My 95-year old mom lives 800 miles away from me. She needs full-time help now, but she refuses to move to AL, so we have helpers at her house 24 hours a day. No family lives nearby. Before COVID-19, I was flying in every month or so to see her, but now I'm too scared to fly and go see her without a quarantine first. She keeps wanting me to come and is very unhappy. I don't know what to do or what to tell her. I can't see a fix for this in the short term; even if I drove, it would be hard to do so without staying overnight somewhere. Any thoughts?
The loneliness is what’s the worst for them. It won’t replace an in-person visit, but increasing phone calls, flowers or small gift deliveries, hand-written cards “thinking of you” and every other little thing that you can send to brighten their day is all we have right now. Maybe her caregiver can help with delivering a smartphone video clip of you sending your mom a message of love and encouragement—my sister recently helped do that for my mom which cheered her up and I liked it, too. If she is safe where she is, entering that environment might put her at risk. If she were to fall ill and die from it, imagine living with the idea that you might have had some part in it.
I also have to imagine that you are in a risk group, too. I’m 66 with an underlying health condition and I’m afraid to touch gas pumps without using gloves and taking lots of other precautions. I’m staying home until things settle down a little more and it’s a difficult choice to make. I realize that thinking of yourself is the last thing you are doing in this, but you really need to. Are you all she has?
But, you're mom is 95, and you are however old. You're in charge now. Your mom needs to live near you, obviously. Time is running out. I'm sorry, but it's not really her choice at this point, it's yours. If you can afford 24 hour help 800 miles away, then you can afford help in your own city, and you would be able to be involved in her life on a regular basis.
As to the virus question, you can get yourself tested and then yes, you can drive to visit your mom. Maybe a friend or family member can go with you to ease the burden of the long drive?
Tell her you'll come as soon as you can and in the mean time see if you can get someone like the geek squad to set up so you can facetime with her or skyppe...
As far as quarantining once you get there...well, look, you've got caregivers coming in and spending the days and nights with her...do you know where they go and what they do when not with your mom? So mom has some risk from them, technically. Wishing you luck, whatever you decide...
As mentioned by others, hotels and airlines are under strick regulations so choose reputable ones.
Also, if you have faith, ask God for guidance and safety for all.
Good luck and I hope you are able to visit her!
As for her staying where she is, I’ve both had 24 hr care for my mom and had her in a home. She’s in a memory care center now and it’s complicated because she’s paralyzed from a stroke. I think the way to convince her to be willing to move is to tell her you miss her too and would like to have her come out “for a little while...” “for a period of time” so that you all can be closer and visit each other until the pandemic dies down. I don’t know what shape she is in to travel but presenting the option as a temporary one is often a way people get their parents into assisted living when they’re resistant.
It’s a really tough time. I live a two days’ drive away from my mom and if something serious happens to her, my plan is to drive there. I’m not flying right now. But I’m also in a big city where cases are spiking. They aren’t allowing visitors where she is but even if I insisted on it and they agreed, I’m not going to put my mom or anyone else’s loved ones at risk.
I should also add I’ve had two friends die of the virus- in their 40’s and 50’s. And several other friends get it. It took them 3 months to recover. It’s not a small thing like many people make it out to be. I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy, much less my mom.
To fly there:
Wear a face mask the entire time travelling - in the departing airport, on the plane, and in the arriving airport.
Arrival at mom's:
Decontaminate in the garage - leave suitcase there and spray the outside with disinfectant. Change into t-shirt and shorts and leave all "dirty, travel" clothes in a plastic bag to wash later. Immediately take a head to toe shower and change into clean clothing BEFORE greeting your mother.
Limit your own comings and goings when your are visiting with her. If you are out, wear a face mask, social distance, and clean your hands thoroughly several times a day.
Bon voyage
I would drive and pick a motel where you can park your car in front of your room door; room should have its own independent HVAC. With online reviews and photos you should be able to find a suitable motel. If in doubt, call a hospital in the area and ask for recommendations. Don't be afraid of locally owned motels; my experience has been many smaller local motels offer better cleanliness and service than even better chains.
Enter the room with some wipes and clean down every hard surface or place you would touch (door knobs, controls, lamp switches), then wash your own hands. Bring your carry-on/luggage in and place it on the luggage stand or a table and do not unpack more than some basic stuff to the vanity. Due to my asthma, I always pack my own pillow and a blanket/sheet I put over the motel's bedding and pull to my face.