I have let myself be guilted into loaning her money for 10+ years but now the gambling seems like it’s escalating (several thousands to her this year) and now I’m retired and can’t keep doing this. I’m worried about her and also afraid to call (she lives in another state about 500 miles away) since she gets very mean. I’ve called help lines and gone to counseling and know that I need to stop covering her gambling debts but still very worried. Nothing I say seems to really make a difference and really my mom is only satisfied if I give her money and doesn’t want to hear anything. She didn’t used to be like this but now is lonely and doesn’t have any friends and won’t reach out. She doesn’t like my suggestions and honestly doesn’t like me so I don’t know how to help but I know I’ve got to stop covering gambling losses. I am ordering food for her from her grocery store which she appreciates but says I’m treating her like a child by not putting the money she wants in her account. She won’t be able to pay her bills this month but could catch up in a couple of months if she stopped gambling. Sometimes she’s saying things did or didn’t happen that aren’t accurate so I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking or she’s starting to get confused. There aren’t any other immediate family members. Any ideas would be welcome.
You are 500 miles away and you allow her to have power over you. You say you have been to counseling so have you heard of co-dependency? Stop giving her YOUR money -- you're gonna need it for yourself! Stop filling her account so that you don't drown along with her.
Are you her durable Power of Attorney for her finances (and/or medical)? You say her addiction is worse and this may be a result of cognitive decline, so not sure any intervention is going to be effective (except literally physically putting her someplace where she can't gamble).
If I were in your shoes I would tell her the new rules: you will not be filling her account with cash for any reason, period. She will start thrashing about and screaming and you will hang up. Hanging up is a real attention-getter. Do it every time she launches into a tirade. She will either give up on calling you or eventually get the message that you're not taking her abusive toxic noise anymore.
You may end up calling social services on her as a vulnerable adult. You can contact her county and talk to a social worker there for advice which may help you. She can become a ward of the state and they will find a facility for her and take care of her basic needs but she won't be starving and on the streets. It's not going to be easy to break the pattern you have voluntarily established, but you need to see that your mom will be an anchor around your neck and she won't care that you both drown. Wishing you find the inner strength and wisdom to deal with the challenges ahead. It's your only real path forward.
Are you paying for her food delivery too? If yes, stop that too. She will not starve, unless she chooses to do so.
You need to back off completely.
You may worry about her, but she is not worried about anything other than gambling, so why should you worry?
Guilt? For what? Not enabling an addict?
How is she gambling? If she gets to casinos, she can get to grocery stores or the food bank.
Have you reported her to her local agency on aging as a vulnerable adult?
I feel that you are the one needing help here, because I seriously doubt that she will get help. There is always help, but addiction is a very tough one. Please go to Gamblers Anonymous and read all you can; off to Amazon to see the books.
Guilt is an interesting word, and I think I see it more than any other word on the Forum. You feel guilt for stopping your enabling her to throw money away on her addiction? That's a tough one, really. Or are you just honestly afraid to hear what she has to say when she doesn't get her way? Because there is an answer to that. It is called a door. Just "You have a good day and give me a ring when you are in a better mood, won't you" and then off you go.
Please seek some counseling for yourself if you cannot access Gamblers anonymous. Even a visit to your local AA would help. They will be glad to listen to why you are there. And they may have some stellar advice, as they live their lives around what addictions do to us.
My mother was for many years going to move to Paris,lose weight,write books that no one had any interest in. I simply ignore all of this but none of the above was costing untold amounts of money. The stroke she suffered put an end to trying to actively get a book published.
She is now nearly 89 years old,lives in AL and has adapted. Her weight is nearly at its highest but I simply accept this is what she is doing to herself. This behavior does not directly affect my life. That is not your situation at all. You need to look out for yourself. I hope you find the strength to do so. You should not in the least let her guilt absorb you any further. This addiction of hers has already robbed you of so much.
There are so many here who wish for different mothers or wish the negative aspects of their personality were not there. It affects us greatly but at some point we have to put what is important first. The well being we need for ourselves and those we share a life or relationship with comes before any negative behaviors trying to destroy that.
I agree with the advice you’ve been given. It’s great you’re doing grocery delivery for your mom, great peace of mind knowing she’ll have food. But no more money. I genuinely hope she’ll be able to break away from her addiction and find a new outlet for belonging
You nailed it! Who do you think paid for all of the glitz and glam? The customers! It is a business. House always wins. The few that do win are lucky. The addicts put all the money back!
My mom has been a gambler my entire life, I believe that is why I was raised in Las Vegas, so she had easy access to a casino.
I finally had to explain to her that I would not be bailing her out because she chooses to gamble every penny with no thought for the repercussions. She has always behaved like your mom when her actions were questioned or she didn't get her way. It is what everyone that is doing whatever they want without care for anything or anyone but themselves does. They lash out and blame, it moves the focus off their behavior that they don't want to change. If you persist you get the silent treatment as a way of punishing you for your bad behavior. It's a nasty circular cycle. Step away from giving her any money and let it shake out. 8 or 84 our actions have consequences and she needs to learn the hard way. I have seen my mom spend 25k in one week end. I wasn't even earning that annually at that point, so it can get worse. The more you give the more she will spend on gambling.
She won't get counseling because she doesn't want to change. When it hurts enough she may be willing to look at getting help.
Best of luck, it's a sucky situation for sure.
if you think the gambling is escalating, and on top of that you're losing confidence in her clarity, her judgement, her thinking, whatever you want to call it - is it possible for you to go and see her? I know 500 miles is a heck of a journey, but I think it's the only way to get a clear view of what's going on with her.
I am sure that you know that the only reason that she wants money in her account is for gambling, not groceries, not bills, not anything other than gambling.
Addicts have a one track mind.
You are already helping her by not giving her money. Banish your guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I did the same as you, stopped giving cash to an addict. My brother was addicted to drugs. I bought him groceries but didn’t give him cash. I took him to the store to buy groceries. He would get cash from my mom but not me.
You know she can’t be trusted. The truth is that addicts lie. They are liars so they can get cash. Gamblers who are addicted never come out ahead because even if they win they put it all back into more gambling. It’s a horrible mind game.
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