My mom is 54 and moved in 5 years ago. I was going through a martial separation and my daughter was only 1 at the time. Few months after getting settled into my new apartment and life, my mom comes over crying that my sister kicked her out and she had no place to stay. My sister took her in five months prior to this. I explained that I was going through a lot emotionally and her staying could only be short term, about six months. My mom to give some background is not any type of addict or alcoholic but she did have me young, at 16 and loves to guilt me about that. It has always been an unhealthy issue. She does not have a job and she decided to leave my father around the time both he lost his job and my marriage was also crumbling. Throughout the course of her living with me, a year or so later me and my husband went to counseling and decided to get back together. Things have been great in our marriage since with the exception of my mom, who stresses us both out. We live in a small two bedroom and my my mom sleeps on the couch. We have moved once to a further part of city and my mom begged to come with because she said she’d be homeless. I’ve tried to talk reasonably with her but she cries hysterically if I mention that there should be boundaries and that my family unit needs to be me, my husband, my daughter and while I love her greatly I need my life back. It always is the same cycle of tears and hysterics and then no progress. No job seeking, no moving out, nothing. I feel trapped in my own life. With the pandemic things have been even more stressful for everyone. My husband and I have been talking for awhile about buying a house. We are considering moving in about a year and starting our life in our new home with just the three of us. I’m dreading the conversation with my mom and always feeling guilty if she doesn’t have anywhere to go. I have 2 sisters and the one that took her in for 5 months refuses to let her back as my mom caused her to have bad anxiety attacks and lied when she said she kicked her out. My sister asked for boundaries from my mom and never actually kicked her out. My younger sister lives in a one bedroom with her boyfriend and will not let my mom stay for even a night. My mom doesn’t have any major health issues aside from asthma, she does have an inhaler but hasn’t had an asthma attack for years, and allergies. I’m sure my situation is unique as everyone I talked to has not gone through something like it with a parent so young. I’m 38 and being only 16 years apart, it’s hard to financially carry my mom and I’m unsure being so close in age I can care for her and my daughter as she grows up, my daughter is only 6, at the same time. All I want is my life back and health space. I would love to have my mom come over and visit. I have talked to family therapist about this and my mom is unwilling to speak to them. My sisters aren’t much help and my father would take back my mom but she refuses. How can I move on with my life happily in a new home when I have the guilt of my mom saying she has no where to go? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I would suggest that it is unlikely that your Mom will make a move to move even were you to put a time limit on her. You may be forced to find her a small studio she can afford and physically move her things to that place, if she cannot abide by your family decision to require her to be moved in say, 6 months period of time.
As she has been now enabled in her DEpendency I am afraid you are going to have to enable her in INdependency. Perhaps consider counseling with her so that you can openly discuss this.
Don't expect to do this without tears. She is very frightened I would imagine; that's worth crying about. Reassure her you will remain a support for her, but that you now need to live alone as a family which is your right.
In 1983, which according to my math is the year the OP was born, Roe v. Wade was the law of the land. She chose to have this child. She apparently wasn't so traumatized that it kept her from having 2 more children. She left her husband when he lost his job, and moved in with one of her children, until she overstayed her welcome THERE and then moved in with a second. She is a master manipulator. Not a helpless waif. If the OP starts to arrange living for mom, it will become her responsibility forever! There will always be some sort of excuse why mom can't do it herself, always! People like that don't change unless their feet are held to the fire and they are forced to.
SO Mah1482, hold mom's feet to the fire. Build your house with your husband. Move into it with your husband and your child. Leave mom behind! Let the landlord deal with evicting her. I'm not usually this harsh, but for real - your mom has been USING you. This has nothing at all to do with love, this is not what love looks like! The only way to stop her from USING you to to cut ties once and for all. She is NOT your responsibility in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM!!! Believe me, once you shut down the gravy train, she will find someone else to glom off of - don't be surprised if she ends up back with your dad.
Good luck and be happy!
I agree with Alva that the thought of being "independent" is probably terrifying to her (as she has never done this). Be reassuring to her that you'll help her and that you love her but the current situation cannot continue. Your mom is still young enough to learn a trade. There is a labor shortage right now so it shouldn't be hard for her to find a decent, full-time job - covid or not.
You can contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies to any training programs, services or cost-controlled housing. You can agree to fund her rent for a time but then it has a hard stop after that agree-upon date or she won't every learn that boundary and responsibility. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you do a difficult, but necessary, thing.
At this point if she will not willingly move out you have the option of taking her to court and legally evicting her. (if she is on the lease it might be more difficult) I am surprised that the landlord is renting to 3 adults and a child in a 2 bedroom apartment. In many areas that is not permitted. (local regulations differ I guess)
But you are not responsible for your mother.
Check out Senior Apartments in your area. Take her to sign up for housing. Unfortunately it might be a long wait. There are sites where you can look for roommates. (then she becomes their problem not yours)
Give her a date to move out by and stick to it.
Begin filing the eviction papers in court. (this might be difficult if your area has a restriction on evicting during COVID but this might be different since she is a non paying tenant.)
