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Hi there, Since I’ve become my mom’s care provider about 4 years ago, I’ve noticed how bad my memory has become. It started about 2 years ago, or so. Anyway, those close to me don’t think it’s a big deal; including my doctor. So where do I go now? Does anyone know what specific words I can use the next time I see the doc? Family & friends tell me it’s normal for this to happen after retirement because a person isn’t required to “be on the ball” like they were when they were working. I retired when I was 56, now I’m 62 and it’s frightening how bad my memory is! Any advice? I’d appreciate it. Thanks!

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Time for a second opinion from a new doctor!
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Is caring for mom stressful? That alone could cause you to have your own issues with memory loss. Maybe it is time to consider mom living in a care facility. I cared for my mom for four years and when that was no longer the case it took about a year until I felt my brain was firing properly again. Maybe it should be called caregiver recovery. It has been three years now since mom was moved to a facility, one year since she passed and I still feel in some ways I am still recovering.
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When my dad lived with me and after he went into a nursing home I was alarmed at how poor my memory became. I forgot to sign him up for Medicaid! I had totally forgotten until the social worker at the NH asked me how my dad's Medicaid application was coming along. Talk about panic! I got it done but the point is that I was taking care of almost everything for myself, my dad, and my then-teenage daughter and it was more than my brain could handle.
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Add me to the list of people whose memory has been challenged by caregiving.

Silky, I don't agree with those who are telling you that it's normal to lose memory capacity after retirement. In fact, given that we don't have to focus on how to get along with lazy people, "not my job" people, grouchy or not very well trained bosses, I think we're freer to develop our mental capacity.

Still, caregiving does challenge memory, or at least short term memory, in my experience. This week I just couldn't remember which day it was, but I can still picture surveys of projects on which I worked back in the 90's.

With caregiving, I think more short term vs. long term focus is required, and on more "fight or flight" episodes. Although long term planning is still a factor, the short term catastrophes or emergencies become more prevalent, more life threatening and more important.

I don't what specific solutions would be recommended. For me though, it's reading. It refocuses my mind, and in exciting adventure novels there's usually much more drama and immediate need for action, so my mind is shifted from a medical emergency to wondering how the author created an escape for the characters.

If you can create some semblance of home work, though, I think that would also provide a focus. I tried to scope out my tasks, using a technique I learned on one of my jobs. It requires identifying goals, tasks required to reach those goals, and scheduling them in order of importance as well as precedence. It helps stimulate my memory.
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Hi heysilky,
My name is Patrick, I am new at caring, my mom has vascular dementia and both my mom and dad are in there late seventies. I am a full-time care for both of them since last October. I used to be a 5 star hotel manager but I realized that my parents mean more to me than my career so I quit. I have found that my memory is foggy at times,I have to write out what I need to for the day so I can get things done otherwise it might not get done. Sometimes I can't remember what day it is , did I give them their medicine , have I done all that needs to be done. I am the youngest of 8 kids (47) 6 more live in the town , help as they may I sometimes feel I need support out side the home .
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Abo makes a good point. I too had to write out plans for the day. To add some beauty to the planning, I always used beautiful note pads, or beautiful calendars (check out the Lang calendars). Years ago I bought some inexpensive $1 calendars at Michael's; the spaces are small, but they're good for planning.

Every time I looked at my daily and weekly schedule, my mood was relaxed and the anxiety softened and I felt better. "Softened" isn't a normal way of characterizing anxiety, but that's exactly what I felt - less stress, more relaxed, and just not as tensely wired and tense as I had before gazing on those beautiful motifs on the planners.
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Extreme stress and depression can also affect short term memory. Being a caregiver for a dementia parent is extremely stressful. Have you looked into therapy? Are you getting any respite from your mom?

My parents have been in a memory care since last July and I still don't feel like I have rested from the extreme stress I endured for the last 5 years or so.
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Stress and poor sleep quality effects everyone's memory at every age. You just recover from it faster when you're younger.

