Mom doesn’t recognize me sometimes. Do you have tips on how to interact?

Sometimes my mom introduces me to staff that I am her mother or sister, staff knows who I am. I just let her go and let her think I am her mother, sister or she gets it right and knows I’m her daughter. I don’t correct her it just confuse her more.

My LO no longer knows anyone, however, once when the Hospice nurse asked her if she knew who I was, she said, "Of course." SHOCKED us all. (She is no longer verbal, but, came out with that. Nothing since then though.) But, I don't think the knew. She just knew that I was a nice lady who was there with a smile to comfort her. Once she told her doctor that I was her best friend and so was the MC staff member who was with us. (I'm her cousin and caretaker, but, friend too.)

If she asked that you might be family, I'd likely say that I am your family and love you. And play it by ear if that is unsettling to her.

I stopped asking her about knowing names or if she knew me. It was obvious she didn't. So, I would just approach her with a big smile, touch her arm lightly and give a compliment, before beginning my visit. I always say, how lovely she looks in that nice top, her hair is so pretty, etc. I talk about my parents, give update on them, the weather, show her photos on my phone, just as if she does not have dementia. I don't expect any response and do not get any.

You might take her things that she likes to discuss. My LO loved animals, especially cats, so there were always cat pictures, cat t-shirts, things she would enjoy to talk about. It didn't really matter who I was. But, I can imagine that for a daughter, that would be painful and quite an adjustment, so, I know that must be tough.

My mother told me she recognized me as her co-star on the New York stage. At other times, she would speak to me as if I were a confidant and not her daughter. Those were the rough times because she often told me things I didn’t want to know. At those times, I didn’t correct her or argue with her and try to convince her I was her daughter. It’s truly best to just go along Smile and agree with the delusion. It’s the best and least stressful way.

Thank you every one! I know I’ll have to adjust... again! Chances are that mom will take me for her mom, it happened when she was hospitalized! Because I took care for her in a so maternal manner for years long before she needs the memory facility all through her cancer, surgery and the loss of her husband, my dear father ( and besides her all along the long agony of pop!)

It’s another form of agony, at least for me. For her, as long as I go with her delusion (2h conversation about her plush robot dog) she’s fine. I’ll maintain the illusion. I’ll find my own way to cope.

God bless you and your loved ones

I know it's difficult especially at first but if you can bring yourself around to simply join her in whatever time of her life, dream or fantasy she is living in at the moment rather than see it as her decline or forgetting/not knowing you enjoy getting to know her where she is. Just go with it. I often find that just going along with the conversation I can either figure out what mom is talking about (aphasia and some dementia no doubt) or if she is calling me by her sisters name (she has done this at times for ever) she figures it out and corrects herself or I just let it go. So far I know she she knows who I am no matter what she calls me but when the time comes that she really does think I'm her sister and I expect it will I will just be Kathy, I know how much she loves her too so at least she knows I'm someone she loves and who loves her.

Not sure if this is a good or bad thing but maybe you will learn some family history you never knew about. It's the feeling of the visit/conversation that's important, the time spent together for each of you not the setting or actual words spoken, that unspoken stuff is what's precious now. Enjoy this time living in your moms time a place.

My Grandma would ask my Dad what his name was as she thought that he was the "handy man" who came to her apt to "fix things".  When Dad told Grandma what his name was, Grandma would reply, "I have a son by that name."  She just could not realize that Dad and her Son were the same person.  We would just laugh it off as "Grandma being Grandma".  She rarely recognized anyone the last 2 years of her life (age 92-94) and we considered it a blessing when she did know a family member.

