My 84 yo mother has signed up to do a car boot sale at church. She has asked family and friends to donate items which she is going to pack into her car (around 15-20 boxes), then set up a stall and stand for a few hours in the cold, wind and rain. She has had several tantrums about this and insists that I help her. She lambasts me if I criticise anything about it. I know she can't cope, but she is so difficult to work with. My blood pressure is sky high and this is making it even worse. What can I do in this situation?
Remember Bear Gryl's counsel that there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing: wear a warm coat and good boots and a hat; take hand warmers and a flask of coffee and some sandwiches and some folding chairs, and throw yourself into the spirit of the occasion.
You never know. You might accidentally have some fun.
But don't take the option of feeling dragged into it and moaning about it and still having to stand there in the cold, wind and rain from seven o'clock in the morning. Either do it properly and do your best to make it go well for your mother, or don't do it at all.
Mother decided to sign up for 3 separate lamington orders (for charity cake stalls), but had lost the skills to shop, remember the steps or read the recipe & actually bake them.
The live-in son was in just this pickle: Help with happiness in his heart or say no & stick to it.
Saying no but resentfully helping is the dud choice.
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That would be a win-win. And YOU would be mother-free for the entire day!
Hateful. You wouldn't catch me there for all the tea in China.
But having said that I have done my share in the past and the "right good will" approach has come from hard experience.
What can you do? Well, you have a few of options.
1. You do it. (my least favorite option.) If you do this- every single time she does something like this going forward she is going to expect you do make a repeat performance. Whether she is trying to do something out of the goodness of her heart, or whether she is doing it for accolades at church, I have no idea. But its funny that you say she is hard to work with, your blood pressure is already sky high and she is making it worse. And I don't mean funny "ha-ha". You clearly don't need to add this to your plate. If you do this - prepare yourself for a laundry list of things SHE commits herself to that require YOU to participate.
2. Tell her it's not happening - you helping that is - and then tell her she can do it herself, or if that isn't feasible she can call the church and tell them that someone will drop off DONATIONS but that she won't be able to work the sales stall (or if she refuses to do it by X date, that you will be happy to do it - and that you will apologize profusely and tell them that you thought she had already done it)
3. You can just ignore her. She will either work it out, or she won't. But YOU didn't sign up to do a church sale. She did. You didn't ask family and friends to donate items. She did. She didn't ask you for help organizing this BEFORE she did it. She didn't even ask you in a nice way for help. She demanded and has thrown TANTRUMS to try to force your hand. I have heard my entire life "You catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar."
You don't owe her help. The definition of "HELP" is to "make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources." The key word there is OFFERING. Your own words - she INSISTS you help. That is a "DEMAND" - "an insistent and peremptory request, made as if by right." Read that again - "as if by right". As if she is entitled to prescribe your time, your resources, and your choices to do her bidding. Now...if you WANT to help her, that is different. But she can't just decide she is going to do something, and then tell you that you are going to do it because she doesn't want to back out of it. She committed to it, so she either has to do it or take responsibility for the fact that she can't.
I mean honestly - what church is going to give an 84 year old woman a hard time when they says that they just aren't able to follow through on this kind of commitment? Just be careful - LOL. She may tell them that YOU refused to help her after YOU agreed to before she signed up - so if you go to church there too - you may want to monitor that call ;-)
You do realize your constant high blood pressure is setting you uo for a stroke, heart attack and even vascular dementia. All to appease your elderly mother.
Enough already with what she wants. Time to focus on your health and well being.
If I were you, I'd contact the volunteers, who might help her get the boxes out and set up. Be very vocal with them that she isn't capable, you are too sick to help her, and you're washing your hands of her mess.
You don't have to cater to her every ridiculous whim. This is outrageous, and if you have a stroke, who will look after mom? You need to make clear to her your own medical situation and then walk away. This isn't worth dying over. If she's mad, she's mad. Sometimes mad is good if they refuse to talk to you!
Make an important appointment for yourself for that day, then go. Maybe have a nice lunch out alone where you can enjoy Freedom For A Day (which should be an international caregiver's going-out day observed in all countries).
Bascially if your mom is strong enough to do this, more power to her. But why would you spend your day doing it? Would you do this for any friend? I doubt it.
Simply tell her that your idea of loading up a car, going out to stand for a day in the rain and cold, doesn't constitute a fun time, and that you only DO fun times (unless you're scheduled for retina surgery of something, you know?)
I could be missing something. Is it always difficult for you to tell mom "no". Because goodness knows it can be done easily and gently enough. Whether she is upset by the word or not is really her own problem.
Yes, tell the Dr about her coping skills. That was one of the first signs my Mom had Dementia. She would get everything in order for a meeting and when she got there, she couldn't find anything and got overwhelmed. Another sign I missed was the ability to reason with them and their ability to reason period. Your Mom is not seeing where this is not even feasible. She is an 84 yr old and thinks that she can fill her car with stuff and stand out in bad weather and sell it? Are you sure the church will even do this if the weather is bad?
When I started working and got a car, I was glad to do for Mom. But then I got married, bought a house and still working. She would volunteer me and I had to tell her to stop. I now had more responsibilities. She needed to ask first.
Maybe ask the organizers at Church to turn Mom down nicely when she volunteers. Tell, her "thank you, seems like we have enough people" Tell them her volunteering means her expecting family members to do it and they just can't or want to.
So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell her no? What will happen if you don't participate? Will one of the "family and friends" step in?