Medications also effect memory. Check to see if any of your meds have drowsiness as a side effect. If your sleep is getting interrupted by your LO, the "drowsiness" impact can be magnified.
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hesilky, raising hand, another club member of the missing our memory group :P

Oh my gosh, I use to be so sharp it would even scare me. Now having issues trying to remember things is scaring me even more. It's like there is a timer lock on my memory's file cabinets as sometimes it can take me 5 minutes or 5 hours to recall what I was trying to remember.

This all happened back when I was doing some caregiving for my parents. Even though it mostly was logistical, it was the lack of sleep that I think threw the curve off. The last parent passed just over a year ago, I am still in recovery mode. And I find myself napping a lot :P
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FF, I like it - the Missing Memory Group! Great name for a caregiver's club.

Isn't it wonderful to be able to take a nap, with the phone turned off so you don't have to worry about getting an emergency call?
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GardenArtist, kinda like the Red Hat club, except half of us forget to wear our hats :O
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I too, am a member of the Missing Memory Group, though I attribute it to poor sleep quality. It is actually better than it was when I was working full-time and sharing caregiving shifts with my siblings.
Since I retired, I joined our church choir, and I notice it is difficult when learning new music to read the notes and words at the same time. I used to be able to do this. And this weird thing....last week in church, after the choir had left the choir loft and joined the congregation, a group of men got up to sing. They were really good, and I remember thinking “That’s odd, it’s a quintet, instead of a quartet”, because there were five men up there. Well, during choir practice, the director praised the quartet, and I mentioned to my seatmate that there were five, and she said, “no, there were only four”, and she named them. What? I looked on the church bulletin and saw only four names. Now I’m waiting for the video to be broadcast (it’s a week delayed), to see how many men were singing. I feel like I have dropped into The Twilight Zone!

And yes, stress can make you forgetful. After Katrina and the destruction of my house, my family and I were homeless and living with different family members for about 6 weeks. During that time, I ruined my cellphone (the old Nokia) by forgetting it was in the pocket of my shorts and washing it with a load of laundry, and I locked myself out of my car three times and had to call Pop-a-lock.
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I am so happy ya'll are discussing this. I am a club member, too. It was scaring me at first, but realized with lack of sleep and stress I believe it is normal.
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Count me in, been up since 1:00am.

Calgon, take me away.
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I found Sleep Deprivation to be my #1 problem and it made me have "brain fog" and I was terribly disoriented and found myself staggering around the house.

That's when I realized that a lot of my DH's problems were from Sleep Deprivation as well as age related. When traditional medicines didn't work, I started researching Herbal Remedies and one of my favorites is Ashwagandha - it's not expensive, a 2 month supply is $20 for Himalayan. Now, even though DH wakes me every hour or two to help him void, I find I can return to sleep and I wake up feeling rested.  I tried it for it's calming effect - and it is keeping me a lot calmer.  A lot less stressful cussing.

My #2 problem is nutrition. Just as the elderly don't eat properly, neither do some of us caregivers. This is why so many caregivers pass before the patient they are caring for. If you are having trouble with eating right - consider some supplements for protein and greens (veggies). I use both and just incorporate them into my Oatmeal and I add them to my vegetables - it helps with my own brain fog.

Sometimes we tend to forget to take care of the caregiver too.
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I am not sure if I should add to this, as my situation is a little different BUT being the stubborn old fool I am, I will. :)

I agree with stress and memory related issues.
Some days I am so full of worry that I have no space to think about other things.

To help me remember the day of the week, I have little battery calendars situated in various places, so I am never to far the check.
I have small clocks every where and if they have a day/date on them this is a bonus.

I have small packets of post-it notes, with pens, all over the place and write down ANYTHING I think of. Daily I keep check of these (that is why I have the yellow ones - they stand out) lol

I have a small weekly display diary, which I keep open on the week we are in, by placing a small rubber band each side. Every year, I transfer all the birthdays and important dates to the new small diary. I take it and a pen every where. As I get a doctors, hospital appointment etc. It goes in my little diary. when I get home. it gets put onto the wall calendar, hanging in the kitchen.

I try and do quiz things and games etc (on line) daily to try and help me stay as sharp as I can.

