Mom may have dementia, and I don't want to live with her.
Hi,
My Mom hasn't been diagnosed that I know of, and possibly had a ct scan, but told me everything was okay but I don't know. One of her sisters thinks she has dementia or alzheimers. She has worked with alzheimers patients, too, and my grandmother, her Mom, had alzheimers. I wondered myself in early 2021 if my Mom had dementia. I had a weird incident with her, and she left me a voicemail saying I did something I didn't do. She calls people too much, too, and repeats herself. She has kept bringing up her mortgage for over a year. She also called one of my nephews at maybe 1:30 in the morning, and had no recollection of it. My aunt tells me things, and some of the things she has said about my Mom have been that she didn't know which lane to get into when driving. And that she only drives to her place. My aunt takes her shopping, but my aunt has a heart problem, and my Mom said she got shaky, so they apparently had to cut a shopping trip short, and my Mom didn't get everything she wanted or needed. My aunt said that my Mom doesn't have caller id, but talks about numbers she sees as if she still has caller id. She's talked about her weight; like as in her not weighing enough, and not gaining weight. She said though that she gets things that don't require cooking so hopefully she won't cook. According to my aunt, she called her once and maybe didn't know what was going on at her house-as in my Mom's house. She also told my aunt that she went to some place she told her to go to, but my aunt hadn't told her to go there. And she said she banged on the door. My aunt said it was some place they went to or something when they were kids. My aunt gets stressed, and again, she has a heart issue. I live over 2,000 miles away, and I have two sisters in the state my Mom lives in. But it doesn't sound like they're much help. And they aren't easy to talk to, and I don't want to talk to them-I don't like them, especially one of them, but I'll somewhat talk to them for now at least for my Mom. My aunt has talked about how alone my Mom is basically. She has a friend across the street from her, but that friend has heart failure. I'm not a person on my Mom's file at her doctors, so they wouldn't tell me anything. One of my sisters lives a half hour from our mom. She does have her own stuff like depression{I've had suicidal thoughts and circumstantial depression myself, but that would be better at least if not for problems with my ex who I still live with for now; but that isn't the only thing I'm not happy about}, and my sister has a husband, kids and grandkids, work, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. And feels she has to do everything but it doesn't sound like she's doing much at all lately regarding our mother. I understand and know that she has her own stuff, and so do I. Aside from what I mentioned, I have been single too long and want to find someone again, and for my life to get better. While I realize it's not all about me, I have feelings and wants and needs, too. I have thought about moving back to my home state, and getting my own place. I don't want to live with my Mom. No one is asking me to. But I would help her what I could but yeah, I don't want to live with her. I call her, and I sent her a Mother's day card. I don't get home much, and can't afford to right now. I am about to finish certification for a remote job. Oh and regarding my Mom, she also may have used a credit card too much, and hopefully my aunt will get it from her. I don't think I'm horrible for not wanting to live with her. Unless I'm not good for not doing so in case something awful happened, and could have already. She seems normal for the most part when I talk to her.
That being said, if I were in your position I'd have a conference call with your sisters and your Aunt to exchange information and discuss what everything thinks may be a solution, and also discuss who is willing and able to do anything for her consistently.
You are not morally or ethically obligated to live with her. No one can force or assume anyone into a caregiving responsibility. But, you and your sisters & Aunt are in the best position to line up the best available help for her, if you are willing to do this. So, once there is consensus among you about what the best help for her is, and who (or what organization) should do it, then this decision will guide all other solutions for her.
At the minimum, someone can call APS for her county to report her as a vulnerable senior. It is possible that the county will acquire guardianship of her and then they will make all care and medical and financial decisions for her.
I'm sorry you are in this distressing situation. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart over this situation.
You're not in a position to help, nor should you be. You have enough going on, and you need to take care of yourself first. That isn't selfish; it's smart. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? "Selfish" is a label that others slap on us when they want us to do something that they don't want to do. This is a good thing to keep in mind.
Effective Human Relations Course 101: The first thing to do is step back to give yourself time to think. The second thing is gather information. The third step is evaluate your options. Fourth step is evaluate some more. Fifth step is to draw a conclusion, which you might want to test. Sixth step: Decide what to do.
I'd advise some space between you and all the relatives and also from mom. You're being bombarded with information from every which way. Some of it may not be true. Some may be manipulative, as in "Mom blah blah blah and WE want you to blah blah blah." In no way should their blah blah blah become your blah blah blah.
You're in the first step, which is give yourself time to think. You've made a good move by coming to this forum to gather information.
Keep in mind that you don't owe these people anything. Sharing the same DNA doesn't make you a servant or a slave to them. You should not move in with mom. Mom should not move in with you. If that happens, your life is over. I mean it. Nothing you take for granted now, such as your freedom to come and go as you like, the possibility of finding a life partner, or even keeping your own cat, would be guaranteed. You'd be knocking yourself out for mom, her relatives, your sisters, and for what? Misery.
I wish you luck. The best way to have luck is not to get involved.
