As POA, I just recently signed a lease for my mother at a senior living community for Assisted Living, and my family and I moved her furniture and services into a lovely 1BR/1Bath apartment.
I was to pick my mother up from rehab today to bring her to her new home, when yesterday I received a call from the senior living community that the paperwork from the rehab indicated that my mother is a flight risk and she has to be in the Memory Care section.
So now, we have to move her belongings to a studio apartment because there aren't any 1BR/1Bath apartments available, and I'm still waiting for answers from them about when that move can be made and keep my mother at rehab until we can figure this out. I plan to call today to break the news to my mother, who needs 24/7 skilled care that I can't provide and can be very difficult.
Any advice?
Memory Care was a far better fit, although she couldn’t ever understand why “those people”, (the other residents) were living in her “hotel”.
Unless there is some very pressing reason to “break the news” to your mother, don’t break it. “Something happened.......and there’s a better apartment available for you.......a week or two......everything’s fine”.
Testing on my LO when all of this happened to her revealed that she had been trying so frantically to maintain her appearance of cognitive competence, that her continually diminishing ability to do so was making her more and more frustrated and terrified and angry with herself and us, and above all, DIFFICULT.
You love her, and you want her to understand what’s happening, but her actions at present reveal that she is not understanding her reality in the way that you are, and the way she needs, to be cared for safely. So simplify what you’re telling her and what you say when and if she questions you.
And hardest, if you find that she’s agitated when you are not helping her to leave, or saying what she seems to want you to tell her, tell her you love her dearly, hug her, and LEAVE. The Memory Care staff will know how to deal with problems if they arise. In the early days of my LO’s stay, I encouraged the staff to let her call me once in a while, once again casual conversation, “see you soon, let me know if you need anything, oops, there’s the doorbell... “.
Tough on all involved, but done for HER safety, and with love, let yourself be at peace.
The staff at Rehab informed me right away that my Mom tried to leave when she first got there and had a special cuff to lock doors if she went near them. Then they told me she'd settled in and was doing quite well, so I assumed (incorrectly), that it had been removed. I questioned the nursing staff about it yesterday, who said she's threatened to leave off and on, so they still have that concern.
At the time of her assessment by the senior living home for her placement in AL or Memory, they were not informed of the flight risk, and didn't see paperwork on it until she was about to leave rehab, which then changed the course. I do think the rehab and senior home should have had better communication and voiced that concern, which they have apologized for and I hope they learn from for future residents and smoother transitions. The senior home even honored our initial lease price for AL for Memory Care, which is more expensive.
I've been able to work with both the rehab and senior living care home to move my Mom's belongings while she stays in rehab, and she is scheduled to move there this Saturday. Also, a few of the papers from the rehab were signed by a physician's assistant instead of the doctor, and I called there right away to insist they rectify it so my Mom could transition asap. It's been so many moving parts and hard to digest and make sure all is being taken care of. I had everything in place, including her mail, tv, and phone, and then had to switch it all plus stay on the rehab getting the senior care home what they needed, and reassuring my Mom, all amidst COVID, which causes a disconnect throughout it all.
It is a very nice senior home with great reviews and recommendations from friends whose loved ones are there. It's one of the two nicest in my area, which is a small town, and the closest to me. The studio is quite big and fits most of what my Mom had wanted in her 1BR apt, including her bed, loveseat and chair, 2 dressers, and a small desk, and she's now on the wait list for a 1BR in that section. Also, there is the possibility that if she does well, my Mom may even transition back to the Assisted Living section.
I hope after these initial frustrations, it will turn out to be a great choice for my Mom and her care and happiness. Over the years, I tried to get her in home care, housekeeping, etc. but she resisted until her health recently declined rapidly and maybe it was meant to be to get her the care she truly needs since she doesn't have capacity and I now have to make safe and healthy choices for her best interest. Thank you all again for your support. I wish each of you of the best and a joyous holiday season!
Don't just say ok to all this without asking A LOT of questions. A person can exhibit lots of odd behavior in rehab that's not permanent. Meaning Memory Care may be shooting a fly with an elephant gun. There is quite a big difference between standard Assisted Living, Memory Care and Skilled Nursing. You need to fully understand your mothers needs, her capabilities or lack of capabilities, and her state of mind/confusion so you can determine where YOU feel she'd be best suited to reside. Yes, it's up to the intake coordinator at the AL, but ultimately, it's up to YOU because There are TONS of Assisted Living homes around, not just one. You only want her in Memory Care if she's got some pretty bad dementia going on. Otherwise, she's likely to be unhappy and unable to carry on normal conversations with the other residents!
If she's a flight risk, the staff feel she needs a locked community so she won't wander away. That's what Memory Care will offer......no way for her to escape vs. regular AL where she can walk out the front door if she'd like, no questions asked.
Talk to the intake coordinator at the AL and the head nurse at the rehab to see what her diagnosis is and her long term prognosis.
When I had to tell my mother she was being moved into Memory Care from Assisted Living, I didn't call it "memory care"......I said the small bldg in the parking lot you visited a few months back. My mother does not believe she has dementia at ALL and still wants to go back to her old apartment in AL, even though she couldn't manage it for 1 whole year prior to the move. The Memory care world is shrunken down significantly from AL.....there is much less for them to worry about or fidget with ie: microwave and fridge, so life is easier because it's smaller.
Good luck. Tough stuff, I know.
Have you been able to get to the bottom of why/in what way she is considered a flight risk? Do you accept that assessment?
If you can do so without ruffling anyone's feathers, I'd ask to see this-here paperwork and just check that it's been completed accurately.
It probably *has*, I don't mean to be over optimistic, but if so that kind of raises the question of what incidents occurred at rehab that you weren't informed about!
Meanwhile, can you delay any explanations to your mother by just rolling your eyes and saying "ugh! paperwork!" to her?