I must have read hundreds of posts these last 10 months, many of which helped me through the most difficult time of my life. This forum gave me the space to share, to vent and to anticipate the grief I would feel at Mom’s passing. Your wisdom and support made my journey easier.
Never in a million years did I anticipate a grief so profound and painful. How will I survive the loss of a relationship— often trying and frustrating— of an unconditional love that was the bedrock of my childhood and adulthood? How will I survive the loss of a person who shared each and every joy and hardship with happiness, advice and comfort? How will I survive the loss of the last person who held memories of my growing up and into the person I became?
Today is the first day I am alone in my house. Mom isn’t here to give me a smile upon entering her room to say good morning. Why didn’t I maximize every moment she was here? I did the best I could and I take some comfort in knowing how utterly happy she was to see me everyday.
This hole is so huge and I don’t know how to move forward. I am numb.
If mom was on hospice, often hospice will provide for bereavement counseling for the caregiver. If so, it might be a good thing for you to do.
I think in your last posts to us I saw a peace and an understanding in you about your Mom, about your relationship. I saw you begin to worry about HER more than about what you felt. I think you have, from what you just posted here a good understanding, which will only become more deep. I think the caregiving you did was a gift to you in knowing human love and its depth as well as how rough the waters can be.
I am thankful you had that time. I am so very sorry for your loss. I believe you should WRITE, whether for yourself or for others as well. I hope Mom's passing was peaceful and pain-free. My heart goes out to you.
I understand your grief and sense of being un-moored. My 91 year old husband died in Sept. 2021 after over 5 years of ill health and Alzheimer's. I am 90 and was his 24/7 caretaker with some help from our son. Even tho' I knew he was deteriorating and that I would eventually lose him, the end was sort of sudden, and I was not prepared for the enormous wave of grief I felt. I was grateful that I managed to care for him at home until just 4 days before he died in a wonderful hospice facility. Then, just two weeks later, our son, who had been my constant companion, helper and security blanket died suddenly in his sleep.
I was flattened with grief, and nine months later, I am still struggling while on two parallel but additive grief paths. Relief doesn't come quickly.
Those of us who have been consumed with care-giving for years, suddenly find our reason for being is yanked away. Your daily routines, so carefully built over the years based on the needs of our loved ones, are suddenly not needed.
Friends and relatives all want to help and will say unbelievable things to you, some of which are helpful and many which are actually pain-inducing. Just try to remember the spirit of love in which their comments are offered, and accept them as such.
I found it helpful to just let my grief out when needed, and the slightest thing will trigger it. Don't suppress it, and try to outrun it. We just have to go through it.
I prayed when I had to go out that I would not see someone I knew who would seek to comfort me, because my control was so fragile at first. The awful pain does subside into a sort of chronic ache in your heart, and you will eventually be able to remember you mom with love, and not so much pain.
I found it helpful to force myself out of bed, to get dressed, comb my hair, and go about some sort of daily routine even tho' it was mostly rote. The first few days after a death you are drug along with funeral preparations, etc., and tending to all the details involved. Then comes the task of settling the LO estate etc. Actually, this is sort of a blessing because it demands that you have something to focus on and to get you out of bed.
The intense grief and pain you are experiencing now will abate a little in time (not quickly) and hopefully you can move on to more acceptance. Be comforted that you had such a wonderful relationship with you mom, and that you were able to provide her such good care in her journey. Let your faith whatever it is, comfort you.
Finally, I hope you will eventually find a new focus for your life to honor our mom.
You are not alone
Blessings
Please know that the pain will heal, you have a new season in life to walk through but, your mom will be in your heart to help you.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, comfort and peace.
I too miss my husbands smile when I would return from being out and about, but you will discover in time that yes, life does go on. So please give yourself permission to grieve the mom you loved and that loved you, and make sure that you now are taking care of yourself.
You have gotten off the roller-coaster of caregiving and have now gotten on the roller-coaster of grieving.
May God bless you and keep you.
You will always look back and say "I could have done more" but at that time you were doing all that you could and you can not ask more of yourself than that.
Your mom will always be with you. When you are going to buy that dress you want for a party and you wonder if you should, your mom's voice will be in the back of your head giving you her opinion.
When you walk down the street and out of the corner of your eye catch a glimpse of yourself you will, just for a moment see her.
Talk about her, share stories with friends and family. Keep her a live in your heart and mind. I Volunteer with Veterans organizations and one of the sayings I have heard over the years is .."A soldier dies twice, once on the battle field and again when their name is spoken for the last time" There are lots of quotes like this. The important thing is to keep her in your heart and mind.
One last quote, I have this by my computer, it was given to me by the facilitator of my Support Group:
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of Love.
A caretaker feels the loss most profoundly over the days, weeks, months and years your pain will numb and you will be able to enjoy life more again.
Don’t pressure yourself to mourn according to anyone else’s schedule or recommendations. Give yourself the grace to mourn according to your own needs. Know that sometimes you may feel like breaking down in public and even a “how are you” from a courteous cashier can be a trigger. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you need to be medicated. You are healing. They call family members “survivors” because that is what you are doing for a now.
Be gentle on yourself. Spend time alone when your pain is the most grievous, but emerge into the world when you can.
Do something nice for yourself every day, but sure whatever nice things you do aren’t self-destructive. (Don’t overeat or overspend because this will compound your sadness).
I have found great comfort in volunteering for a charity that furthered my mother’s work and interests. (I look at this as a win-win-win, it helps me honor my loved one, helps me work through my grief and helps someone else at the same time.)
Please don't accept false guilt about anything that you may not have done perfectly. Doing so will only ruin your present and future.
None of us maximize every moment of being with a loved one. We are all frail human beings.
However, you've done what most people cannot or will not do - you gave your mother loving care all the way until the end. For that, she was blessed and you will be blessed.
Sending heartfelt sympathies in the loss of your mother.
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