One blessing occurred when I stopped at her apt to pick her up so that she could attend a party at my parents' house.  When I opened the car door so that Grandma could get into my car, she commented, "You got a new car!  I like it!"  And even though Grandma had seen this car a couple of times since I had gotten it 6 months earlier; it was a blessing that she realized that this car was different from the car that I had driven for almost 10 years.  You take your blessings when they happen. 😊

My 92 year old mother introduces me as her mother. To all the people I've known at the ALF where she lives for the past 4 years. Sometimes twice in the same visit. Today she told me her friend Ann told her she was so lucky to have such a wonderful husband like Chuck. Chuck is my husband, her son in law. Welcome to the rabbit hole of dementia, where every day and every person is brand new 24/7. It's really hard to watch the decline of these women who once took care of us, and accept that we're now taking care of them. The whole thing is gut wrenching, frankly, and it's tough not to get depressed, isn't It? I don't think arguing with them or constantly correcting them achieves a good result, because once they have an idea in their head, it's there to stay. Roll with punches to the best of your ability, is my suggestion.
Brest of luck

Mom never called me Mom but I think at times she thought I was. Literally her face and speech would be like a childs. And calling a daughters husband hers, I think it sometimes has to do with them not being able to find "the right word/s".

Relationships can be so difficult as the mind changes as we age. When I arrive at my clients homes I never know what stage of there life they will be in. For the most part there memories are from 40 years ago to childhood. It's actually very fascinating as this will give you a glimpse into the seniors younger years.

I hear the same stories over and over. I find I ask questions in different ways which take us down new paths. Photos are a blessing as they jog the memories. If they don't recognize you have them tell you about there life and family. This will help bring them into present day.

In many ways this is like playing a game with the person. You will master it and learn to enjoy it. If and when they get angry, walk away. You can't argue with someone that is confused. Just take a break.

My mom didn't get agitated when I'd say "hi mom, how are ya doing today", but if she had I just would have left the mom part out and carried on. Honestly, though her cognition varied from day to day I'm pretty sure she didn't remember I was her daughter or even that she had children (playing the "what do you remember" game was something I did a fair bit early on, I found it both fascinating and horrifying), but I think she recognized me as someone familiar who was looking out for her right up til the end.

My mom had ALZ. And it was shocking the first few times that she didn’t know who I was. After awhile she called me sister a lot. And my brother, her husband Sam. I found as time went on she basically retreated back in time and I became other relatives. My mom had a bad childhood til she was 27 and married my dad. She is not from this country and spoke a different language, until she went to school here in the US and got her naturalization papers and high school diploma. Sadly she eventually went back to speaking her native tongue. Some I understood and some not. Before she stopped talking completely even hospice knew she had been badly abused and I felt so bad but I could not connect to her because I became the ‘bad’ person. It was hard. But with the chaplains help and a very thoughtful husband I manage to keep my wits about me. At least now she is at peace and I know I did the best I could. Good luck honey and God Bless you.

My mother has been confused on who is who for a few years now. At first I corrected her but now if she asks or seems lucid( like a slip of the tongue) I’ll say “do you mean (insert correct name)?” More so I know what she’s talking about but if she’s talking in circles like she does usually, I let it slide.
My older daughter is “her daughter”, my sister( her daughter ) is my long dead aunt, my husband is her stepson, dead husband, maintenance guy, occasionally my brother. I’m nobody, she knows my name but can’t place it with my husband or kids lol.
With dementia is seems once it’s gone it’s not coming back consistently.

Hi Michou......Believe me when I say I can relate to your Mom's issue. The first time my Mom asked me who I was, I completely broke down then and for days after. Mom passed away 9-11-2017 and it still hurts. My Mom lived with me for 24 years and we were always very close. As an only child, I couldn't believe this was happening. Our Dr. once said "If your Mom said that then.....don't push it. Her memory is gone". Others would tell me the same thing. I've never been one to give up easy and I didn't. This is my Mom and I would do whatever I could to try and help her remember. The only thing I can tell you is "NEVER EVER" give up Hope. When speaking with Mom during the day or night, I would Always slide into the conversation in a few different ways - "You know me right?" If there was any hesitation I would always respond with "Mom it's Me - Your Son". Once again I never gave up. Our condo consisted of 3 floors so I had baby monitors eerywhere. One morning, I heard my Mom call me by my Name. I was resting and at first I thougth I was dreaming, until I heard Mom call me twice-by name. This was about 2 years after our Dr. said her memory was gone etc. Mom was in her bed watching the T.V. When I approached her and said "Hi"..her comment was - "Can I have something to drink please". Talk about music to my ears. I was Mom's caregiver for 5 years and we went though many different issues and changes. Will this work for everyone? Maybe not - BUT...the only point I'm making is - Never Give Up Hope. Your friends and next door neighbors mean well when they give advice, but they are not Family. I was told early on by a Nurse, that if you have been close to your parents, they will always remember your Voice. When it was nearing Mom's end, I was a true believer when I would speak to Mom and she would squeze my fingers when talking with her. Alzheimeer's-Dememtia-Lewy Body's - horrible diseases. All we can do is give them Love, Comfort and Don't GIve up Hope. Take Care.........

