I'm financial and healthcare POA for my 87 year old mom. I recently executed the POA through her Neurologist (she is in stages of cognitive impairment). My niece, her husband and 2 children have lived with her for the last 5 years. They told my mom that, while pregnant with 1st child, she couldn't sleep because the upstairs neighbors were making too much noise. They told us they would be gone after the birth (plus 90 days of bonding of course). Mom agreed to that. At 90 days, they had no plan. I only pressed them one other time. Still no plan. In hindsight, I should've setup a written rental agreement. But Mom started showing signs of memory loss. I guess them being there was advantageous for both of them. But living a lifestyle they couldn't afford on their own became intoxicating. My niece grew up in that house. The word "entitlement" now comes into play. My sister is and always has been a frequent visitor because those two are her daughter and son-in-law. Fast forward to present. I've endured condescending talk and disrespect. Mom now has difficulty with simple tasks such as dialing the phone. She was always hiding her debit card from them, but couldn't remember where she hid it. They decided to hold on to it... and they knew the pin. I pay all of mom's bills online so I check every month all the activity. They are hiring caregivers without my knowledge. The signatures on those checks don't look like moms' (forgery). My sister is also using the card to put gas in her car and go to spas (not often but still...). They're loving this sweet setup. But their arrogance lead them to send me a letter with what they said were "non-negotiable" requests. Mind you, they're living rent free in exchange for care for mom. They want mom to pay for a caregiver 60 hours a week. They also want to be paid California wages, including overtime, holidays, etc.(?) They also wanted me to make moms' finances transparent to them. I responded with a different plan as we can't do that financially. And moms' finances are none of their business. But there was a way to give her all the care she deserves. I would have to liquidate the property and move her to a nice assisted living community. This is where the sh#$t hit the fan. The ones who stand to lose the most are always the loudest in the room. I started the process of the sale. They went silent. I had an investor ready to go to escrow. I've been keeping everyone informed as I move forward. But got silence. I informed them I was coming up to meet with the broker and termite inspector. We were refused entrance. I was not allowed to talk to my mom in private. A heated exhange ensued. I felt threatened. I apologized to the inspector and we both left. They got to mom. She kept saying she didn't want to move. I knew that. We been in conversation about this since receiving that letter. But they got to her. My thinking is to put this in the hands of the legal system and let them enforce whatever decisions they make. I filed a report with Adult Protection Services about the recent incident. I'm trying to cancel the escrow. I just can't explain my thoughts and actions to someone who doesn't perceive the world as I do. I won't go up there anymore. I will begin to tighten the finances and make things more difficult to access. I may look into this forgery avenue. But I'm here looking for advice.
weigh in excessively. Small help and very very big headaches. I took over when there
had been fraud, and stepped on some toes and was so uncomfortable about it, kept
acquiescing to stuff I shouldn't have.
Take action, and have her placed into a good facility. She will have much better care
in the end. And then deal with your headache relatives. Careful they don't cause
any damage to house or try to upset your mom. Hope you have some friends or relatives to be there with you in case of confrontation.
Best of luck ((((hugs)))))
As POA, you cannot be denied access to the home. You cannot be denied access to your mother. Call the local police/sheriff if needed. Make a video walking through the house, documenting the state and contents. You can leave and take your mother with you. Turn off access to your mother's funds without your knowledge and approval. Schedule and pay care givers to provide your niece reasonable respite as long as your mother remains in the home. If she cannot dial a phone, then she cannot be left alone. If 60 hours a week isn't financially viable but assisted living is, then move your mother into assisted living and evict your niece with a reasonable time frame to relocate (60-90 days). You might want to consider providing the first/last month rent plus deposit on a rental to ease this move in light of your niece's care giving.
