Just so tired of caring for my mom- and feeling like an awful daughter :(

I feel for you, chica, hola.

I also have a brother NEVER visit, lord. I think it is like 1x in a year or 2,
or "2x times in a yr. and a half. horrid. Yet, he claim to "love the folks."

Worse part:
Even if you're not able to for whatever reason come and visit regularly, or at all,
just call weekly multiple x a week. No excuse, IMO(in my opinion)love is shown.
REAL love is ACTION.
Simple as that.

But,
i do not let it bother me, as i know my parents would love it more, he the oldest too. But they are happy each day when he does not call or visit because i am ensuring they smile, remain stress-free, and happy each passing day.

I am the baby of the family, born last during the decade 1970s chica, so i understand what you're saying, however, i am never 1 to get "sick and tired of it all, by caring for mi father."
-

I am the only one in mi ENTIRE familia, doing so, gladly, proudly and most of all, effortlessly, but i get your point,and i will just say, try to make time you you chica.

-take some time made for yourself, the children, your family.

-try to relax as best you can "each second"while your loved one is resting themselves.and good luck to you, god bless.It's hard yes, but i am finding it more easier, than "getting harder"because i think about ALL of what mi father, mi hero has done for me, and my daughter's, our familia, (his grand-daughters) my 2 girls and our family as a whole,
is a great father, grand-father,great grandfather, diagnose @ 83 in january 2017.

Never was sick barely a cold in 8 decades, so i am proudly his caretaker with mom.

He is such a great man who would do the same for me, God forbid,if that was me, and i know he appreciate it more than ever, and i get him out 3 to five days a week for SUNLIGHT which help the brain in so many ways and his overall spirit inward,health,body mind etc, and i love to see him SMILE, my mom and i, always, and laugh more and more and again it's all effortlessly done, on mi part, so i am not tired of it at all.
adios.

You need to learn how to put yourself first and take care of your own well-being. Stress is the #1 killer (used to be, don't know if it still is). Don't go down with a sinking ship.

You might be able to find volunteers to visit (through non-profit organizations or a church).

It is difficult to face guilt and unresolved feelings from a parental relationship (or any family). Once you realize or choose to put yourself first and realize you DESERVE to do this, you will feel much better physically, emotionally and other ways. Remember, too. It isn't necessarily the amount of time you spend with her, it is the QUALITY of time. Make shorter visits really meaningful by being present. Otherwise, the time (and energy) spent w her goes to guilt and resentment and isn't quality time.
* * *

I understand. My mom is currently with me but couldn’t live in AL, needs long term care & awaiting Medicaid approval. She drives me crazy now with all her “wants” & I feel it will continue after she moved out of here. It’s not going to happen. I’ve decided ahead of time I’ll see her once a week. She’s ruined enough, it won’t continue She’ll have others her age to be with, that’s the whole point. You & your family come first. You won’t get those years back with your kids. Hugs!!

If I read correctly, you mom has money. If she returns to assisted living, I would set up a home health agency to do some of what you were doing. Arrange for someone to spend a couple hours with her and see how it goes. I do suggest you be there for the first visit to see if the particular caregiver is a good fit. Some of the caregivers didn't work as well as others. Once mom develops a good rapport with that caregiver, you can consider adding another day each week. This will allow continuity of care, particularly if you are away or under the weather. I developed a good relationship with mom's helpers and although technically they weren't supposed to, they did call me with any concerns. Mainly, we kept a journal of who did what to best streamline her care and know what the other had done. I even hired a caregiver to sit with dad for an hour or so each day in the nursing home when I was away on vacation (on the days I knew no one else planned to stop by). These caregivers were fabulous and kind. Developing your own "extended family of caregivers" will make you feel less stressed and less alone. I am so thankful for the support that mom, therefore I. received from these lovely people.

