Mother living with us and we are all so stressed. Any advice appreciated!

She is 62. My daughter's age, by the way. Since, I, her mother, two times cancer survivor, am not dependent at 81, you can imagine I have very little sympathy for your mother, given her lack of courage in even discussing this with you.
Since she will NOT discuss it, I am afraid it is time to take action.l

Your mother's cancer is now cured or in remission.
It is time for your mother to be given a "lawyer letter" (any attorney can do this, but landlord/tenant is best) telling her the date of her eviction. This should be airtight and professional.

You have made many mistakes here. Given you painted yourself into a tough corner by making YOUR home your Mom's home, you have complicated matters.

You make no mention of her finances, but she is likely too young to collect SS, even at early retirement age. She may have to get a job.

So given you did this it will take a while to unwind. Seems to me that 6 months is a reasonable time. Encourage her to get a job and begin to save to a room she will rent in someone else's home.

There should be no argument or discussion after the letter is delivered. Only reminders of the date you will begin court action to remove her.

Good luck.

She wants to stay where she is because she considers your house to be hers. She knows that no one else is going to put up with her behavior and only paying $200 a month.

If you want her to go and she isn't serious about leaving, serve her with eviction papers. Then she will have to move.

Also, she is not to blame for why you're stressed, exhausted, and have physical illness. She doesn't own the blame for all of it exclusively.

You should consider making some changes. Like forgetting about the homeschooling for your autistic special-needs children. It's ridiculous and enables you to make yourself into a martyr. Put them in school. They should be around other kids their age and they would be in special education classes. So unless you are a Special Ed teacher and I'm guessing you're not, put them in school.

Once that's done, it will free up some of your time and take a lot of pressure off of you. Next, get a job. Start helping out with the household bills so money won't be such a problem.

Then only if you and your husband agree, make your mother an offer. She can move into the garage and make it her own, or she can be served with eviction.

No wonder you’re stressed! As a former special Ed teacher, I’d highly advise you to change this situation quickly, and in many ways. Children with special needs thrive with calm, stability, and routine. Disorder and stress makes their world much worse. They would benefit from being in school, special needs instruction is not regular Ed watered down, it’s instruction in specific methods along with behavior modification techniques. Your children are missing that along with much needed socialization. Your mother needs to be told, minus guilt and without apology, the living arrangement isn’t working for anyone. Offer to help her find a new place, but be firm that a move is happening. Don’t expect other family members to take her in, they don’t want this for the same reasons you don’t and that’s valid. Your home life, marriage, and children must be your priority, along with building a more solid financial foundation. Never apologize for that

Evict her. 

Whatever the law is in your state to have her legally removed from your home, do it. Get it started.

You’re suffering. It’s time. Get this started on Monday. 

In the meantime, ask her to find other living arrangements right away and tell her you are damn serious. Hand her the phone, a pen with a pad of paper and tell her to start calling other family members or places for rent. If she needs the numbers, provide them to her. Tell her in no uncertain terms that her leaving is a near future event and to get her ducks in a row. 

Would you be a terrible daughter? Absolutely not. You’ve gone above and beyond at this point. 

No more, Sjay. You can do this.

She acts entitled because you have been treating her that way and doing for her things that she should be doing herself.
Give her a deadline.
You may have to go to court and legally, officially evict her.

Sjay,

I can certainly see why there is so much stress in your life.

Your post is a bit confusing to me. Please help me to understand your situation.

You say that your dad died and left you his house. I am wondering why he didn’t leave the house to your mom. You must not live in a community property state like I do.

Then you say that you “allowed” your mother to stay in “your” home if she kept up with the mortgage.

Did you have a written contract in place for this agreement? Was your mom working? Was the entire mortgage payment considered rent?

You say that your husband lost his job and your family moved back into your home. I hope that he will find a better paying job soon.

So, your mom was paying the entire mortgage but she didn’t have the entire house to herself.

Your family lived in the house with her. That’s an odd arrangement.

What were you paying? Utility bills? Groceries? Insurance? Car payment? Etc.? Was everything equally divided between all of you?

Your mom had cancer but is now in remission. Can she get a job? She’s not too old to get a job.

Was there ever a discussion about how long your mother was going to live with you? If there wasn’t, she probably assumed that she could remain living with your family.

Tell your mom that you have two children who need you and that you can no longer take on the responsibilities of caring for her too.

Your children deserve to live in a calm household, instead of being around this type of friction between their parents and their grandmother.

You have chronic illness. You are home schooling your children who have special needs.

Of course, you need a break from time to time. You’re exhausted!

The stress in your life is going to make your chronic illness worse.

What did your mom say when you asked her to move into the garage?

Her family members don’t have to take her in. They aren’t responsible for her wellbeing. They will most likely tell her that she cannot live with them.

