GM - Mom will need a new pacemaker battery in 2 yrs. She will be 95 yrs old at that time. I am her only caretaker for over 7 yrs now and it has not been a pleasant time for me. She is demanding and ungrateful and “lowers the boom” on me whenever she doesn’t get her way. I have tried to set up boundaries and even to try to get her volunteer help to take her out and visit with her. They never last.
The fact that she will be eligible for a new battery for her PM in 2 yrs gives me so much anxiety now! I couldn’t take her having more life in her than she has now. Sorry to sound so harsh! But it has been pure hell on and off these 7 yrs.
Does anyone have experience with this PM batteries for a 95 yr old person? She had AFib and CHF. It’s not as if she is at the hospice stage for anything. Maybe palliative care at the most. Her cardio took her off all unnessary medications for her heart like tikosyn and digoxin. She is still on Lasix, metoprolol and Eliquis. The pacemaker is for syncope.
I know things could change in 2 yrs, but she is very strong willed and she will want a new battery when the time comes. She does not have dementia.
As far as your worry over her PM battery...that’s 2 years out. Worry is counterproductive because you have no idea what could happen in 2 years. Don’t let the anxiety of that projection steal your joy.
What can you do to bring joy into your life? Start planning that out and let mom know what it’s like not to have you in her life constantly. You don’t owe her your retirement. In other words ask yourself "what is enough?" What would she do if you keeled over tomorrow? She’d carry on somehow. Take care of you for your own family and self preservation. Take back your powerthat you’ve let her have.
Does Mum live at home with you? When is the last time you had respite? What help is available to you in the community? Do you have any personal support, family, friends, therapist, religious leader? Have you spoken to your doctor about being burnt out an needing help?
Setting boundaries is important, but it is not easy and hard today with out some sort of back up. Even if the back up is the therapeutic fib. But more importantly the support of a counselor or therapist to help you stick to you guns. There will be backlash and it may feel easier to 'give in', but in the long run it is so worth standing your ground.
If she had to go to a NH, it would be on Medicaid. She lives on my father’s SS. The NH’s around here for Medicaid are terrible. I would have to take her kicking and screaming. She avoids hospital visits when she is in afib because she’s afraid they will send her to a NH like she did with my dad when he kept falling. Unrealistic thinking, but she is very phobic about NHs.
She doesnt have any cognitive disability, so a psychiatrist would probably deem her fine mentally.
I am currently taking some time to myself as we just had a blow up and she accused me of being nasty with her for no reason. This is not true. Actually, I was explaining a new way of handling her grocery shopping so she wouldn’t have me running every other day and she didn’t like the switch-up. I am so tired of having to deal with childish behavior and her telling my daughter that I am mean. My daughter reminds her that because of me, she is able to stay in her home and be independent. Then she looks startled as if she never thought about that before.
We always had a difficult relationship, but she had no one after my dad died. So here she is for 7 yrs now and life has never been the same. She is not that fragile and she has more energy than I do at times. My daughter lives close by and helps when she can, but she is a single parent and works a lot. In fact we have my grandson a few times a week - which we love.
A recent visit with the cardiologist determined a new PM in 2 yrs. I almost had a heart attack myself to think I would still be dealing with this - and maybe worse in 2 yrs if she has a battery replacement. I know she is losing some of her life as she knew it, but I’ve tried taking her to the senior groups around here and she doesn’t like them. She does spend a lot of time on her own. If I had 20/20 hindsight, I would never have agreed to this.
If your mother is of sound mind (and it sounds like she is) you have every right (and obligation to yourself) to say "sorry mom, if you won't take meds, I can no longer care for you".
And mean it. Can you do that?
I wasn't suggesting a Geri Psych for cognition, though. I was suggesting a Geri Psych for meds for anxiety and depression.
The fact that she doesn't "get" that she can only stay in her home because of your help is prima facie evidence that her thinking skills have declined.
I would simply state that you're no longer going to participate in her care if she doesn't agree to see a geriatric psychiatrist and get treatment for what ails her. You leave it up to her to figure out how she's going to get cared for.
She's strong willed and competent; she doesn't need you.
Your story reminds me of a woman I know. Her husband was her whole world. When he died she was able to live alone. Her son thought it would be a good idea to move in with him, his wife and children.
This woman was excited to go thinking she wouldn’t be lonely but said to me that she most likely would be asked to leave after awhile.
When I asked her why she said that she told me that she would interfere in the raising of their children, how they spent money, just everything in their lives. Guess what? Her daughter in law hated her and told her son that his mother had to go!
She knew fully well that she was a busybody. She thinks it’s caring in her distorted way. Her daughter in law is overweight and she constantly told her that she was fat! She thought her criticism would help her to lose weight. She told her that she was a lousy housekeeper and cook. She criticized how she worked in her garden and so her daughter in law told her she would let her have her own garden to tend to, which she did but she still told her daughter in law what flowers to plant. It got crazy! She wanted the walls repainted in her favorite colors. On and on it went. She interfered terribly with their children by undermining the parents.
So now she lives in the upstairs condo above her daughter. Her daughter does everything for her and all she does is complain! Sounds like you are in the same situation. Hope you get relief soon.
CW is correct, the PM won't prolong her life. Palliative care sounds like it's worth looking into.
See All Answers