This is a good time to show up with pictures so she knows you are indeed a part of the family...her daughter in fact. You can say Yes, Mom...do you see here, me and you when we went to...(Name Place) she should catch on and perhaps will recognize you next time..keep the pics handy to refresh her memory.

My Mom knows who I am sometimes. Sometimes she tells people I am the lady she lives with. I got upset the first couple of times she said it, but now to keep my sanity I just say ok and go about the question and answering session to find out what she does know. I have a brother that is 17 years younger than me and when she talks to him she instantly smiles and giggles. I've learned to brush that off too because if not it would make me resent her and it's not her fault. As a child, my mom told me you have to pick and choose your battles. This is a battle you have to let go. Love your Mom while she is still here. Hopefully, this will help! Keep Strong!

Thank you Lymie, DeeAnna and Lealonnie,

your insights are helpful but no more that your desire to help me. And I could say that to those of the previous answers. It is so comforting to know you’re there willing to help and comfort.

Now mom recognized me as usual. That is the worse or a blessing that her decline is inup and down and completely unpredictable. So I began to get used to an attitude and she came back from it and later fell again...

Yes, I enter in her delusion, but I find it difficult when she talks about me ... to me! :-)

Yes, it is depressing and I’m in depression because too many sad things or difficult ones happened in the same time for a very long time ( counting in years), so all of my strenghts have been completely depleted and I’m fighting to regain some of them to taste the good taste of life again.

So thank you all for your helpful heart: much appreciated!

Look for the humor in situations. This may seem an odd thing to suggest, but it will help you cope. You can either get depressed or laugh at the odd things that will happen.

When she does not know who you are, she may still know that you are someone important to her who loves her.  Just tell her you are family, or that you are her daughter/son, and that means you love her very much.  My mother says that she knows me, but can't remember who I am. So I tell her I am one of her daughters, and I love her very much.

Arguing with your mother would only cause her confusion and pain, so always just try to go with whatever her reality is at the time, and remind her how much you love her.

This is heart wrenching, but not the worst. My 91-yr-old mother's dementia progressed rapidly. Within a few months she went from being mildly confused to not knowing who any of us are. At times I'm her husband, her brother, her father or a complete stranger. Same thing with my sister who lives with her 24/7. She doesn't recognize any of the many photos we have on her mantelpiece. With most of the past 50 years of memory suddenly vanished, she only remembers her parents and sisters, all of whom died decades ago. She of course doesn't accept that and wants to go "home" to them, pleading with us 20 times a day to take her there. (That old farmhouse doesn't exist anymore and is 500 miles away from the house she has lived in these past 40 years but doesn't recognize.) Complicating matters further, my mother has narcissistic Bi-polar personality disorder, so she becomes angry and violent when we won't bring her "home" in the middle of the night.

Hi Michou. It's hard. My dad is 89 and started getting confused with who I am and other family too a few months ago. He talks to me and I am confused and I'll say "who do you think I am?" "Why, you're May Dell" (his sister) and so I go along with it. He calls me on the phone and leaves a message "are you my daughter or my sister?". I am the only surviving member of our family other than dad so it's very depressing. But I try to go with the flow and not make him upset. He usually asks where his family is (momma, papa and 6 brothers and sisters. And his wife and 2 sons (all passed). He thinks his wife (my mom) left him because he doesn't remember she died. He always says "Where was I when (whoever) died? How come I didn't know about it? Was there a funeral? I wasn't there?" It's so hard because I miss my mom and brothers so much. But going with what they remember is best for them. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's called a "Theraputic Fib" to let them think what they remember is true. My dad also at times doesn't remember his home is HIS home. He thinks it is his parents home. I wonder how long this will go on. He lives in his home of 36 years with my daughter, SIL, and 3 grandkids. They do pretty well together but daughter has a hard time with the repetitive questions daily. God bless you for being there for your mom, even if she isn't there for you.