When do you think senior housing will be available for her? I hope the wait won’t be too much longer for all of your sakes.

Best of luck to you and your family!

I see you are being given advise and it is all very good advise so I am just going to say I am sorry for what you are going through and how tired I know you are. I have been there and done that so I understand you 100%. Take care of you and make mom do something for herself so you can care for yourself and your family. Lots of love and prayers and good luck.

I am sorry you are having to deal with all this. You described the situation very well and you are not being unreasonable. Your mother needs to move out. I think you know that. Others have given you solid advice. I wanted to add a couple things from my experience. It might be controversial but, here goes... I am familiar with personalities like your mother from first hand experience. Its very difficult and lots of people from "just kinda funny and wacky families" don't get it. Its not cute or "just family", it can be toxic. I don't know anything more that what you wrote so I won't go on. Here's my additional input to the good advice already given. Sometimes, people who sound like your mother will respond to what's in it for them. How will they come out ahead? and how will they will get the best deal, With the least amount of work and risk. Not saying its right to pursue this angle, maybe its manipulative, but just in my experience, to get the behavior you want and the change you want, sometimes that approach works. This is not about being understood or validated. That will likely not happen with a very self centered person. But it is about getting the behavior change and situation change you are seeking. Maybe she can be impressed about the much more space and rooms she will have at the brother's place? Will $200. per month make the brother's girlfriend see things differently? Maybe her sister could use an extra $200 per month and mom could get something she wants from living there. A new vista? a chance to start over? A new friend nearby? A fancier neighborhood? able to walk to the mall or shops or coffee place to socialize? Some perk that she doesn't have living with you? Its about what is in it for her (mom). I know this is very transactional. That is exactly what this is. But sometimes, it is what works. At least to get unstuck. Likely, to move on to the next mess. But at least, a different one. And maybe with others to shoulder some of her stuff. Some may say its not right to hoist your difficult mom on other relatives. Well, its not working for you. There is no law that says you have to be it. Maybe her brother and sister are at a point in their lives where they can tolerate and entertain her for a few years? At least better than you can right now. You are overwhelmed with raising 2 autistic kids and trying to keep a marriage intact. Mom's siblings may be at a better place to handle her for now. When they can't, well, we'll see... As others have said, your mother is very young at 62. Is there any incentive that she wants or responds to? I know people like this are often very dependent and want you to decide everything so they have no responsibility. They also tend to be very superficial. Don't have a lot of deep relationships. But new people and situations can be interesting as a source of supply. In my opinion, continuing to press the how much this is hurting you and your family will not get through to a real self centered person. They really don't care. Their needs come first. Its hard. I know. Consider looking into ways to to initiate a change that she would see as a benefit to her. ie, You don't have to deal with my difficult kids and family. You don't have to stay in the garage. You can go different places and eat different food, new restaurants, you can meet new people. New grocery store. New shops. New park. More upscale neighborhood. Closer to the airport. Start over, you're still so young.... whatever appeals to her. Set boundaries is cliche and true but difficult people don't make that easy. Don't second guess yourself. You are correct in wanting a change. Good luck.

What an awful situation. I'm not sure how to help but I would seriously consider putting the kids in school. Many are great with special needs kids and the routine would help them socially as well. You can always start homeschooling again after things calm down at home if you decide. Also, it would allow you to get at least part time work. multi benefits to that. One it gets you away from Mommy dearest for awhile, it would also give you time with others adults, and third would help some with finances.
I would not give mom a choice. Set up a bed with a privacy screen and move her arse out of the house. She'll either suck it up, or hate it and move out. At 62, she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Im 65 and work two part-time jobs, take care of my elderly mom, and still find a way to spend date time with my husband. You need to regain some control of your life again or you are going to crack up and be no good to anybody. I have a church family that helps me too. God bless. Your situation is extremely difficult and it will not be easy to improve the situation. One day at a time and I hope and pray that you can find some help soon

I have a totally different view.

Mom doesn’t want to leave because she still feels like it is her house. If you are now living there as well, I don’t think Mom should have to pay the whole mortgage , especially since her choices are the couch or the garage to sleep .

I’m a bit perplexed as to why your father left the house to you and in effect making his wife homeless . It’s hurtful to make a spouse homeless . Or were they divorced ?

You moved in, crowding Mom with your challenging family issues and Mom got cancer. That had to be stressful for everyone especially Mom .

Your father made Mom homeless , Mom knows you want to kick her out , yet you don’t understand why she’s in a bad mood if you also want free babysitting .

You don’t want to be inconvenienced yet you expect another relative to be inconvenienced by Mom living with them.

I’m sorry but I believe your mother is depressed from her life being upended by living with your family .

