Dad tries to care for her, she doesn't treat the rest of us this way, Dad is worn out, she falls all the time and tells the rest of us she is ok, both are 84 dad is in pretty good health but am afraid he is really not able to meet her needs because she is so defiant towards him, what can we do? She doesn't take care of herself, and doesn't want home health care, ( we tried that and she fired them) we are considering talking to her doctor about nursing home, please advise, we would appreciate any suggestions
Sounds like your Mom doesn't want to relinquish her role as the household leader, she wants to hang onto it for as long as she can. And she probably is angry at her self, now living with all those aches and pain of age related decline. And upset because it should be the other way around, where she is caring for her husband.
Between you and your Dad, find out what are the main buttons that are being pushed that causes your Mom to be angry. Then work on it from there.
Dad tries to take care of her. Exactly what kind of care does she need? Your profile says general age-related decline. Your post says she falls a lot. Are her problems basically around mobility? Has she been told to use a walker? Any other assistive devices? Is she hard of hearing? Is Dad? Any incontinence? Does she have memory issues? Confusion? Does she have any chronic conditions such as chf or copd? Does she take medicines? (If so, can she manage them herself?) I'm just trying to get a picture of what "taking care of her" involves.
I do think you should take her to a doctor, for a thorough evaluation. Maybe a doctor would advise a nursing home, depending on the level of care she needs. Or maybe hearing from the doctor that she should have in-home help would be more convincing than hearing it from family. If an evaluation reveals she has the beginnings of dementia, that would be useful information for planning purposes.
I wish you all the best in this challenging situation.
btw -- What does Dad want to have happen?
I don't want to be melodramatic, but I agree with Pam - this will kill him. I've seen it happen.
I will remember your family in my thoughts. Sending healing hugs your way.....
If the way mom is acting is not in accordance with her usual personality, I would have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. There may be some dementia going on.