When in pain, or stressed this all goes out the window. hahaha So I HAVE to look at all the things I have in place to help me.

Remember to take care of yourself too, or you will not be able to take care of those you need to.

I know this does not solve your problems but if only one of them proves useful, then all is good.

Accept little victories as miracles, they are. Try and smile a little every day (look at the jokes page here if you struggle) I will punch it up for you so you can bookmark it.

Finally you have our support and love and prayers to help you, any time of the day or night, someone is mooching around here. Hugs
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First, I would locate a neuropsychologist and go through the diagnostic test. Whatever the results, you will be able to proceed with planning, or whatever is indicated. These are non-invasive examinations and very helpful. Second, I have always had to write a to-do list and schedule. I always answer the phone with one hand, grab a pen and paper with the other. There is both, next to every phone in the house. (I do not have -- or want -- a cell phone.) Those who come here are familiar with the same stress you face. We have established our own tricks and techniques for managing. (Most of the time, anyway.) Not all will work for you, but some will make a huge difference. But perhaps the greatest would be getting yourself examined. The least of the benefits will be establishing a time line should such a disease develop for you, the greatest will be that none has begun at this point. Find that assurance. You are heavily burdened, you know that. You are also not superman, you know that, too. Allow yourself some human failings, do the best you can, and do not discount your concerns. By the way, to do what you are doing today requires being much more 'on the ball' than any career you may have had. Your Mom is fortunate to have you giving her the care and protection she needs. Now go find that neuro/psych so you can rest easier!
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I truly understand when you say No one is taking your concerns seriously to include your doctor. I didn't start taking my memory, focus, and concentration issues seriously until my twenties when it really started to affect my job performance.  The last 30 years, I have had CAT scans, psych evals, prescribed depression meds, gone through medical trials all to find out what is going on.  I was told I had a little depression that could be causing symptoms.  My reality is that I was depressed because I knew something was wrong and No one was listening.  I have bought and tried all kinds of vitamins, pills for memory, focus and concentration that seem to work in the beginning but about 2 months in, nothing.  I was my mother's care giver for over 13 years and I lost her recently to cancer; she was my memory help.  During her last couple of months, I had to really get it together because she was not able to help me like I was used to.  It does not get better with time, keep inquiring or looking for a doctor that will listen and will provide you with the medical attention you need.  I have not been to a doctor in years because I was so discouraged and depressed but like I mentioned, it doesn't go away and only gets worse and I still have a daughter to take care of.  Now I know that I have to keep focused on finding the one that will listen.
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It is good that you are noticing a problem and want to fix it/get help. You know yourself better than anyone else, so you should do what your gut is telling you. Find another doctor who specializes in memory/brain care and go and see them. I recently heard Dr. Amen on tv talking about brain health. He has an awesome book "MEMORY RESCUE" and a website amenclinics.com that you should check out. One of the risks that he mentions is retirement -- he says once you stop learning, your brain starts deteriorating. BUT this can be stopped and in many cases some damage can be reversed. You should read the book and maybe even call the office - they have offices around the country. There are brain exercises that you can do and foods that you can eat/avoid to help with your brain health. I have done a lot of research because my dad is 76 and has dementia so I have been researching to determine how to prevent this from happening to me and my kids. Good Luck. Keep looking until you find a doctor who will listen and help you. And the book has a LOT of info in it.
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heysilky - From my own experience, I would say that your bad memory is due to stress but for you to reach out and ask for advice means you are very concerned/scared. Be persistent with your doctor and go for second opinion. Others mean well, but  if they haven't experienced what you are going through (care-giving or your own health issues), they can't truly understand. Therapy works well for me. Make time for yourself to recharge. Like GardenArtist, I too turn off the phone and nap. Mom is in AL and I still live with the "cloud" over me that every time the phone rings, it's an emergency. Please take care of yourself first.
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One Last Straw is right. It is time for a new doctor. WE best know when we have slipped into what you are going through. Get help to find a new doctor that deals with memory problems and they can give you a test I think, that will give them an idea where you are headed or not.
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Yup - club member here! It's really bad when you previously had a good vocabulary, no problem talking (just ask my friends - at least the ones I have left?!) But after almost 3 years of helping Mom, with no help from siblings or kids because I have neither - I find myself stopping mid-sentence because the perfect word just went "poof" and I can't find a decent synonym quickly enough to prevent that awkward pause for the brain fart! Sometimes I head for the other end of the house, and can't remember why I made the effort? Blessings on my iPhone's "notes" function! When I remember, I can list all the things I'm afraid of forgetting, and there is a real satisfaction to deleting them when accomplished! Do I want to get my head "checked out" - to find maybe this isn't a temporary issue - Hxxx no! What will be will be - and I have no tolerance for more stress while I can still have hope for better things in the future... (Today I had to go through my contacts list because I couldn't remember my best friend's last name... sounds normal to me!)
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heysilky,