Decide what is best for your mother, make a plan and then execute with your eye on the present and the future of her care. Do not engage in emotional discussions about past decisions/actions that cannot be changed - just because someone makes an accusation or inflammatory statement doesn't mean you must respond to it. Be grateful your niece allowed your mother to remain in her home and enjoy her great-grandchildren for those 5 years. When you feel your niece is acting entitled or otherwise inappropriate, remember all the joy she brought your mother and let it go. Your niece is scarred and feeling powerless and using emotional issues because that's all she has. Explain in a calm manner the increased care level your mother requires is driving the changes. Mother's assets must be liquidated to provide for Mother's care so it's time to make other living arrangements.
You’ve picked your battles carefully, tried to be fair, kept it in the family, you’ve done your best.
Your niece will take this hard since she grew up in the house. Who raised her, her mom or grandma?
You do have enemies now so be careful. I would have notified the authorities a LONG TIME ago. But I’m not a nice person like you are.
Do whatever is necessary! The day they forged your mom’s signature is the day those two lost their rights!
Your mom will eventually adjust to AL (it’s been great for my mom) but remember, all your relatives/enemies can waltz right in to stir the pot during visiting hours. You CAN ban certain troublemakers but as I have done, if mom keeps acting like she enjoys their visits I allowed my relatives to visit. When she makes an indication that they stress her, ban them.
Your niece (really her husband) is the one I’d worry about. He’s getting free ride and he won’t go without a fight!
Your legal status allows you to do what’s best for mom.
So you're proxy/attorney-in-fact for your mother. Is the POA a durable one or springing?
Who is/are joint co-signers on your mother's account which is being used to pay for the "caregivers"? If you're financial proxy and can act, have you spoken with the bank to enact that authority and stop the unauthorized signatures? Have you contacted the alleged caregivers to vette them?
I'm not attacking you, but your post raises a lot of unanswered questions which could help in suggesting methods of handling the issues.
You wrote that you "recently executed the POA through her Neurologist". Are you writing that the neurologist drafted the POA, or that you used your authorization as proxy to get information from the neurologist?
I also understand your desire to let your Mom die in her home as she wishes but from the information in this post that doesn't look likely to me unless there are funds available for 56-84 hours a week of outside care givers (8-12 hours per day x 7 days a week) or someone else moves in and takes over your mother's care. Your niece is asking for 60+ hours of outside care giving a week and to be paid beyond room and board because your mother is requiring more care and your niece is finding it difficult to provide that care. Your niece is in a very difficult position trying to be care giver for two young children and her grandmother, as well as take care of a home and husband. Most of us find it difficult to be the full time care giver for one elderly adult. Your niece is also emotionally abusing your mother by trying to make you the "bad guy" and isolating your mother from your support, although tired and stressed out she may not have thought her actions through. Your mother hiding her ATM card may indicate your niece or her husband has put pressure on your mother to provide funds she didn't really want to in the past. Older folks suffer lots of insecurities and anxiety as they lose their abilities to care for themselves; no one should be telling them how awful AL is or how their daughter doesn't care what they want, etc.
Your mother needs 24 hour care/supervision. It could probably still be done at home at this point by a dedicated care giver with limited respite, but your niece has too many responsibilities to adequate care for her grandmother too. Are you able and willing to move in with Mom after your niece's family moves out? If not (and maybe even if you are) AL is probably the best long term solution (in terms of basic care and socialization) and your mother may adjust better and be happier in AL at this point than a later move when her condition has deteriorated further. My Mom (who lives with me) is close to your Mom's condition - she cannot dial numbers consistently anymore but she can still use speed dials and perform all ADLs. I have a security system with cameras and family/neighbors available nearby to check on or help her on the days I work in the office. At one point, I was taking care of my mother and two of my elementary school age grand-nephews - that was very challenging so I can easily imagine what your niece is experiencing with younger children.
Because there has been conflict in the family, AL may also become a good neutral ground for everyone to visit your mother. Even if you moved into your mother's home to care for her, it would be difficult for you to "host" your niece if she remains angry with you. Your niece may also behave better and not upset your mother if she is visiting in an AL where any post-visit upset would be documented by a third party.
Hang in there! You can get past the big blowups but you cannot make everyone happy. Do what you believe is best for Mom while still taking care of yourself too.
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