Mom (90) does not want to use cane. Any advice?

My Mom was resistant to using a cane, too.... heaven forbid if someone saw her using a cane, they might think she was old [she's 97]. No matter how old a person gets, they are still self-conscience about how they are portrayed to others. Usually it takes a person getting hurt in a fall to convince them to use either a cane or rolling walker.

By the way, a cane is terrible on ice.... she being 90 and needing something to help her walk, it is better she stay indoors until the weather get better. If she needs to get out and about, have someone meet her at her home to help her on the snowy icy walkways.

UGH I hear you. Mom landed in the ER 7 times in 2014 for falls. I finally confiscated her cane and left her with only the walker her MD said she was supposed to use. She was angry, but you can't give in on safety issues.

Parkinsons, numerous strokes and dementia over the years. When I moved to care for her I got her a wheeled walker but she refused to use it in the house, just hung onto the walls and furniture. Constantly finding her on the floor I eventually could hardly leave the house ... apart from cooking, cleaning, fending off her abuse and calling the ambulance my life was over.

My mother is 100. Last year we finally got her to use a cane only because she absolutely refuses to use a walker. She has fallen a few times. She lives in AL and they want her to use a walker, but she won't. She tries to go up and down the stairs with the cane. It scares us half to death. She doesn't even use the cane the right way. But she is stubborn, she won't listen to anyone, ever. So, eventually she will fall and end her life bedridden with a broken hip and there is nothing we can do.

My Mom will not use any of the canes we have for her. I am still trying to figure out how to get her to use it. The more I suggest it, but more she resists. I tried using a cane myself so she would not feel so out of place but it started to mess up my leg muscles! Sympathy and stories are great but any Advice?

My dad fell and the doctor in the emergency room sent us home with a quad cane. My dad did not want to look at it, no less use it. He gave me a dirty look every time I asked him where was his cane and why wasn't he using it. Then I got the idea to give the cane the name Gus. I would say to my dad, "where's your friend Gus?" and "you need your friend" and somehow my dad started to use the cane. It probably took about 2 weeks of encouragement on my part and now over 2 years later he still uses the same cane.

Ask her doctor to order a PT evaluation to assess if she should be using a cane.

You can get spiked tips to put on canes to use on ice. I don't mind using my cane it gives me something to trip up other old ladies when they try to push in line at the grocery store.

Try one of the pretty canes that have hummingbirds or flowers all over them. Make sure it is adjusted correctly to her height.

We started with a standard cane. She hated it, but we reminded her every single time she got up. It was always falling over or she couldn't rememeber where she left it. So we bought her a cane with the legs so it would stand on its own. Once she started tripping on it and using it wrong, it became dangerous. We hid the cane and introduced her to a walker with wheels. We just tell her she has to use it. She has fallen, luckily on carpet, so we just remind her that she has fallen and she has to use it because we dont want her in the hospital. It is just a constant reminder.

A lot of great tips above! As an OT I see this all the time. That is one reason I started my store, Ease Living, to provide beautiful products that promote dignity, independence and safety.
My grandmother died in her mid 90s and refused to wear GLASSES because she thought it made her look old! I've had glasses since I was 6!!

My 91 y.o. MIL wouldn't use a cane initially either (she has since progressed to a 2W walker) so I found an attractive umbrella (standard sized) with the traditional curved handle and put a cane tip on the pointed tip. It worked for a long while and she didn't feel it was a conspicuous as a cane. She, too, didn't want to appear to be "old".

This does seem to be an all too common issue with many of us/them. My mom cant walk much even with her walker...and ive tried and tried to get her to use a wheelchair so we could browse at stores she used to love to go to, gardening stores, etc. She will NOT use a wheelchair so now she cant go anywhere. Its sad because i feel like she would enjoy life a lot more. But....we do what we can to help but sometimes when we cant, we did our best and have to let it go..

So you think a cane will prevent her falling on ice? Even the best of us without any health issues will slip on ice. Keep away from ice wait until it melts, or move to sunny AZ where in the desert we have no ice. At 90 yrs. she should be able to do whatever she wants to do!