If you want Mom out immediately, you and your husband have to move and not let her move in with you at the new place. You can sign a one-year lease for three residents (you, hubby, and your daughter), then buy your house in a year as planned. Do not let Mom stay even one night.
Your youngest sister has it down -- don't let Mom stay even a single night.
Does Mom have a job? How is she supporting herself? I suggest you give her a list of social service agencies (jobs, housing, food stamps, if necessary), move, and start your life again.
In fact, I seem to be alternating laughing hysterically and throwing up a little in my mouth.
We talk about “GUILT” here A LOT, and in over three years, I can’t remember ONE unusual reason for either flinging OR ABSORBING GUILT that was as out of left field as this one.
The problem with guilt in a situation like yours is that it doesn’t ever get anyone anywhere. It just sits there.....
So here go a couple thoughts- YOU are receiving help from a THERAPIST. Either you have discussed your gestation donor’s ridiculous manipulations, and are processing your way out of them, OR it will come up SOON, and you can get to work on the topic then.
You have no (ZERO) obligation to “discuss” anything with your mother, LEAST OF ALL, your own emancipation. Continue to work with your husband, buy the house, move. “Discussing” with people who insult you, making meaningless threats, or “cry hysterically” doesn’t count as “discussing”. Don’t waste your time.
Have you considered that there are co-dependence aspects of your current situation that need some therapist support too? Give it some thought.
You will not change this woman’s interaction with any of the other people inhabiting her weird circle. It is a waste of your time to try.
Picture yourself in a safe circle that does not inhabit your mother. It is actually possible that if you can separate yourself from her, and let her become more like the dignified adult that YOU are working yourself into being, it MAY be possible to have a relationship with her something like you are looking for.
Get to work on yourself, and see what happens! You DESERVE a Happy Ending!
Every boundary you have set is reasonable. Hysterics are not.
A firm move out date is called for. Your Mom does not get a vote this time.
Save yourself and your family.
Your mother is a smart woman. She has gotten you to do her bidding.
You? You are a gift from God. A precious young woman, who deserves to live a life with her husband and child.
1st, you have nothing to feel guilty about that her decisions at 16 resulted in her becoming a mom.
2nd, she has a home but refuses to go back to it. So she does have some place to go.
3rd, your 6 year old is learning all about manipulation from your mom. If I don't get my way a good fit will change that!!!
You say that your mom has age related decline, I can't even imagine what that could mean at 55 but , this is all the more reason to get her out of your home. Because she will only get worse and it could go on for decades.
Quite truthfully,she sounds like a spoiled narcissist brat and you will have to ignore her manipulation and tantrums and tell her that she has over stayed her welcome and she needs to go home and be the adult that she is.
I am so sorry that you and your family are being so grossly used by the woman that gave birth to you. She is not a mother, she has proven that, time for you to step away and let her live with the consequences of her choices and put her big girl panties on.
In no way is that your fault.
Sadly, it does happen, babies are born to young moms due to various reasons.
Most of the time, younger people aren’t emotionally or financially prepared to raise a family. There are exceptions, your mom isn’t one of the exceptions.
I am very sorry that your mom is struggling with her emotions concerning her feelings about her past.
Unfortunately, people that are deeply hurting sometimes hurt others, which is sad because they target people who certainly don’t deserve to be hurt.
Please know that I am not excusing your mom’s behavior, nor am I justifying it. I am merely explaining how it often happens.
I am happy to see that you have broken your mother’s cycles.
You are wise to seek help for yourself.
It would be nice if your mother would join your therapy sessions.
She could help herself and her family move towards healing.
I don’t blame you for wanting your life back.
You are sacrificing an awful lot by allowing her to live with you.
She needs more help than you can give her. She is not your responsibility.
It’s sad but you may end up having to evict her.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Keep us posted. We care.
I would talk to Social Services. See if they can get her help in getting her an apt and Money to temporarily hold her over. Like said maybe work training or help her find something she is capable of doing. If she didn't graduate, good time to get her GED. Check out Medicaid for health insurance. It may pay for a therapist.
The only person who can do this for Mom is Mom. At 54 she is not entitled to SS or Medicare. If u don't set boundries now, its going to get worse as she ages.
Just read where Dad would take her back. If there was no abuse, then maybe thats what she needs to do. They don't have to sleep in the same bed, just be roomies. In the meatime, Dad should not disable her. She needs to carry her own weight. For now COVID is a problem but she should be able to find something job wise eventually. She could do her GED online probably.
If she goes to live with Dad, you girls are going to need to keep saying, there will be no living with us. You need to be able to do it on ur own.
There is no more the good little wife stays home and cares for the kids and keeps house. It takes two now to support a family. We all, men and women, need to be independent. If one leaves or dies, the other can support themselves.
My daughter was 16 when she had her son. I left a job (didn't much like anyway) to babysit while she finished hischool and then nursing school. After getting a job, she moved out of our home and moved in with a friend. From there she got an apt of her own. She bought her own cars and by the age of 24 she bought her house right up the street from me. She has asked us for nothing. At 33 she married and had her second son. Now divorced. Other than watching her boys at times, she has asked us for nothing. Not that we wouldn't have been there for her, but she wanted to do it on her own. Both my girls are independent. Thats how it is suppose to be.