Mom speaking about "when I die..." Any insight?

When I get asked this question I answer it with honesty "I am going to miss you, I will miss your smile, your generosity, your humor, etc." I also thank them for teaching me so much as I have grown into a strong woman, raising kind and caring kids, doing the things I love and financially independent.

I think my mother asks these questions because she wants to feel validated and that she was able to make a difference in life. I want her to know that the value of her life should not be based on what it is now, but the contribution she has made over her lifetime. I think we all can get stuck in the moment and feel overwhelmed, under valued and stressed, I imagine this is exacerbated greatly for the elderly.

What I never say is, "You won't die" or "Your aren't dying yet" because I think it minimizes her feelings. I also think that talking about all the wonderful things she did throughout her life helps her realize that she is appreciated.

Ask your therapist about F.O.G - fear, obligation and guilt.... I have a feeling your mother is a master at eliciting those feelings.

They feel like a burden. They fear you may be waiting for them to die. They want to tell you that the time will come you will realize they were "right", they "knew more than you knew they did" and blah blah. It is just parent-child stuff. It isn't to be taken all that seriously. When she does the "when I die thing" just come up with a simple, sweet, pat response such as "Well I hope that is a long time off, but you may be right. Where will I contact to let you know I learned my lesson?". Try to lighten it all up.
The truth is that there is no "right way" and no "wrong way". There is her way and your way and they are different. You are her daughter, not her clone.
Bless her heart, ANYWAY!
I sure wish you and Mom the best. Try not to read too much into every little utterance.
Do know that both you and she know that death is more near. It is something we think about more at a certain time. I am a nurse, so the subject was always a favorite of mine, and my daughter and I talk of aging, of loss, of death and etc. very often. Americans in general, imho , have a heart time talking about, as the Podcast says "Death, Sex and Money".

She’s just relying to guilt you into thinking that if she dies, your life will have no purpose. That’s also how she’s gotten you to pay for her financially.

Oh, what a drama queen she is. Just ignore this manipulation.

You mention your mom has anxiety.
This might be part of her anxiety.
We all know we are going to die.
As you get older the fact becomes more "real" as we see our friends die and every morning we wake up with a new ache or pain.
She sees you getting older and that also reinforces that she is getting older.
When she says it again try replying with one of these.
You have taught me what you know and I have been able to expand on that.
You have given me strength (if she has)
You have given me stability (if she has)
You have helped shape me to be an independent person.
I am who I am because of you. (this is true in all cases good or bad influences make us who we are)

Things are always different when someone we are close to dies.
Even when your mom dies she will still be with you.
I am sure that there are times when you look in the mirror and catch a glimpse of her looking back at you.
I am sure that there are times when you hear her voice in your head when you have a question. That voice telling you what to do.
My mom has been gone over 55 years and I still hear her voice in my head.

Next time mom goes to the doctor you might want to bring this up, or send a not to the doctor if you do not go in with her. It is possible that with her anxiety she might do well with medication, if she is on medication checking doses might help.
And a side note testing for cognitive decline might be in order.


way off topic...why do you support your mom financially? if she is living with you she should be paying some of the bills. This might be important later if she has to apply for Medicaid and has a "nest egg" that might have to be spent down rapidly. paying you now for her care is one way to spend down over a longer time.

Why are you supporting but financially? What will you do for money later on in your old age?

From your profile:

I’m a 35 year old single woman who takes care of her 73 year old mother. I am also a school teacher which is what brings me joy. My mother has exhibited some behavior changes that I’m concerned about. She seems more irritated and irrational as the years go on. I hope to find some resources to better support her and me.

First off, has mom been tested for cognitive impairment, since you say you are concerned about her being more irritated and 'irrational' as the years go on? I'd look into getting her a SLUMS or MoCA test asap; speak to her PCP about it, to see what she scores now, on a scale of 1-30, to get a baseline.

Speaking to you about 'when she dies' and how sorry you'll be is not rational behavior, no. I have 2 children and I NEVER speak to them about how sorry they'll be when I die and how I'll bet they can't wait for me TO die. That's passive/aggressive FOG type behavior (Fear/Obligation/Guilt=FOG) and comes from a negative space in your mother where she's trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Here is a Google link to FOG:

https://www.google.com/search?q=fear+obligation+guilt+mother&sxsrf=ALiCzsbJNVGPgWk05yfKQGr4n15GzyuH6w%3A1654382424044&ei=WN-bYoqqAvGekPIP1ts6&oq=fear+obli&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYATIFCAAQkQIyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCGAzIFCAAQhgM6BAgjECc6BAgAEEM6EQguEIAEELEDEIMBEMcBENEDOgsILhCABBDHARCjAjoICAAQgAQQsQM6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBEKMCOgsILhCABBDHARCvAToNCC4QsQMQgwEQ1AIQQzoHCC4Q1AIQQzoHCC4QsQMQQzoLCAAQgAQQsQMQgwE6BAguEEM6DgguEIAEELEDEIMBENQCOggILhCABBCxAzoHCAAQsQMQQ0oECEEYAEoECEYYAFAAWL0NYN8daABwAXgAgAGNAYgB8AeSAQMzLjaYAQCgAQHAAQE&sclient=gws-wiz