My post has no advice on how to get your Mom to use her cane. It's simply my own experience with this dilemma. Everyone has different circumstances so if there is nothing in my story you can relate to please just ignore it.

My MIL refused to use her cane, her walker or her oxygen most of the time. She had emphysema and advanced osteoporosis but did not have dementia. She had a parade of people caring for her and checking on her daily...family, home care and aides. For three years everyone went crazy trying to get MIL to do these things and for three years they were not able to. It was not unusual to come in on her with the oxygen tube hanging around her neck but not under her nose, she said it irritated her and looked ugly. I can't tell you how many times she was caught without her walker or cane. She said she could move around faster without it. Doctors, nurses and family pleaded with her, it did not help.

My MIL was a lovely person, sweet and caring but she was also stubborn and vain about her appearance. You could have given her a jewel encrusted cane, she wasn't going to have anything to do with it.

My husband and I lived 400 miles away so we were not with her most of the time, we visited as often as we could and the family kept us informed, most of them lived close to her, one of her sons actually rented from her (she owned a duplex).

At one point it became clear to my husband and me that all the nagging and hand wringing in the world was not going to make MIL do the things we were asking. Sometimes we were able to cajole her into complying while we were with her but we were powerless when she was alone.

My husband and I began to realize that virtually all of our interaction with his Mom was about trying to control her behavior. She was resentful and we were frustrated. The next time we went to visit we decided to stay focused on being together instead of trying to fix her behavior. I made her favorite meals and we took her to have her hair cut and colored. We ran errands, cleaned up and my husband did a couple little house repairs. Ok so we did give in few times and ask her to put her oxygen in or use her walker but if she ignored us we let it go. It was a beautiful visit and my MIL was glowing when we left. From then on that's how we handled our visits with her.Two of the other siblings took the same approach and tried to let go of trying to control her and focus on enjoying her. The other two remained committed to the task of trying to convince her. Everyone was doing what they thought best, we all loved this woman.

A few months later MIL was having trouble sleeping so she decided to get up and clean her closet. She reached up to take a box down and fell backwards and fractured her spine. She died on the operating table two days later. When she fell she had no walker near her and her oxygen tube was on the other side of the room.

Everyone was devastated but thank goodness we all understood that given the circumstances it could not have been prevented. My husband misses his Mom but he is grateful that his last visits with her were happy and loving not fraught with frustration .
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Wish I could advise you on something you haven't tried! Mom is 89 suffering from mantle cell lymphoma diagnosed over 3 years ago! She stays alone except for nights. When she comes to my house for a few days I stay on her constantly to use her Walker but the minute I take her home she says she doesn't need either her cane or Walker! She's under hospice and they tell her constantly as she's taken several nasty falls! I've decided she's happy in her home so if she gets injured fatally at least she's happy! I'm almost 72 and do well to see after myself and husband! When I suggest assisted living she won't hear of it! I know there's a time we must become the parent and I've accepted that role but you can't spank them like a child! They're so stubborn it isn't funny!
You may just have to pray as I do that she'll not suffer and live as happy as possible!

sherylbeth, I had a similar experience - My mom needed a wheelchair for most restaurants and all shopping. After a couple years of not going places, I talked to her about how it was a shame we couldn't do these fun, normal things because she wouldn't use a chair. She said she didn't want me to be embarrassed. My response was I didn't give a rats a** what people thought about it - it was about getting out. I think it put the bug in her head that there were fun things (movies, shopping etc.) out there and that lured her into letting go of her pride. My FIL uses a cane (arthritis in hip) sometimes, which scares my husband. My husband finally told him that when they go somewhere together, he's sure appreciate if Dad used a walker because it really stresses him out. It worked. But sometimes they just refuse, and you have to hand it up to the Big Guy.