WOW! You have a full plate working F/T and having 3 kids! That is a lot in itself. I'm single with no kids BUT I'm almost 60, still work F/T, have my 92 year old mother living with me. She's very independent but that is started to slow. I have to work - I need to keep my home and it's 22 years old so I've had to make quite a bit in repairs and upgrades. I'm luckier than most because mom has her mind but she can be a real handful and recently angered my brother to the point that we are now estranged. But he only came down about once a year, stayed one night and then POOF...gone! Another brother lives 15 minutes away and hardly ever comes by. He was supposed to assist with driving her to the strore.....well 8 months later he still hasn't done it! So I'm stuck with all the responsibilities of home ownership, yard, cleaning, grocery shopping, working, etc. I sometimes feel my mom and I are on an island. I do have great friends that have offered up more help then my own flesh and blood! I'm not sure what is down the road. I literally dread the nursing home experience. I don't think my mom would do well in that environment. She's very high-maintenance. I'm the "Golden Child" for now but she has been a very difficult person to live with at times. Right now I'm getting a break and I feel so much better physically, mentally, etc. So I hope you will take a break - and take care of yourself. You will not get this time back with your children and will resent it. We are not super humans! And there is only ONE of us that usually get this care taking task. God Bless and take care!

Define your boundaries, and be honest about it! It is not selfish to take care of yourself. I assist my 85 year old mother during the week, and she lives alone on the weekends. My brother occasionally has her for dinner on Saturday or Sunday. Two other brothers who cannot help and probably would not even if they could.

I stopped believing that the majority of her care was "on me." If and when the time comes that she needs more help, someone will be hired. I have grown children and grandchildren and one grandchild on the way, and I want to spend time with them, along with travel, and so many other things. Your life counts! You decide.

A couple possibilities I see here, your brother may not be able either physically and practically or simply emotionally to visit mom and help that way as much but there are things he can do from a distance that would take some of the load off you. He could pay bills and track that kind of thing on-line (my brother and I both have access to everything possible on-line and split some of this but either one of us can cover for the other if needed). Making appointments, ordering meds and communicating with doctors are all things I take care of on line from 380 miles away. I also take care of all the Amazon orders on-line for her. My brother lives about 20 min from her so he is the primary hands on, he says he's the "super" I'm the front office (we rent 2 bedrooms in the house out). Anyway, while I do go down and do hands on far more than your brother and we are still managing mom electronically to a large degree so we split that monitoring the point is there are a lot of these things that your brother could be doing without having to make trips to moms location. Actually visits could be done by both of you via electronic video devices so your brother drops in electronically say 2x a week you do it 2x a week and then you visit 1-2 times a week, if there are other family members to take turns...great.

It is so hard to watch someone you love particularly a parent decline. Some are able to handle it better than others and while it may just be convenience or laziness on your brothers part it may too be just something he hasn't figured out how to handle, not that that makes it any easier on you. But this is also why peoples well meaning comments about how lucky you are are so hurtful, infuriating and off base. These are people who have no idea, they haven't had any experience in watching a parent decline, become a different form of themselves or a shell of themselves for some and have no idea how hard that is. In many ways a quick passing is far more of a blessing the problem of course being this limbo of when is quality of life enough to work for it and when is quantity of life far surpassing quality. My response might be "you would think so" or "if she were still the mother I remember I would feel luckier but I will always love and care for her" or "yes but it sure doesn't get easier". They still wont get it but perhaps they will reconsider the next time they are tempted to say that to someone, they still mean well they just don't know what to say, it's like when someone dies or is fired I guess, people want to say something to be supportive they just don't know how to accomplish that. Anyway try to just dismiss it for what it is, ignorance or simply inexperience. I think this will be easier for you if you can shed some of the load, share the responsibility and take a break even.

Watching someone you love suffer COPD, struggling to breath, not getting enough oxygen to the brain and the multitude of medical issues that often accompany that is a particularly hard thing to watch too. If she isn't bed bound and is able to get around some, helping her get involved in activities at the AL, finding and facilitating her using the other options for help like rides, someone to do errands etc might be hard at first but if you are busy with things that prevent you from getting there more than a couple times a week or less and she really needs these things she will adapt. "Mom I have been where I want to be with you in the hospital and no one has complained but the kids really have given up a lot to enable me to spend the time with you, now that the crisis is over and I know your safe I really need to give more of my undivided attention to kids & DH for a while so I have set up these options to help. I can still be in touch (by phone and or video) and you can always get in touch with me I just wont be stopping by every day so if you can't wait we have these options"...If it's time for Hospice set that up. Let others support you however they can.

