Hi all - My 86yo mother is rapidly declining physically and cognitively (vitals still good). She was moved to the rehab side from her AL facility about 10 days ago. They're not quite sure yet what's going on - she's completely lost use of her legs in and has trouble swallowing - but I trust her CNP, and we are working together to determine the prognosis and ultimate decisions for her treatment and care. In the meantime I DREAD calling her - she's very difficult to understand now, but is obviously very angry and depressed. She's blaming me for 'putting her there' and it's all for money, which I know isn't rational but still is difficult to hear. Add on to that we may need to move her to nursing care during a pandemic, and trying to structure her finances in case Medicaid is down the road too. Any advice and/or words of support are appreciated! :-)
While covid is a real issue, not getting necessary medical care is a much BIGGER issue right now. My husband had to get open heart surgery on Oct 30th in the middle of this pandemic mess, and I visited him daily, and both of us came out virus free. He's back in the hospital again now for lung issues..........but what's the alternative? Get your mother the medical care she needs so a proper diagnosis can be made. THEN the CNP can devise a treatment and care plan based on the findings.
My mother is almost 94 and lives in a Memory Care ALF which she had to be moved into after a stint in rehab and a stroke. She blames me for 'putting her there' too, because her brain isn't working right anymore. I find it very difficult to talk to my mother on the phone lots of times, so I keep the conversations light and BRIEF. As soon as she goes off on a rant, it's time for me to hang up. I set down boundaries with her in spite of her dementia...........because it's necessary for MY well being. Remember: there isn't only ONE person involved here. YOU are equally involved and equally important as your mother. Decide when you will call and how much time you will spend on the phone with her before the conversation gets too toxic. Then it's time to say goodbye.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything you're facing; it's not easy, I know. Sending you a hug and a prayer, too
This might help you with perspective.
I think we are not very well prepared for how people behave in old age - at least here in the west. Most of the films we see portray old people and dying in quite a santised way. The upshot is that it is a shock to find that in the place of a reasonable human being you have a petulant and indignant relative who turns on you.
Needless to say, not everyone is the same but this was my experience. Although, to be fair mine we not always reasonable to start off with! 😉
Mind you, she's in rehab temporarily and NOT in a concentration camp, for heaven's sake.
As with you neither of my parents were the most rational people to begin with, so this is her longtime behavior on steroids.
Talk to staff to check on her progress,
You say you trust her medical care. Has a UTI been ruled out.
You are doing the best you can in these trying times, and I think that is all that you can make clear to your mother. She is alone, afraid, and seeing changes she doesn't understand as well, so there is hardly a reason for her to be happy on the phone.
Try to reassure her that all are doing the best they can for her. So sorry you are going through all this, and Mom as well.
Rehab is exhausting since the patient/client is expected to work hard to regain mastery of whatever function is "impaired". Does your mother resent that she is expected to do a lot of hard work? Does she expect to just have her needs met -regardless of her sudden inabilities?
If she does not really participate in rehab, then using the money for this type of care is a waste. She may do better moving into either a long-term facility which can meet her needs or in having paid help in the home to meet her increased needs.
Good luck.
Where they feel loved, happier, not depressed and not scared and lonely.
Bring loved one home to live her last days in peace and comfort and hire Care for help
Just keep repeating that to yourself. And limit the calls if they are upsetting you. I don't think it helped our parent in care feel any better to rant to us about "dumping him" and trying to steal his money. I think it just got him more upset. So we stopped calling as often. We call maybe once a week, depending on how the last call went.
We call the caregivers to get reports on him. This is so hard. I'm sorry it's happening to you.
So for the family members it has made it even more difficult with hearing their loved ones anger, loneliness, diminished health, etc. over what they go through prior to the virus. My heart goes out to each of you. You just need to know you are doing the best through this very difficult time. Checking with the doctor to make sure medically and care the best is being done.
It is easy for others to tell you not to get upset by any of this, however that will not happen. It hurts you deeply. Being a caregiver for a loved one is like being a parent to a child. But they aren’t. We want to fix everything. We can’t. But we can make sure they are safe and taken care of the best way possible. We can not fix everything. We can try to calm them, but if that is not working, change subject and let it go. If that means less phone calls, visits, etc. You need to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself first. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up by any of this. You are doing the best you can in this very difficult time in the world.
I always felt a bit strange as my Mom’s caregiver being her mother, but yet she was still my mother. As she demanded things, as she was angry with me, when she refused to do what was necessary, etc. Hard to explain until one is going through it. Now my husbands caregiver. But being a mother to my mother was different. Just know you are doing your very best for her and continue showing her your love in what ever way is possible. Sending you big hugs.❤️
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