Its a real problem getting some seniors to use the cane or walker. Mom started out with a quad cane, hated it and tripped over it. Like islander5, we got rid of it and got a regular one which she loses, forgets or it falls over. We were lucky to get her to use even that. For someone reluctant to use one, that a good idea to get one that is pretty with butterflies or something. Mom needs a walker, but every time the AL leaves one in her room and urges her to use it , she puts it out in the hallway!

get all thes reluctant elders to watch a few episodes of downton Abbey and point out how the very gracious Dowager Dutchess uses her cane.

Veronica91 - love your answer but some won't even watch TV! Reading everyone's problems helps when I get stressed out! Only those of us going through this or have gone through it could appreciate this site! When you tell someone else about their antics they actually laugh then apologize for laughing! They say it reminds them of children which is how their minds think! Lol - maybe we should just laugh with them but sure isn't easy!

My mom is 97 and won't use a cane (because it makes her look old) but she WILL use a hiking pole. I guess she just wants to look "cool". We've had many arguments over cane use so I just let her use the pole.

Your mother is beyond the need for a cane. At 97, she needs a regular walker or a Rollator.

JoanMc, that's a great idea about a walking pole, and those come in a variety of styles. I have one for hiking but they are not good for slippery surfaces which I found out the hard way while trying to cross a small stream and the walking pole tip found moss under the water... oops, down I went.

My mother refused to use a regular wheel chair when going out, so we got her a traveling one. It weighs only about 15 lbs. and is slim looking, and for some reason she's willing to use it, possible because it doesn't look so clunky.

After my mom had heart fibrillation back in 2008 when she was nearly 89 years old, her doctor gave her a can for balance. Mom absolutely refused to use it until she sustained a back fracture from a fall at our condo in early 2012 when she was 92 years old. Mom finally did use her cane but with my assistance during her recovery. During rehab sessions, Mom bought a recommended rollator to help her walk and straighten up her back; she had moderate osteoporosis and keyphosis of the spine. Unfortunately, Mom still insisted on her independence and often either forgot to use or refused to use her walker. Several more falls at home happened until April 2013 when Mom, then age 93, had to enter a NH rehab from April to May 2013 for a pelvic fracture. She never returned back to our home. Mom lived in assisted living places from June 2013 until her death at age 95 in November 2014. She did use her walker but sometimes still forgot to, and at least two more falls happened. I think Mom's mini strokes plus mental decline affected her memory. She could not tell the difference between walking with or without assistance for her safety anymore.

For us it's a no brainer. For this other and older generation is another matter. They are so proud whether it be cane, walker or hearing aids. Thankfully my dad uses his walker well. He didn't a few years ago but he does now because he doesn't want to end up like my mom or in a nursing home. He's 92 1/2 and living on his own so far. He wants to keep it like that. I have reminded him until it's overkill. So far so good. Just keep telling her if she wants to remain "independent" she needs to use her cane. Good luck and God Bless

A physical therapist not only can evaluate the need for a cane but will also teach the elder how to use the cane properly and with a physicians order, insurance (including Medicare) will most likely cover. They did with my mom, although she doesn't use the cane yet and probably won't for a few more years. Probably not until, as someone else mentioned, she falls and really hurts herself. She's only 86, so compared to many others I'm reading about here, she really is a youngster. :)

Actually canes are only good for a weak side. My Mom has nueropathy in both ankles. Cane doesn't help. She uses a walker.

We went straight for the walker after abdominal surgery when Mthr was suggestive (in memory care, too). After a year, she forgot she had a walker. Recently she started carrying a purse again, so I bought a walker bag, painted it with her name on both sides, and attached it to her walker with a tag gun in addition to the velcro. I took home the purse. Now that her treasures are in the walker bag, she feels a need to take the walker everywhere.

My dad is the same way, I think a cane can help him especially when he is getting up from a chair and the first few steps because he becomes stiff. My grandmother was the same way, once she used a device to assist her with walking she never went out in public. It's very difficult to convince someone they need assistance, try speaking with her doctor, sometimes if a non relative speak to the person it is easier for them. Don't know if it'll help. Good luck