I too approached my Dr while in the depths of my caregiving duties. I know part of my concern was my forgetfulness. My other concern was am I already developing Dementia?!?

My family Dr would not even consider testing me or referring me to someone for testing. He told me I had better get my stress level under control before the top of my head blew off. That my memory at that point was the least of my problems. He had been our family Dr for 30 years so that statement was coming from a Dr as well as a friend.

It’s been 2.5 years since Mom passed. My memory is much, much better, until some heavy duty stress hits...
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I’m not sure I can add anything else . I agree with and feel so much better after reading these posts! I’M NOT ALONE THANK GOD!!! :))) Maybe this one thing..... I’m the lone caregiver to everyone. Tag I’m it. My sister passed a few years ago but she wasn’t much help. She had her own medical issues which I dealt with also. My in laws until their passing , my mom until her passing from dementia, and now my dad who will be 96 in Aug. and declining. I used to be able to tell you every medical term , what it meant, what dr was the best for what etc. people would come to ME and ask questions about THEIR health or their parents!! At one time I even thought about (and had the energy) to write a book about dementia/alz, doctors, insurance, facilities, and even going to the grocery store 42 times a week. I believe and this is just me, that after the last 12 years, especially the the last 8, that I’m worn out and just don’t care anymore hence the not remembering. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad dearly but I’m just not the same person. Caregiving changes you.....for life. It hits your body like a sledge hammer and takes you down. The drs appts, the phone calls, worry over the right decisions, the phone calls, the driving 35 to 40 minutes (That’s if the traffic is good), what few times you get a break you are constantly wondering if everything is ok and did I mention the phone calls???!!!! Anyway, I’ve often wondered if I need to be tested or get medication to help with my memory. Heysilky, if you really do think something is going on then I totally agree that you need to see another dr. A specialist in geriatric aging or neurologist. But my guess is it’s from all the stress from trying to juggle all those balls. I’m waiting for the day.....my year of recovery. By the way I’m 66 and up until about 4 years ago was a perfectionist. Not anymore. Still want a clean house but not a fanatic like I was. Kinda don’t care about that either. Good luck and may God Bless you with a clear mind!
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My brother-in-law for years also complained of memory loss 20 years ago. His wife and I always told him that, that was normal since everyone goes through the same thing at one time in their life. Well, up to the present, his memory is still the same. No dementia, ALZ or any other mental disorder. I forget birthdays, where I left my keys, what did I plan to do 5 minuets ago? It's frustrating, I know, but if your doctor and the people around you are not worried, I believe you should accept what they say. Believe me, when they notice something is not right with your memory, they will be the first to tell you.
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Update on quartet or quintet. There WERE five men singing! One joined to help sing the bass part, but too late to include his name in the bulletin. Now, why did the director and other choir member insist there were four? Hmmmm.
Which reminds me of another story. Years ago, (maybe 1997) I met a 105 year old woman who lived in her own apartment independently in a retirement community. I was introduced to her by my then 72 year old friend. As an aside, it was remarkable how my friend who was decades older than I, deferred to the older lady and seemed to become like a young woman in her presence. To continue, the older lady’s daughter of 86 had a doctor’s appointment and brought her mother with her but left her in the waiting room during her visit. After the consultation the doctor started telling her about the medication he was going to prescribe and other instructions, when the daughter said, “Wait! I won’t remember all this. Let me get my mother in the waiting room to help me”. The doctor and nurse were so surprised that they followed her to the waiting room to see her mother!
I can’t remember her name now, but she walked the equivalent of 2 miles around her retirement complex every day, and the day I met her told us wonderful stories of growing up in Chunky, Mississippi. Imagine the changes she saw!
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Good morning heysilky and everyone! This is my first post on this topic and I am definitely a member of the missing memory club though my memory has improved. Part of mine is the 12 strokes (2 major and 10 minor) and stress. My doctor says most of mine now is stress though I will always have some from the strokes. I have been a caregiver to my honey (we are not married, not even common law) for the last 13 years. Before November, he was able to navigate (and I was able to work) even though he had had two strokes, severe heart problems and diabetes. In Nov he nearly died with v-tach (rapid heart rate) and had to have his defibulator replaced with a defibulator/pacemaker. Now he is unable to take care of himself because he has been so weak, he has not been able to be as active as he should be.