My husband thinks I'm different people on a regular basis. In half an hour I can be his wife. His fiance,his sister. He didn't have one, and most of the time his mother
To just go with the flow is easiest. Gets hard when I respond as different person from who he thought he was addressing. God bless

It is amazing how the mind works/doesn't work.... sometimes there is a flicker and they are closer to "here" than other times. Early on, before I really understood what was happening, mom identified my daughter as her cousin. I corrected her and she basically clammed up. Hindsight after realizing we were heading down the dementia path clued me in about that! Limited or no correcting, go with the flow.

Everyone's progression will be different, but many experience similar paths. For the first 9 months in MC, mom harped on younger brother to bring her back to her condo. Once when I showed up to visit, she says Oh funny you showed up, I'm going to ask him to bring me home when he comes tonight.... I gave him a head's up, but he wasn't even going to visit that day! Even odder is that somewhere in that tangling mess she knew better (and still does) than to ask ME to bring her home!

I am the one (of 3) who visits the most, so for the most part she still knows me and knows of the brothers. Her perception of them (and my daughter) fluctuates. She enjoys pictures of my son's little boy, but never remembers who's kid he is. When I brought Xmas cards to sign, she didn't know who younger brother's daughters were. When I said those are his girls, she interpreted that as girlfriends, I think. I asked their mother to send recent pics (they are not together), it did bring a little back. Out of sight, out of mind. He is 10 yrs younger so his kids are much younger than mine, but lived close enough that she doted on them for many years! One brother isn't local and based on his last "visit" he won't be back. The other maybe visits once in a while. Pictures can be helpful, but memories will slip away over time. I do try to mention other family members and show pictures (she was still remembering my older brother's daughter.) Eventually I expect her to forget us, but for now we're still there a bit. She has regressed to thinking her parents are alive and often asks us to call her or asks me to take her there or if I see her at all. Last time I just said she went to FL for the winter. She thought about that for a minute or so. I was expecting perhaps anger that they didn't ask her to go, but fortunately she processed it and said well, yes, they used to do that. Phew! Reserving visiting the Canadian relatives for summertime! She does still remember them and our visits there and they visited on their way home last year.

When I showed her a pic my daughter had staff take of us all during a recent visit, she asked who those "girls" were (me and daughter.) Another time when she looked at the pic, she asked if that was Nana in the middle, meaning HER mother, so she didn't even recognize herself! Self perception is definitely an issue for mom, as when I bring new (bigger) clothes, she doesn't look at the item, just the size tag and states that this is a large, too big as she wears medium!!! Not anymore mom, too many ice cream bars for dessert!!! The last ones I cut the tags out and just put them in the closet.

So, basically you have to 'go with the flow.' While it may hurt that she doesn't always recognize you for who you really are, you know it isn't because she wants to forget you. It can also be distressing if she relates negative things about you thinking you are someone else, but again, she can't control that. I only had one instance of that, early on over the phone (regarding taking her car away) where she thought I was my SIL. Hang on to the good times (past or present) and let the rest slide. It is such a sad thing, but mom is the last family member of her generation and got over 90 years before this started. I feel so bad for those who start down this path much younger (there are at least 2 in mom's MC who are only early 60s.) It is like stealing 20-30 years of life away. My sympathies to them and their family for this loss.

It is hard to not have acknowledgement from your parent about You, hear your name called, etc. You want them to remember, but this is about Them, not You. Our dementia-affected parents can't help it that they can't always process our name and exactly what role we've played in their life. But WE can adapt as to how we react to the inaccuracies.

First, I never, ever point it out because it will only frustrate Mom more. I never say "You know who I am, Mom"or "You should know who I am!", and I don't correct her and say "That's not my name, I'm ____."

I also don't ask her to identify me...that initiates frustration in her because she can't recall, and it makes me feel badly because I want so desperately for her to call my name again!

