroy your life with her selfishness (after he dies, of course!). It would be interesting to know what HE thinks/ feels about this situation!
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I agree with the above answers given here for you! My mother had the nerve to have all her items boxed up and sent to my house about 15 years ago (not even warning me beforehand that she was going to do this!). I refused to accept the shipment; my mother was ticked off with me, but then bought her own home about ten miles away from us. She developed dementia/Alzheimer's about seven years ago, and I stepped in to take over her affairs, placed her in a home, and made sure she was well-taken care of. She passed away about a year ago, and I do not regret my decision to not accept her into our home. She was looking for someone to take care of her and we simply did not have a close relationship; it would have been an overwhelming burden for our family and a strain on our already tenuous marriage.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report
Beatty Oct 2019
Respect to you. Common sence prevails over manipulation or guilt.
(12)
Report
I suppose it just crosses some people's minds at some stage - what would I do, where would I live if suddenly alone? An occasional worry about the future but as you say, your Mother has anxiety so she will worry more.

My Uncle said if Aunt went first he'd move in with his only daughter. She said "it will be lovely Dad *for the week* then I'll drop you at a hotel". It was said many times as a jest with much laughter - although were both serious.

Would humour work for you? Or maybe just respond to the worry "Wherever we both live Mother, we'll be just fine".

Congratualtions by the way - enjoy your house your way :)
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Maryjann Oct 2019
(So did Uncle go first?)
(0)
Report
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

My husband's mother invited herself to move in with us and it has been the worst three years of our lives.  She behaves like WE are living with HER and that our house is hers. Our last argument was her telling us the new paint for our kitchen "is not going to happen" because she did not like the color.   She makes demands as to every inch of the house...wanting everything her way.  It has put a unnecessary and unwanted strain on our marriage, finances and well being.  So...all in all, my advice is to nip it in the bud right now.  She needs to have her own place.  She has had her life...DO NOT let her take yours.  She got to pick out her home, decide where she wanted to live...she has no right to take that from you.  Entitlement knows no age apparently.  You will grow resentful very, very quickly...believe me, I know.  She bought her home and had her life, now it is time for you to have yours.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with her living in a small condo or apartment of her own.  DO not settle or you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.  You have worked hard and saved for what you want.  Get it.  She can hold a grudge, fine.  Do not let her do this...it will set the stage for her behavior for the rest of your life.  My mother in law has made my husband and myself miserable.  We are empty nesters and thought that once our children left for college we could have peace and privacy...now we have none.  She literally behaves as if we are living in her home and that we have to cater to her.  We cannot even have a private conversation between each other or on our phones... It is awful.  I would hate for the same thing to happen to anyone else.    Always remember, her lack of retirement planning or lack of self reliance is not your problem or your obligation.  Trust a perfect stranger across a keyboard...make it clear she needs her own place and that is that.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
AnnReid Oct 2019
After 3 years, why is she still there?
(12)
Report
See 2 more replies
I'm with the "set boundaries" crowd. And do it immediately and repeatedly. The next time she makes any reference to moving in with you, respond immediately, calmly and firmly by saying,: "Well, THAT"S not gonna happen.. So what's your plan B ? " Then repeat as needed. And then buy exactly the house you really want, where you really want. And most importantly DO NOT tell her anything about the house search or purchase until it's a done deal. Then let the grudges, sulks and pouting begin. Those are not your responsibilty. And don't forget to put down boundries about how much of that you will put up with too. Refuse to stay present, or stay on the phone for those tactics. Firmly, calmly, quietly say: I'll see you later when you are in a better mood. Then go enjoy your new home.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
kdcm1011 Oct 2019
I love this response!
(0)
Report
Many a Slip between the Cup and the Big Lip...MOM'S...Yes, Lots can happen Down this Dirt Road so Relax. many Good and Able Seniors go into Assisted Living and the Rest, At your Best, Put them in a Nursing Facility.
Enjoy your Life, Stop all of the Strife.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Bamagirl88 Oct 2019
I did exactly what your mom wants. My husband and I in looking for a new house and downsizing at same time found one that would accommodate my mother also. Big mistake.
Things are so bad that our relationship is ruined and I just want her out of my life.
She is resentful it is our house and thinks we owe her everything. She made no financial plans for her future. We
did but not for 3 people.
Get online and find what is available for her in your area. Be prepared with information. My mother refuses to move out. It’s a big horrible mess. We no longer enjoy our home.
Just tell her you will not be able to afford the 2 of you. You will help her find information for herself but that is all you can do.
(1)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter