Mom does not want to move, she's lived in her home for almost 60 years and we completely understand. We've tried different options to keep her there but I think we're into the next stage where there is now a different issue/crisis almost every day. Eating, drinking and taking her meds top the list but many other things also crop up.
Mom lives in the country so the only neighbor is my brother. He has a business and he's not home a lot of the time. We have someone come in twice a week (about 50% of the time she doesn't want them to come) and other family visit periodically. But she's quite secluded when no one is there. She doesn't need help 24/7 but when she needs it, she shouldn't be alone.
My brothers and I have talked numerous times and finally decided that assisted living is the best option. Mom would have her own apartment so she can be alone if she wants but also will have others around if she needs them. Her meals will be cooked and her meds given to her at the appropriate times. We've tried to talk with Mom and have her be a part of the process but she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it. I've recognized that she is beyond making a rational choice for herself and what we're seeing is an emotional response.
When her doctors said recently it really wasn't safe for her to be on her own anymore, we decided to look at AL communities in the area. I found a beautiful one that has an opening for a 1 BR apartment. She had to be assessed by their nursing staff so we finally had to tell her that we were going to take a tour and meet with the staff. She was so angry (mostly at me) but did go through the tour and meeting. After that, she completely shut down and wouldn't talk about it or even look at me. My brother was here from Georgia so at least she wasn't alone. She was convinced it was a "done deal" and we "pulled the wool over her eyes". It really wasn't a done deal but I'm wondering if I should continue to let her think that so she can begin to wrap her head around the idea that she will be moving. But after a day of being angry, she seemed to forget what happened and was back to her normal self - at least I think so anyway.
We have a tentative move in date in about 3 weeks. During that time I have to get her apartment ready, if she's accepted. The guilt of "going behind her back" is killing me but is it kinder to just do it on my own and let her have the next 3 weeks living like she always has or should I try to include her in the process? After seeing how she seems to forget even these big things after a while, I am leaning toward just doing it and having her only go through the awful feeling once more when she moves. Maybe it will take a few days to forget it again or maybe not since she will be in a completely different setting. I just don't know what to expect.
If anyone has had a similar experience and can share what worked for them, I would really appreciate the input. This is about the hardest thing I've ever done.
Sit in front of Mom, look her in the eye and tell her the Doctor says its no longer safe for her to stay in her home. Explain that forgetting to take her meds and not eating or drinking is serious. She could fall and no one is there to help. She needs to be in a safe place. She will have a nice apartment and make new friends. Have activities she can participate in. Someone will do the cooking, cleanup and cleaning. She can just enjoy being waited on. Tell her if she doesn't like it, then she can go back home. Make her think its her choice. Once she is there, just keep saying she hasn't given it enough time.
but then she fell and broke her hip. so while she was recovering and going to PT, me and sister started planning the move to AL. We didn't tell either. My dad wouldn't remember anyway. My mom was too weak and a little disoriented to tell her. They had to go...I knew it would be too hard for my mom to caregive to my dad anymore(plus going forward to the future) (they lived in their house too LONG TIME)
so we made lists and packed things (while my dad was at home and mom SNF) moved furniture. Then told my dad we were taking him to see mom in hospital. Then mom was released from SNF and we took both to AL at same time. It was VERY hard for quite some time. they wanted to go back home. I would just change the subject and tell them "mom was sick, disabled etc. and they couldn't go home yet"
You might try telling mom that her dr. "ordered" and feels mom should not be home alone any more, for her own safety. The dr is very worried about her due to her age (not sure of your moms age?) Tell her there are many people her age who have to make the move to AL and they are not like the old nursing homes you used to know about. Tell her its more a senior village.
sometimes when I would tell my mom she wasn't able to go home with dad since she was not able. she would temporary understand. my dad never got it but his dementia was advanced. I would have to change subject constantly. There were lots of uncomfortable times going forward.