My father and I have decided to be "whoever Mom sees us as" for the visit that day. If she talks to me as if I'm a friend or calls me another name, I don't correct her. I simply, as others have written, "go with the flow". Sometimes she ask's Dad if he has seen her husband, and Dad just says "yes, I will let him know you asked about him".

By doing this, both Dad and I occasionally get a priceless moment during a visit when we hear her call us by our names or say "You are my daughter/ husband".

I actually treasure the times that my mom didn't recognize me but liked me very much and was glad that she met me. :) I think that's more important than knowing who I am.

Just talk with her. Don't try to convience her it's you. Ask her to tell you about her. Times will bgg e different. Just enjoy her. No worries.

When I visit my mom, I just introduce myself every time as I enter the room. I say "Hi Mom. Its your daughter Shirley jo." I think she appreciates not having the stress or frustration of trying to figure out who I am or what my relationship is to her.

Not trying to make fun of your situation at all, but I suggest the possibility of you thinking about wearing a name badge. My mom wears a name badge cause she wants people to remember she was once an administrator. That way your mom can at least address you but what you are her daughter. Instead of not knowing which would complicate the issue. Maybe after 20 or 30 times. It may not longer be necessary these are weak brains not inoperative ones. You'd be surprised these brains even weaken can learn.

Michou, at least you seem to be close enough to see your mom more often. That's great. I know it doesn't feel good when she doesn't know you, but as others on the forum have said, at least she knows you are someone she is safe with and who loves her. I do know how you're feeling, though.

I live out of state and have only visited my parents 3 times in the last year and maybe a day or two years apart before that. We normally stay in touch by phone. We don't have a bad relationship, we've just never been that close and I only now realize how time slipped by and how much I regret that.

I visited them for two weeks in January, and except for a terrible minute or two, my 86-year-old mother never recognized me. The terrible part came about the second day of the visit when I realized she didn't know who I am, and I mistakenly tried to make her realize who I am. Unfortunately, I succeeded and then I saw the horrified look on my mother's face and the tears in her eyes when she did recognize me but knew she'd forgotten her only daughter. I immediately hugged her and said it was okay and within another couple of minutes, I had become mom's niece or her sister or her cousin again. I don't want to repeat seeing that pain in her face. My brother tried a couple of times to make her remember me and fortunately it didn't work. She just laughed at him, and I think it was a protective reaction from inside her brain somewhere. I'm okay with that. And I told my brother not to try anymore, please.

Mom has never been diagnosed with any kind of dementia - that we know of. She puts on a great show for medical people, but she did have a minor stroke last October and my brother says she's lost a lot of ground since then. In addition, she can't see very well now. My father takes her to doctor appointments, but he may or may not be wearing his hearing aids and he probably doesn't understand the doctor when he can hear him.

My brother and I are sure she has some type of dementia. She's fairly sharp from about 11:00 am to 3:00 pm. She goes downhill fast after that. We have to put eating utensils into her hand the way she needs to hold it. If we don't, she turns it around and around trying to figure out what to do with it. She wanders through the house looking for the bathroom, or she starts to go outside thinking that's the bathroom. And the list goes on. (We're not worried yet about the wandering part - she has terrible balance problems and we're worrying mostly about falls.)

So this situation has hit us very fast, probably noticeably surfacing only in the last year. Finally, I'm getting to a question I have. She doesn't recognize me and I can handle that, but what do I say when she asks questions like "How are your mom and dad doing?" She asked me this type of question a few times, and I did say quickly "Well, that would be you and dad, so I guess you're okay" and moved as quickly as I could to something as lame as "I'm getting some juice, would you like some juice?" Does anyone out there have a better response than my lame one?

My father did not recognize me as his dementia progressed. When I would show up to visit, he would look at me and say, "Who are you?"

I would say, "I'm your daughter." He would usually respond with, "It that good?" And I would say, "Well, I think it is." That would be the end of the conversation. It became a ritual on my visits.

I always believed in telling the truth to my father with dementia, right until the end.

Say - "I am your one and only daughter, Michou." As many times as you have to. Your mother is a sweet lady with a broken mind.