"New Jersey is 1 of 29 states to have a filial responsibility law. What is it? Basically, children have a legal responsibility to support their parents when their parents are incapable of financially taking care of themselves."
By "support" they mean monetarily. You provide your parent with basic necessities, food, clothing and shelter. These laws were made before the states implemented Social Services. I live in NJ and we are a State that has a decent Welfare system. The the ability of the child to be able to support a parent is taken in consideration. I would not worry about that law. Aunt calling APS on sisters will not work.
I would call APS to evaluate Moms situation. Aunt can explain what she sees in her sister. If your sister is willing to move in, Mom may not have a choice. Its that, Assisted Living if she can afford it or Long-term care with Medicaid helping with the cost if Mom has no money. Its no longer what Mom wants but what she needs. The State becoming her guardian would be the last thing I would allow. By them becoming her guardian, you have no say in her care.
Since Aunt and sisters are there, they need to get together and figure this all out. Aunt should not be doing any care with her heath. So ur two sisters need to decide. If you really don't mind moving back tell them that but you will not live with her and because u need to work, you will not physically care for her. You will though help.
Keeping up close family connections can be great, can bring good support both sides. Sometimes the sharing of news is just that. Sharing of daily news & worries. Waves going back & forth.
But some share their news peppered with little 'hints' to find help. Little hooks. Others throw great big ropes to hopefully lasso your ankle & drag you into their world.
Or maybe the sensitive folk amoung us, the ones with high empathy will feel the pull of the waves more? Feel the worries. Feel the need to fix. Is this you?
Your safest course may be to keep swimming towards your own goals. Hear their news. Ask what they want to do? Be a support. But without any expectation you will build rafts for everyone to stay afloat.
Lol — well put!
From what you're saying here, your mother most certainly has dementia. You say she seems normal to you when the two of you talk. That's called 'showtiming'. It means a person with dementia can pull it together for short periods of time and seem totally fine.
They're not though.
You say your aunt has experience with Alzheimer's/dementia. Take her word for it when she says your mother isn't fine.
Please for your mother's sake and the safety of everyone else on the road, no more driving.
Your mother is not your aunt's responsibility. So what may be mistaken as guilt-tripping from your aunt may actually be resentment and fear. You say you have two siblings. The three of you need to get together and make some decisions for your mother.
If none of you are willing to, then one of you can call APS and put it in their hands. I will tell you straight speaking from 25 years of caregiving experience. APS isn't going to do anything until there's a crisis. Communicate with your siblings first. There are many options which do not include you moving in with your mother. The three of you need to explore some.
Your sisters have no legal obligation to provide care for your mother.
Your Aunt should instead call Social Services or Adult Protective Services and report your mother as a vulnerable adult who can't care for herself adequately.
Does one of your sisters have POA for your mom? Can you ask your sister that you get along with better to talk to your mom's doctor about screening her for dementia? Does her doctor have an online portal? If so, get her signed up and share the password with your sisters so you can all see her records online. I love that so much for my mom.
Is your mom's paperwork in order? Does she have a will? Living will? POA for financial and health? If she it still competent, this should be done ASAP. If she's not competent, then that ship has sailed and it is what it is.
People with dementia can seem pretty normal on a phone call. There are short term and long term memory but there is also the type of memory (immediate?) that allows people to carry on a conversation. I know my mom uses lots of vague answers but they sound normal in a convo. But I know that they are just a defense mechanism and she is fairly lost given her dementia.
Good luck.
There seem to be many issues with your mom. You have explained that you don't wish to assume care for mom. Which is fine. I would encourage others not to discuss a whole lot of nebulous daily problems with you. You sound somewhat over informed by others to me, and it seems to be pressuring you in some way.
I hope you will get on with your own life, and not over-think what the future will bring. You know where you stand, and that's a good thing.
Your Aunt is really trying, in a passive-aggressive way, to lay a guilt trip on you.
You live a long way away from mom. You don't have POA for mom. You have a life and a job where you live. Just what, exactly, does your Aunt expect you to do about this situation? You might want to ask her just that, get her to lay her cards on the table, so to speak.
While I can understand her concern for her sister, the calls she SHOULD be making, if she feels her sister is not safe living alone, is to APS. That you said in a response "she doesn't want my mom taken far away" speaks volumes to me. Your aunt wants you to come and live with her sister so she doesn't "lose" her sister to a facility. And your aunt has figured that of all of her sister's children, you are the one most likely to do just that, for whatever reason that may be.
Next time Auntie calls up, tell her that, while you love your mom, you're really not in a position to be much help from this distance, and you have neither the means mor the desire to move "back home". Your home is where you are living right now. Then tell her the only way you **might** consider helping out is to find an appropriate facility close to you that mom could go to, assuming that 1) mom is amenable 2) mom can afford it and 3) if mom ISN'T amenable, then whoever holds POA will get her declared incompetent and force the move. That will probably stop the phone calls from your Auntie, or at least reduce them somewhat.
I'm sorry, but I get really aggravated when I see guilt trips disguised as "information sharing". I dealt with this nonsense from my own aunt, and it's a definite trigger for me.