This woman is very ill and needs much more care than you can and should be giving her. You have your own life and needs and it is slowly killing you with sadness and guilt which is just not acceptable. I think you must consider placing her so you have some space and peace and then you can visit and keep in touch but I see it is proving too much for you - and it will only get much worse with time. Your duty is to you and to your family.

Exhaustion is a very bad sign. You are doing too much, but I understand and remember the feeling. Now that my mom is in assisted living I don't feel I absolutely must see her every day. I actually do go just about every day because I can and want to. She's very close to my house and I can stop in on my daily walk. It isn't difficult for me now. It was when I was living with her. You have a very different situation. Children. You have to slow way down! Don't go so often, or just make a short phone call to reassure her. Take time for yourself. Ask for help.

All I can tell you is that I am going on 19 years of care giving. And I have done 75% of it by my self. So I really get the tired part and all the other emotions. I could not survive this without divine intervention. I know that Heavenly Father sustains me. There is no way I could stay sane otherwise. Or have the strength to do the things I have to do everyday. It doesn't hurt to hit your knees and ask for help.

You must seek respite now.

You're amazing. You do so much! I hope your Mother appreciates it. It sounds like your brother could be contributing more. Are you on good terms with him? If so, perhaps you could tell him how burnt out you feel. I know from experience that siblings who are further away tend to turn a blind eye. My brother makes a phone call every couple of weeks and then probably pats himself on the back for a job well done. It really burns me up.
Yes, there are those who've lost their parents and probably miss them, who think you're very, very lucky to have your Mom, but if they could walk a mile in your shoes I think they'd totally understand your stress levels.
It really sounds like you need a holiday and I think it's time you started to plan for one. I've found that by asking for help my burden feels so much lighter and I can start to live again. My Mother now has cleaning, ironing and someone to drive her to the hairdressers, and I just pick her up.
A one hour visit three times a week while your Mother's in recovery, and then twice a week once she returns to assisted living sounds like enough, especially as you have so many responsibilities.
I remember visiting my Mother every day for six hour stints for seven weeks when she was in hospital and I nearly lost my noodle. In the end when she was discharged, the nurses were all saying how she must be really happy to be going home. Instead she said she quite liked it and didn't really want to leave. That was because I was making her lunches and dinners because she didn't like the hospital food, sitting doing crosswords with her, getting her cups of tea and cold drinks, bringing in tidbits to entice her to eat and she just loved the attention. I have vowed I will never do that again. I would cry most days from mental exhaustion and come home just wanting to sleep. If my husband wasn't around to help, I would've been certified.
It's our duty to take care of our parents (even though some children do nothing), but it's not in the job description to make ourselves depressed and sick whilst doing it.
Try to step back. Cut back on the visits. Pay the bills over the net, and shop only for necessities and perhaps try to do it fortnightly.
Keep your sanity. Good luck.

You all are just awesome - thank you thank you 🙏🏻! All of my friends have parents that are self sufficient or provide help to them so I really have had no one to talk to about this aside from my brother and my husband - and my hubby is not super fond of mom these days because of how crazy she makes me feel 😢. He has taken on so much with our kids so I can tend to mom and he does it gladly because he loves me and our kids but he’s kinda done with her.

we had her care plan meeting yesterday and the goal is to get her back to AL in about 10 days. She can now walk about 20 feel with O2 and a walker so I want to try to get her back there - but am very cautious and aware it may not last - but I have to try:

We have a ‘practice day’ next week where she will visit her apartment with the OT, PT and staff to figure out her routine and the best way to reconfigure her furniture to accommodate the O2, commode etc.

i talked to my brother and he’s going to come down the day she is discharged from the rehab and bring her back to AL and get her settled. He actually offered and i now think I really do need to ask him for specific help instead of feeling like her care is all in me. Why do I do that? Why do I assume it’s all on me? When she first got sick 5 yrs ago I was home full time with my kids so it was a bit easier to take on her care but I went back to work and while I love my job - it’s a lot of stress too.

i plan to visit on Friday as it’s her birthday and then do the practice day on Monday and then maybe go next Friday after she is back at AL. I think having the days planned out will help me not feel like I have to go more.

