Me and my siblings don’t know what to do. Our 70 yr old father's health is deteriorating before our eyes. What started out a few years ago as just numbness in his right leg, and “ dropped foot” (can’t pick up foot) he constantly falls. He blew it off as a pinched nerve in his neck. Now, he is incontinent, hands are almost incapacitated, can’t grip, looks clinched, extremely thin, hardly can walk without assistance, always cold, can keep his head dropped for hours, like tripod position, and refuses medical treatment. His speech is fine, memory is good. He denies pain, and says just numb. We feel we are neglecting this by his defiance. Since not having a PCP, and no diagnosis, can we take him to an ER ? We are desperate. Please advise ..
What does he say about his mobility issues and incontinence? Doesn't he want to give himself a chance of some improvement in his condition, or do you think he has no belief that it would be possible?
he doesn’t even shower after wetting himself, refuses to let us help him
I would say that yes, it is time for desperate measures. Tell your father that if he will not go to the ER you will call the EMT ambulance and have him transported there for diagnosis. That this started two years ago and has had no care in all this time is bad news. Do not delay.
To be frank, his refusal to seek help is at this point is indication of incompetence in decision making to transport him.
You could also report him to APS as adult in danger, and try to let them handle it.
You are up against a person who is in deep denial. Explain everything to them.
If seeking help in this manner, first speaking to him about ER, and second ambulance, third being APS does not work I have utterly nothing else to advise. If he refuses all care I would then withdraw my care, and tell him to call only when he understands he needs medical help and diagnosis. This will come to a head with a fall soon enough, and then transport will be done.
This could be anything from nerve to tumor to chronic illness, but without medical care you cannot begin to guess.
The EMT can refuse to transport someone who appears to be competent in own decision. But you will have done, then, everything in your power. Don't continue to enable this denial. Two years has led to this. It will go downhill from here.
With a dropped foot, I think it's only a matter of time before he has a significant fall and ends up in the hospital. (My sister suffered a dropped foot when metastasized cancer affected her ability to use that leg and foot. I've witnessed how difficult it is to balance and walk.) If he's been drinking, he's not attuned to balance or safety, and one serious fall could seriously send him to the ER.
Have you thought about asking local police to do a welfare check? If you explained to them ahead of time what the issues are, they might determine he needs to be taken to a hospital ASAP.
The corollary issue is how his lack of hygiene may be affecting yours. No one should have to live with that kind of lack of care, and you don't want to end up sick and in the hospital yourself.
As it sounds based on what you’ve written THE ONLY bargaining chip you have is insisting that you have a diagnosis and treatment plan before you will consider allowing him to live with any of his children.
No, NOT what ANYBODY WANTS TO DO to a dearly loved parent, but you MUST do a shift to DO FOR HIM. Surely it is beneath HIS DIGNITY to allow him to continue this way.
You have tried reasoning, acceptance, kindness. Nothing had succeeded in getting him help. Lay out the facts with as little emotion or judgement as you’re able to do. You love him dearly and his presence in his present condition is causing you all unmanageable distress. It’s a medical evaluation or you will all withdraw your assistance and leave him to his own devices.
If matters tragically deteriorate to that point, then the call to your local adult protective agency.
You can't save a person from himself.
This has to be extraordinarily difficult to witness, I'm sure. I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible ordeal and that your father is behaving in such a selfish manner.
You are not 'neglecting' him; he is neglecting himself. You have tried everything within your power to help him; HE is the one who's refusing the help.
If the event happens that he falls & you can't get him up, THEN you can call 911 and have him taken to the ER for an evaluation. If he's of sound mind, he'd have to consent to treatment, of course, putting you back at square one. But if he's broken a leg or a hip in the fall, there will be no other choice BUT to get treatment. And you go from there.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with such an unfortunate situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer as well.
He does not have to right to insist YOU or your siblings fix his issues; help with falls, with incontinence problems, house him if he can't look after himself.
I had cleaned up one too many incontinence problems. I suggested my relative tell her Doctor about this worsening problem (refused). I sought a referral to a specialist clinic (she agreed). She saw the nurse but had denial over the problem, would not take the advice (diet, medication, products, behaviour). So.
The Social Worker told me;
Advice.
Let them choose.
Let the consequences be their own.
When we went out she expected me to fix any incontinence issue. So I no longer take her out. When coming to my house she expected help. So she is not invited to my home. When I got calls for falls/mess I told her to call EMS, if she did not, I did.
Tough Love was not a concept that came easy to me, but I have a clear conscience that this was the best way to provide help.
SIL is a GI doc and lot of his patients are end-stage alcoholics whom he cannot help, as they don't want to stop drinking. He's pretty 'over' trying to get them to dry out, esp the elderly ones. The damage is done and is usually irreparable.
Your dad sounds like he is end stage alcoholic poisoning. Not much you can do. A Dr. or ER would simply work him up, maybe keep him for a day or so and then send him back home.
I'm sorry for you--it's awful.
Sandy
My relative has refused EMS transport too. But EMS did override that once when a head strike was evident.
A friend's Father has suspected dementia & fallen multi times this year, refusing treatment & transport each time. His wife could not lift him alone, but neighbours now say no more, as does daughter. She no longer attends. Last straw was when son refused to lift him. Told him to stay on the floor for the rest of his life or accept EMS help. His wife provided a blanket & served snacks while he sat on the floor. After sitting in his own filth for about 6 hours he finally gave in. Another time he gave in earlier as he was lying down & couldn't manage to eat & was hungry. Another was 12 hours - had refused EMS but wife called again & again & they monitored him over the phone. Came for him when he couldn't talk properly. That was confusion with UTI, dehydration & poor kidney function.
So very hard. Strength to you Sandy.
Since he can communicate, has he told you what he thinks has caused him not to be able to walk anymore, to get to the bathroom, unable to grip things or require so much help? If he can't come up w/ a good answer, tell him you don't know what it is, and tell him what you said here - what you see when you look at him. Ask if he plans to continue to go downhill without even asking a dr what it might be or if he would like to try and do something about it. You might add on that if he continues to decline, he could end up in a facility when none of you can lift/manage his care any longer. If he is of sound mind, he may be content as he is to waste away.
Edit: Saw other posts discussing your father is alcoholic?? The loss of use in arms, legs, etc is probably going to be alcoholic neuropathy. Definitely needs to see a neurologist. I back pedal on my answer about going to ER now. If he is still drinking a lot, catch him on a really bad day and call ems or take him yourself to the er. To get him in, discuss the loss of limb use, weakness, etc as something you are seeing now and worsening at this time. After they get him in and turn his care over to a neuro dr, then get in to the real timeline so you can find out what his options are and if he needs to be dried out in a rehab - or - perhaps he has no interest in stopping.
total relief!
also aneurism found on Brain MRI, pneumonia on his cat scan and hydronephrosis in both kidneys.
self neglect comes back to haunt you, as he never addressed one problem over 30 years he is now faced with overwhelming health issues. Thank you to all of you that helped.