I know it’s your house , but see it through Mom’s eyes , how your financial problems resulted in your mother having to live on a couch or in the garage like Cinderella.

Prior to that Mom was told she could stay there so long as she paid the mortgage .

Telling your Mom to live with another relative is not the answer . Getting Mom help for her depression that she is suffering from living with you and not even having a bedroom for some private space is the answer . This will help her to be more independent . Also it would be nice to help her find a place to live .

I feel more sorry for your Mom .

"My dad passed away and left me his house and I allowed my mother to stay in it if she kept up the mortgage."

My impression is that OP had her own home so Mom was allowed to stay in the home she had been living in as long as she paid the mortgage. Then OP lost her home, moving in with Mom who now pays $200 towards room and board. She is not paying the mortgage now. (I also got the impression that when OP moved in, Mom was suppose to move out but got sick)

You and Dad must have had a weird relationship with Mom for him to leave you the house. You do need to realize that this was Moms house. She cleaned it, she decorated it and then her husband left it to his child. What a slap in the face. I would be one angry wife. All is good and then my daughter moves her family of 4 in and I am now regulated to the couch and are being asked to move out. You really have to sympathize with her.

My suggestion is to go to Social Services and see if she can get SSI which is a supplimental income. I have no idea how SSD goes when ur widowed before the ability to collect Social Security.

Lets say that Mom was not on Social Security Disability. At 60, as a widow, she could start collecting a %. At 62, 75%. If Dad would have been 62 or older now, mom may be due an increase in her SSD. It would not hurt to check it out. Not saying she is due but does not hurt to ask.

If Mom is better healthwise, she may be able to hold down a job and keep her SSD. There is a cap on how much she can make a yr.

To suggest Mom sleep in the garage you must live in a warm climate. Maybe a loan can be taken out to make it liveable. I have seen garages become nice living spaces. A small bath with a shower. Maybe a kitchenette, an area with a small stove, sink, fridge and microwave. Sleeping area and sitting area. Mom could pay on the loan.

Having some serious doubts here that the father left the daughter the house with the intent for her to live in it. The OP had her own home.

Maybe he left the daughter the house so she would take care of Mom and Mom was unable to manage the finances herself?

Keeping an open mind. The OP only posted 20 hours ago.

Point of Law:
If a husband and wife are living in their home, and the husband dies...
Wouldn't the wife still be entitled to 1/2 no matter who's name was on the deed? Maybe Mom needs an attorney.

So, technically, Mom owns 1/2 of the house? But could not manage the mortgage by herself. Or, some documents and a will are missing and Mom owns the house and the OP was meant to manage Dad's estate on behalf of Mom? Maybe possession was not meant to occur until Mom's death?

Sjay88 could sell the house, giving Mom her half.
Or, could refinance the house giving Mom her half and Mom could relocate in an independent apartment.

All I have are questions.

What is this?
Shanna never returned here either:
ShannaJay
Asked July 2017
Working for a family that is abusing self direct pay caring for two patient and only getting paid for one. How can I fix this?

I work for an autistic adult and I get paid through a financial fiscal service because the family receives self direct pay through medicade. However, another adult happens to have a disability as well. The family wants you to take care of her as well (assistance with showers- hoyer lift, picking up meds and errands-food runs or for the doctor) . The mom needs to be dropped to and from work and goes grocery shopping) but only when us caregivers are on the clock. To deal with the original patient is tough enough but this family is robbing me of my money that i deserve. I am currently enrolling back into classes so I can find another stable job and do what i love but with a peace of mind. I need asstiance in putting a stop to this family and their abuse of self direct pay and get the money I earned working with the other paraplegic patient? Please help.
Working Caregiver

Sjay,

Please clarify your situation for us.

Several of us are wondering why your dad left the house to you instead of your mom.

The only thing you have said is that your dad died. Were your parents divorced before he died? I’m guessing that you don’t live in a community property state.

Also, when you told your mother that she could live in your garage, were you planning on converting it into an apartment for her?

Or, did you feel that just because it is air conditioned that it is suitable as is?

What is your primary reason for homeschooling? You don’t have an ideal setting for your children at home.

Your home is a stressful environment. You’re stressed out, your mom is stressed out. Your kids are definitely going to feed off of your anxiety.

Have you considered sending your children to school where they would have access to a special ed teacher and a para?

I am sorry that you have a chronic illness. If your children were in school you could focus on your health.

You might even be able to return to work if you are able to get your health in check.

Would love to have an update from you.

Whether or not Mom and Dad were divorced, Mom could increase her disability income by having it calculated on her spouse's SS income.
She might qualify now because OP has said she is on disability.

Talk to Social Security.

I have been told that OP may have left the group. Profile is closed down.