"and if I have one more person tell me I should just be glad to have my mother still on this earth - I’m going to lose my mind."

While I feel bad for those who have lost a LO and who wish they had more time with them, statements like that *really* don't cut it. You won't hear it from ME!!!! Actually someone I know hasn't lost her mother yet, but chastised me saying someday I may miss the sound of her voice.... Same idea. We never really had a lovey-dovey relationship. I care enough to ensure she is well cared for and safe, but will I miss her like that? Time will tell. I do have reasons to know that I likely won't miss her voice (hate her accent and her criticisms, her pig-headed, semi-racist comments and so forth!)

I feel for you as well. My mother has dementia and was moved 3 years ago to MC near me (she lived 1.5 hr away before.) While like you most of the running around, picking up supplies, making and taking her to appts, and managing everything falls on my plate: finances, coordinating clean out, clean up, fixing up and sale of her condo (3hr just to get there and back!), thankfully it didn't happen when I was younger, single and raising my kids plus working full-time (2 jobs for a while!)

On the flip side, it did happen about the time I was laid off and chose to retire early. I was also caught between 2 houses - didn't have money to get either ready for sale! That plus helping her when she was still in the condo and then taking care of everything else, it IS getting in the way of things I would like to be doing (not travel, just being able to fix things I can manage in this house I bought, making things, visiting my only grandchild, etc.) I realize that sounds selfish, but I am somewhat reluctant or hesitant to plan ANYthing because that's when I'll get a call and have to deal with something related to mom (sick, pain, UTI, needs more supplies, etc.) I have 2 brothers. One isn't local (likely won't be visiting and even if he was, he isn't welcome here anymore), the other is younger, still working and forgets sometimes that he should be involved in mother's life instead of just doing all the things he does outside of work!

So, I do hear you. Different circumstances but same end result. It does tend to wear you down and out!

What is it that she needs 4-5 times/week? If possible, try to reduce the visits to 2x/week and coordinate the visit with something needed. I would imagine she is perhaps lonely, so the visits are good for her, but if she's in rehab, are her needs not met? Once she is stable and can either return to AL or some other LTC facility, try to stick to that visit/delivery schedule. I tend to defer a trip to pick up something I may need or want until I have a reason to go in that same direction for something else (saves time and gas - would even do this when I was working.)

Even though she is older and has fairly bad medical issues, unless you feel you might regret not spending more time with her now, while you can, I would recommend the cut back in number and/or length of visits/deliveries. Try to find a happy medium between resent and regret.

I empathize. I care for M&D in our home...she with Stage 4 COPD and he with after-affects (seizures, fatigue, weak muscles, erratic HBP, etc) from late DX of Lymes Disease. I well understand your being exhausted and resentful ...which is then followed by guilt. Remember...you are doing the best you can and all you can do. Wanting time for you and down time without having to rush or watch the clock is most understandable. God bless you and give you strength. BTW, I too am the DPOA managing their bills and everything else. There are quite a few. Medical care isn’t covered 100%.

I mentioned this in my earlier answer but want to emphasize that with her severe COPD, your mom's doctor should approve for hospice to come out and see if she qualifies. There will be another set of eyes on her. She doesn't even need to know it's hospice. IT will give you support as well and help you free up some time and feeling obligated to visit. I hope you will strongly consider it.

It’s just so freakin hard! Really is!

Definitely ask her doctor to call in Hospice. My 97 yr old mother, with severe memory issues, has congestive heart failure and recently went on hospice at her ALF. She is quite active with a walker (takes care of all her own needs with the exception of medicine distribution and help with showering). Hospice sends out a social worker to see what she needs, a nurse to check her condition, and even a volunteer to visit with her or play her favorite games. Medicare pays 100%.

