1st time posting I'm 25 she's 60 she didn't take too good care of herself never really managed her diabetes good and now it's really biting her in the ass. She had a stroke when I was like 8/9 or something but she came back from that. I don't know what to do with my mom anymore, I use to live with her in a 2 bedroom apt but that had stairs and her constantly going up stairs wasn't good.Opportunity came to move to singles in the apt complex high rise so we did it about 3 months ago. Not gonna lie I was a little happy over it too, I dint want to be one of those kids who lives with there parents for ever, but it's also level ground for her.
I know her health is declining eventually her kidneys are going to go, but she not at the point where she need dialysis yet, i know the diabetes is getting her eyes too. Recently I had to go the emergency with her b/c she was hurting find out that she's has urinary tract infection again. I know for the past few days she's hasn't been eating much she'll eat half her food and is constantly taking little naps in the day. The other thing is she's got IBS and whole bunch of food sets it's off so what her gastro doc said after she went to get an colonscopy was to avoid raw fruit/veggies (healthy food) and eat more pasta/white bread which is bad for her diabetes. I was with her most of the afternoon today and was trying to get her to eat/drink but she kept snapping at me when ever i suggested she eat just another bite or take another sip,I get it was kinda treating her like a kid, but I'm under the assumption she needs to eat more. Since that same gastor doc said she lost weight recently. I'm trying to get her to drink gatorade/powerade.
Sry if I seem all over the place i'm just frustrated and feeling somewhat guilty too. The other thing is we she says she doesn't want me to get a key to her apt. We have to go to the bank and get a letter notarized saying yes she gives me permission before the apt complex will give me a key. The things she has balance issues I recently bought her a new walker which is an improvement over the dinosaur she was gives. I've though of just taking it to walmart and seeing if they would do it but it's one of those do no duplicate. engraved.
I feel like i've got to constantly check up on her like everyday after work I spend about an hr with her. Doing her laundry, taking out her trash and helping her with her rent/bills. I know she did a lot for me growing up and what not, but i'm felling worried/upset at the same time. I don't mind doing it. But it's just that she keeps trying do stuff like she use to like cook full meals for me. It's nice but she doesn't need too, I constantly tell her that. Her other sisters are generally healthy, but i don't want to ask them to help more since I know she would hate that and they would probably say I shouldn't have moved out that I should have stayed.
Should I look into assisted living//nursing home or home aides should i call her primary doc and get her opinion?
Your mother probably does need to cook, because vegetables are an important part of the diabetic diet. Many vegetables aren't very good raw. I use the quarter-plate plan for my mother -- two quarters filled with low-carb vegetables, one filled with meat, and one with a starchy vegetable or bread -- she doesn't care much for fruit. This keeps her sugar pretty within good bounds for her age. I was thinking that if you were available you could have dinner with her to make sure she was getting that one good meal a day. Maybe you could encourage her to see a new endocrinologist who would work with her to track her sugar. Paying attention to the numbers can make people change their habits, even if it is only to impress the doctor with their numbers.
There has probably been a good bit of damage done already, but getting the sugar under control can slow down future damage. I hope that you are able to build your own life now. You are young and need to do the things people do at your age. It is hard to do if you are totally responsible for your mother. If you can just get her to work on that glucose, you could do the things you need to.
1. Let her do what she is able to do, for herself or for others, ESPECIALLY for you. Stop discouraging her and giving her the message that she is helpless and her useful life is over. You don't mention dementia; though badly controlled diabetes can cause brain problems, if she is not incompetent or not incompetent yet, don't try to take over as much as if she were. At some point you may have to even if she hates it, but from what you are saying, that point is not yet.
2. Maybe then she will be more receptive to suggestions on how to improve her health, her diet, and her medical care...and will let you in on enough of her care to
make sure her doctors are looking at the big picture and one is not telling her to do something that undermines the other one's goals. Once you know what the diagnoses and diet limitations really are, you could ask for a nutritionist to get involved. Then it would not be as much you telling her what to do, or being just one more conflicting advice-giver in her life. She probably needs supplements, like Joven or something she can tolerate to avoid losing weight, presuming that losing more weight is undesirable.
3. Once she knows she has your respect as well as your help, and will not unnecessarily lose control over every aspect of her life, maybe she would feel better about giving you a spare key, "for emergencies." Or maybe a Lifeline or other device in case of falls would be comforting for both of you. And maybe she'd take up Tai Chi or some other mild adaptive excercise program to try to improve her balance and strength, versus hone health OT and/or PT - you could look into what's available and ask about it.
Your worries are realistic but I think you hit it on the head, she feels she is being treated like a kid. It is hard enough to be losing your health, and coping with that, and even harder to have people reinforce that you are going downhill and can't make choices for yourself or be of as much value to others anymore.
The only thing that remains is emergency access to your Mom's apartment.
If she fails to answer the door or phone and you feel you need to get in does the apartment manager have a master key?
She is only 61 is she on disability? or can she still work?
You are actually very young to be taking on the role of caregiver which could last for most of your working life. Allow your Mom her independence and let her come to the conclusion herself that she needs more help If you have to call in reinforcements do it if you see Mom is really in a mess. You are not actually helping by doing tasks that she is capable of doing. The more she does the better she will function