Sorry... back to the memory (smile). One thing that has helped me is that I use a Franklin (Franklin Covey) and have for many years. It is an organizer that I carry with me at all times. (I like it better than DayTimer.) Without it I could not keep up with important issues, appointments and anything that I need or want to remember. I have learned to have a specific spot for my car and house keys (keep them on separate ring) and with working to start my own business this organization has helped a great deal. This has helped alleviate a lot of stress for me. I will still forget things but I have don’t sweat the small stuff. My suggestion is to get checked out by your doctor to rule out any physical ailments and then from there work toward getting things organized for you, though I know you have your hands full as a caregiver. If it means using an organizer, using a small notebook or sticky notes trust me it helps. Find a hobby that you enjoy (even if taking a bubble bath, writing, reading etc) and make time for YOU so that you can have even a few minutes to relax and unwind. You time is important. I have learned that in the last 13 years. My art is my sanity saver and what I love to do. This is how I unwind.

Sorry if I sound like I am preaching or up on my soap box. I am not an expert by any means but am going on what I have learned over the last 13 years as a caregiver and the last 37 years since I had my first stroke. I hope it helps as it has helped me. In the meantime hang in there everyone! Thank y'all for being there.  It feels so good to know that I am not alone. Have a great day!
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I went to my doctor and asked him to get me to a specialist for testing. He took me seriously, I was sent to a hospital specializing in Alzheimers, as that is what my father has. I was tested, and then given a 12 week course in mindfulness and meditation whereby we use it to stop, state we are doing outloud, then check our goal during the day as to keep us on track. We did a body scan meditation twice a day, only 10 minutes each time, and I started to walk a lot, I mean, 1 to 2 hours of walking per day and it has improved my state of mind, and ability to recall. That being said, I think it is important to check it out and find out that you do not have a deterioration of your cognitive abilities. I use YouTube a lot, and listen to Sleep Binaural Beats at night, and use their binaural beats music and guided meditations, that way I do not get bored and always find that the more I learn to practise on keeping my mind relaxed I can handle more. Please make sure that you are not eating crap and get a lot of greens and vegetables with your meals  nor lacking in movement during the day, these have a huge impact on the brain. 
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pargirl... I am right there with you. I took care of my mom (diabled and in wheel chair) and my Dad (in a nursing home and I was the only one he would allow to take care of him) at the same time until they passed away. And now I have been a caregiver to my honey of 30 years. I too am 66 and know exactly what you are talking about. Your post hit home. Well said. (smile)
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I agree that stress and little sleep can affect memory and support depression. However, these can also cause the body to devour certain nutrients which also affect memory, vitality and behavior.

I would first recommend a thorough blood test to check on vitamins, minerals, hormones, iron, etc.

Once that has been done and nothing is obviously lacking at that foundational level, then I would find a good memory specialist and take a test...you can find a referral to a good one via a well-established memory care facility.

I did this, in that order, when I thought I was also 'coming down' with dementia, while taking care of Mom for 10 years total. After those two steps, I am now relaxed and know that all is well if I include MYSELF in my care giving plan!
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