It's time to back off again. I'm 75 and retired, but twice a week visits is all I can handle. The less I visit, the more involved she becomes with activities and the other residents at the facility. Only occasionally now does she call me about being lonely and abandoned. That's when I suggest she call my brother who lives in town and ask him to drop by or take her out for a meal.

BTW, hospice isn't the end of the line anymore. The cardologist explained to my mother about hospice and made it sound like extra care, which mom appreciates, not the finale. If she doesn't like the caregivers, or the service, she can cancel at any time.

I can’t say I understand what you are going through but I am going through a situation with my sister (87) with dementia.
I have realized I need boundaries and if that means having extra help some way some how this is what I do. Guilt is a feeling and we try not to live with bad feelings. We have to do what is right for us to stay happy healthy and connected with our family. Without these we will not even be good for ourselves. I never thought I would have to be a caregiver for my sister but I am. I’m sure you never thought you would be a caregiver for your mother.
If you know in your heart that you are doing your best then tell the world to buzz of or come help.
Good luck we all need it.

NO judgment.

Just wondering about the choice of Assisted Living.

COPD: Is she on continuous oxygen? Has she had pulmonary embolisms and is she taking blood thinners? Does she get nebulizer treatments? Does she use a one-time a day inhaler? How is her COPD being monitored, tested, to see if it's getting worse? How often do they check her SAT level? If she is taking blood thinners, how often do they check her PT/INR?

Severe COPD (or advanced COPD) should make her eligible for a Nursing Home.....a higher level of care than Assisted Living. Because she already cannot do at least 3 ADLs, or else she would not be in Assisted Living. Right? At least that's been my experience.

My mother has had COPD for a long time and has been on continuous oxygen for over 4 years. I had to learn, the hard way, about what care level she needed. At this point, I still do not know everything, but I feel confident that I know about the differences between the care level for someone with COPD at home with health care aides, and at AL, and at a NH.

What are you running around buying for her, 2-5 times a week?

This is what I do. Because I got tired of the 2-3-4 times a week errand thing. I get what I can on Amazon.com or Walmart.com, enough for 1-3 months, or in some cases, even 6 months, bring it to my mother when she needs it, and for the extra, found room in my apartment (little laundry room) for a 3-drawer plastic thing with big drawers, from Walmart.....and that's where I put the extra supplies for my mother. So, for example: when she says "I need that _______face cream" well, guess what? I already have a jar in my apartment stash. Same thing for almost anything she wants for personal supplies. And, incontinence supplies.

Makes it so much easier. Gonna have to buy and pay for it anyway, eventually, so why not just stock up? Sometimes I keep the extra big things of incontinence supplies in the trunk of my car, in a big Hefty Bag.

Yeah, you have to be creative.

I havent read the other responses but will say.
Ive cared for folk in Rest homes with COPD and they seem to have either two personalities.
One very pleased with any help they get as they fight to breathe
and then there are those that hate the world that owes them everything and why cant they go out for that smoke.
But take away the umbilical cord of 4l/min of O2 and they start screaming and wailing. Explain their O2 SATS are over 94% at that rate and they have been prescribed and need only 2 litres when sleeping and its like one has cut off their fingers one by one.
Six years later they are still doing the same scenario
As far as Im concerned your children are what you owe your time and efforts to. and once a week to do any purchases or chores. And one visit to drop off and say Hi.
Yes it is hard, but you should not need to be shouldering all the responsibility

As A daughter whose mother died in 2001, I approached a mother and daughter who were arguing to tell them I would give anything to be arguing with my mother over a lovely lunch on a beautiful Sunny day like today. As terrible as this seems an unlikely as it may appear to you, For you. Let's get helps if you think of what you will feel 5 years from now when you look back knowing you did what you had to do and to come to those of us who share your pain and support you for understanding. I'm at burnout with my 96 yr. old dad. Hes a wonderful person but the Alzheimers, deafness & incessant wants, needs are relentless. I dreamt one night of a life without him, And it changed my perspective. We all me to take care of ourselves 1st and foremost and do what we can to help those we care for but insist upon support from those who can help and should help. Count on us to be there for you.