My mom is 88. Amazingly healthy physically but can’t remember 5 minutes ago. She thinks she has a bit of a memory problem but says it’s because we moved her to my brother’s home in Washington state when pandemic started. She has a house in Florida that we rented out to save some money for caregivers who come and take her out to do social activities and for future assisted living. She thinks she is going back to Florida when the renter leaves. I have found assisted living near me in Colorado where we want her to end up. What will happen if we take her there? It would be her own apartment, but she’ll notice the people are old and in much worse shape physically than her. If she tries to leave, what do I do?
Can you tell me what diagnostic work Mom has had, and do you have MD letters confirming Mom isn't well enough to make her own decisions?
For now I am assuming all of the above is a done thing. Then know that your Mom will likely adjust if she is correctly placed. I am uncertain that ALF is the answer is there is a good deal of dementia;Mom may require memory care.
My brother's ALF had a full range of people. Those who were basically self caring and mentally quite with it down to those who were wheel chair bound or not very acute mentally. However, someone with the inability to have ALF care did have to move on to memory care.
If Mom is well enough for ALF it is time to level with her that she isn't safe on her own and this is the best arrangement, the best place, nearest to you for visits, and the best you can do. Don't expect "happiness". She may mourn and so may you. This is worth mourning. Our elder years often come down to loss upon loss upon loss until finally loss of our own minds and all that makes us who we are. It isn't anything to "adjust to". It is simply sad. So many things in life are so.
My brother used to use his rather grim humor to say "Hon, this is a bit like the army. I didn't like being THERE either, but I made the best of it" or "Hon, they bicker here more than the communes we knew about in the 60s". He didn't "like" it. He wasn't "happy", but he understood what his diagnosis of probable early Lewy's Dementia meant,he understood what was coming, and he was realistic.
I sure wish you the best. You need to know that not everything can be fixed. You are doing the best you can. She will do the best she can. And on you go. The rosy movie-outcome is magical thinking. It doesn't exist in the real realm.
My mother (and father) lived at The Gardens at Columbine in Littleton CO for almost 7 years before they passed away; mom was in their Memory Care bldg for nearly 3 years, where they took wonderful care of her.
Make sure that the AL you choose does the correct intake on mom to determine she's fit for regular AL and doesn't need Memory Care; in my experience, it's best to ward OFF Memory Care for as long as possible, especially if the place you choose has MC available on location. To me, MC is a last resort and only necessary if/when mom is wandering around or at the point where her dementia is interfering greatly with her everyday life. MOST elders in AL have some level of dementia going on as it is. Lots of elders do not have tons of physical problems in AL, so I'm not sure why you think your mom will see people in such bad condition?? In The Gardens, most of the elders were well dressed, ambulatory and had their hair done weekly. There were very very few wheelchairs in use, quite a few walkers, but there was NO feel of a nursing home there whatsoever. They had dancing on Friday nights with a happy hour & a live band, too. Hopefully you picked an AL that has a lively feel to it...?
My folks adjusted to AL very quickly and had a nice time making friends and enjoying the many activities and dining services that went on there daily. I hope your mom finds the same situation.
Best of luck.
Each time she says that, I explain to her that is how the medical field terms her problem and that term covers several memory disorders. She seems to be ok with that.