Then read this excellent article about passive/aggressive behavior & what it looks like:

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm

You are 35 and your mother is 73. You have a whole life in front of you and mother can easily live another 2 DECADES, with her anxiety and bad behavior worsening the entire time! You say you are financing her life b/c you are an only child. I was an only child, too, and never financed my parents' lives b/c it's not a child's job to do that. It's my job to worry about MY retirement and how I'm not going to burden my children with it, so I have to save for it myself. What about you? If you spend your money on HER life, what happens to YOUR senior years and retirement?

It sounds like you've been emotionally blackmailed into caring for your mother, sacrificing your life in the process, and spending your retirement $$$ to do so. Now is the time to wake up and recognize what may be happening, why, how to recognize the signs and how to get out of the situation you find yourself in. You may want to get some counseling to figure out how to best get support YOURSELF in this situation; then mom secondly. Get her to the doctor for a full medical workup about possible dementia/cognitive impairment, why she's so anxiety ridden and depressed (which in my experience often leads to dementia) and medicated appropriately. If she can then go into a senior living residence, you can move on with YOUR life and she can have some autonomy herself and her own life as well. And if not, at least maybe the two of you can live together with firmer boundaries set down and less accusations about "You'll be sorry when I die" interfering with your life! I lived with that dramatic nonsense my whole life from my mother & it drove me bonkers! She was always threatening to jump out of the window or kill herself too, all in an effort to elicit a REACTION from me. It just drove the wedge between us deeper.

That's my suggestion to you. And to pick up a copy of the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend to help you figure out how to set down some boundaries with mom and stick TO them like glue.

It's a lot to sort through, but you owe it to yourself to do so. Things aren't likely to get better as mom ages, only worse. NOW is the time to sort thru these issues, before they get worse.

Best of luck.

You seemed to have gotten stuck in your childhood. Do you want to stay there? or want to act like a grown up. It's entirely up to you. If you're a school teacher, that proves that you have normal intelligence. So, you will understand what I mean. It's a simple situation, there isn't any need to complicate it with too much unnecessary psychological theories. It's a matter of common sense and simple logic.

I think anyone wants the reassurance that they'll be missed when they're gone. No one wants to feel like their life experience is of no value, so maybe that's what caused your mom to get bent. She's spent her whole life learning how "best" to do a task, and there you just went off doing it your own way!

Your tale reminds me of a fight my parents had when they were first married. My mother told me that she insisted they fold their bath towels in thirds lengthwise to hang on the towel bar, because that's how her mother always did it. My dad folded them in half lengthwise to hang them, and it absolutely gave my mother fits. She finally complained to her mother that my dad was raised terribly and didn't even know to fold the towels in thirds, to which my grandmother replied, "I only folded them in thirds because the towel bar was too short to fold them in half."

My mom was stunned that there was no one right way to hang towels!

Share that with your mom, have a good laugh about how there are lots of different ways to do the same task, and tell her you treasure this time with her. Be sure not to diminish the value of her experiences, because they are a result of a long life, and ask her about how she learned to do various things.

Your mother is manipulating you to get her way. She’s putting you on a “ guilt trip” for her own gain. Basically, she’s being a SPOILED BRAT!!! I’m 73 and I would NEVER do that to my child. I have 2 daughters and I try hard to shield them from anxiety and worry. It’s not fair to do that to your children, especially when they have a life of their own or they should have a life of their own. You need to let her know right now firmly but without arguing that you know what she’s up to and you don’t appreciate that kind of talk. It’s time to take charge because actually she’s acting like the child so now you need to act like the parent and set her straight. She has forgotten how nice she has it with you caring for the way you are.Not everyone has what she has. You are a wonderful daughter and honestly you deserve a nice life and you should take one. Good luck and stop letting her manipulate you for her own gain. If she acts like a child you have to treat her like one💜

She is 73 years old. She could live for 10-20 years.
Are you willing to listen to that for another decade at least?
She is physically able, what is keeping her from having her own life and what can you do to reclaim your own life?
I think at this point she needs therapy more than you.